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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I think I might be Unreasonable.

110 replies

OpenYourEyes · 23/08/2019 01:00

Dp and I are off work renovating a house to move into together. He has been staying at mine for the past month or so until we move.

Each night after working on the house I have gone home and started dinner and he has called into the pub for a pint. He is far more sociable than I am and I have two teens at home so don't want to prolong being out of the house.

Tonight he said he was going for a pint at 4.30. 7pm he text again saying he woukd be home shortly. Then finally rocked up at 10 30

I am really annoyed with him, I think it is rude when you are living with someone to not let them know you are going out for the evening and won't be home for dinner as usual.

But the more I think about it, the more I think I am being Unreasonable and controlling. He is an adult and doesn't have to report on to me.

But I wouldn't dream of going out for the evening without letting him know when he could roughly expect me home. It's just courteous.

So please help me decide once and for all, am I being Unreasonable to expect to know if he is home for dinner or not?

YABU - he is a grown up and can do as he pleases.

YANBU - It is respectful to share breifly if you will be home or not.

OP posts:
NewYellowPencilCase · 23/08/2019 09:58

Having seen FIL (functioning alcoholic) do this for 20 years and MIL having no life and sometimes having to deal with his piss and vomit, when DH started doing it, he was given an ultimatum.

He went to the doctor for a liver function test (they found damage) and he was to cut down or quit drinking. He did.

This IS my business. He lives with me and we share financial and other commitments. I need to know that he is sober and trustworthy.

OP, your partner sounds like a rude drunk. YANBU. Every night? That’s a dependency. He needs to look at his health and you need to look at your relationship.

LemonAddict · 23/08/2019 10:03

This is a taster of what living with this man will be like.

He does his own thing without giving you enough consideration to let you know of his plans.

If you try to talk to him about an issue he storms off.

Do you really want to live with him if this is how it is?

TowelNumber42 · 23/08/2019 10:10

Ah, this is his new life now. He gets all the good bits of being single while off-loading all the bad bits to you. No more housework, no more cooking dinner, no more laundry. Sweet. If you object to being his maid then you are a nag. You have children so you'd be doing it anyway so it's fully reasonable for you to do his too (in both your minds it seems). Easy life.

Tbh, I'm not seeing what's in it for you and the children.

WhyBirdStop · 23/08/2019 10:12

If he usually only goes to the pub once a week, but has been going for under an hour every day since he's been on holiday that's not an issue to me. Personally I'd go with him sometimes even for a soft drink as you both deserve a bit of rest before going home and cracking on with household things. It's school holidays and you have teenagers not young children they're fine and actually could start at least prepping dinner, of they're at home, of not even less reason to rush back. If you want/choose to go home and cook you can't then complain about him not doing the same.
However, I would be annoyed that he just stayed out all evening knowing you'd gone home to make dinner and didn't even call you, it's rude.

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 23/08/2019 10:17

Firstly now everyone has a mobile there is absolutely no excuse for an update

If you are expecting someone at a certain time and they are hours late you start to worry about them. It's the way humans work. Yes it's very unlikely someone has had an accident (though if they are drunk the chances actually increase a lot) but it's not impossible.

Also I think its very very rude to let someone cook a meal for you and not turn up. Some stuff doesnt reheat well and is effectively ruined. It's just bad manners

YouDoYou18 · 23/08/2019 10:27

I get frustrated with my husband if he doesn’t let me know what’s going on... I don’t give a shit what he’s doing, but if you’ve told me you’re popping out and it’s turned into a 5 hour jolly just let me know so I don’t think you’re in a ditch somewhere 🤦‍♀️

yellowallpaper · 23/08/2019 10:34

I do think you need to have a calm chat with him, saying you're happy he is finding it useful to wind down now and them, but please let you know he will be late because you want to lock up/not have teens woken up/not worry about where he is. It is just polite to let you know, but no need to make a big deal of it or get angry. That does look controlling.

Toooldtocareanymore · 23/08/2019 10:44

yanbu

Batqueen · 23/08/2019 12:05

All about communication really. My dp is more sociable than me but all I want to know is whether I have the evening to myself or whether we have it together - either is fine but like you, I don’t want to plan for him to be in if he is going out.

The other day, he came home four hours after messaging me that he was ‘just leaving’ so I found it hard to sleep as I was worried something had happened. Next day he apologised for having worried me (train issues, dead battery). I had no issues with him being out late, he can do what he wants, but I appreciated that he got why I was (a bit) worried.

murasaki · 23/08/2019 12:08

I really don't mind if he goes out, but I do want to know about dinner. There may have been ructions the last time this didn't happen, so now it mostly does, which is all good. He has fun, I crack on with my own evening.

Tbh it's only.really an issue now his current job, which lasts for a couple if months, involves working with a good mate that otherwise he doesn't see so often, so this too shall pass!

murasaki · 23/08/2019 12:09

My revenge on one occasion was to bugger off to the pub quiz without telling him, so he drunkenly stumbled into an empty house. how d'you like them apples.

So now we are all good.

kaldefotter · 23/08/2019 12:11

There’s no way I’d move in with a man like this. You’re getting a glimpse of your future here, OP. It won’t change. Heed the warning signs!

73Sunglasslover · 23/08/2019 12:21

I don't think you're being unreasonable in the least. If you were saying he can't go out, I think you would be but you're just asking him to let you know - not to ask your permission. My OH and I always let each other know when we're going out and when we're back. It's just basic consideration. He may have lost track of time and forgotten and if he's apologetic it's certainly forgivable but it's not a non-issue.

AmIThough · 23/08/2019 12:23

The one pint in the pub isn't an issue, especially if he has friends there.
The not coming home for 3 hours after telling you he was leaving is a big issue.
The storming off after you've told him you're unhappy with 1 thing he has done is pathetic.

YADNBU.

Original poster
OpenYourEyes · 23/08/2019 13:55

Well he has apologised but doesn't think he is actually in the wrong.

As for leaving me flying solo today with no notice. Well he has been here every day. Apparently done the lot single handed.

I knew that would be thrown in my face. He has been off work the whole time where as I only finished work yesterday. So I have been getting up at 6, working till 2 then straight to the house to chip in.

He has been getting up about 10ish and making his way over. Then finishing at 6 maybe 7 and going to the pub while I go home do the house work and cook the dinner. I am so annoyed that he is throwing it aboyt that I haven't pulled my weight!

OP posts:
StCharlotte · 23/08/2019 14:04

Each night after working on the house I have gone home and started dinner and he has called into the pub for a pint.

Oooh it's a bit 1950s!

AryaStarkWolf · 23/08/2019 14:14

YANBU it's just common courtesy, it's not asking permission it's just leaving you know that they will be late, especially if you were expecting him home for dinner, that's just rude if someone has gone to the trouble of cooking for you

AnyFucker · 23/08/2019 14:14

He doesn't sound like a good guy

thecatinthetwat · 23/08/2019 14:47

He stormed off back to his own place last night after I calmly pointed out he wouldn't like it if I behaved that way.

Oh that’s helpful.

. I am so annoyed that he is throwing it aboyt that I haven't pulled my weight!

Oh op, what a twat. If you dare to have a discussion about being more considerate, this is how he responds. Total twat.

FredaFrogspawn · 23/08/2019 15:18

Have you bought this place together op?

Original poster
OpenYourEyes · 23/08/2019 18:04

No the house is mine, he was going to move into it with me.

He has been and collected all his tools and left the keys though. Such drama.

OP posts:
Hotbiscuits · 23/08/2019 18:13

COME ON, OP! You're this close to working out that this guy is not for you. Just take a look at the way he's behaving. Do you actually want another child to look after? Because he's treating you like you're his mother. You sound incompatible on a basic level and you should absolutely cut your losses now before you put yourself and your teenage children through years of this shit (and your relationship with the children will take a massive hit, perhaps permanently).

AnyFucker · 23/08/2019 18:14

Well did I would say.

What will you do when he strolls back in as if nothing has happened ?

AnyFucker · 23/08/2019 18:14

*rid

Abouttimemum · 23/08/2019 18:20

I’d be fine if he text saying actually I’m going to stay out tonight, will be in later on, don’t worry about dinner. Occasionally, not regularly. But I’d be furious if he said he would be home shortly and didn’t turn up for several hours. That’s just common courtesy.

I wouldn’t be happy with him going to the pub every night either, seems a bit excessive.

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