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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I think I might be Unreasonable.

110 replies

OpenYourEyes · 23/08/2019 01:00

Dp and I are off work renovating a house to move into together. He has been staying at mine for the past month or so until we move.

Each night after working on the house I have gone home and started dinner and he has called into the pub for a pint. He is far more sociable than I am and I have two teens at home so don't want to prolong being out of the house.

Tonight he said he was going for a pint at 4.30. 7pm he text again saying he woukd be home shortly. Then finally rocked up at 10 30

I am really annoyed with him, I think it is rude when you are living with someone to not let them know you are going out for the evening and won't be home for dinner as usual.

But the more I think about it, the more I think I am being Unreasonable and controlling. He is an adult and doesn't have to report on to me.

But I wouldn't dream of going out for the evening without letting him know when he could roughly expect me home. It's just courteous.

So please help me decide once and for all, am I being Unreasonable to expect to know if he is home for dinner or not?

YABU - he is a grown up and can do as he pleases.

YANBU - It is respectful to share breifly if you will be home or not.

OP posts:
Winterlife · 23/08/2019 01:04

Is he coming home drunk? How often does this occur?

CutsAndSnoozes · 23/08/2019 01:06

Would piss me off so end. I'd love my OH to go out because he never does. But just disappearing spontaneously, little to no contact to let me know what's happening, no.

Original poster
OpenYourEyes · 23/08/2019 01:07

He usually had one drink and comes back. There have been other times that he has ended up going out and making a night of it but when we were living separately it didn't seem like it was my business as long as he wasn't dropping out plans to do it.

OP posts:
Purpleartichoke · 23/08/2019 01:09

Adults who live together need to share when they will be late.

Partners, need to at least share arrival expectations and some plan information.

Bodear · 23/08/2019 01:11

It’s a tricky one. I wouldn’t like it if my DH did it but I wouldn’t try to stop him. I would let it inform how I felt about him though and if there were too many things that I didn’t like then he wouldn’t be the man for me.
In other words you can’t/ shouldn’t control him, you can only be responsibly for your reaction to him.

Passthecherrycoke · 23/08/2019 01:13

It’s only once. It probably just slipped his mind

BuggersMuddle · 23/08/2019 01:17

Rocking up to the pub every night would set alarm bells ringing for me OP, especially is he's already shown he's not coming back after one when he said he would. It sounds like the sort of thing where it could (not saying it will) be easier and easier for him to make one two, come back later etc.

Among my friends groups a weekly meet-up might be normal or Weds / Fri drink with colleagues. Or even a general pub where certain groups hang out & people might meet or not depending on when they attend. Daily pub-going without plans seems a bit odd tbh.

Original poster
OpenYourEyes · 23/08/2019 01:19

I thought it was a bit much to be honest but we have been working so hard and his well deserved pint one night has become every night and I am wondering if this is how life is.

I don't really go to pubs so I dobt know the culture.

OP posts:
Seren85 · 23/08/2019 01:32

I don't give a toss if DH goes to the pub generally. I definitely expect a text if he'd run into someone and was making a night of it and didn't want dinner. I wouldn't mind if he didn't want dinner, it'll freeze. If we'd planned a night together and he didn't come home I'd be angry. We don't have kids though so easy for us both to do what we want on a whim.

Winterlife · 23/08/2019 01:45

If he’s going every night OP, that’s an issue. Your life will not be calm.

HoomanMoomin · 23/08/2019 01:56

I wouldn’t move in together with someone who goes out every night.

Original poster
OpenYourEyes · 23/08/2019 02:24

I dont think he usually goes out every night, more that he is taking advantage of being off work at the moment.

He does go out a lot more regularly than I do but then I am not particularly sociable and I have children to think of. I think typically it woukd be at least once a week or at a push once a fortnight for a proper night out kind of session and then maybe a quick pint after work on a Friday kind of thing..

He has had no responsibilitied and can come and go as he pleases.

OP posts:
whereisthebloodylunchbox · 23/08/2019 02:47

I guess it depends if you want to live with someone who spends every night at the pub. And whether you want your kids witness to this. I wouldn't.

Alicewond · 23/08/2019 02:51

I think you need to have an honest chat to him about expectations in your relationship. Until you do you’ll both think you’ve done nothing wrong

Nautiloid · 23/08/2019 07:19

I think you need to be prepared for the fact that he is showing you how he will behave when you move in together.

Angrybird123 · 23/08/2019 07:49

I don't think it's controlling to want to know if he's coming back for dinner. If he's lived alone prior to this he might just need to be prompted that what he does now affects other people. You aren't saying he can't go, or putting any limits on, you're not asking him to ask permission, just to be considerate.

Clangus00 · 23/08/2019 07:51

Does he need to have a drink every night?

HaudYerWheeshtYaWeeBellend · 23/08/2019 07:54

He’s on holiday and on refurbishing a house, due to this I wouldn’t see it as a big deal, as he’s on holiday, however he does need to communicate with you more.

SignedUpJust4This · 23/08/2019 08:03

It's rude for him to not let you know or not invite you out too once in a while.

starfish2385 · 23/08/2019 08:25

So you've both been working hard on the house and at the end of the day he gets a 'well deserved' pint at the pub every night and you get to go home and make his dinner which he may or may not turn up to eat with you.

Op your expectations are incredibly low here. There is no way I would want this or that I would want my children to see me treated this way.

itwasalovelydreamwhileitlasted · 23/08/2019 08:29

Going to be brutally honest here.....

You're both grown ups - the usual cat calls from MN about leaving the bastard are hilarious!

If you don't want to go home and make dinner for you both then COMMUNICATE that rather than stropping about like an hormonal teenager. Yes you are behaving rather controlling - he shouldn't have to tell you the time he ll be home to the exact minute. You're both under pressure it would seem with the house works - let it go this time

Original poster
OpenYourEyes · 23/08/2019 08:54

Seems I am Unreasonable and not Unreasonable at the same time. Just like I thought Confused.

I don't mind making dinner though, I just don't like cooking for someone who then doesn't show up without letting me know.

OP posts:
Original poster
OpenYourEyes · 23/08/2019 08:56

Actually just seen the vote, seems I and NBU. By an overwhelming majority.

The drinking does worry me but I have never seen him drink to this extent before so I don't think it is his usual behaviour for every night.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 23/08/2019 08:56

I wouldn't throw my lot in with someone who spent so much time in the pub

FredaFrogspawn · 23/08/2019 08:59

Are they your teenagers? If they are his - very unreasonable. If they’re yours then just stop cooking for him. I have to admit I would find this disappearing act tiresome too.