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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend angry at me after new baby

122 replies

ffiffi8 · 22/08/2019 06:17

Just needed a bit of a rant/advice...

I moved a couple of years ago to a completely new area/country for my relationship which obviously meant a new job and new friends, although obviously I kept my old friends and visited as and when I could.

I made a new friend in work who was lovely, made me feel welcome at my new job etc. Over the last couple of years she's always come to my house for tea/chat etc with my partner and me and we'd often help her out as she lived alone and didn't drive, taking her shopping/letting her stay on a weekly basis because she was lonely, given her lifts and obviously fed her when she stayed or cane over, all of this we didn't mind because that's what friends do.

Here's the AIBU part....

Last night she's basically had a go at me and we argued because 8 weeks ago I had a baby, a traumatic birth to say the least and obviously contending with a newborn has obviously had an impact on friendships.

After the birth and I'm guessing this goes for any new mum, I was healing from a traumatic emergency c section, my partners and I'd relationship was suffering as all do, I felt shit about myself and my new body is getting me down, I don't have PND I'm actually so happy at the moment because this is all I've ever wanted!

AIBU that I'm a little upset that she's accusing me of making no effort when the whole new baby/first time mum thing is still new to me and she should be a little understanding of that? I realise everyone has their own problems going on by the way but she's even had a go at me for missing her birthday night out 5 weeks after a c section 

Thank you for reading and sorry it's so long!

OP posts:
ShippingNews · 22/08/2019 07:20

Don't worry that your work colleagues will judge you on this - no doubt they know what she is like . And nobody will judge because your baby comes first with you - what you are doing is normal.

It's time your friend grew up, learned how to drive and started looking after herself. You've got a real baby - you don't need a 20 year old one as well.

Deelish75 · 22/08/2019 07:21

When you have a baby so much changes. She sounds quite resentful about these changes and the fact that your baby is your number 1 priority - which your baby absolutely should be. It sounds like she's trying to punish you for it - no friend would expect anyone to walk over in the rain especially with a new born baby whilst you are still recovering.
She sounds very immature. I wouldn't worry about your work colleagues, they are probably gobsmacked at her attitude (I know I would be) Enjoy your baby and the rest of your mat leave. If she continues to behave like this it might be worth having a chat with your line manager before you return.

Original poster
ffiffi8 · 22/08/2019 07:21

By the way, I'm not the most serious person and I'm quite sensitive, I have been in the past quite immature for my age but since becoming older and having a baby I've had to become more organised and basically I've had to grow up!

At times I have expected my life to be as it was pre baby but it never will be and I really don't mind that, I thought a new baby was hard before but didn't actually realise it completely changes your life and is harder than I thought! Just going out for a coffee/lunch takes some planning.. it's all feeds and nappies and being happy about a decent poo or half a smile for the first time.

OP posts:
3dogs2cats · 22/08/2019 07:34

You sound lovely. She sounds very young and quite self centred. Please don’t apologise to her again your behaviour i# absolutely normal, and most people understand that birth and first time motherhood are life changing.
Maybe you need to nip any more cheeky fuckery in the bud. Explain that you like to see her sometimes, but she’ll need to make her own way over, and cab it home.

kalinkafoxtrot45 · 22/08/2019 07:38

She sounds rather selfish and needy. When your friends have new babies your role as a friend is to support them, not the other way round!

GCAcademic · 22/08/2019 07:40

To be honest I know it sounds odd how much we did for her but it started when she broke up with her partner and she'd had previous MH issues and to be honest I was just making sure she was ok... if it were me I'd hope a friend would do the same for me! I am the type of person who'd do for others, to the detriment of myself blush

I don’t think you were doing her a favour here, actually. What you’ve done is create dependency, which has been worse for her in the end. I don’t think this kind of one-sided relationship (at least when it starts out that way, rather than being a phase in a more long-standing friendship) ever ends well.

HermioneWeasley · 22/08/2019 07:40

Of course your baby comes first above anyone - that’s how it should be.

She sounds like a petulant toddler. “When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time”

Don’t worry about work- chances are they know what she’s like, and she’ll only make herself look bad if she’s criticising you

Congratulations on your baby and enjoy your maternity leave. They are small for such a tiny amount of time

user1493413286 · 22/08/2019 07:43

After what you’ve done for her I would have hoped she’d return the favour and look after you a bit! I think sadly some friendships don’t last when you have a baby.

Original poster
ffiffi8 · 22/08/2019 07:45

To be honest because of her MH problems I have over compensated and made sure I was available, I woke my partner up one night because she’d phoned me crying to pick her up and stay with us... I’m not begrudging it, that’s what you do, and I’d rather know she’s ok than worry she would do something silly...

Thank you everyone for your lovely advice, sometimes it's easier to talk to someone who's impartial Thanks

OP posts:
AryaStarkWolf · 22/08/2019 07:45

She needs to get a grip, you only had the baby 8 weeks ago, she sounds like a demanding teenager

Boyo7 · 22/08/2019 07:46

Your friendship sounds a bit codependent? You've obviously relished the fact that she needed you so much, and now of course things have changed. I'm not saying her behaviour is ok, but I do think you need to examine your own motives here too, have you inadvertently been using her also?

Branleuse · 22/08/2019 07:47

Any chance of telling her straight. Look, ive just had traumatic surgery and am coming to terms with the routine of a new baby, and im a bit stunned that rather than be supportive, youve basically had a go at me for not prioritising you enough. Youre going to have to give me a break here while im dealing with such a huge change of life. "

redcarbluecar · 22/08/2019 07:48

YANBU. Maybe she’s feeling a bit displaced by the new (huge) priority in your life but she’ll have to get used to it. It might be the first time one of her close friends has had a baby. Continue to try to be as clear and honest as you can with her. And congrats on your new arrival.

AngryFeminist · 22/08/2019 07:52

Similar thing happened to me - first time I ever as an adult had to basically say 'I don't want to be your friend anymore'!

Don't worry - no one at work will think badly of you and hopefully they'll give her a talking to as well!

Hope you continue to recover well and enjoy your baby

Thewheelsarefallingoff · 22/08/2019 07:53

If you were recovering from any other kind of surgery, I think your 'friend' would be a bit more understanding. People are so weird when there's a baby to look after, as well as trying to recover, they want to punish you for it. When people should be offering more help and understanding, because you have had surgery and have a baby to look after, they offer less help than they would if you'd had a different surgery. Including the actual fathers of the baby IME.

You have to prove to them that they still matter. People are despicable bell ends, really. You find out who your friends are. This woman is not one.

Original poster
ffiffi8 · 22/08/2019 08:00

@Boyo7 I've not 'relished' it, I have my faults but I'm generally a caring person, and if a friend needs me then that's what I do, I thought friends did that? My lifelong friends certainly do, unfortunately they now live hundreds of miles away!

I think to be honest, she's missing me being available and I've struggled to balance friendships/life and friends now I'm getting used to a new baby and a new life, so there is blame on both sides.

I've told her straight, but nicely... we've decided to meet and have a chat to sort it, hopefully she'll understand why I've not been available like any other person would Smile

OP posts:
Veryveryverylate · 22/08/2019 08:05

Tell her to come over and bring food. It is exhausting looking after a new born. You would appreciate some help. Mind the baby while I sleep. If you are breastfeeding, wake me up if baby wakes up. Ask her to hang some clothes. As you are tried. If she is a freind she will help you and if she is a user she will run hundred of miles away from you. She is an adult who stays a lot, so that is why I would expect a bit of help. Some people wouldn't offer and if you ask are more than happy to help. I only need to be asked once then I get very comfortable and get stuck in random occasions as it proves they are comfortable with receiving my help.

Sceptre86 · 22/08/2019 08:09

End this friendship, it seems so one sided. Work colleagues will understand that she is being unreasonable.

GruciusMalfoy · 22/08/2019 08:14

She sounds like an overgrown teenager, used to being looked after and mollycoddled by you. You need to let her know there are new boundaries, your baby naturally comes before her. You're probably going to have to be stern, if she doesn't like it she's an adult and will have to deal with it.

Apolloanddaphne · 22/08/2019 08:20

It seems now that you are the one needing help and support she is not willing to reciprocate. This is a very one sided relationship.

It might help to tell her that you cannot be there for her like you used to be as your main responsibility is to your child. However you would like her to be there for you. See what her response is?

KUGA · 22/08/2019 08:26

Jealousy springs to mind.
Just enjoy being a first time mom.
Ignore her or she`s spoiling your wonderful gift by taking up head space

redcarbluecar · 22/08/2019 08:29

Be as straight as you can with her but give her a chance. She’ll probably adapt to the new situation as time goes on. I wouldn’t end the friendship based on what you’ve said here.

Jellybeansincognito · 22/08/2019 08:33

Yanbu, she is acting like your child, not a friend.

Get rid of her!

LambBeefandHedgehog · 22/08/2019 08:34

If you’ve had a baby she should be coming to yours and bringing food.

She sounds utterly dependant on you but unfortunately you have enabled this by doing so much for her. If you read what you’ve written it sounds like some elderly relative who can’t manage. She’s in her 20s, not being able to drive doesn’t mean she can’t get around or do food shopping. How do you think everyone else copes? She’s an adult. Her loneliness isn’t your problem.

Your focus should be on you, your baby and DH. Not your friend who sounds more like a petulant teenager. It’s about time she grew up.

Years ago I had a friend who became really needy, and that increased massively over the years. I realised when I was taking her food shopping thinking, wtf am I doing?! I don’t see her anymore, it got too much when my life started to revolve around hers.

She can’t deal with the fact you have a new focus and it isn’t her. Stop feeling guilty. Your baby is your priority, as is you recovering.

SnuggyBuggy · 22/08/2019 08:37

This just sounds like take, take, take.

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