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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Just been shouted out by funeral party...

717 replies

Pinklady1982 · 23/08/2019 13:05

Aibu to be feeling really upset by this? I was just driving along and a funeral car pulled out slowly from a turning. They had about 10 cars behind it which were possibly all part of the party, so I slowed down and let a load of cars through. Now this was a residential road and I could see some other cars had joined the back of the queue. I started easing forward a bit as if I kept waiting there letting all the cars out I would be there ages and needed to get home, also I wasn't to know if they were all part of the funeral. I had right of way as they were in a side turning, but sat there patiently for a while. Well this lady then rolls down her window and starts shouting at me! Saying they are part of the funeral party and could I not see that. I explained that I had let about 10 cars go and wasn't to know who was part of the party and who wasn't. She just shouted at me to get out of the way very loudly and rudely and pulled out. I just put my window up and pulled over as I felt a bit shaken. I'm feeling a bit vulnerable anyway at the moment and I hate confrontation. I know that at these times emotions will be heightened, but was I really in the wrong here? They were going to then be pulling out onto a main road where I'm sure they would be seperated by other cars, so you can't all expect to stay together surely?

OP posts:
mathanxiety · 24/08/2019 07:25

MaxNormal, do you do much driving in urban areas of the US?

I live in a very built up area and the system that has been developed works beautifully.

coconuttelegraph · 24/08/2019 07:33

I can't see how any system of driving through red lights could be introduced in England, it would surely be a recipe for disaster, different obviously if you already have it in place

Contraceptionismyfriend · 24/08/2019 07:34

Driving through red lights is absolutely ridiculous. It was clearly a rule created by the undertakers during a quite period to get more business.

Fozzleyplum · 24/08/2019 07:39

My view is that you should never cut in between a hearse and a car which is obviously part of the funeral- usually because it is large and black, like the hearse.

The same does not apply to ordinary cars carrying funeral attenders. I've never noticed the practice of having lights on to mark an ordinary car as part of a funeral procession. They are just people going to a funeral and are part of the normal traffic.

AuntieMarys · 24/08/2019 07:40

I'm glad there will be no funeral procession for me.
What a palarver!

iklboo · 24/08/2019 07:42

The OP isn't in the US so you can't apply the same rules.

Contraceptionismyfriend · 24/08/2019 07:42

After reading this thread I have to ask do hearses have to go slow?!
I thought they had to go that speed!
If not why the hell is it still happening?!

It's completely pointless. Why can't we just do away with it then?

Twins7902 · 24/08/2019 07:47

Here in the us if the procession is large as was my daughters the funeral home hires off duty police to escort the procession.

Palaver1 · 24/08/2019 07:47

WillLokireturn
She’s not a mind reader.
She’s said she didn’t know they were part of the group going .
OP don’t take it personally.

mathanxiety · 24/08/2019 08:08

Well it had to start somewhere, coconuttelegraph? US funeral procession rules have simply kept up with the development of cars and heavier traffic while retaining a sense of respect for the dead and the feelings of their loved ones.

Rules don't get created by undertakers, Contraceptionismyfriend.
That takes the legislative process, which involves consultation and voting.

The lead car is obviously obliged to stop if the car in front of it (not part of the procession) stops, and if the light is red when the procession approaches. The procession must yield to emergency vehicles and police directions.

Processions tend to be long, though I have seen processions of only half a dozen cars.

Contraceptionismyfriend · 24/08/2019 08:10

@mathanxiety trust me. That was an under the table deal by the undertakers.

mathanxiety · 24/08/2019 08:10

iklboo there are rules and there is the thought behind them - in this case respect for the grief of the family and friends. Has this disappeared from British life?

mathanxiety · 24/08/2019 08:11

Funeral processions have always been a feature of American life, Contraceptionismyfriend. They predate traffic lights and multi lane highways.

mathanxiety · 24/08/2019 08:13

I am kind of aghast at the impatience toward funerals displayed on this thread.

It's incredibly distasteful and surely hurtful to anyone who has followed a hearse containing the remains of someone close.

Contraceptionismyfriend · 24/08/2019 08:13

Ah. Maybe, and this may be a crazy thought, the rules should be updated. To get with the times?
Because it's great to be respectful. But safety is fun as well.

Contraceptionismyfriend · 24/08/2019 08:15

Funerals are a wonderful way for the family and loved ones to say good bye to the deceased.

But I think it's ridiculous to slow and haunt traffic if it's not necessary. I thought they had to go that speed! Now I know they don't I think we should ban the slowness. Life goes on and for anyone outside the family and friends the death shouldn't affect them.

People have jobs to get to on time! Hospital appointments, school etc and the grieving can still grieve at the appropriate speed limit.

Ginnymweasley · 24/08/2019 08:18

But british funerals are generally different from american funerals. It is just not the norm to have huge funeral processions. That is not disrespectful it's just a different cultural norm. Ireland is different again. Most funerals in the uk people make their own way to the church or crematorium. Traffic and roads are different in the uk so comparing it to a country the the USA is pointless.

Original poster
Pinklady1982 · 24/08/2019 09:31

Most people would not cut into a procession, no matter where in the world it is. They do have them in the UK but it's not as common as other countries and in this case it wasn't obvious where the end of the line was as there were no indicators to make it clear as it was on a residential road with other cars joining onto the back. You couldn't even where they had come from. I think it's all derailed a bit here!

OP posts:
Mitebiteatnite · 24/08/2019 09:33

Most funerals we attend, DH and I make our own way there because all of our family live in London and we live Suffolk so it makes sense to meet them ay the crematorium. However for my DDads funeral, we obviously were in one of the funeral cars. We met at mum and dad's house, as did the entire extended family (and there's a lot of us). The undertaker walked in front of the hearse until we got to the main road, then got in the hearse and drove off at normal speed, everyone followed in their own cars. There must have been about 35 cars, but of course we got split up on the way. There's a way to have a traditional funeral without it impacting on others and disrupting their day. My parents lived on a small housing estate all their married lives and everyone knew my dad, so everybody knew what was going on and nobody was bothered by a 10 minute disruption. It would have been ridiculous to try and continue the procession for any more than that though, and damn near impossible on the busy streets of South London!

prettybird · 24/08/2019 09:41

I've been driving for 35 years (and around for 58 Wink), mostly living in urban places (majority of time in Glasgow but also Welwyn Garden City but driving into London regularly and Bolton) and used to travel a lot for work.

I have come across a funeral cortège maybe 5 times over that long Blush period, so they are not that common in the UK.

I've been to 10+ funerals (an increasing frequency now Sad), including my mum's, my FIL's and both parents of a close friend (at different times) and not been been involved in a single cortège.

The OP was not unreasonable and insensitive in not realising that the "extra" cars were part of the cortège so was not unreasonable to be upset at the highly unwarranted outburst from the woman who shouted at her. But as was said, she recognised that she might have been grieving herself and nerves jangling, and the OP has made a dignified "final" post explaining how she felt and thanking most of the posters on this thread.

Butchyrestingface · 24/08/2019 09:44

I would have shouted "it'll be your funeral soon if you don't shut your fat cakehole". But I'm not the most sensitive of souls.

Lol. Might have added a bit of levity to proceeding but hardly appropriate. Grin

Ponoka7 · 24/08/2019 09:52

"I would have shouted "it'll be your funeral soon if you don't shut your fat cakehole". But I'm not the most sensitive of souls."

That's a sure fired way to get your head kicked in and it would be well deserved.

Butchyrestingface · 24/08/2019 10:01

That's a sure fired way to get your head kicked in and it would be well deserved.

That, and the subsequent arrest, would have held the procession up into next week.

ReanimatedSGB · 24/08/2019 10:07

Most crems in big cities run funerals all day, every weekday, though. If everyone was going to have these great long processions, the impact on traffic would be absolutely appalling. At every funeral I have been to (and yes, that's quite a lot) most people make their way there independently: the cortege is the hearse and one, maybe two or three, cars, which is enough.

ReTooth · 24/08/2019 10:23

I've been driving for 35 years (and around for 58 ), mostly living in urban places (majority of time in Glasgow but also Welwyn Garden City but driving into London regularly* and Bolton) and used to travel a lot for work.
I have come across a funeral cortège maybe 5 times over that long*  period, so they are not that common in the UK.

We have a a big cemetery in our town off the Main Street. I'd guess I see funeral cortège at least once every week and get caught behind one once a month or more. They aren't unusual if you live within a few miles of a cemetery.

Some go a lot, lot slower than others and some travel at very slow speeds from neighbouring towns - they cause a huge queue of traffic through the country lanes. I certainly wouldn't want anyone doing that for me at my funeral (not that I'm having one)