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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Just been shouted out by funeral party...

717 replies

Pinklady1982 · 23/08/2019 13:05

Aibu to be feeling really upset by this? I was just driving along and a funeral car pulled out slowly from a turning. They had about 10 cars behind it which were possibly all part of the party, so I slowed down and let a load of cars through. Now this was a residential road and I could see some other cars had joined the back of the queue. I started easing forward a bit as if I kept waiting there letting all the cars out I would be there ages and needed to get home, also I wasn't to know if they were all part of the funeral. I had right of way as they were in a side turning, but sat there patiently for a while. Well this lady then rolls down her window and starts shouting at me! Saying they are part of the funeral party and could I not see that. I explained that I had let about 10 cars go and wasn't to know who was part of the party and who wasn't. She just shouted at me to get out of the way very loudly and rudely and pulled out. I just put my window up and pulled over as I felt a bit shaken. I'm feeling a bit vulnerable anyway at the moment and I hate confrontation. I know that at these times emotions will be heightened, but was I really in the wrong here? They were going to then be pulling out onto a main road where I'm sure they would be seperated by other cars, so you can't all expect to stay together surely?

OP posts:
Beesandcheese · 23/08/2019 17:29

She wasn't in a great frame of mind as if you're a few cars back at funerals you know you're just making you're own way there really. YWNBU

Ginnymweasley · 23/08/2019 17:31

Or maybe people like the OP have places to be, or like a previous posters mum an important medical appointment to get to. How many cars should a person let out of a side street just in case? 20? You may think that you are somehow a better person because you can apparently spot someone attending a funeral at 50 paces but in reality it is not that simple as many people have pointed out to you.

WillLokireturn · 23/08/2019 17:33

I have seen some shocking PPs comments on here and worry that some people really don't care about others. Nor are willing to put themselves out even for a few minutes for what might the worst time in people's lives.

WillLokireturn · 23/08/2019 17:34

OP hasn't. She has been thoughtful and kind. But some really unkind PPs on this thread.

WillLokireturn · 23/08/2019 17:37

@Ginnymweasley. See my point above. Outed yourself. Hope your important routine life stuff doesn't ever ever have to make you think about what has been discussed. 🥺

PrimalLass · 23/08/2019 17:37

@PrimalLass No, some cars do. Mostly a minority as standard. Well not here in UK where I live

Mine are 2011 and 2012. Basic models. Two different manufacturers. Both have lights on as standard. I had not a clue that lights on was a funeral rule so it wouldn't matter if the lights were on or off anyway.

ptumbi · 23/08/2019 17:38

Although, there's general a police escort - hahahaha Hmm

We have 2 funeral directors shops in our small town, and the Crem is in the next small town. There are numerous funerals a day sometimes. You really think the Police get time to attend and Traffic-Manage all of them?

Apparently the Police also stop the traffic for this? We live next to the 2nd busiest airport in the UK - I wonder how that would work? Hmm

I have also never ever seen flags on a funeral car - except for State or Royal funerals.
When I was young and lived in a tiny village, yes we would stop if a funeral car went past - I think probably once or twice a year? Nowadays it's once or twice a day. I am sorry for those who've lost someone, but my life goes on. And if you can't tell who is in the funeral cortege, who's got time to stop for the rest of the world to drive out of a side turning?

Ginnymweasley · 23/08/2019 17:40

Routine life stuff like getting to work,picking a child up from school,drs appointments? Etc 10 cars the op let out. 10!! I have lost many people in my life but the world can not stop turning.
My grandad said before he died, just put me in a hole in the ground. I dont want fuss or bother. And I kinda get why. We didn't grieve him any less cause we didn't all follow a hearse in a procession.
The op did nothing wrong but you have decided that anyone who does not act as saintly as you is callous. Which is just not true

CalishataFolkart · 23/08/2019 17:41

@WillLokireturn

I’m not being petty or pedantic. I do not want to disrupt a funeral procession. I do not mind letting a vehicle that is not part of the funeral procession through. I do not think my need to get somewhere trumps anyone’s grief. I bow my head when a funeral cortège passes.

I try to be respectful which is why I am asking how, in this specific instance with these specific indicators, I could have avoided the mistake the OP made. If the answer is that you don’t know, that’s fine. I’m only asking because you have suggested that you would have known.

If it’s down to a feeling, sensing the passenger’s desperation or being able to tell the difference between a slow moving car in slow moving traffic and one that is actively following, that’s also fine.

It just seemed unfair to say the OP should have acted differently given the way this car presented.

WillLokireturn · 23/08/2019 17:41

A funeral procession will give way to an ambulance nor paramedic, Fire engine, police car. On my important medical appointments or those of my DC, I leave early not trusting traffic and if I'm 5-10 mins later in my journey due to a funeral procession, hey ho because worst hasn't happened.

pottedshrimps · 23/08/2019 17:44

Perhaps she was one of these grief hangers on who enjoy making a death all about them as they get to feel important for a little while.

Many cars have lights which automatically come on when the engine starts and some people drive with headlights on at all times in order to be seen whilst driving.

The roads are a busy public space and all drivers have to make the best of it without acting in an aggressive entitled manner.

Ginnymweasley · 23/08/2019 17:47

What about my example where I left an hour early and was still late or the previous posters mum who missed her train to get chemo? In a previous job if I was 10 mins late to work I would have had a verbal warning. Life isn't black or white. A person going to a job interview relying on crappy public transport couldn't afford to be 10 mins late. And in this case the OP tried her hardest but you still seem to think people should just know which cars are with the funeral. And if they make a mistake or dont notice they are just not as observant as you. But you haven't observed that most modern cars have daytime running lights.

WillLokireturn · 23/08/2019 17:47

@CalishataFolkart
Of course
RTFT and you will see you are misquoting me.

I've said this repeatedly to you so am really unclear why you haven't !

OP and I have tagged each other in when we've said she was sad she had missed it. And I said don't worry just move on and she said it was useful to hear some tips.

Maybe leave me out if it now? If you want to argue little minor points that are no longer relevant to OP, please find someone else to tag in . I've wise I'm hat I've said, it's bee respectful to both sides and I'm now trying to set a tent up with my DC.

SaraNade · 23/08/2019 17:48

WillLokireturn Did you ever stop to think that to people like myself, you appear to be lacking in care for others that have medical emergencies and/or need to get somewhere in a hurry, sometimes life/death situation? You attempt to hold the high road yet you seem to have no consideration for others, and seem self-absorbed in your own Grand Parade, forgetting that people have serious urgent places they have to be. As important as the death of a loved one is - and my father passed recently, so I know - the general public do not revolve around them or you and your need for a big parade and attention. Maybe consider other people other than yourself, and yes, I am glad we are not in the same circles, I myself don't associate with self-indulgent/selfish people who don't have consideration for other road users. It is an altruism that funerals are for the living, not the deceased. The blatant and narcissistic lack of consideration by some of the self-indulgent on here prove that truism, that it is mostly about them, themselves. Not the deceased.

JanewaysBun · 23/08/2019 17:48

I live in london, everyone either has driving lights or drives with their lights on. Im devon curently, blazing hot sunshine, all the cars ive seen have their side lights on at least (and it's blazing sunny!!)

The pink top indicates nothing. Flags would be helpful.

MulticolourMophead · 23/08/2019 17:49

Where I live, part of my commute includes one of the busiest stretches of the M1.

A high proportion of cars have running lights, me included. I've never heard of using headlights to indicate being part of the procession. I've never seen banners used on cars in funeral processions and at the age of 50 I've been to a number now. More and more funerals are specifying no black clothes.

The indicators that some people are referring to aren't universal, so can't be relied on.

WillLokireturn · 23/08/2019 17:49

@Ginnymweasley
Ditto
See above posts.

Whilst you might have a point you really want to argue with other PPs , I think you have missed the whole point if thread and bugger picture. But you do you.

LondonJax · 23/08/2019 17:50

I've not read all the way through this (sorry) so I'm not sure if I'm saying something that has already been said.

Years ago it used to be fashionable to put black ribbons on a car for a funeral (like putting white ribbons on a car for a wedding). Just attach the point of the V of the ribbon to the front of the bonnet and the wider part in the front doors.

That way everyone knows you're part of the funeral procession, they give way and you show your respect in your normal family car.

It may be time to return to those sort of practices as it helps people like the OP (who did nothing wrong - just how long do you wait for cars to join the end of the line turning out of a turning?).

SaraNade · 23/08/2019 17:53

Where I am, light-coloured cars are recommended to have their lights on all day for maximum visibility. I imagine in the UK or at least England where it is often grey/overcast/rainy/foggy that may be a recommendation, too.

WillLokireturn · 23/08/2019 17:54

*Of thread
And *bigger picture
🤐🤐

WillLokireturn · 23/08/2019 17:56

@MulticolourMophead
We all accept motorways are slightly different!! 🙄
Just leave funeral procession in the left hand lane and drive in by fgs!

PinkSparklyPussyCat · 23/08/2019 18:02

I don't know where you live WillLokireturn but daytime running lights are mandatory on UK for cars built from 2011

Twillow · 23/08/2019 18:04

I am rather shocked by so many people's comments. Why would you not have the courtesy to let a cortege out?? And if you mistakenly blocked part of the cortege, why wouldn't your instinct be to immediately apologise and wave them through?
Have some respect, people.
YABU to get upset over being put straight by the woman.

elfonshelf · 23/08/2019 18:08

Utterly ridiculous - what if the OP had been a GP on an urgent visit to a patient, or a midwife attending a home birth, or any number of other things that are frankly far, far more important than the person in car number 11 not being directly behind car number 10 at a funeral.

OP you did absolutely nothing wrong - the woman that shouted is the one with the problem.

PrimalLass · 23/08/2019 18:08

if you mistakenly blocked part of the cortege, why wouldn't your instinct be to immediately apologise and wave them through?

Depends if they swore out the window at me or not.