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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Just been shouted out by funeral party...

717 replies

Pinklady1982 · 23/08/2019 13:05

Aibu to be feeling really upset by this? I was just driving along and a funeral car pulled out slowly from a turning. They had about 10 cars behind it which were possibly all part of the party, so I slowed down and let a load of cars through. Now this was a residential road and I could see some other cars had joined the back of the queue. I started easing forward a bit as if I kept waiting there letting all the cars out I would be there ages and needed to get home, also I wasn't to know if they were all part of the funeral. I had right of way as they were in a side turning, but sat there patiently for a while. Well this lady then rolls down her window and starts shouting at me! Saying they are part of the funeral party and could I not see that. I explained that I had let about 10 cars go and wasn't to know who was part of the party and who wasn't. She just shouted at me to get out of the way very loudly and rudely and pulled out. I just put my window up and pulled over as I felt a bit shaken. I'm feeling a bit vulnerable anyway at the moment and I hate confrontation. I know that at these times emotions will be heightened, but was I really in the wrong here? They were going to then be pulling out onto a main road where I'm sure they would be seperated by other cars, so you can't all expect to stay together surely?

OP posts:
OpheliaTodd · 23/08/2019 16:03

Nonsense, they'll all get split up and junctions and traffic lights anyway. Let all the hearses out, but everyone else is just a normal road user, who happen to be going to a funeral

This.

WillLokireturn · 23/08/2019 16:03

@Spinzy oh that's a really sad uncomfortable memory to have carried got so many years. You sound so thoughtful feeling notified.
If it helps, she wouldn't have been in her right mind and maybe years later she regrets it but understood why. Grief does crazy things to people's heads at the time. I hope you have let it go now. Flowers

Lifecraft · 23/08/2019 16:03

It's standard to stop when a funeral cortege passes though isn't it?

I was walking to a football match once, FA Cup quarter final, a big game, and this funeral procession drove past. This old bloke who was ahead of us also going to the game stopped and doffed his cap. I said to him "that was a very nice gesture" and he replied "well, she was a good wife to me for 40 years".

CalishataFolkart · 23/08/2019 16:04

@WillLokireturn

I have RTFT. I have seen suggestions that cars in a funeral procession have flags or their lights on (in common with many other cars) or passengers wearing black. This was not the case in this instance.

So, given these observations, how is the OP or anyone else meant to known that car was part of the procession. How would you have known?

WillLokireturn · 23/08/2019 16:05

@Lifecraft 😆😆 that's quite funny.an anecdote!!! Clearly not true but well timed in this thread! 😂

NoCauseRebel · 23/08/2019 16:06

@Spinzy you have absolutely nothing to feel guilty about. The woman called you a fucking cunt? In that instance I couldn’t give a shit if she was grieving, that’s never acceptable, s you did the right thing.

Original poster
Pinklady1982 · 23/08/2019 16:06

I've had chocolate and crisps, don't actually have any cake! But may get one tomorrow :) I still feel bad about it all but glad I got it off my chest and maybe we have all learned something today!

OP posts:
PrimalLass · 23/08/2019 16:06

Why the hell did I say that?! It haunted me for years.

You were right to. Swearing at a child because they were crossing a dangerous road and trying to stay safe was a horrible thing to do, no matter her circumstances.

Sirzy · 23/08/2019 16:07

Sometimes splitting a long cortège can’t be avoided especially if you can’t tell who is involved.

The worst was on the way to my grandpas funeral where a workman (for a large national company) got between the hearse and the first funeral car. Now that was rude!

WillLokireturn · 23/08/2019 16:08

@CalishataFolkart
I said earlier in detail in the thread.

And if I wasn't sure, I'd have excercised caution and let more cars out. (Maybe stopped at the work vans! )

coconuttelegraph · 23/08/2019 16:09

Funeral processions are told to keep going through red lights and other traffic has to wait

I've read some nonsense on here but that ones in the running for bollox of the month, you don't really think that's correct do you?

Spinzy · 23/08/2019 16:11

I don’t think what she said was ok, I just don’t think I needed to point that out to her right there and then! Most people would have come to that realisation themselves afterwards anyway. I am pretty sure I sounded quite haughty. How horrible for everyone else in the car. I know we would have just looked like stupid teenagers messing about and getting in the way of traffic to her and it would have just been best if I had let her say it and not responded. I certainly would have felt better about the whole thing if I’d just walked away.

Celebelly · 23/08/2019 16:12

I would have shouted "it'll be your funeral soon if you don't shut your fat cakehole

This is my favourite post this week Grin

WillLokireturn · 23/08/2019 16:13

To add to my last comment, unless says vans have ribbons or flowers on them, as have seen that before for a funeral of a young carpenter.

@Pinklady1982
I hope those biscuits hit the spot then . You know you'll have been /will be forgiven for an honest mistake and you sound really lovely.

Ginnymweasley · 23/08/2019 16:16

I was once missed a drs appointment because of a funeral procession. I had to get the bus as I didn't have a car at the time. Left with an hour to spare. Stood waiting for the bus, it was late. Suddenly I hear very loud Guns and Rose's, and see the start of a funeral procession. Figured this was why my bus was late. Hearse drives past,followed by 2 limos and then about 20 cars. The bus then arrives but the bus has to follow behind the procession to the cemetery about a mile away. Going 20mph. People on the bus were getting annoyed but I figured it was just one of those things. Get to the cemetery. One mourner parks their car on the side of the road, not leaving enough space for the bus to get past. Bus driver leans out and asks them to moves, man in car gives him a mouthful about how he is with the funeral and how the driver should have more respect. The bus ended up having to reverse and go down another road and back on itself to join the main road.
Sadly some people are just arseholes irrespective of whether they are mourning or not. I later heard that the road was blocked for over half an hour. It was the main bus route into the village.
I dont think you did anything wrong OP. You didn't realise she was with the funeral. It was a mistake. There is no need to be rude she could have nicely said something if she was so bothered.

WillLokireturn · 23/08/2019 16:17

@Spinzy well, you were an inexperienced teenager and taken by surprise at the language she used at you. I think I would have been too. I can't imagine calling anyone a C U next Tuesday even in depths of my crazy grief

She won't have been herself and won't have meant it. That's the point worth holding on to. And that that bridge isn't a good one to walk in middle of road of.

viques · 23/08/2019 16:17

funeral processions are told to keep going through red lights

Is this on page 7 of the funeral directors little book of how to drum up business?

And I do hope someone has told the Home Secretary about all these police officers escorting funerals through the street. No wonder there are no officers left to solve burglaries.

I suspect that the person who posted this has never been to a funeral in their life but has a vague memory of seeing Princess Diana's funeral on the telly. Or was it Jade Goody's?

PinkSparklyPussyCat · 23/08/2019 16:17

You can usually spot whose going to funeral in cars following the hearse and the cheeky van drivers or normal traffic that has or wabts to cut in.

How on earth do you know who's going to the funeral if they are in their own cars and not a limo?

Fairylea · 23/08/2019 16:18

Op you weren’t to know, please don’t beat yourself up about this. If there were in normal cars and you’d let tons go already how was anyone supposed to know?!

Also..

I’m amazed we’ve got to page 9 and no one has shared this link! (Where they did pull out in between lead cars!)

ScreamingValenta · 23/08/2019 16:18

I remember once we got behind a slow-moving queue of traffic on the motorway, thinking there must be a queue ahead on the slip-road. It was only when we got onto the slip road we realised we had inadvertently joined a funeral cortege. The hearse had a beautiful 'Mum' wreath in the back, which made DH a bit emotional as he'd recently lost his dad.

NoCauseRebel · 23/08/2019 16:23

Most people would have come to that realisation themselves afterwards anyway.

Actually no, I don’t think they would. I think that anyone who uses that kind of language in public does so regardless of the situation. Grief doesn’t suddenly turn you into someone who is prepared to scream the C word out in a public street. It just doesn’t. The woman was a vile bitch, perhaps grief made her more of a bitch but likely sh was a fowl-mouthed bitch already.

Original poster
Pinklady1982 · 23/08/2019 16:23

Sorry I lied, I had Jaffa cakes! Forgot about those!

OP posts:
BuggerOffAndGoodDayToYou · 23/08/2019 16:24

This is the reason why I have let it be known that for my funeral the hearse will drive at a normal speed for the prevailing traffic.

My mum specified that as well! She made the decision after she was late for a chemotherapy session because the bus to the station was held up behind a cortège meaning she missed the train.

SaraNade · 23/08/2019 16:25

It amazes me how self-absorbed some are. Who really wants to be following a hearse and staring at a coffin in the back? Seems morbid to me. The hearse is merely transporting the coffin somewhere. It is not necessary for people to follow straight after. Even if you are into that sort of thing, the funeral limo carrying the immediate family members is quite sufficient. There is no need for a 'grand parade' of more cars than that. That to me, sounds better than holding up traffic. Especially as I and I imagine many others including children would find staring at a coffin for an entire car ride to be quite upsetting and traumatising. I could not do that. And I wouldn't do it. Though most funeral directors make sure the coffin is already there at the place when you arrive. We did that with my dad. His coffin was already at the cemetery grounds where the service was held. I could not have emotionally coped with staring at a coffin while driving. And you cannot expect for many cars to all stay together unbroken, that is ludicrous. You always get separated somehow. The OP let 10 cars go by, that is more than reasonably could be expected.

CalishataFolkart · 23/08/2019 16:27

@WillLokireturn

“Cars following funeral procession are usually full and with people dressed up with lights on low in the day to indicate they are part of funeral procession.”

You then went on to say that funeral attendees might not be wearing black.
It has been noted that many cars these days have daytime lights.
Any vehicle behind a funeral cortège will be driving slowly even a long way back.

I’m not trying to be disrespectful here, I just can’t see how the OP or anyone else would be expected to know that this particular car was part of the procession.

It was OP’s right of way and she had already observed the cortège, cautiously given way and exercised patience by allowing ten cars through. What more should she have done?

Please don’t tell me to read it again. I already have and I would like to know how to avoid this situation in future so I would appreciate the tips you say have been given (apart from flags, dress and headlights as these have been dealt with).