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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say either we get a cleaner or I work part time

139 replies

Boules · 24/08/2019 10:45

Am due to move in with DP in the next few weeks. He works long hours from home and only really cleans and tidies when the house gets to quite a disgusting level, then will blitz the whole thing. I prefer to keep stuff tidy and clean, not to an obsessive level but so that it’s pleasant to be in. He hates cleaning (obviously I love it Hmm) and just will not do it on a day to day basis, I’m not naive enough to think this will ever change. I’ve said to him that when I move in either we will have to get a cleaner or I will work part time and do the cleaning on the other days I would have worked. AIBU?

OP posts:
Madhatterhouse · 24/08/2019 11:09

On our second date(!) I told my now husband I would never live with a man again without having a cleaner. Just get one.

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 24/08/2019 11:11

Tell me you weren't seriously thinking about reducing your earnings and future pension!!! So you could clean up after a skanky bloke? Seriously?

TBH I wouldn't move in with him. Me and DH both hate cleaning and have a cleaner, but we are both also reasonable human beings who tidy up after ourselves as the week goes along. I would hate to live with someone with so little respect for the environment they live in.

elephantfan · 24/08/2019 11:14

Keep your job and your pension. Don't move in with him.
If you absolutely must move in with him, make sure he pays for a cleaner, if he is the dirty one.
Dont have children with him if he can't even clean up after himself.

Ellisandra · 24/08/2019 11:16

The fuck?
Just why would you ever talk about working part time so you clean up after him like his skivvy???!!! Confused

So, people have different standards and that’s not right or wrong sometimes - so a cleaner can be a good option.

But tell me, this cleaner that you don’t actually need and that you’re only getting because of him... who is paying for that?

Honestly, I would really think twice about moving in with a man who doesn’t care enough to up his standards to compromise with you lowering yours.

In the dying days of my marriage, we got a cleaner (paid by both Hmm) as I thought not arguing about his disgusting mess might take some pressure off. For example, I worked away Mon-Thu and would come home to his food-dried-on plate from Mon beside the sofa.

So cleaner would come Thu morning so I could come back to a clean house. Except Thu night’s plate would be starting to congeal by the time I got in. And if it wasn’t - then by Fri the place was a pigsty again.

Think very carefully about whether a cleaner would even solve the problem. Didn’t for me, and I resented him 3-fold because:

  • he was just as much of a pig
  • I was now paying out because of it
  • I was the only one trying to find a solution (to the problem he caused)
XXcstatic · 24/08/2019 11:20

Agree with PPs. You would be absolutely crazy to be give up any financial independence to clean up after a slob. Have some self-respect - it's not 1950 Grin

Before you move in, you need to have a really serious talk with him, because you will both need to compromise. Having a cleaner once a week is all very well, but I bet you end up doing at least an hour a day of housework on top and that needs to be shared. The danger of moving into his place is that everything will be on his terms. And, if you are planning kids, this will all get 100 times worse while you're on mat leave. You need to set boundaries now.

Don't let yourself get into the "I'll just.." mindset: "I'll just unstack the dishwasher", "I'll just run the hoover round - it will only take 5 minutes". All those 5 minutes add up to hours. Your time is just as valuable as his. Housework needs to be shared, so you both get the same amount of leisure time.

DC3dilemma · 24/08/2019 11:22

My advice is don’t move in. Read wifework, delay moving in, get him to read it and negotiate moving in over the next 6 months. Agree standards of cleanliness and how it will be maintained and ensure everything is explicitly agreed before you move in.

It’s really tough trying to sort this out once you are already in and a cleaner isn’t the whole solution.

My DH takes the cramming approach. He will do loads of domestic stuff all at once, once the house has been a shit tip for a few weeks. Because he won’t clean and tidy as he goes, the house is a shit tip for weeks at a time and I’m miserable. But he believes he does loads and there can’t be anything to complain about. The cleaner hasn’t really helped much -you have to tidy for a cleaner and the fact she comes once a week gives him an excuse to only tidy once a week in preparation for her. So the house is still messy the majority of the time and at it’s tidiest only for the cleaner. We are working on this...

Oysterbabe · 24/08/2019 11:26

Don't move in. Honestly. He will get 100% worse when he has someone there to clean up after him. If you have a child with him and take maternity leave you will suddenly find that all household chores and childcare are now your job and this will continue once you return to work. You see it on every day.

ElleDubloo · 24/08/2019 11:27

Are you sure you want to move in with him?

If so, get a cleaner. Ridiculous to reduce your working hours in order to clean. A cleaner costs £30-40 per week. Bargain.

99problemsandjust1appt · 24/08/2019 11:27

You need a cleaner. We literally couldn’t cope without ours. If money is tight we cut back in other areas to still afford a cleaner. I can go years without a haircut for example to afford a cleaner instead It’s vital for us
Last week she did 6 hours as it’s the holidays and I needed the help

HollowTalk · 24/08/2019 11:28

You're seriously considering giving up some of your working hours to clean up in the house? Are you crazy?

Look, if he doesn't live in the way you want to live, please rethink whether he's the man for you.

What happens if you get him to agree to a cleaner and then he refuses to pay for it once you're in?

ForkHandlesplease · 24/08/2019 11:28

Get a cleaner, as you have decided, but what about the general tidying up. Will you be able to keep up with that and not be very resentful picking up after him. or will he join you in a tidy up on days before cleaner is due in?

Ghanagirl · 24/08/2019 11:30

Get a cleaner

NoSauce · 24/08/2019 11:32

Get a cleaner and split the cost.

RedskyLastNight · 24/08/2019 11:32

If you employ a cleaner it will be for 2-3 hours a week. Why woikd you need to go part time to cover the same thing? If your DP will clean just in a more blitz the house type fashion, why not just say you will both spend an hour cleaning on a Saturday morning?
Though if he works longer hours than you, the usual MN rule of thumb is that you should be doing more cleaning any way.

Nousernameforme · 24/08/2019 11:35

Nope run away, run far away. You will end up being his maid. Don't do it, just don't.

DishingOutDone · 24/08/2019 11:36

Some pretty low standards you got there OP Hmm

HollowTalk · 24/08/2019 11:38

What was it about his tip of a house that made you want to live there?

Pardonwhat · 24/08/2019 11:38

Just clean up between yourselves. I’ve never known 2 full time workers incapable of cleaning between them. You (from what I can see from the OP) don’t even have children to be cleaning up behind. Working part time to clean a house is ridiculous.

Lovemenorca · 24/08/2019 11:39

This already doesn’t sound a happy relationship and you’re embarking on a big step forward

I’d be reconsidering the relationship actually

Di1979 · 24/08/2019 11:39

A) I'd never move in with a guy who was slovenly
But
B) Why would you even think about going to p/time?! Or, even getting a cleaner?

Unless it's fucking Highclere Castle, I'm sure you're capable of looking after your property.

ReTooth · 24/08/2019 11:42

Don't move in with someone who puts himself first!

He isn’t putting himself first, at least not anymore than the OP is. He has as much right to be happy to live in a pigsty as the OP has to want to live somewhere clean and tidy.

In the OPs case I think it’s a no brainier to have a cleaner. Id agree the cost and who is going to pay before moving in.

We have a cleaner come in twice a week, it used to be three times a week when the kids were younger. I feel very fortunate to be able to afford it as I think it makes a massive difference to how relaxed and happy our household it.

ButterflyBun · 24/08/2019 11:43

@sackrifice
How many hours does your cleaner do a month for that amount? That sounds very reasonable.
My mother in law has offered to clean for us for £15 an hour. I think I can manage without but just interested to know what others pay.

DowntonCrabby · 24/08/2019 11:44

Goodness, DO NOT go part time!

Just make he cleaner non negotiable.

Chanellta · 24/08/2019 11:45

Christ, don't reduce your income. I actually wouldn't move in to be honest, resentment is a relationship killer

sackrifice · 24/08/2019 11:45

How many hours does your cleaner do a month for that amount? That sounds very reasonable. My mother in law has offered to clean for us for £15 an hour. I think I can manage without but just interested to know what others pay.

2 every fortnight.