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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend angry at me after new baby

122 replies

ffiffi8 · 22/08/2019 06:17

Just needed a bit of a rant/advice...

I moved a couple of years ago to a completely new area/country for my relationship which obviously meant a new job and new friends, although obviously I kept my old friends and visited as and when I could.

I made a new friend in work who was lovely, made me feel welcome at my new job etc. Over the last couple of years she's always come to my house for tea/chat etc with my partner and me and we'd often help her out as she lived alone and didn't drive, taking her shopping/letting her stay on a weekly basis because she was lonely, given her lifts and obviously fed her when she stayed or cane over, all of this we didn't mind because that's what friends do.

Here's the AIBU part....

Last night she's basically had a go at me and we argued because 8 weeks ago I had a baby, a traumatic birth to say the least and obviously contending with a newborn has obviously had an impact on friendships.

After the birth and I'm guessing this goes for any new mum, I was healing from a traumatic emergency c section, my partners and I'd relationship was suffering as all do, I felt shit about myself and my new body is getting me down, I don't have PND I'm actually so happy at the moment because this is all I've ever wanted!

AIBU that I'm a little upset that she's accusing me of making no effort when the whole new baby/first time mum thing is still new to me and she should be a little understanding of that? I realise everyone has their own problems going on by the way but she's even had a go at me for missing her birthday night out 5 weeks after a c section 

Thank you for reading and sorry it's so long!

OP posts:
smeerf · 22/08/2019 06:21

Sounds like a bit of a one sided friendship OP.

FudgeBrownie2019 · 22/08/2019 06:23

YANBU to be upset, but I do think friendships can take an absolute battering when babies arrive and if she's used to having you there, its probably been a bit of a shock to her to have you suddenly go awol.

If you think the friendship is worth salvaging, talk to her about how you're feeling, make sure she understands how much you value the friendship and that it's been a struggle for you trying to recover from the trauma of your life changing. If she's a friend, a real one, she'll listen and take care to make sure she's there for you.

edgeofheaven · 22/08/2019 06:26

YANBU. She was happy when you were meeting her needs but now that you need to rest and recover she doesn't have the patience for it. Has she done anything to help you since having the baby? You haven't mentioned.

KC225 · 22/08/2019 06:30

First of all congratulations on your new baby.

Sounds to me like your friend considered herself your 'only child' and is not happy you have had a real child.

I am not saying you should cut your friend loose but if she cannot be supportive and kind at a time like this than you need to step back and concentrate on your baby. Don't let yourself be emotionally blackmailed.

greenyellowredblue · 22/08/2019 06:32

Two of my oldest friends acted like this when I had my baby via emergency c section. I had a hard recovery.

We still talk but the friendship isn't the same and I've never forgotten. I don't make the same effort for them anymore.

Original poster
ffiffi8 · 22/08/2019 06:32

Obviously she's visited a few times, but that's it, I've asked her over and said we'd pick her up and drop her off, she lives on the other side of town and we'd feed her too.

Last night she's suddenly wanting me to go to hers, even though when I was free and able to do what I wanted when I wanted she always came to ours. I don't mind going to hers it's just a bit more of a ordeal now as I have to plan around a baby and her need which are quite frankly more important! She wanted me to walk to hers in shitty weather with the baby and couldn't understand why I wasn't willing (my partner was out so I'd have to walk, I don't drive either)

OP posts:
Original poster
ffiffi8 · 22/08/2019 06:34

Not to drip feed but I also work with her and now I'm worried everyone's pissed off at me and I feel awkward going into work and worried she'll make it awkward when I go back to work Sad

OP posts:
SnuggyBuggy · 22/08/2019 06:39

She sounds like a user

brassbrass · 22/08/2019 06:40

Sounds to me like your friend considered herself your 'only child' and is not happy you have had a real child.

This! 8 weeks for her is a long time to go without the attention she had previously been getting

we'd often help her out as she lived alone and didn't drive, taking her shopping/letting her stay on a weekly basis because she was lonely, given her lifts and obviously fed her when she stayed or cane over

She sounds very immature if she doesn't realise what happens when a new baby arrives on the scene via a c section. How old is she?

user1480880826 · 22/08/2019 06:40

She sounds like a bit of an oddball. And the lengths you were going to for her before the baby arrived seem a bit unusual. Driving to pick her up, feeding her and letting her stay over. It sounds more like you’re describing the friend of your child. Is she quite immature? Everything you’ve described makes her sound very immature.

She’s clearly jealous of your new baby and unhealthily dependant on you. When you have a new baby the last thing you need is a friend behaving like another baby. I think you need to have a frank conversation with her about what it’s like to have a newborn baby and hope that she understands. She clearly has no idea how difficult it is.

crystalize · 22/08/2019 06:41

She sounds utterly selfish, demanding and needy. Expecting a new mum to walk to her house FFS? She has no compassion OP and I would be distancing myself from her.

violetbunny · 22/08/2019 06:42

She sounds like one of life's takers. I'd let her be upset. You have nothing to be sorry for.

HisBetterHalf · 22/08/2019 06:45

You are not responsible for her loneliness. Your priority is your baby and DH. She obviously doesnt understand your commitments or is either too selfish to care.

Monkeymilkshake · 22/08/2019 06:50

Hum she sounds weird! Friends usually come round to see you and the baby, hold the baby while you have s shower... and the best ones bring you food! They don't get angry because you couldn't go on a noght out after an emergency c section and ask you to walk in the rain to come and meet them.

She sounds very odd.
I wouldn't worry about people at work. If she tells them tbe truth they'll think she's weird and if she lies you can always set them straight.

Maybe just tell her you need time to recover and figure out this new baby thing. She doesn't HAVE to help and as she's not it's probably best she gives you some time.

Do you have other friends? Mum & baby groups? Family visiting?

Good luck. X

pictish · 22/08/2019 06:50

Why on earth would people at work take against you for not being as available for this woman as you used to be?

KatherineJaneway · 22/08/2019 06:53

Sounds like she has zero understanding of what having a baby does to change parents lives and / or you are her main friends and she cannot see past her own needs.

Toneitdown · 22/08/2019 06:54

She sounds very immature and, frankly, very odd. Is she very young? A teenager? Does she have SN or mental health issues? It's really weird that she doesn't understand that a new baby, especially one that's arrived by C Section, is going to mean that you are very busy and not able to continue things as you were pre baby.

Most normal close friends would be offering to pop round to help you out with things, or at the very least if they weren't prepared to help they would give you space and understand that you probably can't do stuff like go on birthday nights out or walk over to their house at a moment's notice.

Very odd behaviour... Is she odd in other ways? Might be time to start avoiding her.

BoomBoomsCousin · 22/08/2019 06:56

You say you've moved to a new country so there may be some cultural factors at play, but it seems very much like she's just put out because she now has to give a little in the friendship instead of having you run around after her. Before this, have there been other non-trivial situations where she's had to be the one going out her way more for you instead of the other way round? It does seem odd that, even though you've been the ones doing the driving, she's always come to yours rather than you just driving to hers to see her. So I wonder what's the driver behind that dynamic and whether the baby has exacerbated (from her POV) an imbalance she's always seen?

If your partner is from the country you've moved to, maybe talk to some of his female relatives about this to see if there's something you're missing,

But while those are niggling questions that might change the way it looks, on the face of it I think you need to let this friendship die off as gracefully as possible and find other friends.

YoTheGinPussyOfStMawesOnThigh · 22/08/2019 07:00

I am sure if your so called friend starts being silly at work about you people will just roll their eyes at her and ignore. Go and see them at work and take your lovely new baby for them to meet. Sounds like she is very jealous of you and your new family.

brassbrass · 22/08/2019 07:03

I'm struggling to think of any culture that expects a new mum to run around after friends. Women usually rally around a new mother offering support. I think she just feels displaced by the baby the loon.

pictish · 22/08/2019 07:03

I agree with user1480880826 on the face of it.

I don’t think it’s that usual to pick friends up and feed them and let them stay over because they’re lonely and all that stuff...I mean, yeah now and then but not like a set dynamic. She has obviously got used to being cared for by you and resents the intrusion of your actual baby.

You do have some hand in creating this, albeit certainly not intentionally. You made yourself indispensable and now she’s angry about the nice world you have created for her being cut off. Her expectations of you have been raised by all the care-giving. Now she’s all needy and demanding because she thinks she’s entitled to it.

I think you’ll need to have a frank talk with her if the friendship/work situation is going to be salvaged.

Original poster
ffiffi8 · 22/08/2019 07:05

It's not a new country as in completely different... it's basically within the uk! Think Scotland to England...

She is 'young' for her age.. there's an age gap between us, I'm mid 30s she's mid 20s! To be honest I know it sounds odd how much we did for her but it started when she broke up with her partner and she'd had previous MH issues and to be honest I was just making sure she was ok... if it were me I'd hope a friend would do the same for me! I am the type of person who'd do for others, to the detriment of myself Blush

I'm just a bit surprised, I've apologised but also made it clear that it's also taken time to recover and my priorities have changed, I'm not going to drag an 8 week old who's sleeping out in rain and wind for anyone!! Sorry but she comes first even before my partner, in some ways, and I'm hoping that's normal for new mums?

OP posts:
brassbrass · 22/08/2019 07:10

With that age gap you can be the grown up and manage her expectations. She will either adjust or she won't. Your priorities aren't going to change either way.

SnuggyBuggy · 22/08/2019 07:10

Your colleagues will understand your baby comes first regardless of what she is telling them.

Liverbird77 · 22/08/2019 07:16

She sounds crazy! Please don't let her spoil this special bonding time you have. I would be ending the friendship, or at least cooling it significantly.

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