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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I think I might be Unreasonable.

110 replies

OpenYourEyes · 23/08/2019 01:00

Dp and I are off work renovating a house to move into together. He has been staying at mine for the past month or so until we move.

Each night after working on the house I have gone home and started dinner and he has called into the pub for a pint. He is far more sociable than I am and I have two teens at home so don't want to prolong being out of the house.

Tonight he said he was going for a pint at 4.30. 7pm he text again saying he woukd be home shortly. Then finally rocked up at 10 30

I am really annoyed with him, I think it is rude when you are living with someone to not let them know you are going out for the evening and won't be home for dinner as usual.

But the more I think about it, the more I think I am being Unreasonable and controlling. He is an adult and doesn't have to report on to me.

But I wouldn't dream of going out for the evening without letting him know when he could roughly expect me home. It's just courteous.

So please help me decide once and for all, am I being Unreasonable to expect to know if he is home for dinner or not?

YABU - he is a grown up and can do as he pleases.

YANBU - It is respectful to share breifly if you will be home or not.

OP posts:
bridgetreilly · 23/08/2019 09:08

Living together means sharing your lives. That's not controlling, it's partnership. I think it would be controlling if you told him he was never allowed out for a drink, but it is not controlling AT ALL to expect him to let you know whether he'll be home for dinner. And it would be partnership to have a conversation around expectations for amount of evenings spent together each week. If he's out drinking every night, that has a serious impact on your relationship and you're entitled to talk to him about that.

Cantthinkofanythingrightnow · 23/08/2019 09:13

So for the past few weeks has he been drinking every night? Does he drink in the house as well?

I would be really concerned about moving in with this guy... you might end up like Marge Simpson Confused

Cherrysoup · 23/08/2019 09:13

He’s inconsiderate at best, rude at worst and prefers the pub to spending time with you. YANBU.

MuthaFunka61 · 23/08/2019 09:18

It maybe time to sit down for a chat to find out how the land lies.
Ask if he likes to go out every evening and also state that you'd prefer to be informed of what his plans are so that you can make yours,this isn't unreasonable.

Once you have more information you can make a decision as to what you'd like to do next.

Original poster
OpenYourEyes · 23/08/2019 09:20

When it's written down it seems really bad, however when he says it's just one pint after working his backside off on the house, it seems understandable.

He has been having one and coming back, less than and hour most nights.

I am getting pretty worried now actually. Marge Simpson is not my role model.

Yes the teenagers are mine.

OP posts:
SpottedGingham · 23/08/2019 09:24

when he says it's just one pint

It's never just one pint.

Original poster
OpenYourEyes · 23/08/2019 09:27

He makes out like the problem is mine because I am not a sociable person and I only have about 3 actual friends, all of which are bust with their own families and kids so we rarely have chance to see each other.

He has loads of friends and it's pretty much guaranteed that at least one of them would be in one of our local pubs on any given evening. He hates being sat in, I don't want to go and sit in the pub.

OP posts:
Silversky70 · 23/08/2019 09:28

It's really boring and really shit being with a bloke who's attached to the pub. I wouldn't want it. Been there done that. It is definitely never one pint.

AdobeWanKenobi · 23/08/2019 09:28

Ask yourself honestly is there a pattern of behaviour there?
I think you need to sit and have a think about this one OP.

Runkle · 23/08/2019 09:29

You don't sound very well matched...

sackrifice · 23/08/2019 09:30

But I wouldn't dream of going out for the evening without letting him know when he could roughly expect me home.

Why not try that and see how he behaves when you do.

Personally i've been in a relationship with an alcoholic and wouldn't do it again. it isn't nice.

FredaFrogspawn · 23/08/2019 09:30

I think the issue here is partly the responsibility of the children. If he hasn’t got that then he will be used to going out for company in the evening - that kind of pub culture is very laddy still. And it clashes with family culture these days.

Can you sit down at some point together and really talk about it?

NoSauce · 23/08/2019 09:31

All this needs ironing out before you move in together.

Silversky70 · 23/08/2019 09:31

If I could have my time again I wouldn't move in with someone like that. I don't want my life to look like that, and it's horrible being painted as the nag or the bore. Adding kids into the mix makes it more complicated.

BlingLoving · 23/08/2019 09:31

I don't think a pint in the pub after working on the house if you're happy with that is a problem. It is a problem that he didn't bother to communicate with you. He said he was going for a pint with the expectation he'd be home for supper. Then he stayed longer than normal (you say it's normally an hour and this was 2.5 before he even texted) and then he STILL doesn't turn up until 10:30.

That is rude.

If it's a once off, and he apologises for being inconsiderate, I'd let it go. He's used to living alone and not having to inform others of his whereabouts so it might take a while to adjust. And he probably doesn't think of your current house as home. But this is not behaviour that would be acceptable on a regular basis from a partner.

ThatCurlyGirl · 23/08/2019 09:33

Rude of him and I think you're reasonable to be a bit peeved but if he doesn't do it regularly and/or he doesn't do it when you have plans then it's not worth majorly falling out over Smile

Cheeseandwin5 · 23/08/2019 09:33

He goes to the pub has one pint and then comes home, he had one night boozy night and now he is being called an alcoholic and inconsiderate.
I agree with him, that the problem is yours, just because you are not a social person doesn't mean he can not be.
Instead of demanding he gives it up, why don't you join him at the pub- your kids have obviously been able to survive whilst you are both at work so an extra wont kill them.

Original poster
OpenYourEyes · 23/08/2019 09:37

I agree we need a chat. It totally is the culture of going out for company as a previous poster said, he has no responsibilities.

However I don't want to live with someone who is carrying on his single life and treating being part of the family as an option.

Being made out to be a nag is exactly what it is and he genuinely believes in his head that I have issue with him going out. I actually have issue when his behaviour impacts on me.

OP posts:
Silversky70 · 23/08/2019 09:39

He hates being sat in, I don't want to go and sit in the pub

This is the problem. He won't be sat in alone, he has a partner and a family. Being in the pub every night is not conducive to family life.

You need to chat about how you both picture your lives when living together.

I also think they might think it's about being sociable etc. But really it has become about the alcohol. If think about how the kids will view him and if he wants to play happy families.

Original poster
OpenYourEyes · 23/08/2019 09:39

I have never asked him to give it up, I am annoyed that he said one pint, so like every other night I have gone home and cooked dinner.

Had he said, I am making a night of it then I wouldn't have bothered. Its the lack of consideration or respect in just letting me know that he wouldn't be around.

OP posts:
FredaFrogspawn · 23/08/2019 09:41

That’s absolutely right - the lack of consideration is the biggest issue here.

CallmeAngelina · 23/08/2019 09:44

Have you both not been working hard on the house? How come he "deserves" a pint (or four) at the pub, but your "reward" is to go home and cook his dinner? Which he then rudely doesn't turn up for to eat, or even have the manners to tell you so?
Tread carefully here. Slippery slope and you "not minding cooking" is fudging the issue.

Silversky70 · 23/08/2019 09:45

Yeah, but it'll still be the eye roll that he's got to get back because the missus has got the dinner ready. He'll then be popping out for "A pint" after dinner, cos he promised Dave etc etc

Original poster
OpenYourEyes · 23/08/2019 09:54

We have both been working hard. Your not wrong, I only finished work yesterday so have been in work till 2 then on to the house.

Speaking of which I seem to be flying solo today. He stormed off back to his own place last night after I calmly pointed out he wouldn't like it if I behaved that way. So I better get my backside up there!

OP posts:
LambBeefandHedgehog · 23/08/2019 09:58

So you go home and make dinner while he fucks off to the pub. I would having a chat about his expectations.