To say either we get a cleaner or I work part time

[Boules]

Am due to move in with DP in the next few weeks. He works long hours from home and only really cleans and tidies when the house gets to quite a disgusting level, then will blitz the whole thing. I prefer to keep stuff tidy and clean, not to an obsessive level but so that it’s pleasant to be in. He hates cleaning (obviously I love it ) and just will not do it on a day to day basis, I’m not naive enough to think this will ever change. I’ve said to him that when I move in either we will have to get a cleaner or I will work part time and do the cleaning on the other days I would have worked. AIBU?

YABU to go part time so you be your boyfriend's maid because he can't be arsed to clean up after himself appropriately.

I wouldn't move in with him, tbh. But if you do, make him pay for the cleaner.

Personally OP I'd read the room, and not move in with someone who is literally going to leave all the shit work to you.

This is madness!

You want to move in with a man child and are willing to curtail your career, earning power and pension to go part time to do his cleaning and his scuddy washing? Give your head a wobble woman. Please don't get pregnant or you will be trapped as his domestic drudge forever. Ugh.

Don't move in, better to dump him and make sure you find an adult for your next relationship.

I pay £13 an hour
3.5 hours a week

3 bedroom property

Whilst away on holiday though I increase to 5 hours for a deep clean. Love walking in front door and everything sparkling!

I'd be very, very wary of having my MIL clean my house. I think that would end up in tears.

I would reconsider moving in with him if he isn't going to grow up and pull his weight, cleaning is the thin end of the wedge, there will be many other basic day to day household/admin things, not obvious yet, that he'll not bother with, you'll get lumbered with doing or finding the solution and will eventually drive you to resent him.

Imagine a few years down the line if you decide to have a family and/or you have to budget and cannot afford a cleaner? Now is the time to raise your expectations of him before you move in with him.

Reduce your earnings and pension to pick up his pants? No.

Yabu to want to move in with a man you're not married to while restricting yourself career wise. You want to work PT in order to keep his house? Yabvvvu.

Don't move in.

I can practically guarantee that it's not just the cleaning.

Basically, don't move in with a slob, he will take you for granted and you will resent him and his mess.

The cleaner won't tidy up, you'll have to.

Unless they're in daily you'll still do the dishwasher, the sink, the washing.

The clothes will pile up

etc etc

Unless you get a housekeeper you're going to be very miserable.

(Is he prepared to pay, btw or will it be out of your money because he doesn't care?)

You sound ridiculous! You’re moving with a man and making yourself earn less! Why! To become dependant on a man? Pathetic. You need to decide whether this relationship is right for you. You are arguing about housekeeping even before you move in. Another woman who thinks they can change a man or save them. You can’t change him. Accept him as he is / find a solution that doesn’t involve you losing your independence or find a new partner. I despair sometimes

Get yourself a cleaner for a Monday to clean after the week-end and Friday before the week-end you can then both tidy your own things everyday I always had my cleaner on these days when we lived in the family house,once a month she did a deep clean of the kitchen/windows/skirting boards etc when she came in on a Wednesday she was worth her weight in gold that lady.
I would arrange for him to send his work shirts and other clothes to cleaners/laundry so you don't get stuck with them either.

Good grief. No, just no.
Don't move in with him.
No way on this earth should you even consider going part time to tidy up after some slovenly man.
A cleaner might work but how often are they going to be coming? Also both of you will have to pay for the cleaner - not just you because you wanted the cleaner. You'll both still need to keep the house reasonably tidy so the cleaner can actually clean.

I lived with a complete slob. I should have known better as his place was a disgusting shit tip. When we moved in together I thought things would be better but I ended up cleaning all the time and he just made a mess 5 minutes after I had cleaned.
I think if your standards of cleanliness are so far out as mine and ex's were, you're not compatible.

I voted YANBU but I actually wouldn't be moving in with him.

YABU, not because you shouldn't be getting a cleaner but because he should be paying for one anyway. You should not be reducing your earning potential, pension contributions etc just because he's a slob.

You are planning to make changes to fit in with his preference not to clean.

What changes does he plan to make, to fit in with you?

If I were you I wouldn't be moving in. Equally if I were him I wouldn't want you to move in.
You're happy with how you want your house to be and the cleanliness of it. So is he. Neither is right or wrong. Please don't take the advice of trying to force him to pay for a cleaner. It's your issue at the end of the day, he's happy with his house. Just don't live together. You may just be incompatible.

Also if I were him I'd be very very wary of someone suggesting they go part time with no children to clean the house, I'd think they were wanting me to support them. After all, it doesn't take long to clean a house.

Depends what the replacement cost is for your work - would the cleaner cost more or less than you earn?

DH and I both work long hours and the last thing I want to do with any spare time is clean, so when we got married that was one of the things we agreed on. I earn more an hour than a cleaner costs (including traveling time) so cleaner it is!

We've had breaks when I've been part time or on maternity leave (at my suggestion, before anyone jumps on me for being a doormat) but generally it's worked for us.

I voted YABU because you shouldn’t restrict your earning ability and pension contributions to clean up after a lazy twat. I bet you’ll be helping to pay his mortgage too. He gets a cleaner, help with bills and a sex service. What do you get? No rights because you’re not even married yet you’re going to work part time

Yabu to want to move in with a man you're not married to while restricting yourself career wise. You want to work PT in order to keep his house? Yabvvvu.

THIS! x10000, with exponents. Complete and utter financial stupidity. You are fundamentally incompatible when it comes to living together and it's not a requirement to have a successful relationship. I would never move in with him but to give up work to clean his house? Just wow.

I actually think this is a really sensible plan. You're going into this fully understanding that you both have wildly different standards of cleanliness that will never change. It's better to just accept it and make some reasonable adjustments than to spend the rest of your lives arguing with each other about it and hoping that someone will change who they are.

Sorry, I didn't actually specify that I meant the cleaner was a sensible plan.

For God's sake don't drop down to part time hours for the sole purpose of cleaning up after this man. That's madness.

You are absolutely BU.

Do not reduce your working hours to clean a man's house!

There is a world of difference between simply tidying up after yourself as you go and Proper Cleaning. I wouldn't be interested in being with a man who couldn't keep a house from getting filthy.

It's fine not to enjoy cleaning, and if he can afford a cleaner then he should get one, but he should not be living in a pig sty and nor should you.