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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex partner’s wedding

134 replies

CathyTre · 22/08/2019 16:40

My ex got married yesterday (to the OW, just as a matter of fact, I’m very much over it, but was very angry at the time). I do not care that he got remarried. I am also very recently married, and very happy 😃

However... he did not actually invite my eldest son to his wedding. My small children were there and I gather from the fact that they were wearing little suits, page boys. My middle son has told me about being in all the photos, described the day etc.

My eldest son is nearly 19 ( Littles much younger). He would not actually have gone to the wedding as is at a festival.

Last year, my ex bought him nothing fir his 18th and sent no card. He called him to say happy birthday, that’s it.

And now they didn’t invite him to their wedding??

Eldest son is upset but said he would just assume ex wants to cut him off and is just going to have a nice time at festival and nice birthday on Sunday. But he IS upset at not being invited.

I’m really sad on his behalf, and messaged ex to say I thought it was a dick move on his part. AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
CathyTre · 22/08/2019 22:39

Bloody autocorrect

OP posts:
CloudPop · 22/08/2019 22:46

I think this is awful and very hurtful for your son. No advice but totally understand why you are cross.

Original poster
CathyTre · 22/08/2019 23:45

Good luck to them both, I guess. I’ll continue to fight my kids’ corner...

OP posts:
springydaff · 23/08/2019 00:16

Urgh. At least your boy is getting the full measure of the 'man'.

What a total shit.

Willyoujustbequiet · 23/08/2019 00:41

Cant believe a few of the responses! He brought him up from tiny to 16! His dad by any other name!

A few replies are so very ignorant. Im so glad relationships and children arent so disposable in my family.

Your ex is a total dick Flowers

ReanimatedSGB · 23/08/2019 00:52

Sounds like either your ex or his new wife are the sort of tiresome people to whom step children, adopted children etc are not 'really' family. I'm not surprised your son is upset by this but hopefully it won't hurt for too long.

Walnutwhipster · 23/08/2019 01:16

My brother has been married to his wife for twenty years. Before that he was step father to two girls. He was married to exSIL for around five years. When ex step daughter (it sounds so awful referring to her as such) gets married later this DB will give her away. DB and his wife are family to both of these now women. They are grandparents to their children and on Mother's Day and Father's Day it's DB and SIL who are in their thoughts. DB and SIL have a wonderful family that is more than biology. Your ex is a dick. I suspect you're right that your son was excluded because they didn't want you to know, while ignoring the hurt it would inevitably cause.

AllergicToAverage · 23/08/2019 01:19

@SleepingStandingUp my mum did invite her children (me and my brother). She didn't invite her ex husbands children when she remarried. My mother has been married three times. Second marriage was about 17 years long, this man raised me and my mother raised his children but neither keep a parent type relationship with each other's kids after divorcing. They had a child together, my half sister and anything to do with her we are included in regardless of who plans and organised but things my mum marrying someone's else, or my ex stepdad remarrying, they don't include their exes children and there's no bitterness or hurt feelings.

It sounds confusing because my mum has been married three times and has children from two marriages. And theee step children from one of them.

My biological father has also been married three times and has children from three marriages and a child from a casual relationship as well as step children from two marriages.

My first stepdad has been married three times now too.

None of the ex husband or ex wives have kept a close motherly/fatherly type relationship with me. My Dad is dead now and when he died his wife, whose been in my life for almost 30 years didn't maintain a motherly relationship with me. That wasn't surprising as she hated my mother and I think by extension hated me and only tolerated me because she wanted to be with my father.

Reading it back it sounds fucked up a bit and I realise my family set up is very different to OPs son who experienced multiple divorces from both biological parents.

Valanice1989 · 23/08/2019 12:36

I think you should sit down with the ex and tell him his cheating was the best thing that ever happened to you. It facilitated you finding a man you’re happy with. Tell him his behaviour is abominable and contrary to his ego, you are not angry, you’re not pining for him, you don’t care about his marriage or life with OW, and would appreciate if he treated your children equally.

In what universe would this be a good idea? It'll just make the OP look bitter. And she has no right to tell him she would appreciate it if he treated her children equally. He's not her husband anymore.

Honestly, if a woman posted on here that she had brought her ex-husband's child up from a young age and didn't want to maintain a close relationship now that they were divorced, I doubt posters on here would be calling her a cunt or a scumbag. There seems to be an attitude that stepmothers are doing their partners a favour by helping to look after the stepchildren, yet stepfathers will be more than happy to take on a parenting role and will come to see their stepchildren as their own.

0lga · 23/08/2019 13:01

Honestly, if a woman posted on here that she had brought her ex-husband's child up from a young age and didn't want to maintain a close relationship now that they were divorced, I doubt posters on here would be calling her a cunt or a scumbag

If she said that she had raised a child as her own from the age of 2-16 as the only mother figure and then decided that she wanted little to do with him after the divorce - yes, she would be judged harshly on MN.

Batcrazymum3 · 23/08/2019 13:16

I haven’t read all comments (yet) but you also need to remember that this was this woman’s wedding day as well. It might have been hard enough for her to have a (biological) reminder their on her special day that she has to contend with little people, that she has no involvement in, for her now husbands time, love and affection. Maybe a non-biological reminded was just a push too far.

You said they have been in touch, Ex might have known he was going to the festival and been glad that he could keen new woman happy. As for keeping it a secret, if he knew your oldest couldn't come and he didn't want you to know then of course he wouldn't have told him.

Don't fuss over why he didn't want you to know, it doesn't matter.

I feel bad for your son, but maybe you should encourage him to open up to his father figure and that might help him feel less sad.

Ginger1982 · 23/08/2019 14:26

"I haven’t read all comments (yet) but you also need to remember that this was this woman’s wedding day as well. It might have been hard enough for her to have a (biological) reminder their on her special day that she has to contend with little people, that she has no involvement in, for her now husbands time, love and affection. Maybe a non-biological reminded was just a push too far."

But surely that is just something you have to accept if you marry a man who already has kids? But it says more about him to he honest that he can just disregard a boy he has raised as his own. Given the new wife's young age I'm sure more problems will follow once they start having kids...

0lga · 23/08/2019 16:07

I haven’t read all comments (yet) but you also need to remember that this was this woman’s wedding day as well. It might have been hard enough for her to have a (biological) reminder their on her special day that she has to contend with little people, that she has no involvement in, for her now husbands time, love and affection

Well she obviously managed to forget about them when she was shagging their father when he was married to their mother Hmm

Batcrazymum3 · 23/08/2019 22:42

@0lga we dont know that she knew about the children when this was going on 🤷‍♀️

Batcrazymum3 · 23/08/2019 22:43

Or the wife for that matter. Always so quick to blame the OW when it was the man who took the vows

Original poster
CathyTre · 23/08/2019 22:46

She did know about the children and our family set up, she worked with my ex and they were both senior management at the school my middle son was attending in reception. She was texting him during third son’s christening.

Not that it really matters, water under the bridge now. Just to answer pp.

OP posts:
Honeyroar · 23/08/2019 23:06

I think you're right to be upset, as is your son. Even if your ex HAD known he was going to be at a festival he would have (if he'd had any compassion or love for him) discussed the wedding with him and said he would be welcome if he wanted to come, but not to cancel his festival for it if he wanted to be with his peers.. I wonder if he forgot his 18th because he's one of those useless types that can't seem to remember someone's birthday unless he is prompted or has the card bought for him??

Anyway I think your message was tactful enough (from your title I thought you'd actually told him it was a dick move!). I think it might be time to ease your son away from him - he's not sounding like he's going to peruse a good relationship with your eldest and it might result in more upset if you push it. Disappointing, but true.

Original poster
CathyTre · 28/08/2019 23:11

As it turns out, ex did completely ignore his birthday. Eldest son very angry/sad etc. My wedding celebration is this weekend. Ex is dropping the Littles off and picking them up. Eldest son said “I’ll tell him exactly what I think of the twat if I see him!”

I have told eldest not to react and he won’t have to see him. I’ve got it sorted with other friends picking up the Littles so he won’t have to see him: but, god! How did ex become such a twat??

OP posts:
MrsBertBibby · 28/08/2019 23:14

Oh man, that's beyond shit. Your poor boy.

Original poster
CathyTre · 28/08/2019 23:20

I can’t tell you how pissed off I am with ex. He’s just handled the whole thing so, so badly.

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 28/08/2019 23:22

Out of curiosity, why don't you want your son to confront him with his shitty behavior?

Original poster
CathyTre · 28/08/2019 23:23

And apparently it’s all because I might have reacted badly to ex partner’s marriage! Ffs! Noone was interested in any drama except them, it seems, and eldest is the one to get hurt again through their need for drama!

Apparently, THEY can’t move on!

OP posts:
Original poster
CathyTre · 28/08/2019 23:25

I don’t want my son to react because he’s angry and hurt and I don’t want him to do something he might regret. Like punch the man he called dad, which would get him in no end of trouble, and achieve nothing

OP posts:
TheDarkPassenger · 28/08/2019 23:29

Ew I don’t think yabu at all, you divorce adults not children. So so icky of him t do that.

FWIW, the OW women tend to be the most paranoid!

C0untDucku1a · 28/08/2019 23:32

He is a dick. Of course he is. But now you need to manage your son’s expectations.