Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex partner’s wedding

134 replies

CathyTre · 22/08/2019 16:40

My ex got married yesterday (to the OW, just as a matter of fact, I’m very much over it, but was very angry at the time). I do not care that he got remarried. I am also very recently married, and very happy 😃

However... he did not actually invite my eldest son to his wedding. My small children were there and I gather from the fact that they were wearing little suits, page boys. My middle son has told me about being in all the photos, described the day etc.

My eldest son is nearly 19 ( Littles much younger). He would not actually have gone to the wedding as is at a festival.

Last year, my ex bought him nothing fir his 18th and sent no card. He called him to say happy birthday, that’s it.

And now they didn’t invite him to their wedding??

Eldest son is upset but said he would just assume ex wants to cut him off and is just going to have a nice time at festival and nice birthday on Sunday. But he IS upset at not being invited.

I’m really sad on his behalf, and messaged ex to say I thought it was a dick move on his part. AIBU?

OP posts:
1forAll74 · 22/08/2019 17:35

It seems as though your elder son is on an even keel regarding this wedding, and is having fun at a festival,which is much better than going to any wedding!

Your son might be a little upset about a non invite, but he will not dwell on it I am sure.. Things sometimes don't go the way you think they should,so you just have to forget it really.

kenandbarbie · 22/08/2019 17:37

So the younger brothers that were page boys are his biologically but your eldest isn't?

Still I think he's a dick though.

NoCauseRebel · 22/08/2019 17:39

So, a man moves in with a woman who has a small child. He takes on that child, who has never had a father in his life, and brings him up as his own for sixteen years, and then he walks out of that child’s life and people think that because he’s not the biological father this is perfectly understandable? Really?

If it’s a few months, couple of years then perhaps, but this child’s entire childhood? How bloody depressing that the majority of people on here seem to think that as soon as biology is taken out of the equation a person should be able to just walk away and that anyone who thinks otherwise is unreasonable. Certainly doesn’t sell the idea of bringing a step parent into any child’s life does it?

OP he’s an arse. Does your DS actually call him dad?

Either way, his attitude will likely come back to bite him on the arse when his younger children realise that their older brother has been excluded from his family. Given he brought this child up from very young and the younger DC’s will always have known them all as a family, the fact he’s not biologically related to their older brother just won’t cut it.

As for the new wife’s age, while technically they’re not doing anything wrong, the fact that he married a woman just ten years older than his eldest is pretty grim, esp given he’s likely already in his 50’s. And maybe that’s the issue. He knows eldest is old enough to have an opinion on it, so he’s excluded him because he knows that it’s all a bit grim.

Original poster
CathyTre · 22/08/2019 17:41

I think he was not invited because ex for whatever reason didn’t want me to know about wedding. Which is ridiculous because of course he knew about mine!

Ex is a bit weird with me about his relationship with his wife for maybe obvious reasons, but it’s almost like he is still cagey about her because of how their relationship came about when I am fine with it and we co parent the Littles and he lives with her so obviously I know she bloody well exists and they have a life together!

As I say. I’m just sad because eldest is sad and I just wanted to get ex to try and make it up to him to make son feel better.

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 22/08/2019 17:43

But he's not your ex's child so why would be invite him? You are remarried so your eldest has a new StepDad
This isn't a kid with a succession of different men walking through the door each month. He was his father figure for most of his life, parented him alongside the kids Mum and along with his siblings until he was virtually an adult. Still sees him now he's an adult and is clearly still seen as a father figure. Most people wouldn't just stop caring about the lad because it wasn't his sperm and he's not split from the Mom. He's known DS1 one longer than the kids he contributed a sperm to!

Honestly the secrecy thing is so odd, and sounds like it was planned so that their plans to exclude eldest couldn't be interfered with. There's no reason to have not told you or eldest DS of the wedding plans and presumably DS could then have said yes or no sorry, I've got tickets to a festival and a week of binge drinking with my mates and causal tent hook ups sounds mroe fun.

Original poster
CathyTre · 22/08/2019 17:44

Oh ex is not in his fifties. He’s in his early forties as am I. I guess I’m glad some people see where I’m coming from - I’m not gross for me - I’m upset for eldest son. Who IS upset. Thanks for all responses though - it’s good to see all perspectives.

OP posts:
Original poster
CathyTre · 22/08/2019 17:45

Gross? Bloody autocorrect. Upset!

OP posts:
Original poster
CathyTre · 22/08/2019 17:47

And you’re right pp - he will be having a lot more fun at a certain festival beginning with R! 😂

OP posts:
x2boys · 22/08/2019 17:48

If your son wouldn't have gone to the wedding because of a festival ,it seems there isn't really a father and son bond there anyway? I assume he would have gone to your wedding regardless of whether there was a festival?

beanaseireann · 22/08/2019 17:49

Cathytre
Did the littlies just turn up and were told they were going to a wedding or did they know beforehand ?
Mean behaviour towards your son ( his step son) by your ex.

Original poster
CathyTre · 22/08/2019 17:52

The little ones didn’t know until the morning of the wedding.

OP posts:
Funguy · 22/08/2019 17:52

I guess as he is not the biological father, he has severed those ties. I am sorry he is an arse. I guess this is what his new family will find in good time.

Original poster
CathyTre · 22/08/2019 17:53

My middle son said “daddy said there was a big surprise today”

OP posts:
ReTooth · 22/08/2019 17:55

Are you sure he didn’t get an invite because your ex knew he was going to be at the festival? Perhaps if he knew he couldn’t come then he simply didn’t see the point of sending an invite 🤷🏻‍♀️

SleepingStandingUp · 22/08/2019 17:56

@CathyTre I was gathering R or L

@ReTooth you don't think he'd have mentioned that to his Mom?

Fgsdl · 22/08/2019 17:57

You ex sounds strange. Imagine not telling your children (biological or step) that you were getting married. I assume your younger sons would have been somehow involved in the wedding as page boys or something- would they not have needed outfit fittings and rehearsals.

If your oldest son and him are in contact is it possible that he told asked your son if he was free and he said no (still a twat move on his behalf). Has your ex spoken to him since the wedding, maybe explaining reasons why he wasn't invited (to keep the secret or whatever).

I think your response to your ex is very mature and you don't sound bitter at all.

RandomMess · 22/08/2019 17:58

Is it worth leaving it for a month or so and sending a very carefully worded letter, just stating that DS does see him as his Dad and has been hurt that he doesn't seem to be considered as his son at all such as no birthday card/gift, not invited to the wedding.

I had to do this with my ex (DC much younger though) and appeal to his better nature and point out that biology isn't everything and you had always hoped he would want to continue to be a role model to all his sons (ignoring the affair)

You have nothing to lose?

Original poster
CathyTre · 22/08/2019 17:59

Tbh, I just think it’s ex being a twat and his new wife being really weird as she always is with me. It’s a shame eldest son gets the fall out is all.

Yes, I was upset about their affair. Yes, youngest was a baby when it happened. No, I don’t like the thought of her very much, but have no issues with her as a step parent to my two younger children.

I honestly think she’s very welcome to my ex.

But excluding the eldest like this? I think it’s rubbish.

OP posts:
MrsBertBibby · 22/08/2019 18:01

What an emotionally stunted freak he is. Your poor lad.

BrienneofTarthILoveYou · 22/08/2019 18:04

I agree with you Op and really feel for your DS - it is a dick move!

MyNewBearTotoro · 22/08/2019 18:10

Does your eldest actually call ex Dad or see it as a father-son relationship? You say he probably wouldn’t have gone as he was at a festival which sounds like he doesn’t value your ex particularly highly (I would expect most people to choose a parent’s wedding over a festival). If neither your ex or son view the relationship highly or see themselves as father and son I don’t know why you’re surprised he wasn’t part of the wedding; your ex probably knew your son would choose the festival over the wedding and decided not to invite him rather than face the rejection.

Qcumber · 22/08/2019 18:14

If it makes you feel any better, my own father, who left my mum when I was 19 for the ow, recently married her. I'm now in my mid 20s. Both my siblings were big parts of the wedding party, whereas me and my DC were not invited. It hurt a little bit but I got over it pretty quickly. Your son will be OK :)

Original poster
CathyTre · 22/08/2019 18:15

I think eldest would have gone to wedding over festival if he’d been asked, but as we see. He wasn’t.

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 22/08/2019 18:15

I just think it’s ex being a twat and his new wife being really weird as she always is with me

Yeah, it's called guilt. My cousin's ex married the OW before the ink was dry on the divorce papers and 19 years later the OW's attitude is still 'off' with my cousin. Not rude or anything, but definitely 'off'.

Original poster
CathyTre · 22/08/2019 18:17

Thanks pp - I’m sorry you had the same thing but I’m also sure ds1 will be ok. It’s a shame it makes him think badly of his “dad” though and further ends their relationship.😥

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread