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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

SC want to come on our honeymoon

133 replies

HoneymoonConfusion · 23/08/2019 11:20

Firstly, I really do have a good relationship with my SC. And with all the drama going on surrounding a certain thread at the moment I'll mention that they are coming to our wedding and have been included in the whole process (like they are with everything).

We get married in a few months and are planning a honeymoon for next year. Older SC asked us if we were going anywhere and H told them what we had planned. Younger SC is now saying they want to come with us. H has said it's for grown ups really but we will do something together. They seem upset about this.

Are we being unreasonable saying no? We will take them somewhere as well but I would enjoy a honeymoon just me and H. I do know some families who have taken children on theirs.

Fwiw, it will not affect their mum in terms of childcare. Hs parents have said they will take them away for our days to Wales/ somewhere similar and they enjoy seeing their grandparents.

Will this pass do you think? I feel a bit awful!

OP posts:
Original poster
HoneymoonConfusion · 23/08/2019 12:39

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3178898-DH-embarrassed-by-my-sensitivity

OP posts:
hsegfiugseskufh · 23/08/2019 12:43

but icecream its still a honeymoon, the kids are still going to get a holiday.. whats wrong with wanting to spend time alone as a couple?

NameChange92 · 23/08/2019 12:50

I've just re-read the original sistine chapel post. It doesn't get old!

I don't know the maui one though. Can someone post a link?

But no, op, yanbu to say no.

DishingOutDone · 23/08/2019 12:50

Aw that Sistine chapel thread is a corker. Sadly I am meant to be working so I can only have a little dip. In order to satisfy the (very few) posters who think YABU, I'd book the honeymoon to the Sistine Chapel and make the kids go.

Or are those posters suggesting that OP has her honeymoon at Alton Towers so as to make the kids happy?

userxx · 23/08/2019 12:54

No bloody way.

bridgetreilly · 23/08/2019 12:59

It's okay for children to be upset sometimes and realise they can't always have everything they want. It's perfectly reasonable to have a honeymoon without them, and then a separate family holiday for everyone.

euro23451277 · 23/08/2019 13:01

@HoneymoonConfusion we had two honeymoons. Our first straight after we got married (a few days after) we took DSS with us. He was 10 at the time, we went to a child friendly hotel in Spain all inclusive. It’s was lovely, we had always had every holiday with him so it wouldn’t have felt right not taking him.
Later in the year (about 4 months after we got married) we went to America for 10 days, without DSS. It was also perfect and the type of holiday he would have been bored with. It worked for us, maybe consider something similar?

Drabarni · 23/08/2019 13:03

YANBU, those with their own kids don't take them on honeymoon.
Honeymoons are for married people without kids as traditionally you didn't have kids out of wedlock, it was to consummate the marriage coz your a virgin

ThatCurlyGirl · 23/08/2019 13:05

I'm so jealous of people reading the Sistine Chapel thread for the first time. Sod it, can't hurt to read it again and again and again... that's my afternoon gone...

It's like the feeling I get seeing people with the first Harry Potter book and imagining they've still got all of it to discover, the lucky bastards Smile

Witchinaditch · 23/08/2019 13:09

No way! It makes no difference if it’s step kids or your biological kids honeymoon is not for them and you shouldn’t feel guilty about that. Go and enjoy it and don’t listen to anyone who says go on a family holiday!

ElizaPancakes · 23/08/2019 13:13

I’m a step mum and a mum. Our children nor DSS came on our honeymoon. Hadn’t even considered they would come, it’s not a honeymoon then is it?

ohhellnaw · 23/08/2019 13:21

Honeymoon is purely for the newlyweds. My DD certainly isn't coming on mine. The 7 year old will probably realise in a few years time why you said no and be thankful you did 😂.

Frankola · 23/08/2019 13:23

Its your honeymoon. You absolutely deserve to go alone. You're including the sc in the wedding and have promised another holiday so I see no issue at all.

Some people will say "would you do this if they were your biological children" and act like its evil stepmum syndrome but I can assure you if you were a nuclear family asking the same question those same people would encourage you to go on the adult only honeymoon. So don't sweat it.

Enjoy!!

Flower64 · 23/08/2019 13:24

We had a private break away followed by a family trip with our kids. Nothing wrong at all with taking a honeymoon without the kids

Ginger1982 · 23/08/2019 13:26

YANBU but I can see how the delay between the wedding and the honeymoon could be confusing for a 7 year old.

MrsGrindah · 23/08/2019 13:28

This is one of those times when it’s not about you as parents but as a couple. You do exactly what you want to do. The younger child will get over it.

MrsGrindah · 23/08/2019 13:32

Not the same OP but I once had a massive fallout with my now MIL because I’d organised a party in a bar that wouldn’t allow children so my then BFs kids wouldn’t come. She wasn’t interested in the fact that it was
A) a party for adults
B) in the place he’d specifically requested
C) starting at 7.30 so too late for them anyway!
But she just saw it as the children missing out on a party.
They have survived and still speak to me!

NoCauseRebel · 23/08/2019 13:39

Is it possible that she’s upset because you’ve referred to it as your honeymoon, whereas in the past when you’ve been away without them you’ve just talked about going away? Iyswim?

If you’ve previously been away without them and that’s never caused them any upset I would change tack and say that it’s just a holiday you two are going on, you know? Like when we went to x and you stayed with mummy/granny?”

Given you’ve made the specific effort to include them in the wedding it might come across to her that the honeymoon is just another part of the wedding that she’s being told she can’t be included in even though she was a part of the rest.

Taking/not taking children on holidays is a personal preference and does tend to divide opinion anyway. But as you have previously gone away without them I would change the word honeymoon to holiday or whatever explanation you used to talk about previous times when you’ve gone away without them.

Antonin · 23/08/2019 13:41

William Wordsworth and his bride took his sister on honeymoon with them. Remember how our English class felt how strange that was, even back in the black and white days.
Don’t overthink this just announce this is an unbreakable rule

BrendasUmbrella · 23/08/2019 13:51

My kids would be gutted if we went away on an exciting holiday and left them behind.

Yes, but in this case it'snot the family friendly version of "exciting" Grin

Not that a honeymoon has to be nonstop bonking, but it does tend to be on the agenda, and is more easily accomplished without having to micromanage children.

Thatnovembernight · 23/08/2019 13:52

Yep, honeymoon is just for the married couple (unless the couple really want to include the kids or have to for other reasons). When kids are included on a holiday it’s a totally different experience.

HollowTalk · 23/08/2019 14:00

I think that if you go on honeymoon immediately after the wedding, then it's reasonable to leave the kids behind, but if the holiday is almost a year later, then it's not really a honeymoon.

Belfield · 23/08/2019 14:01

I think honeymoons are for couples only tbh. I know some people bring children but there will be so many holidays with children and there is only one celebration of marriage holidays (well you could have many more I suppose).

venusandmars · 23/08/2019 14:01

I think you YABU (a little bit).

It's not really a 'honeymoon' - not time for the bride and groom to get to know each other (!) or relax after the stress of a wedding, or to spend some special time together after making a lifelong and legal commitment. It is an exotic / exciting holiday (presumably), one that you are talking about, and one which your dc/dsc are not invited on. It's not surprising that they feel a bit excluded.

No matter how happy the dc are and how excited they are about the wedding, something like this can also be a bit unsettling - lots of decisions, the occasional bit of angst, change in routine - and some children do worry internally about whether the marriage will make a difference [what if Dad loves them less, what if it doesn't last and there's another divorce].. All of that might be contributing to their reactions.

Plus I don't think you can adequately describe to young dc what a 'honeymoon' is. They don't know about sex, intimacy, privacy. It needs to be described in ways that they can understand, how you are tired after organising a big party and need to rest... otherwise they may feel that marriage has changed things and that they are not included in your life in the same way as before.

My dc were used to coming on some holidays with me and dh2, and to not coming on others. When they were little they didn't really know the difference between a week in the Lake District and a week trekking in Vietnam, but as they got older they did, and they wanted to come on the interesting holidays with us, but not so fussed about a long weekend in the Highlands!

Why don't you have a couple of days holiday after your wedding - just the two of you - and describe that as your honeymoon, your private time together. Then decide as a family what holidays you have next year - some which will include the dc, and some when they might have time with grandparents while you do something that they wouldn't enjoy (like visiting old churches or kissing Wink)

LemonPrism · 23/08/2019 19:33

Honeymoons are for doing adult things and getting saucy. I went on my dads honeymoon but he took the extended family and they got married over there on the second day and we were all adults so they could go off and do as they wished.