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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Does anyone like their MIL?!

237 replies

cinnamoned · 22/08/2019 14:06

A bit lighthearted really, I get the impression that many people on here can’t stand their MILs and I was just thinking, if my DH thought those things about my mother, or didn’t want my mother to come for Christmas, I would be upset. So I suppose I always said I would be kind to my MIL from the get go.

AIBU to ask if anyone actually gets on with their MIL?

I do but then again, MIL, DHs Ex wife and I go on city breaks around Europe 2/3 times a year together so I’m quite odd Grin

OP posts:
Littlegoth · 22/08/2019 15:17

Mine is amazing, which is really lucky.

My own mum is a horror so looks like my DH drew the short straw

MissConductUS · 22/08/2019 15:17

I hit the MIL jackpot. She's been nothing but lovely, respectful and supportive to me. She's also helping out with DC's university costs.

We see her for dinner about every other weekend and it's always nice.

Toneitdown · 22/08/2019 15:18

Yeah, I like mine. We aren't best mates or anything but we get on well when we see each other. We keep up to date on WhatsApp. She doesn't do any of the weird controlling shit that you hear about on MN, maybe that's why we get on...

MabelMoo23 · 22/08/2019 15:26

She's ok. I don't hate her, but I'm not her biggest fan. Mainly because of passive aggressive digs towards me, does my head in. She only had sons so as someone else said, she is very intense and I get really sick of the "innocent" passive aggressive remarks. She's very me me me.

But I make the effort because she's the mother of my DH and the grandmother of my DD's and she deserves the respect just for that alone.

Shame, she doesn't seem to think that being the wife of her son, and mother to her grandchildren means that the respect goes both ways

So no, I don't hate her, but I don't particularly relish spending time with her

DontDribbleOnTheCarpet · 22/08/2019 15:27

Mine was amazing- brave and funny, loving and nurturing without being overbearing. We had a great laugh and we shared a house with no issues. I did what I could to help with her care in her last months and I wish I could have done more. She died 26 years ago and I still miss her.

SconeofDestiny · 22/08/2019 15:28

I loved my MIL and felt that I was still getting to know her when she died suddenly from a massive heart attack whilst in hospital. Sad She'd had routine surgery so we were looking forward to visiting her when she got home. (We lived a few hundred miles away.) She was a genuinely kind hearted person and so many people from different areas of her life came to her funeral to pay their respects. My wonderful DM had died about 5 years before so I felt really lucky when I met MIL and we got on so well.

My ex MIL was ok, but I can't say I really liked her. She was very much the 50's housewife and didn't believe that women should get an education or career. Confused I strongly disliked FIL as I felt he was a Perv. He always focussed on my chest when talking to me (or any woman for that matter). He'd stand behind the sofa trying to look down my top even though I didn't wear revealing outfits.
Not having to spend any more time with them was a huge bonus when we split up. Grin

JamdaniSari · 22/08/2019 15:31

I do. She lives on a different continent though Grin

Ditto. She stayed over at our ours for 4 months just after DS was born last year. That was a challenge lol.

My husband and mum who lives round the corner get on really well, in fact my husband adores her. I was respectful to her and bearing in mind she's a lot older/lives far away/husband respecting my mum/because I'm nice, I did my best to keep her happy - had to bite my tongue on several occasions. I got the impression that she had to tolerate me at times and maybe feels her son could have done better...

makingmyway10 · 22/08/2019 15:32

I don't like mine, I tolerate her ( as little a possible Smile) She is very different to me and I find her intrusive and nosy. She is very close to my SIL and therefore has more to do with her and her other grandchildren which is absolutely fine with me. Now my DDs are almost grown up we rarely see them. I find both PIL so difficult to be around. Polite conversation and they ask the same questions over and over but don't listen to the response. I suppose they tolerate me too, they had to when my children were little. Now not so much they can be quite rude. I don't have family of my own so DH never has to tolerate my family, I suppose if I am honest I resent that a bit.

AnotherEmma · 22/08/2019 15:34

"So I suppose I always said I would be kind to my MIL from the get go."

So do you think that those of us who have no/bad relationships with our MILs decided we were going to hate them from day one?

Ridiculous.

Most people start out with the intention/hope of a good relationship. Unfortunately it takes two to tango and with the best will in the world you can't have a good relationship with a dysfunctional or toxic person.

The reason you hear about so many bad MIL relationships on here is that they cause so much stress and upset that people want (need) to talk about it. With good relationships there isn't much to discuss!

I'm happy for you and others on this thread who get on with your MILs. But while you celebrate your relationships please be aware that others might not be so lucky. And it's not always their fault!

Buyitinbamboo · 22/08/2019 15:35

We aren't really close but I like my MIL. However I realise she would easily over step boundaries (and SIL calls to moan about her doing this all the time) so I do leave the relationship mainly with DP. He takes DD to see her when he wants, sorts presents, all that sort of stuff. I think a lot of people clash with their MIL because their DPs step back too much

Original poster
cinnamoned · 22/08/2019 15:36

Fair enough @emma! I just don’t see many men complaining about their MILs so I was interested in the dynamics. However I do get what you’re saying and take it back!

OP posts:
Jenu294 · 22/08/2019 15:37

I really liked my MIL. Until recently.

During a visit to see her 11 month granddaughter she decided to fall out with her son, my husband.

Cutting a long story short but she cancelled all her arrangements with me and her granddaughter and headed home again. The next day. A 5 hour trip back to Bonny Scotland. She'd only been with us for two days!

Two weeks later we were in Scotland ourselves, visiting the rest of my husband's family and to celebrate my daughter's first birthday - MIL was a no show. Charming.

Its been nearly 3 months now, no contact not even to see how her grandchild is?

I seriously don't understand people like this? And it's a shame she's changed my feelings towards her.

justfortoday4367 · 22/08/2019 15:39

I want to like mine but she makes it hugely difficult :(
Today’s antics our DD got her results very nervous as she doesn’t exam well due to anxiety- she did very well. My MIL hadn’t text/contacted us before today to wish good luck as the rest of the family - which is fine. So husband phoned her after receiving DD results - apparently she was busy having a tea with a friend in Debenhams. And when my DH started to explain results she turned the call around to be about her. He carried on talking only to be told he was being rude.
She still hasn’t congratulated our DD on results

ooooohbetty · 22/08/2019 15:39

Yes I really like mine. We get on very well and I look forward to seeing her.

jackparlabane · 22/08/2019 15:41

Mine is great - somewhat eccentric and exasperating but she loves me and is more maternal than my mum has ever been.

DH and I now get on with my mum OK and she can be quite entertaining if you avoid certain topics (Brexit and sexuality, mostly), but we're not close - we chat to MIL regularly.

oreosoreosoreos · 22/08/2019 15:43

I love my MIL, she's lovely, and I feel so lucky to have her!

She has been so supportive to me through some tough times, and gives excellent practical advice - but, crucially, only if I ask her for it!! (Having an over bearing MIL herself I think she's quite cautious).

My own mum is no longer around, so it's been lovely to be able to do 'mum and daughter' type things together - she had 3 boys, so I think she equally enjoys the relationship we have.

LadyofMisrule · 22/08/2019 15:45

Mine isn't someone I would naturally choose to be with, but she raised my partner, and loves her grandchildren, so that can't be bad.

I loved my ex-MIL, though. She was bloody marvellous, and I miss her dreadfully.

DramaAlpaca · 22/08/2019 15:45

Mine's no longer with us, but she was fine as a MIL. A very nice woman who was very different to me but made a point of never interfering.

ginghamtablecloths · 22/08/2019 15:48

My late MIL was a challenge. Late DH felt he was the odd one out in the family but actually he wasn't. He and his dad were similar - quiet reflective types. MIL and BIL were often at loggerheads - both wanted to be the star of the show and you can only have so many egos in one room.

She was tolerated, by and large, but was hard work. I could take her politely in short bursts. DH was the only one who could 'get round' her - he was her favourite.

cheeseislife8 · 22/08/2019 15:49

I adore my MIL, we get on really well and I actually feel really lucky there. Especially since coming on MN!

professionalnomad · 22/08/2019 15:49

I'm super lucky. Mine is amazing.

Xenadog · 22/08/2019 15:50

My MIL is fine. She went a bit nuts when we had dd as she’d been desperate to be a grandma and just wanted to be with her all of the time.

All that is dealt with and she’s back to being nice enough. She’s very different to me but we have a reasonable relationship.

strongthighedbargeman · 22/08/2019 15:55

Love mine. A loving mum with a penchant for a rare but well timed expletive. She's just been diagnosed with cancer so I'm hoping for the best

notupsettingpeople · 22/08/2019 15:59

Mine is a lovely lady, however I am disappointed in her for choosing a favourite grandchild and totally neglecting the others. Also for indulging and facilitating my appalling FiL. Her life would be so much better without him in it, but she firmly believes that she made her choice in marrying him so is duty bound to remain with him. 40 years in, my husband hopes his dad dies first so she might manage a couple of years of happiness without his domineering, misogynist and controlling nonsense.
She is a lovely person if you can manage to get her on her own and extract her from her life of drudgery though.

Ilikethisone · 22/08/2019 16:03

I only have a step mil. However, dps mum wasnt around when he was growing up so she is the only mum he has known.

He cant stand her. She is a nice enough person, but her and dps dads dragged them up. She is essentially quite self involved.

Bit to be honest, I am ok with her. She can be annoying and loves to play the victim. But, generally I get in with her.

I can over look her faults and speak up when I think she is going to far.

Dps dad is dead and I think she takes far too much of the blame for choices he made. Now he is dead, all but one sister seem to pretend he was a saint, he wasnt, and the blame is all laid at her feet.

Where I see a woman of 20 who met and older man with 4 kids, fell in love with him and did her best after the shock of taking 4 kids on. She was often left with them for weeks while he 'worked away' ( he had lots of affairs) step mil clearly struggled to cope with all the kids and it wasnt great. But I dont think she is as responsible as they make her out to be.

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