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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To say either we get a cleaner or I work part time

139 replies

Boules · 24/08/2019 10:45

Am due to move in with DP in the next few weeks. He works long hours from home and only really cleans and tidies when the house gets to quite a disgusting level, then will blitz the whole thing. I prefer to keep stuff tidy and clean, not to an obsessive level but so that it’s pleasant to be in. He hates cleaning (obviously I love it ) and just will not do it on a day to day basis, I’m not naive enough to think this will ever change. I’ve said to him that when I move in either we will have to get a cleaner or I will work part time and do the cleaning on the other days I would have worked. AIBU?

OP posts:

SheSaidNoFuckThat · 24/08/2019 12:56

Are you wanting to go part time? Everyone assuming you have a career - not everyone who works has one. Do what feels best for you, I do 90% of the housework as I work part time (we do have DCs though). People can yell "1950s" all they want, but this is how we roll and it works perfectly

FuckFacePlatapus · 24/08/2019 12:59

Wow millions of us working with kids manage to clean our home without reducing our hours or getting a cleaner!

NoSquirrels · 24/08/2019 13:02

You are planning to make changes to fit in with his preference not to clean.

What changes does he plan to make, to fit in with you?

What GrannyS said.

Interesting that this is what you said:

He hates cleaning (obviously I love it hmm) and just will not do it on a day to day basis, I’m not naive enough to think this will ever change.

But you still want to move in?

Honestly m, perhaps you’re quite young and can’t imagine the resentment that can build over this but I urge you to think very carefully indeed.

Read this:

www.google.co.uk/amp/s/mustbethistalltoride.com/2016/01/14/she-divorced-me-because-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink/amp/

DarlingNikita · 24/08/2019 13:03

Having a cleaner is great for household harmony, but in this case it sounds like your standards of cleanliness and tidiness are very different and I think you're headed for trouble.

timshelthechoice · 24/08/2019 13:07

No, it doesn't when you're unmarried. It means you have FA. You have fewer rights than a lodger if you are living in someone else's home as an unmarried companion. They can tell you it's over and street you. And cutting your pension contributions (when you are now expected to work to support yourself until you're at least 68 and possibly 75) and earnings potential to clean someone else's bog is a very stupid way to roll in 2019, nothing 1950s about it. You find yourself on the street looking for some place to live not even working FT so not able to afford rent on a flat in your own right whilst the other person doesn't even give a flying fuck is his sides are wiped down or his loo is clean as long as it flushes, just like you flushed your life down the pan to clean up after someone.

FinallyHere · 24/08/2019 13:09

Whatever do you think you are going to gain from moving in with him other than the opportunity to skivvy for him. ?

Get a cleaner, stay in your own place.

ps do not get your MiL to clean for you. Our cleaner (coming up to three decades service ) kinda more about me that I do. She also has my back. That's important.

RB68 · 24/08/2019 13:13

get the cleaner and don't work part time he will never appreciate it as he doesn't value it

Tooner · 24/08/2019 13:24

Sorry but you're partner sounds like a right scruff letting the house get to a "disgusting level".

I wouldn't be moving in with someone like this cleaner or no cleaner.

SilverySurfer · 24/08/2019 13:26

Isthebigwomanhere
Where are you moving to, the1950's?!?!

I know the 1950s is the default decade to go to for threads like these but I was a child in the 50s and my DF did his share of housework and childcare despite working six long days a week. I'm not sure how far you have to back for the OP's lazy slob.

As a PP already said, people manage to keep their house clean without resorting to cutting down to working part time. It shouldn't need hours a day if it's just the two of you.

You need to raise your relationship bar a hell of a lot higher, it can't go much lower can it?

NiceWork · 24/08/2019 13:27

Are you wanting to go part time? Everyone assuming you have a career - not everyone who works has one

Yes, but a career or 'just a job' is irrelevant here the OP still needs an income to pay her bills! And she'd be very silly to reduce that income even if the household's shared bills are cheaper for her -- purely because her boyfriend is a slob.

SavingSpaces2019 · 24/08/2019 13:27

or I will work part time and do the cleaning on the other days I would have worked
Haha! What planet are you on woman?
You seriously considered reducing your income (thereby becoming dependent on him financially) in order to spend your spare time cleaning up his shit????

A cleaner will only solve the short term issues.
Longterm it won't work the way you think it will.
For instance, if you have dc with him.
YOU will be picking up the extra work/cleaning/organising that comes with having children...and no doubt your income will be affected by mat leave/SAHM etc so you will then find yourself both financially dependent and a slave to him.

If he's choosing to prioritise HIS EARNINGS above equality in your relationship NOW when it's just the two of you - he isn't going to change when you have children.

So if i were you i'd think very carefully about what kind of 'partnership' you're entering into.

TheInebriati · 24/08/2019 13:28

YABU to think that you going part time and taking a cut in pay is the solution.

Make him pay for the cleaner or don't move in.

SheSaidNoFuckThat · 24/08/2019 13:30

@timshelthechoice we have been together 18 years and it's worked just fine for us, certainly haven't flushed my life down the loo (admittedly we are married now and mortgage in joint names - but wasn't that way for first 5/6 years)

Purpleartichoke · 24/08/2019 13:32

Get a cleaner. If you go part-time, you will end up being resentful of the fact that he is making even more work for you by not tidying as he goes along. Not to mention reducing your long-term earning power.

So get a cleaner

GiveMeHope103 · 24/08/2019 13:35

A cleaner will only solve the problem for the few hours that she is there. What will happen the rest of the time?
I would have a plan of drawing up a chore list between the two of you and see how this goes for a few months before permanently moving in. He should show his true intentions by then.

nicenewdusters · 24/08/2019 13:39

Two able bodied adults living together without children shouldn't need a cleaner. If they want a cleaner and can afford it then so be it. If you get a cleaner they will clean once (twice?) a week, but they won't be there each day to pick up after a slob who waits for his house to become a tip before "blitzing".

You've told him what you need him to compromise on to make your new home together work for you. Doesn't sound like he really cares. I think YABU to move in with him, the cleaner will be the least of your problems. Being a messy slob isn't an attractive quality.

MaximusHeadroom · 24/08/2019 13:40

Giving up paid working hours to work unpaid as your DP's cleaner while he gets to continue his current lifestyle and become the financially dominant partner in the relationship?

Ummmmm...

Ragwort · 24/08/2019 13:49

Don't move in with him, you have different standards of how to look after a home, it's not just cleaning, it's tidying, home admin, laundry, gardening, DIY, pet care etc etc. You need to have similar views ... please think very carefully.

Cassilis · 24/08/2019 14:03

Tidying up is 70% of housecleaning for us.

A cleaner is not going to solve that.

I can picture OP putting her fingers in her ears and going ‘lalalalalala’. This is clearly not what she wanted to hear.

justasking111 · 24/08/2019 14:05

Start lobbing his mess out of the window, worked with my DC`s when they were teenagers.

XXcstatic · 24/08/2019 14:06

He very rarely does any cleaning, and most days drops his clothes wherever he takes them off, whether that be socks in the lounge , or the rest of his clothes in our bedroom. I know a cleaner wouldn't (and shouldn't) pick up his stuff and i would still end up doing it so I'd rather save the money

Fuck that - I'd be tidying his stuff into the bin.

jennymanara · 24/08/2019 14:11

@xxstatistic Me too.
My DP is disabled, works longer hours than me, can not physically do some bits of housework, but he does do what he can. And he would never just drop clothes all about the house.

FilledSoda · 24/08/2019 14:23

Don't compromise your career and take a pay cut to clean this man's house .
You aren't even married
Get a cleaner

rededucator · 24/08/2019 14:30

I work Monday to Friday 37.5 weeks but DP that moved in can do up to 70 including weekends. When I lived alone I could clean and laundry in a few hours (shopping and making lunches too) but now everything takes twice as long. As he was at work he was t around in a Saturday to clean. This started to cause huge resentment on my part as I felt I was becoming a maid. So now he pays for a cleaner every other week for two hours. Best decision ever.

lucylouis · 24/08/2019 14:37

I said the exact same thing to my husband. We got a cleaner. She's the BEST

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