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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I think I might be Unreasonable.

110 replies

OpenYourEyes · 23/08/2019 01:00

Dp and I are off work renovating a house to move into together. He has been staying at mine for the past month or so until we move.

Each night after working on the house I have gone home and started dinner and he has called into the pub for a pint. He is far more sociable than I am and I have two teens at home so don't want to prolong being out of the house.

Tonight he said he was going for a pint at 4.30. 7pm he text again saying he woukd be home shortly. Then finally rocked up at 10 30

I am really annoyed with him, I think it is rude when you are living with someone to not let them know you are going out for the evening and won't be home for dinner as usual.

But the more I think about it, the more I think I am being Unreasonable and controlling. He is an adult and doesn't have to report on to me.

But I wouldn't dream of going out for the evening without letting him know when he could roughly expect me home. It's just courteous.

So please help me decide once and for all, am I being Unreasonable to expect to know if he is home for dinner or not?

YABU - he is a grown up and can do as he pleases.

YANBU - It is respectful to share breifly if you will be home or not.

OP posts:
RightYesButNo · 23/08/2019 18:31

I agree with @Hotbiscuits and @AnyFucker. This bloke is absolutely ridiculous; acts about 20. Is he?

This concerns me, too: He is far more sociable than I am and I have two teens at home so don't want to prolong being out of the house.

He’s supposed to be your partner and you’re moving in together in a month, yet you keep saying that it’s only you who needs to be home for the teens, cook dinner, etc. So if he takes no responsibility for the teens or dinner whatsoever, he’s not part of a family and he’s not really your partner; he sounds maybe just a boyfriend at best. And based on your messages here so far (especially your latest), not a very good one.

MerryDeath · 23/08/2019 18:34

for me any kind of 'accidental' loss of control when drinking are aaaaabsolute red flags. this is how my dp was when i first met him. he played it down, always quick to apologise and give reassurances.. anyway over the years it's become very clear just how severe the extent of his alcoholism is. if he hadn't spent all that time making excuses (and lying both to himself and to me) we wouldn't be where we are now - id hopefully be in a relationship with someone who caused me a lot less anguish and he'd probably be floating around offshore so drunk he can't feel his face which is probably where he ought to be!

AryaStarkWolf · 23/08/2019 18:36

Ugh the updates, maybe you should be reconsidering moving in with the guy, will be harder to get out of it once he doesn't have his own place, I mean this is a taster of your future

HypatiaCade · 23/08/2019 18:43

Hmm, so he threw a tantrum when you brought it up. You shouldn't be moving in with him. Or more to the point, you shouldn't let him move in with you.

Apileofballyhoo · 23/08/2019 18:43

No the house is mine

And we all breathe a collective sigh of relief.

Openyoureyes indeed, OP.

MrsGarethSouthgate · 23/08/2019 18:48

The issue wasn't, at that stage, that he was out at the pub, it was that he wasn't well-mannered enough to let the person whose house he was staying at and who was cooking his dinner know when he would be back.

There seem to be bigger problems now. And not of your making.

Original poster
OpenYourEyes · 23/08/2019 20:45

Thanks for all the support everyone. I had been having doubts about moving in together anyway and as has been pointed out, it is harder to go back a step once we have taken it.

I haven't heard from him since he collected his tools but to be honest I am more relieved than upset.

I have managed to pay for a spare pair of hands elsewhere to help with the last bits of work in the house so no great loss. Just hope this guy isn't a total cowboy!

OP posts:
MerryDeath · 23/08/2019 20:58

wow just saw your later posts. he sounds A LOT like my DP and i'm very relieved to hear it's your house. i wouldn't be inviting him back if it were me.

Original poster
OpenYourEyes · 23/08/2019 21:24

Sorry you have had to deal with someone like him @Merrydeath, there have been other issues in the past and its always been explained away as him being used to doing as he pleases as he has no responsibilities. Well that's not the kind of person I want to be with.

Just incompatible on a basic level it seems.

OP posts:
Bodear · 25/08/2019 00:12

I’m sorry OP. Are you ok?

Original poster
OpenYourEyes · 25/08/2019 00:23

Thanks for thinking of me. I am fine, nit really had chance to dwell on it, been so busy up at the house. Need to get the painting done before the carpets are laid.
He sent a love heart earlier but I was busy and covered in paint so couldn't answer even it I wanted.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 25/08/2019 08:14

"Sent a love heart" what does that mean ?

AmIThough · 25/08/2019 09:11

@AnyFucker ❤️

sackrifice · 25/08/2019 09:21

Send back 'who is this?'

Original poster
OpenYourEyes · 25/08/2019 10:16

Oh sorry sent a text with a love heart on it. ❤️

I had a lie in this morning and boy it was glorious!! Going to get up and head up to the house soon.

I have paid someone to decorate the front room so that is one less job to do.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 25/08/2019 11:59

And was the ❤ meant to make everything ok ?

I am quite dumbfounded at the cheek if the man.

LaBelleSauvage · 25/08/2019 13:34

Congraulations on what will be a lovely new house OP!

I'm sure you will meet someone who is more of a grown up to share it with. Well done on not putting up with his nonsense.

Original poster
OpenYourEyes · 25/08/2019 15:09

We just spoke, I was angry with him he had gone to an event we were supposed to go to together. Obviously I can't go due to being behind schedule on the house. It seems so unfair!

He said. I am not perfect but I am me, I can't help it if you don't like it.

So that's that. He didn't even try to convince me he would be more respecful going forward. Just that's how it is accept it or not.

His drinking has caused problems between us before so I know I have to stand by my guns. I am just sad though. I kniw its a lucky escape but last week we had a future and now I am just doing it solo.

He is merrily sat in the beer garden enjoying the sun and I am stuck here working by myself. How is that even fair.

OP posts:
SilverySurfer · 25/08/2019 15:18

Well he thinks you're a pushover if he thinks a love heart will fix it. I wouldn't be moving him into my house and your last post pretty much says it all, he doesn't give a fuck.

Original poster
OpenYourEyes · 25/08/2019 15:20

He really doesn't does he. I feel an idiot and sad at the same time.

Well small mecy at least the house is mine.

OP posts:
AvengerDanvers95 · 25/08/2019 15:30

He is merrily sat in the beer garden enjoying the sun and I am stuck here working by myself.

You could go sit in a beer garden but you're grafting for your future and will have a lovely home to show for it. He's pissing away his money and his health, having just pissed away a relationship that would have been way more beneficial for him than you.

Original poster
OpenYourEyes · 25/08/2019 15:31

I suppose that is the sensible way to look at it.

I will be ok, allowing myself today for moping, then have to get a grip.

OP posts:
cacklingmags · 25/08/2019 15:54

He should always let you know if he is not home for dinner.
He should not be going out every night - you are partners and would expect to spend some time together.
He might not have lived with a partner before, you should spell out your expectations or you could find yourself living with a very neglectful partner.

AnyFucker · 25/08/2019 18:15

And there you have it. He will always prioritise his time down the pub over shaping a life with you.

Robin2323 · 26/08/2019 07:54

I had 2 like this.
One grew up and isn't bothered anymore , the other is the same - but that's ok because so is his lovely wife.

My son who loves to stay in went out with a nice girl who loved to go out - it didn't work out for them.

Maybe you can reach some middle ground.

Good communication is needed with a calm head.

Good luck x