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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Ex partner’s wedding

134 replies

CathyTre · 22/08/2019 16:40

My ex got married yesterday (to the OW, just as a matter of fact, I’m very much over it, but was very angry at the time). I do not care that he got remarried. I am also very recently married, and very happy 😃

However... he did not actually invite my eldest son to his wedding. My small children were there and I gather from the fact that they were wearing little suits, page boys. My middle son has told me about being in all the photos, described the day etc.

My eldest son is nearly 19 ( Littles much younger). He would not actually have gone to the wedding as is at a festival.

Last year, my ex bought him nothing fir his 18th and sent no card. He called him to say happy birthday, that’s it.

And now they didn’t invite him to their wedding??

Eldest son is upset but said he would just assume ex wants to cut him off and is just going to have a nice time at festival and nice birthday on Sunday. But he IS upset at not being invited.

I’m really sad on his behalf, and messaged ex to say I thought it was a dick move on his part. AIBU?

OP posts:

WorriedSENMum · 22/08/2019 18:22

Typical dick move that many men do. My ex didn't even invite our kids, or tell them that he was getting married & they only knew a sibling was on the way when it became obvious. Everyone knew about this baby & were told to keep it a secret, (my so-called family knew & even people at the school gates) Everyone knew except me, which was ridiculous because I couldn't give a flying fuck! When I eventually found out via Facebook I immediately sent a congratulations card & gift, which unsurprisingly, I got no thank you for.

I see where you are coming from with being upset for your DS, OP. I would be upset for my DC if my DH, (who has known my DC since they were very young) got remarried & didn't invite them. But in all honesty, this is between them & I wouldn't get involved. Your best bet is to have as little contact with your ex as you can.

AtrociousCircumstance · 22/08/2019 18:23

Amazed at posters on here saying “Oh if he’s not your ex’s biological child then that’s different...”

This man raised him as his own! FFS.

And OP, even if you were bitter (which you’re not) - even if you were riddled with resentment and bitterness - it would still be a dick move on your ex’s part, still be really hurtful and abandoning And you would still have every right to call him on it! I imagine his new wife is the driving force behind it but that is no excuse.

It shows his true colours. He’s a cheat, that we know - and he is also weak and lacks principles.

What a prick.

sandyfoot · 22/08/2019 18:24

YANBU. That's a dick move. Why do people not see/think/care about the hurt they cause. Sorry your son got hurt, hope he's ok

Dippypippy1980 · 22/08/2019 18:32

Sorry, can’t really add anything but that is so upsetting for your son.

Your ex was and is in every sense his dad. I am sure your son loves him and this rejection must really sting. It’s almost rewriting his childhood, the man he thought of as his dad didn’t think of him as a son.

Keep an eye on your son, let him talk about this when he needs to. Also a calm conversation with ex, explaining just how horticulture this rejection is.

Ginger1982 · 22/08/2019 18:39

I'm amazed at the people saying that a man who seemed to care enough about a small child to raise him as his own for 16 years can't be blamed for just casting him aside because they are not biologically related.
I think it's majorly shitty of him to do that.

And, quite frankly, I think the OP would be entitled to be bitter if she was that way inclined.

Contraceptionismyfriend · 22/08/2019 18:41

But again. Did OP seek for her son to be adopted? Did her son call him dad?

siriusblackthemischieviouscat · 22/08/2019 18:45

It is a dick move and your son has every right to be upset.

My dms second husband was in our lives for about 10 years. I was older when they got together and we didn't really get on. My brothers were younger and called him dad and even used his surname at school. For a year or two after splitting he kept in touch with us all but mainly my younger brother. That is until a new woman came on the scene - apparently she was threatened by his relationship with his 'ex' step son. We have not heard from him for about 17 years which is such a shame but especially for my little brother.

Sparklesocks · 22/08/2019 18:47

YANBU, I can absolutely understand the upset and 100% agree it’s not about being his bio dad, he raised him.

DeadButDelicious · 22/08/2019 19:12

YANBU. It's a dick move. He's raised that boy, he's been the only father he knows. It's disgusting that he's excluded him in this way.

Original poster

CathyTre · 22/08/2019 19:32

I spoke to ex mil. She said he wasn’t invited in case “I reacted badly to their marriage” I AM married! To someone else! We co patent fine! Why would I care??

OP posts:

Original poster

CathyTre · 22/08/2019 19:34

She said she would make sure he called him on his birthday. Great.

OP posts:

Original poster

CathyTre · 22/08/2019 19:35

Co parent not co patent!

OP posts:

Dippypippy1980 · 22/08/2019 19:36

That is a lame excuse. You ex is an arse.

If this is the truth (and it isn’t) he put having to deal with a negative reaction from you over damaging his relationship with your son for the rest of his life.

What an arse.

Did he acknowledge how hurtful this was for your son? And how confusing for the other children that their brother was excluded

Original poster

CathyTre · 22/08/2019 19:40

Well my ex IS an arse. 😂 ds1 will get over it. I’m sure. But he shouldn’t have to. They should have included him with his brothers. And the idea Id be upset he married?? Hahahahaha 😂

OP posts:

Valanice1989 · 22/08/2019 19:41

OP, I feel bad for your eldest son, although he seems to be taking it well.

Some step-parents truly do love their children as though they were thieir own, but I think it's less common than people make out. I think some men tell their partners that they love her children from a previous relationship "as though they were my own" as a way of impressing her. I think they believe she'll be so grateful that she'll put up with unpleasant behaviour.

I also think there are times when the man never claims to view his partner's children as his own, but she herself that he does. I hear women say "I don't love my partner's children but I know he loves mine, it's different for men because they don't give birth." If that were true, you'd expect adoptive mothers to love their children less than adoptive fathers do, which clearly isn't the case.

In my experience, that step-parents (male or female) are quite unlikely to remain a big part of their step-children's lives after divorce, and certainly don't tend to support them financially. Of course, this is purely anecdotal, and I'm happy to be corrected if the statistics don't bear this out. But I think parents should be careful about referring to their child's step-parent as their mum or dad.

RandomMess · 22/08/2019 19:47

After my one conversation with my Ex (DC was 5) then all was ok at one point DC lived with him for 4 years.

He never paid maintenance for her but other than that he is her Dad. Bridesmaid at his wedding, helped her out at uni etc. But I do think it's rare.

AllergicToAverage · 22/08/2019 20:13

My stepdad was in my life from three years old until I was about 19 years old when he left out home. He's the father of my sister who was ten when he split from my Mum, and while we kept in touch I wouldn't expect him to maintain the responsibilities and fatherly stuff he had with me when he split from my Mum.

I don not doubt that he cared for me when he lived with us but he didn't love me like he did his own three children and while he's on my Facebook friends i don't see him as my father so wouldn't expect him to act like on and buy me gifts and include me in his new family.

I wasn't invited to his wedding when he remarried and to be honest I'd have felt awkward there anyway and I don't think it's wrong that his second wife may have not wanted me there even though she wasn't an OW.

My mother didn't invite to her wedding either and they didn't expect to be and I don't think my Mums husband (my current step dad) is an arsehole for not wanting her exes children at his wedding.

They are included in everything to do with my sister so her 30th bday organised by my Mum they and her father were invited to but my Mam wouldn't invite them to something that's for her her and her husband. My ex stepdad is pretty much the same with me.

We all ask how each other is but I'm not part of his family any more. If some women and men want to keep a step parent/close family type relationship that's fine but I totally understand why it doesn't happen in many cases too.

I'd work on your son accepting that his ex stepdad doesn't view him as his son and how to get over and accept that. I do understand why he's upset but if he didn't bother with his bdays an invite to his wedding was unlikely to ever happen.

Winterlife · 22/08/2019 20:22

I think you should sit down with the ex and tell him his cheating was the best thing that ever happened to you. It facilitated you finding a man you’re happy with. Tell him his behaviour is abominable and contrary to his ego, you are not angry, you’re not pining for him, you don’t care about his marriage or life with OW, and would appreciate if he treated your children equally.

0lga · 22/08/2019 20:31

Amazed at posters on here saying “Oh if he’s not your ex’s biological child then that’s different...”

This.

SuzieSunshine · 22/08/2019 20:41

Sorry I haven't read all the posts but if the little ones were only told on the day of the wedding and your ex knew your son would be at a festival so wouldn't be able to go anyway, then maybe that's why DS wasn't invited? It sounds like your ex really didn't want you to know and so therefore didn't want to put your son in a position where he'd have to keep it a secret from you or feel the need to tell you? Otherwise why keep it from all the DC in the first place?

AllergicToAverage · 22/08/2019 20:46

That last bit if my post sounds harsher than I meant. I meant that I can understand why your son is upset if he's felt his stepdad viewed him as his own son, whereas it sounds more like your ex didn't. My suggestion to work on your son accepting this was to avoid further hurt for your son as that may be better for him than thinking he'll be included in your exes new setup.

Step families and divorce is often messy and the children don't have any say or control over what adults do and kind of just have to accept and go along with it. If he hasn't bothered with your sons previous birthdays, and only phoned this time because your ex mil has made him, then that may give him false hope and cause more hurt if he finds out?

SleepingStandingUp · 22/08/2019 21:07

@AllergicToAverage your Mom didn't invite you or your sister to her wedding because you weren't her partners kids??

Jengnr · 22/08/2019 21:21

He’s prepared to sacrifice your son’s feelings for a (perceived) need to cover his own back.

What a prize she’s got, eh?

I hope your son is ok. And I really hope a similar day doesn’t come for your younger two. He’s a cunt.

EWAB · 22/08/2019 21:45

OP I am so sorry you are going through this; I don’t think it even matters that you are now happily married it still hurts when someone moves on.
Like me you refer to your boys as brothers but they’re half-brothers who will have different experiences.
Is it just bravado that your eldest said he couldn’t have gone because of a festival? If he genuinely meant it it does kind of prove he didn’t see him as his dad. I do actually think it was fine not to invite a former step-son but would be inappropriate not to acknowledge birthdays etc.
I mean this very gently, while he is a cheat who let you down you really need to keep your dignity - why did you decide to berate him a day after his wedding and why are you in contact with former mother-in-law moaning about this? Keep your dignity don’t let them know you are upset. Concentrate on the boys having a good relationship with their new step-father but be clear about expectations eg. They call him by his name etc. Ex and elder boy might meet occasionally for a pizza etc

Original poster

CathyTre · 22/08/2019 22:38

Thanks fir all opinions. Ex hasn't really made me like him or his very much with this one.l, tbh.

Ds1 is I think ok. But is upset.

I’m only sorry I had kids with a cheating shit. And it’s now affecting my son.

OP posts:

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