Friend angry at me after new baby

[ffiffi8]

Just needed a bit of a rant/advice...

I moved a couple of years ago to a completely new area/country for my relationship which obviously meant a new job and new friends, although obviously I kept my old friends and visited as and when I could.

I made a new friend in work who was lovely, made me feel welcome at my new job etc. Over the last couple of years she's always come to my house for tea/chat etc with my partner and me and we'd often help her out as she lived alone and didn't drive, taking her shopping/letting her stay on a weekly basis because she was lonely, given her lifts and obviously fed her when she stayed or cane over, all of this we didn't mind because that's what friends do.

Here's the AIBU part....

Last night she's basically had a go at me and we argued because 8 weeks ago I had a baby, a traumatic birth to say the least and obviously contending with a newborn has obviously had an impact on friendships.

After the birth and I'm guessing this goes for any new mum, I was healing from a traumatic emergency c section, my partners and I'd relationship was suffering as all do, I felt shit about myself and my new body is getting me down, I don't have PND I'm actually so happy at the moment because this is all I've ever wanted!

AIBU that I'm a little upset that she's accusing me of making no effort when the whole new baby/first time mum thing is still new to me and she should be a little understanding of that? I realise everyone has their own problems going on by the way but she's even had a go at me for missing her birthday night out 5 weeks after a c section 

Thank you for reading and sorry it's so long!

Tbh it's not what you do, never have I ever done any of that because I have boundaries.

You've moved into a mothering role, you do what I'd do for my kids, nobody else.

Re work, ask somebody if they think she's ok because she thinks you can still run round after her bow you've got a baby.

IME friendships inevitably change when one person has a baby and the other has no experience of parenthood. When she has her own child she will understand better. For now just tell her she is being unreasonable and explain what you have said above.

I've apologised

Hold on.

Has she apologised for this?
she's even had a go at me for missing her birthday night out 5 weeks after a c section

If she has, you've got a chance of moving forward into a more balanced friendship.

If she hasn't ... then I'm agreeing with most pp above - she has created an unhealthy dependency on you, & - because you mentioned this tendency of your own - I am the type of person who'd do for others, to the detriment of myself - you need to find a way to allow yourself to establish boundaries.

I suspect that part of this is perhaps also to do with your 'newness' to the area & your own need to establish friends. Perhaps you were over-accommodating during the "getting to know you" stage of the friendship. That's perfectly understandable - but it does mean that you are going to need to have a frank talk with her at some point, to help her understand what a huge change, disruption, & full time effort a baby brings.

NB - please don't "apologise" again.
If I may be brutally straighforward - that's just your inner 'people pleaser' talking. There is NO need to apologise for not being able to meet another person's demands.
Her ignorance in demanding that you trot gamely on foot over to hers, post C-section, toting a brand new baby, was fucking ludicrous - but until you are able to tactfully help her to understand how bloody unreasonable she is being, she won't see that, & the drip drip drip of over-expectation, emotional blackmail, demands & blame will not stop.

If you haven't read this one before, you might find it a tremendous boon as you work out how to deal with Ms Demanding while still keeping the friendship AND the work relationship with her sweet - www.amazon.co.uk/Woman-Your-Own-Right-Assertiveness/dp/0704334208?tag=mumsnetforu03-21

Congrats on your new baby!

Offer her what you can if you still want to after her selfish behaviour and then it's up to her to take it or leave it. Obviously your baby is now your priority.

Of course she’s unreasonable to expect you to go to hers in bad weather with a newborn. I had a traumatic EMCS and barely left the house for the first 8 weeks!
But she has come to rely on you, probably far more than either of you should have allowed, to the extent that she’s almost like your older child, so obviously her nose has been put out of joint. It’s good that you are meeting up for a chat, she needs to hear (gently) that the baby is now your first priority. If she can’t see that then it’s time to go back to being work colleagues.

I'm worried everyone's pissed off at me [at work]
They're not.

feel awkward going into work and worried she'll make it awkward when I go back to work
Don't spend another minute fretting about that. Remember, you colleagues have worked with Ms Demanding longer than you have. The way she is with you will have played out, even in small ways, in her professional life as well. Other people will have picked up on that.
Just carry on being your own sweet self when you return. Your colleagues will only want to know you & baby are happy & healthy, & that you are back with your business head on.

While you are still on ML - do NOT fall for any 'appeasement routine' with Ms Demanding, just because you are worrying about what any other person may be thinking or saying. That's a form of auto-catastrophising ... it comes from the inner 'people pleaser' again. Disregard that learned behaviour! - you don't need it, & your colleagues will like & appreciate you just the same as they did before you gave birth. Don't waste any more time thinking about it :)

Yanbu my "best" friend did this to me after I had my second child. I felt like I had been hit by a truck for months, had pnd and didn't contact her as much as I should have. She ghosted me eventually after ten years of friendship. Really shocked me I couldn't believe it. Some friends have no empathy or understanding and can't deal with change.

"To be honest because of her MH problems I have over compensated and made sure I was available, I woke my partner up one night because she’d phoned me crying to pick her up and stay with us... I’m not begrudging it, that’s what you do, and I’d rather know she’s ok than worry she would do something silly..."

As said, you haven't been a friend, you've set up a co-dependency. Realistically you can't be there on demand for another Adult, unless you are a live in carer and that's your job. But even then, you'd get maternity leave etc.

You have to have good boundaries to protect the pair of you.

It's a lesson learned. Neither of you are to blame, she took what was on offer and has struggled with it ending, as someone with MH issues would. But what you learn when you live a bit longer, is you don't actually change people's outcomes that much. So to give so much of yourself, is silly.

You've got to decide your boundaries and what you are prepared to do. She needs to learn coping strategies and resilience.

Then decide how, or, if to proceed. It might be her that decides not to.

No-one in work will take any notice of what she's got to say. They'll have her worked out and won't see you as unreasonable.

I had a friend like this, MH issues too but unfortunately you can't make her issues your issues. It took me 10 years to come to that conclusion with my friend and I gently let it go when my DC was born and she made no effort to come and see me.

You should not be sorry. She's a CF for letting you do that all of the time and demanding you go over to hers then getting upset if you don't with a young baby in the mix.

Create some healthy distance. You are right, your baby comes first above all.

You need to set boundries with this woman. She's acting like a jealous sibling, very immature and tantrumming. As others have said, you are guilty of enabling this by pandering to her whims and putting her above yourself and your dp.

A chat over coffee is good but you need to lay out boundries.

Do not let her ruin this time with your baby
Do not meet her every week and say how high when she says jump
Do text her back but not excessively, ignore any emotional blackmail
Do not apologise for being less available, it feeds her behaviour and makes her feel right
When you speak to her about her MH suggest professional help. You arent qualified, you don't have it in you to give and she shouldn't rely on you.

She sounds like a selfish wanker to be honest.

She obviously has no idea of the work involved in a new baby; I suggest you make this quite clear to her.

She sounds like a user too. And not a friend I would be in a hurry to keep. Tell her to learn to drive FFS and stop expecting people to bend over backwards.

I expect everyone else at work thinks the same and is relieved that she 'latched' onto you when you started, instead of them.

Don't worry, if she makes anything 'awkward' when you return to work, she'll only be making herself look like a twat.

Congratulations on your baby.

She's let you see now how demanding she is. Everything to do with your baby will be seen as taking something away from her.

I'd pull way back from her, and hope she takes the hump. This isn't a two-way friendship, it only works when you're accommodating her.

I found a lot of my friendships were affected when I had my first DC. I was mid 20's and so were a lot of my friends so we were in totally different places.
Some kind of fixed themselves later on and some I've just let go of as i have no desire to be in a one sided friendship. Tbh I think it's just natural.
You have to decide if you want to continue a friendship with someone who thinks they can compete with your child for attention.
You'll make some great mummy friends if you go to some local groups and maybe it's time to just move on?

Ayemama makes a very good point - my friendship circle definitely changed once I had children.

The trouble is, with going above and beyond at the very start of the friendship, you don't know the other person well. It can be easy for your whole friendship to be a dependency. When you have long standing dear friends you know very well, it is easier to help on a short term basis in the tough times and revert back to a more healthy normal friendship like you've always had.

I really would step back, unfortunately you're the solution to her problems. You aren't her partner or parent. I would switch to offering her ways she can solve her own problems.

If it wasn't the baby I bet it would be something else with this person

Your child comes first, as you've said yourself. Your needs are also more important than her feelings. You've given a lot when you could, now you can't. Simple as that. She is going to have to accept this change of affairs. And also what kind of friend is she? Has she made you feel as supported now your life has changed? Or just added to your problems? If the latter she isn't a friend at all, really.

She just sounds like a bit of a selfish tit tbh, I wouldn’t waste another moment worrying about it. It will obviously be awkward returning to work but hopefully it’s blown over by then.

YADNBU, she sounds very needy.
However I think there’s a lesson to be learned.
Sometimes the more you do for some people, the more they depend on it.
When you first start doing favours or tasks for someone they will appreciate it, if you continue to do so for certain people they will come to feel they are entitled to your help.
Obviously we all want to support our friends, but not at the expense of our own lives. It’s best that people are self sufficient and can solve their own issues.

YANBU. I cooled things down considerably with one friend after my DC2 was born, when she came to visit wearing strong perfume, my DH who really hates that kept out of her way, and then she complained later by phone about feeling unwelcome and tried to get me to go to lunch in a restaurant, newborn in tow, telling me 'you can just put the baby in a car seat under the table': well, not my colicky baby you couldn't, plus at the time smoking was still allowed in restaurants. Some people are just self-centred and can't bear to see their friends' priorities change.

Mate, people are either radiators or drains.

She's a drain. That's fine, but it means that you now have to redraw this friendship. She might accept it, she might not. But you have different priorities now.

She sounds odd and way overly needy.
I'd actually drop her OP.
If you actually think she would try and put other colleagues against you, what does that say about her?
I didn't have a clue about babies or sections in my 20s either - I just didn't get it. So some of her behaviour will be that, but that aside she sounds like a selfish brat.
Congrats on your baby btw!

people are either radiators or drains

never heard that before, but instantly recognise its truth

She’s being selfish and has no comprehension of how a baby has changed your life. If you want to retain the friendship she needs to understand that your life will never be the same again and the baby will come first.

You'll look back and kick yourself for wasting your time on this idiot during your maternity leave.
You are right, she is wrong. Unfortunately it will take her years to realise and you don't really have that time to waste.

Enjoy your new baby x