Friend angry at me after new baby

[ffiffi8]

Just needed a bit of a rant/advice...

I moved a couple of years ago to a completely new area/country for my relationship which obviously meant a new job and new friends, although obviously I kept my old friends and visited as and when I could.

I made a new friend in work who was lovely, made me feel welcome at my new job etc. Over the last couple of years she's always come to my house for tea/chat etc with my partner and me and we'd often help her out as she lived alone and didn't drive, taking her shopping/letting her stay on a weekly basis because she was lonely, given her lifts and obviously fed her when she stayed or cane over, all of this we didn't mind because that's what friends do.

Here's the AIBU part....

Last night she's basically had a go at me and we argued because 8 weeks ago I had a baby, a traumatic birth to say the least and obviously contending with a newborn has obviously had an impact on friendships.

After the birth and I'm guessing this goes for any new mum, I was healing from a traumatic emergency c section, my partners and I'd relationship was suffering as all do, I felt shit about myself and my new body is getting me down, I don't have PND I'm actually so happy at the moment because this is all I've ever wanted!

AIBU that I'm a little upset that she's accusing me of making no effort when the whole new baby/first time mum thing is still new to me and she should be a little understanding of that? I realise everyone has their own problems going on by the way but she's even had a go at me for missing her birthday night out 5 weeks after a c section 

Thank you for reading and sorry it's so long!

I hadn’t seen the bit about her having a go at you for missing her birthday five weeks postpartum and having a section. This women is a manipulator. You can’t change her behaviour only she can. All you can do is change the way you respond to her - upping your boundaries. And I can guarantee she won’t like it. Stay strong.

The radiators and drains analogy is brilliant. Never heard it before but it is so true.

Gosh, so many negative comments in this thread! I have been on both sides of this fence and so I may understand some of the reasons for your friend's behaviour (I could of course be mistaken). You are in completely different stages of life. When I was in my 20s I had no clue about the impact a baby had on peoples' lives. YEs, to an outsider she is being selfish. However, some people find change scary and so my guess is that she is rather worried about the new situation and is finding it difficult to adjust. From her point of view you have gone from being someone who is always available to someone who has less time for her. Her status quo has been rocked and if she has little experience of newborns she won't understand the struggles you are having. This may be especially scary if you were her main emotional support. Ironically, she may be lashing out because she's worried that she is going to lose you as a friend! I'm not saying that her behaviour is right and, in my opinion, you have certainly gone above and beyond what many people would do to try and salvage the friendship.

As previous posters have said, you will probably find that your circle of friends will change now that you have a baby (mine certainly is). In order for this friendship to survive she will need to allow it to evolve. In my case it just took a bit of time for my best friend to accept that my boyfriend (now husband) and up-coming baby were not a threat but a wonderful addition. Other friendships have sadly run their course.

I hope the stress of this situation isn't affecting your health too much. If necessary, take some time away from your friend (don't keep chasing her) and focus on you and your baby. If your friend refuses to adapt, it may be time to call it a day. xx

Honestly, I'd drop her. She sounds like she's annoyed at you because she started relying on you for everything- getting around, socialising and whatnot. Now you have a baby she isn't remotely a priority and her nose is out of joint.

If she starts being ridiculous again, tell her in no uncertain terms that you have a newborn baby to look after and you don't have the time to be running around after her. Explain that you've been incredibly supportive towards her in the past, and you don't need to be friends with someone who can't return the favour. Close her down and move on. You don't need someone like this putting a dampener on your maternity leave, plus as someone who's had an emergency c section too, they're fucking hard to recover from. Get rest and cosy up with your baby. I still found it hard moving about at 8 weeks and you don't want to risk infection or your stitches opening up.

Don't worry about colleagues, either. If anyone started complaining to me about being left out because their mate has had a baby, I'd laugh in their face.

@snowy0wl no disrespect or anything, but I think it would take a very dense person to not realise that having a newborn baby takes up all of your day. Sleepless nights are hardly a secret, are they?

I'm not meaning to be rude, but I just don't think we should be justifying her behaviour. She needs to stop being self centred and that's all there is to it, really.

This may be especially scary if you were her main emotional support. Ironically, she may be lashing out because she's worried that she is going to lose you as a friend!

A neighbour of my sister's (N1) had an immediate neighbour (N2) with MH problems. N1 is a lovely, caring person, works with people with MH problems, and did so much for N2 - far more than most people would have tolerated. When something happened that meant N1 was not quite so sympathetic N2 turned really nasty against her - but not at the neighbour on the other side. When I sympathised with N1 for what she was having to put up with she was quite philosophical about it. She told me that those who've been helpful and sympathetic are always the ones who get the shit thrown at them, as there's the expectation that they'll just put up with it and continue to be accommodating. She distanced herself after that. It was something that hadn't occurred to me before, that the nicer you are to some people the more viciously they'll turn against you if for any reason you don't pander to them.

I wouldn't worry about work. With someone that needy and entitled, I'm sure people know what shes really like

Tbh I'd mute her messages until I was ready to deal with her ridiculous antics on my own terms (if ever). I know you work with her, but she's adding extra stress when you do NOT need it! You need time and rest. If she doesn't get that, she will have to learn.

She’s not your friend. She has zero empathy.

Your other colleagues won’t take the lead from a needy, demanding person who is angry you have a new baby and are in recovery.

Detach OP.

And congrats on your baby

the nicer you are to some people the more viciously they'll turn against you if for any reason you don't pander to them

This in volumes.

Red flags right from the start with this one, latching onto you at work, knowing you were socially isolated. Making you responsible for her emotionally, mental and physical health?!

Nothing good will come from this chat, at all, unless it’s the final straw for you.

Fade her out.

Congrats on your baby OP.

Your friend sounds like hard work. I know you said friends should help/support whenever you can, BUT it sounds like she depended on you for EVERYTHING. Driving, getting around, food, companionship, emotional support, fill up her void...it sounds all too overbearing, like you're taking care of a daughter/sister!

You two are in different life stages. You being mid 30s and her mid20s, she's still at the stage of wanting to hang out with friends freely with no responsibilities, and that's perfectly normal. But you now have a baby, your priorities changed and that's perfectly normal too! Your friend should be more understanding and start making MORE friends instead of relying on you way too much. YANBU.

@chocpop - no disrespect taken, although I'm assuming that you (and most of the other posters) are either a Mum or have lots of experience of people with young children. In my mid-20s none of my friends had children and so I had no clue about what having a child involved. I couldn't appreciate the impact of sleep deprivation and being responsible for another human completely reliant on me 24/7. I am much more clued up these days, having watched several of my friends enter motherhood and share their experiences with me. For some people it is very difficult to relate to other situations if they haven't experienced something similar themselves.

You are doing the right thing. She is clearly jealous of the baby, as shes so used to getting all of your attention! She's clearly immature for her age. I would cool the friendship and just go out for the odd drinks and catch up once a month instead of the whole 'come pick me up, feed me and take me home like a child.

"we'd often help her out as she lived alone and didn't drive, taking her shopping/letting her stay on a weekly basis because she was lonely, given her lifts and obviously fed her when she stayed or cane over"

Honestly? She sees you as a mother figure, not a friend; and with the arrival of the baby she's the jealous older sibling unwilling to share attention with the baby so upping their demands for attention.

Not being flippant but I'd be inclined to treat her like a toddler - you do not reward bad behaviour with attention, it encourages bad behaviour. Only good behaviour is rewarded with attention.

And don't worry about work. She was there before you, I'd bet money they've got the measure of her.

You mothered her. Now she's upset (and probably jealous) because you are mothering your actual child, and she has lost your attention.

Ridiculous in a grownup, I know, but this happened to my mother with her sister - when they were both in their 60s! My aunt is actually jealous of me and my sister, and of my sister's children, and has whinged at my mother about it (my mother swiftly put an end to the whinging).

Some people refuse to grow up.

Why are you so surprised? This is a person who, even as a fully grown adult, has let you run around after her and seemingly pander to her every whim! No wonder she’s pissed off about the baby. She’s an immature twat and not a true friend. It seems harsh but there’s nothing to be gained from carrying the friendship on because a) she’s been taking the piss throughout your friendship, and b) she’s doing her best to upset and control you when you’ve just given birth - I doubt you’ll be able to forgive her for that so the ‘friendship’ is doomed. She’s a twat, cut her loose.

Imagine you're back at school and you're best friends with another girl. You do everything together - but to an outsider it would be clear that the friendship was unbalanced, that the friend always got her own way, that you did the giving and she did the taking. Then a new girl joins the school and you become good friends with her, You still see the first friend, but not as often and it's a long way from being as exclusive as it was. Friend one is upset, and very annoyed that you are no longer always there to dance to her tune.

That's how this woman is seeing it. She's not appreciating that when she as an adult is friend one, and the baby is friend two, the dynamic is absolutely not the same. Even in the school scenario you would have done nothing wrong, but in this case she is being totally unreasonable. Point out to her that you were there when she needed you, in the immediate aftermath of the beak up, but now you have someone who needs you more - someone who couldn't survive if you didn't give them most of your time and energy. Explain to her that she has to be the grown up. And if she can't accept that, she'll lose your friendship.

You find out who your friends are when you have a baby. This person is not your friend. I went through a very similar experience and can't believe how much pressure I put on myself and how much blame I internalised trying to chase my tail meeting somebody else's demands for fear that they wouldn't judge me for changing. She should be supportive and understanding as you have been. I wouldn't be interested in maintaining this friendship anymore

@snowy0wl I completely agree, I'm not so stubborn as to refuse to see that I may be in the wrong, I'm not making excuses but the birth and recovery were really difficult, failed induction/epidural/instrumental finally resulting in an emcs.

I struggled to bond with my baby, and now I have, I just want to appreciate her and honestly not be without her for any good reason.

I didn't mention any of this to her because it was my problem and to an extent my partners to deal with... I do think you're right though, I think she's generally worried about loosing me as a friend.

I'm grateful for all your advice... I'm going to have to set boundaries and be the 'grown up'

She's an emotional vampire.

@LittleSweet well that's straight to the point made me laugh!

@ffiffi8 - sorry if my original message was misleading. I am not suggesting at all that you are in the wrong; I think you have gone above and beyond what was expected, especially given what you have been through. It sounds like you have been through hell - I am so sorry to hear this and you definitely don't deserve your friend's reaction on top of this. I was merely trying to offer some potential explanation for your friend's behaviour from her point of view (regardless of whether it it right or kind), since I am sure you are finding it very hurtful. Don't put too much pressure on yourself to save this friendship, but if you feel up to having a "grown up" conversation with her at least you can say you gave it the best shot you had. I have a lot of admiration for you. xx

• you gave it your best shot (bloomin' Baby Brain!)

She’s being a disgruntled, selfish shit. She liked to have you at her beck and call, but has no idea what it is to have a baby and how much work is involved - even more so after a traumatic birth & EMCS. Put yourself & your lil kiddo first in the situation at all costs and if she moans on like the child she’s acting like, bloody well call her out on her ridiculous behaviour. Congrats btw OP x

She sounds like she is living on another planet (or is just a selfish bitch)

Hi congrats on your new baby and hope you are healing well.

I echo what others have said - drop her. She is an emotional/energy vampire. She should be treating you and your new baby with respect! I had a friend like this, I was her constant "crutch" even though she has a man! I was basically looking after her whole family and the minute I stopped to take time for myself I got shit from her and I put her right in her place!! I reminded her who else looked out for her etc! Your situation with this person, you have helped her as shes "lonley" yes... more than likely a reason for that... from now on you concentrate on you and your family!! Best of luck.