Ex partner’s wedding

[CathyTre]

My ex got married yesterday (to the OW, just as a matter of fact, I’m very much over it, but was very angry at the time). I do not care that he got remarried. I am also very recently married, and very happy 😃

However... he did not actually invite my eldest son to his wedding. My small children were there and I gather from the fact that they were wearing little suits, page boys. My middle son has told me about being in all the photos, described the day etc.

My eldest son is nearly 19 ( Littles much younger). He would not actually have gone to the wedding as is at a festival.

Last year, my ex bought him nothing fir his 18th and sent no card. He called him to say happy birthday, that’s it.

And now they didn’t invite him to their wedding??

Eldest son is upset but said he would just assume ex wants to cut him off and is just going to have a nice time at festival and nice birthday on Sunday. But he IS upset at not being invited.

I’m really sad on his behalf, and messaged ex to say I thought it was a dick move on his part. AIBU?

My younger children have asked why X (eldest son, their brother) wasn’t at the wedding. I’ve just copped out with that and said “I don’t know. Ask daddy”

That’s not a cop out at all. In fact you should show the kids that you think it’s odd their brother wasn’t invited.

Let their dad explain it. It was a dreadful decision on his part.

Well. I have to see ex on Friday, so will have to be civilised. So disappointed in him, but he’s not going to spoil our weekend; and I’m going to make sure eldest doesn’t see him and ruin HIS weekend!

Your ex is a complete and utter asshole and his bride is clearly still very guilty and paranoid over the illicit way their relationship started. I can’t say I blame her, if she is on here then she will know the quip ‘when a man marries his Mistress he creates a vacancy’.

Your poor ds, does your ds get on with your new dh? Could your dh take him under his wing so to speak? At 19 your dh doesn’t need to be a replacement Dad, but a supportive friendship with your dh might help with your ds’s hurt and anger. It sounds like your ex is the only Dad your ds has ever known, he must be incredibly hurt. Your ex has cut his nose off to spite his face as your two youngest won’t always be little and they will know exactly how their Dad treated both you and their older brother one day in the future.

Unfortunately I would be prepared for your younger dc to become surplus to requirement once the NW/ OW has a baby. Your ex is clearly spineless and will do whatever the OW/ NW demands.

I see now. Yes, if your son is so angry that he may lose control it's better he's elsewhere.

Oh CathyTre 💔

I've RTFT and firstly, all credit to you, you are being calm & definitely not bitter - I wouldn't blame you for a second if you were losing the plot entirely.

I am gobsmacked by the posters who take the view that he's 'only' a SS. Dear God, he raised him as his son, till his teenage years, and there are younger boys!

Your poor son. I think you need to say something to exH. Fairly directly, doesn't have to be aggressive but I think your son needs to see you standing up for him.

My first thoughts were did he not invite him because he knew he was going to the festival, and then when you explained he was a step son I thought it was most likely that they thought it would be uncomfortable for everyone involved to have his ex's kid there, which sounds like it could be somewhat of a factor if they were in a "managing responses" frame of mind.

I do understand that he raised him from being young, but in his defence this alone does not necessarily mean that he would want to maintain the relationship afterwards, in fact (sad as it is) it could mean the opposite. What was their relationship actually like? Was there ever any strain, did he harbour any resentment about the situation? Step parenting can be very hard and the advice from most if you can't cope is almost invariably that you should leave (and that you are a bar person). I'm not excusing his affair but he obviously did want out and this could have been part of why he didn't regard your relationship more highly.
It could well be that, whether he was open about it or not, the pressures of filling the step dad role and niggles about expectations and sacrifices expected of him as a result could be a part of why he wanted out of the relationship, and therefore it does make sense that he would want to distance himself afterwards. He obviously could not get away from the responsibility to your son when he was with you, but he may have wanted to and is now in a position where he can.

It is not impossible that he could have spent all that time with him and not feel close to him. Spending all that time with him might have been a source of resentment for him and the reason he now wants to break away.

Again I'm not saying that to be mean to your son, he's not to blame, but step parenting is a breeding ground for resentment and if you leave and then still can't get away from the constant judgment over treating them the same though you may never have felt the same way about them... well, things like this could end up happening.

You say when they have met up it has just been so he can question your son, which I'm guessing must be how your son described it, so he may have come across as hostile and suspicious of his motives or they just might not have gelled well and your ex was left thinking "he doesn't seem to like me or want a relationship with me, makes sense as he's not my son, less aggro for everyone if I let it go".

Of course this might not be true at all, but given that he hasn't bothered with his birthday either, I'd say it's a very real possibility.

Who knows? Anyway. We have a great weekend planned and ex won’t spoil it - son number one will be ok, I’ll do my best to help him get over it, and he has a very good relationship with my family and his brothers, has loads of good friendships and a lovely girlfriend so I think it’s best just to encourage him not to worry about it all too much.

I suspect this is the OW/new wife’s doing. She probably would like to have your other children removed from his life, but can’t do that.

Can your partner now step into the ex’s role? Your son needs to know it’s not him, it’s OW’s insecurity and ex’s weakness.