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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Just been shouted out by funeral party...

717 replies

Pinklady1982 · 23/08/2019 13:05

Aibu to be feeling really upset by this? I was just driving along and a funeral car pulled out slowly from a turning. They had about 10 cars behind it which were possibly all part of the party, so I slowed down and let a load of cars through. Now this was a residential road and I could see some other cars had joined the back of the queue. I started easing forward a bit as if I kept waiting there letting all the cars out I would be there ages and needed to get home, also I wasn't to know if they were all part of the funeral. I had right of way as they were in a side turning, but sat there patiently for a while. Well this lady then rolls down her window and starts shouting at me! Saying they are part of the funeral party and could I not see that. I explained that I had let about 10 cars go and wasn't to know who was part of the party and who wasn't. She just shouted at me to get out of the way very loudly and rudely and pulled out. I just put my window up and pulled over as I felt a bit shaken. I'm feeling a bit vulnerable anyway at the moment and I hate confrontation. I know that at these times emotions will be heightened, but was I really in the wrong here? They were going to then be pulling out onto a main road where I'm sure they would be seperated by other cars, so you can't all expect to stay together surely?

OP posts:
4cats2kids · 25/08/2019 10:41

I got the impression her posts were coming from a place of grief and how she had arranged things. It’s not helpful to label anyone on here a bully. It’s the kind of topic where many will have strong feelings about the right way to do things,

LilyMumsnet · 25/08/2019 10:41

Hello all,

Please can we have a bit of peace and love?

SaraNade · 25/08/2019 11:15

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

SaraNade · 25/08/2019 11:17

Given that there are absolutely no indicators as to a funeral procession, how is it possible to know who are and who aren't part of it? That's an interesting question.

SaraNade · 25/08/2019 11:21

Sorry, posted too soon. Or rather, how many cars are legitimate processions, and how many is too many before it's taking the piss? I would say 5 maximum (you only need the one limo for the immediate family unless there are many brothers and sisters). Most other people meet you at the place/arrive before or after the actual immediate mourners arrive.

IHateUncleJamie · 25/08/2019 11:30

@Sara I am indeed serious. I completely disagree that Loki has bullied or gaslighted anyone (and trust me, I have an extremely highly tuned radar for both behaviours) but in any case, why not just report the posts you think break MN rules? There’s absolutely no need to “urge” other people to pile on a poster as if you’re running to teacher to tell tales.

Mumofyoungteenagers · 25/08/2019 12:27

OP IMO you were NOT being unreasonable as I’m sure you’ve gathered from the majority of the Posters on here. If I were you, I’d treat her the same as the Posters who continue to argue you were wrong, ignore, ignore, ignore. You gave the deceased and a huge number of mourners through I can’t see what else the others were expecting? Just because you are attending/following and funeral doesn’t give you the right to break the Highway Code which the lady in the car did by your account twice.

At least you didn’t drive into the hearse which is what my husband did at my mothers funeral, (he didn’t know where the funeral was and was following closely, the hearse stopped suddenly and he didn’t! ) mum would have laughed she’d have found it funny! I hope that makes you giggle and forget the female shouting at you. Xx

Mumofyoungteenagers · 25/08/2019 12:28

Gave=let sorry big fingers itty bitty keypad xx

SaraNade · 25/08/2019 12:38

IHateUncleJamie I really wanted to get past this but I suggest you read her posts again. Particularly whenever anyone says the OP cannot have been expected to let everyone through, she pops up with this:
"This thread has become rather bullying and unneccesary, when PPs have merely answered others requests, with their experience of what might give a procession away. It's not a topic that ought attract any lack of kindness, and thought for others, in posting
I hope MNHQ come along soon with a 'be kind ' reminder, I've certainly asked them to."

NB*Not the last sentence indicating she went running to MNHQ because people (in her view) were not being 'kind'. Yet I have not seen anyone be unkind. Except herself.

"I've been astonished by the lack of respect that PPs have been taught growing up by their parents, on this thread."

"No point in arguing with those that can't take a moment to apply logic to the whole picture and want to argue minor issues. Nor be extra patient out of respect.
We have nothing in common. And are unlikely to agree. Respect your views, don't want you to be in my large circle of people. And you wouldn't be as you'd be spotted too quickly."

"I have seen some shocking PPs comments on here and worry that some people really don't care about others."

"@Ginnymweasley. See my point above. Outed yourself. Hope your important routine life stuff doesn't ever ever have to make you think about what has been discussed. 🥺"

"Well done you for believing you have proved a minor random point irrelevant to this thread. Of your own making about motorway traffic and LED lights: and struggled to read the full thread which said many ways you might suspect they are trying to follow funeral as a procession of cars, in context of what you observe. And to be extra patient, more observant & give benefit of the doubt in case it's their worst day ever, as it won't be yours.

Of course if you're terribly busy, who cares eh? I mean all that many PPs have said, is to try to have a bit of humanity. I havent argued with OP. Of course you haven't disagreed with that?! Of course not.

I do despair of some MNers who don't engage their critical thinking nor kindness first, before posting petty points."

"On a thread about a family's worst day, there are some unpleasant people on here. Even OP said she understood and thanked PPs for the different perspectives & tips."

"We are talking about a funeral here. No one has condoned the lady who shouted at OP. OK & others asked how they might have known and several PPs made suggestions to look out for. This thread has become rather bullying and unneccesary, when PPs have merely answered others requests, with their experience of what might give a procession away. It's not a topic that ought attract any lack of kindness, and thought for others, in posting
I hope MNHQ come along soon with a 'be kind ' reminder, I've certainly asked them to."

All of the above is all because someone disagreed with her or because she was asked to clarify what she meant re 'indicators'. There is a reason many have called her out. As MulticolourMophead has said: I am always respectful towards funerals, but you've been blethering on in this thread about 'indicators' and ignoring the posters who have asked you how to identify a funeral procession when these indicators are absent. And judging from replies, a lot of people are unaware of these 'indicators'.

Loki keeps on saying there are 'indicators' then when asked to clarify, she refuses and says it is petty or insignificant. So she is saying the indicators themselves are petty and insignificant, while acting as if they are major giveaways. The 'indicators' she said are simply generic every day things people dressed up (people dressed in black for a funeral became 'dressed up' when it was pointed out to her lady is in pink) when people normally dress up to go to work, to a job interview, to a work function etc. So that eliminates that as an exclusive 'indicator'. Then there was the lights on, which almost no one but her knew of - and lights during the day are compulsory in some cars, not to mention UK's bad weather, and the fact that light-coloured (ie white) cars are recommended to have their lights on permanently, in order to be seen. Ok, that one is gone, too. Next people are 'trying to keep up with the procession'. How can anyone tell if the person is trying to keep up with the procession, or the general flow of traffic?

See what I mean, there are no indicators. She came on saying there were 'indicators'. Then when people said how the indicators are just general driving/living, she accused people of being petty yet those posters made valid points, what she said were indicators, were not indicators at all. So she thought they were significant enough to call indicators, yet when anyone says 'but that is standard', it is then 'insignificant'. Any request for her to explain is met with RTFT fgs. And then parroting the 'unpleasant posters' bit. She has cast aspersions on people suggesting they are 'arseholes' and 'outed them self' as 'arseholes'. She has called posters unpleasant after being asked to clarify, while dodging the question. And as I've shown above, she has stated herself she has reported people and asked MNHQ to tell people to be 'kind', yet as the above shows, she is the only one who has been unkind. Disagreeing with people is not unkind. Calling people arseholes, refusing the clarify a couple of points (that she felt significant enough to mention, but suddenly became insignificant when people showed holes in her 'indicators'), instead repeating snidely and slyly (to no one in particular) about 'unpleasant' and 'unkind' people and telling everyone she was running to MNHQ. If you really can't see now how that poster has been derailing the thread with their sly gaslighting comments about people being 'unpleasant' and 'unkind' while dismissing their (truly valid) points as 'petty and insignificant' while boasting about running to MNHQ, I just can't....

SaraNade · 25/08/2019 12:40

Mumofyoungteenagers "At least you didn’t drive into the hearse which is what my husband did at my mothers funeral, (he didn’t know where the funeral was and was following closely, the hearse stopped suddenly and he didn’t! )"

I gasped at that. I hope there was no damage to your mother's coffin?

IHateUncleJamie · 25/08/2019 13:07

@SaraNade ok, you have a gripe against Loki. Entirely your prerogative. We all have people on here we don’t get on with, who might trigger us, who make us cross. For the third time though, just report the posts that you think contravene MN’s talk guidelines. That’s all you need to do.

What you don’t need to do is derail the thread by telling everyone, multiple times, that another poster is a bully. We’re (quite rightly) not allowed to troll hunt on here so why should we be able to accuse people of basically being sociopaths (i.e. bullying and gaslighting)? Or trying to incite pile-ons and urging other people to report someone?

Anyway, we’re both derailing the wretched thread now.

Mumofyoungteenagers · 25/08/2019 13:17

SaraNade no, no damage to the coffin just minor bumper damage. The funny thing was (if funny was the right word) was my dad saying “I hope you don’t need the AA because the only who is a member is your Mum!” Then giving us both a hug saying “it happens don’t worry.” Hubby was mortified it was the first time he had met with most of my family. But you know when you drive on the road, funeral or not other cars happen, and everybody (other road users and funeral attendees included) should realise that. I just hope that the OP realises that and has not taken the being shouted at to much to heart. Xx

SaraNade · 25/08/2019 13:21

@IHateUncleJamie - I never had a gripe against Loki until I saw multiple people on here being called bullies, being called arseholes, being called unpleasant, and all from the one poster who simply refuses to even answer a simple question or acknowledge even a point, but simply dismisses everything they can't explain. It was the bullying I cannot abide, and I do call that out. I think (or thought) it was the right thing to do. You're saying I'm wrong to call out that behaviour and just let her sneer at everyone and derail the topic.

Even after all that proof, and taking the time to explain to you, to reason? smh. I just can't even.... so I won't, except to say what you are accusing me of, is what Loki did. They mentioned at least 3 times about reporting people to MNHQ and getting them to 'tell people to be kind'. That is also troll hunting as well as attempting to incite pile-ons of people. Rather strange how you never noticed her herself calling people 'bullies', nor her own multiple pointed mentions about reporting to MNHQ. Only mine.

Pinklady1982 · 25/08/2019 13:24

I've hidden the thread as suggested. Thank you all again who have taken the time to reply. I think we should all move on now xx

OP posts:
Pinklady1982 · 25/08/2019 13:29

You mean well Sara, I can see that. These threads do get people acting all kinds of crazy unfortunately!

OP posts:
Idontwanttotalk · 25/08/2019 13:36

She may have travelled to get to the funeral and not know the area well. She could have been panicking about getting separated from the rest of the party in case she didn't know the address/how to get to the service or wake.

Yes, some of the cars will get separated from the rest at traffic lights etc but I think I'd have given her some leeway under the circumstances.

iklboo · 25/08/2019 13:44

Have you read any of the thread?

Contraceptionismyfriend · 25/08/2019 13:55

@Idontwanttotalk if she doesn't know the area then it's her responsibility as the driver to familiarise herself with the journey. Not become bitchy to other drivers. It's 2019 she can use a sat nav.

Pinklady1982 · 25/08/2019 13:58

How are new posters still finding this and posting when I've hidden it??

OP posts:
DappledThings · 25/08/2019 14:01

You can only hide it from yourself Pinklady. It's still there otherwise. Hiding a thread is so you can try to forget it and let it move on without you

Pinklady1982 · 25/08/2019 14:11

Ah i see! Didn't know that!

OP posts:
Mothership4two · 25/08/2019 16:37

You did nothing wrong OP. As has previously been said, she may have been upset through grief or just a mean and nasty person. You had no way of knowing that they were in the funeral cortege. And people yelling at other people from cars seems to have become the UK's no.1 hobby. It is horrid when you get yelled at (for any reason) and is generally totally unnecessary, so I can understand you feeling a bit shaken afterwards.

Several posters seem to have a lot of deference to funeral processions (bowing heads by side of the road, expecting ppl to let out long queues, etc). Not everyone feels that way. I have to say that when I have been in one, especially on the occasions where I have been really upset, I have just generally tried to get through the day and couldn't give a shiny shit if someone pulls out infront of my car or the car I'm in.

Glad you are feeling better and able to appreciate cake and biscuits!

Lifecraft · 25/08/2019 22:56

@Lifecraft I would have shouted "it'll be your funeral soon if you don't shut your fat cakehole". But I'm not the most sensitive of souls

@NoSauce Only an grade A twat with half a brain cell would have said that. Sometimes and this was one of them we just have to shut our mouths and have a bit of respect.

Nah...I'm a grade B twat at most. A grade A twat would be some loadmouthed fishwife, who, whilst part of a funeral procession, screams abuse at other road users. I've never heard of such disrespect, what a dreadful way to behave when attending a funeral.

mathanxiety · 26/08/2019 01:53

how many cars are legitimate processions, and how many is too many before it's taking the piss? I would say 5 maximum
SaraNade

Seriously?

mathanxiety · 26/08/2019 01:56

You do realise that the world hasn't stopped because someone died, right? May be harsh, but it's true. People have medical appointments, court appointments (custody battles and such), need to pick up children, etc etc. The death of your loved one feels like the end of your world, but other people on the roads have lives too, it seems that some are selfishly forgetting this and think the whole world revolves around their Grand Parade production.
SaraNade

Surely you cannot be serious?