Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex partner’s wedding

134 replies

CathyTre · 22/08/2019 16:40

My ex got married yesterday (to the OW, just as a matter of fact, I’m very much over it, but was very angry at the time). I do not care that he got remarried. I am also very recently married, and very happy 😃

However... he did not actually invite my eldest son to his wedding. My small children were there and I gather from the fact that they were wearing little suits, page boys. My middle son has told me about being in all the photos, described the day etc.

My eldest son is nearly 19 ( Littles much younger). He would not actually have gone to the wedding as is at a festival.

Last year, my ex bought him nothing fir his 18th and sent no card. He called him to say happy birthday, that’s it.

And now they didn’t invite him to their wedding??

Eldest son is upset but said he would just assume ex wants to cut him off and is just going to have a nice time at festival and nice birthday on Sunday. But he IS upset at not being invited.

I’m really sad on his behalf, and messaged ex to say I thought it was a dick move on his part. AIBU?

OP posts:
OliviaCat · 22/08/2019 17:04

I think that whatever we like to think, very often there is not much of a bond between step parents and children. I'm guessing your son hasn't made much effort to still meet up with your ex either. The outcome is very unsurprising.

stucknoue · 22/08/2019 17:07

What has your eldest said to him, it could be he's said he doesn't want anything to do with him, perhaps after the split when he was angry? My dd has told her father that if he dare cheat even though we are separated, and if he doesn't give me whatever I need she will never speak to him again, she's pretty feisty! Kids tend to take the mothers side

Original poster
CathyTre · 22/08/2019 17:08

My son and ex have been in regular contact since the split. And he was in his life as his dad with me until he was 16. All his life almost. And you don’t think my son should be hurt?

OP posts:
Contraceptionismyfriend · 22/08/2019 17:08

@stucknoue JC I hope you put her straight!

Original poster
CathyTre · 22/08/2019 17:09

Maybe I’m wrong. But my husband had a step father who raised him from young and very little contact with his biological father who he only met in his thirties, and it would be unthinkable for him to regard him as anything other than family.

OP posts:
TidyDancer · 22/08/2019 17:10

I don't think you're wrong. I suspect this is thoughtless rather than intentional though. Has he replied to your message?

Contraceptionismyfriend · 22/08/2019 17:10

Did either of you ever look into adoption?
Of course your son is entitled to his feelings but it could be that your Ex was only ever in his life due to your marriage. You and your son came as a package. So to have you he had to accept your son.

GiveMeHope103 · 22/08/2019 17:12

I wonder if he didnt invite him because then he would have to face up to the shitty thing he did by cheating and leaving you. With his own much younger kids they love him anyway. But your ds is an adult and would more likely be on your side so he would have to face up to it more.

Original poster
CathyTre · 22/08/2019 17:12

No he hasn’t. I was not aggressive or anything.

I wrote “X is a bit upset to have not been included in your wedding to Z. I think you maybe should call him. I think this was a rubbish move on your part and he is hurt. PLEASE don’t forget his birthday on Sunday”

OP posts:
pallisers · 22/08/2019 17:12

But he's not your ex's child so why would be invite him? You are remarried so your eldest has a new StepDad.

Because he was a stepdad to him in the same house for more than 10 years? Because his biological sons are this boy's brothers. Because the eldest didn't get the memo that his dad was only his dad while married to his mum and the divorce included him too? What kind of a callous person thinks they can leave a child behind after at least 10 years acting as their parent - not even invite them to their wedding. Would you behave like that? How bloody awful.

Drum2018 · 22/08/2019 17:12

Dick move for sure. Will be interested to see what reason he comes up with if he has the decency to reply to your message.

hedgehoglurker · 22/08/2019 17:12

YANBU. That is a disgusting way to treat your eldest son.

littleduckeggblue · 22/08/2019 17:13

But you've remarried OP. So isn't your new husband the kids StepDad? Your eldest child is an adult now so doesn't really need to maintain a relationship with your ex husband is neither of them want that.

Original poster
CathyTre · 22/08/2019 17:15

But my son DOES want to maintain a relationship! Or did until these latest duck moves! He’s known him all his sentient life!

OP posts:
Original poster
CathyTre · 22/08/2019 17:15

Dick not duck!

OP posts:
Original poster
CathyTre · 22/08/2019 17:18

My husband has two children. Their mother is dead. I am not and never will be their mother, and didn’t meet them until they were 13 and 16 and I would never dream of excluding them from any family event with their father. Like our wedding celebration for example...

OP posts:
Contraceptionismyfriend · 22/08/2019 17:22

But it's all down to personal choice. You can't force feelings for someone if their not there.

fotheringhay · 22/08/2019 17:22

Horrible of him.

I think it's important we remember that men can act like great step dads but there's no guarantee they will stay in our dc's lives if we split up.

Actually I don't know how I'd prepare for that, but anyway it's important to keep in mind, fro your dc's wellbeing

(this happened to me too, as a step daughter)

Original poster
CathyTre · 22/08/2019 17:25

Today my stepdaughter got her gcse results. She did really well! Hurray! I celebrated with her. She talked about how her French mum would have been so proud that her best grade was in french.

My ex, who raised my eldest from tiny... ignored his 18th birthday except for a phone call, and didn’t invite him to his wedding.

I still think it’s rubbish on his part, to be honest.

OP posts:
MerryBerryCheesecake · 22/08/2019 17:29

I might be right off the mark here but...

Could your ex see your son as a threat to his relationship with his new wife. You did say she was close to your son's age. Do you think your ex could be worried she will run off with your son if they are around each other. Some men can be quite irrational when their dicks are involved, so to speak.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 22/08/2019 17:29

I think it's a dick move as he's been a dad to your eldest son most of his life, even if not a biological one. It's hurtful. But it might be because he's not biologically his, and it might be because of the age gap between your eldest and the new wife, and it might be just because he sees him as an adult now and has therefore relinquished all responsibility for him.

Without asking him, you can't know - but there is not GOOD reason he was not invited, only dick ones.

Sorry for your eldest, what a fucker thing to do to him. :(

Original poster
CathyTre · 22/08/2019 17:33

I’m just sad for my son. None of this situation is his fault and he’s a bit hurt.

I expect my ex and his wife will maybe have a baby soon as she has no children and they are now married, so I hope my other children won’t get pushed out too in that case. I don’t THINK they would, but then. I didn’t think ex would do any of this either :(

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 22/08/2019 17:33

He would not actually have gone to the wedding as is at a festival.

Is it at all possible that we wasn't invited because your Ex knew he was going to be at this festival? He should have invited him anyway just to show he cared, but sometimes people are thoughtless.

If he's decided to cut him off at this point after being DS's main father figure, that's a shitty thing to do.

IAskTooManyQuestions · 22/08/2019 17:35

Your son is 19 - surely its up to him to take it up with your Ex - does he actually call him 'dad' or 'name' ?

YouCannotBeeSerious · 22/08/2019 17:35

So your son couldn't of gone anyway as he was at a festival...

Kinda reads like you're going out your way to be offended on his behalf.

It would've been nice to of been invited but it's done now. You can't force something that isn't there. Maybe a blessing in disguise.