Friend angry at me after new baby

[ffiffi8]

Just needed a bit of a rant/advice...

I moved a couple of years ago to a completely new area/country for my relationship which obviously meant a new job and new friends, although obviously I kept my old friends and visited as and when I could.

I made a new friend in work who was lovely, made me feel welcome at my new job etc. Over the last couple of years she's always come to my house for tea/chat etc with my partner and me and we'd often help her out as she lived alone and didn't drive, taking her shopping/letting her stay on a weekly basis because she was lonely, given her lifts and obviously fed her when she stayed or cane over, all of this we didn't mind because that's what friends do.

Here's the AIBU part....

Last night she's basically had a go at me and we argued because 8 weeks ago I had a baby, a traumatic birth to say the least and obviously contending with a newborn has obviously had an impact on friendships.

After the birth and I'm guessing this goes for any new mum, I was healing from a traumatic emergency c section, my partners and I'd relationship was suffering as all do, I felt shit about myself and my new body is getting me down, I don't have PND I'm actually so happy at the moment because this is all I've ever wanted!

AIBU that I'm a little upset that she's accusing me of making no effort when the whole new baby/first time mum thing is still new to me and she should be a little understanding of that? I realise everyone has their own problems going on by the way but she's even had a go at me for missing her birthday night out 5 weeks after a c section 

Thank you for reading and sorry it's so long!

I haven't read the entire thread but she certainly doesn't sound like a real friend, it's all too one sided.

I do think, later on, if she has a child of her own, her attitude will be different. She'll understand.

Congratulations on your baby .

My oldest friend did this to me when DS was born- we were both 40. I think it was to punish me for having a baby. She lacked a huge amount of empathy anyway and was always exceptionally jealous but she made things v difficult, was uber critical and in the end I haven't seen her for 10 years since DS was 12 months old. You don't need drama at this time in your life.

Your friend is expecting way too much from a new mum. I thought most people would realize that when someone has a baby, friendship takes a back seat and you don't see your friend as much.
Its because she is young I think and hasn't had a child herself. I'd just explain that things are different obviously now and that your baby comes first.She sounds quite dependant and needy has she any other friends?

Indonwondernif shes one of those people who moves in on anyone new in the office that she can attach herself to? Until they do something that she perceives is unreasonable.

Would be interesting to have chats to your other colleagues.

I'm sure your colleagues must think she is an oddball

She’s a user. She’s using you and now you’ve got a little baby to look after she can’t get what she wants out of you so she’s angry. I would drop her OP. Be kind to yourself x

Dump her because she is a toxic friend and a silly bitch.
You deserve a wise friend who is mature and thoughtful about you.

I really do think it depends on how you have treated her. My friend had a baby 5 weeks ago. She told me she didn't feel up to coming round to visit for my birthday 2 weeks ago and I accepted that and understood. That afternoon a post on facebook went up of her enjoying time in a lovely restaurant with other friends after her excuse.

Similarly, I had plans yesterday (only made on Tuesday) with a friend who has children to do something nice with the kids and when I went to confirm these on Wed night, she said she was cancelling as she wished to do something with her mum friends instead and take their kids and said I could do another day even though I was unable. I was not invited even though I know these mum friends - friends without kids are held at arms length in my experience and it hurts when you do all you can to accept the challenges they face like changes to plans when its been a tough night or include the kids in plans, help them when they are struggling etc.

First of all, congratulations!

Haven’t read all the posts but I just wanted to say, a true friend, would never ever even consider for one minute, putting themselves before you or your child. Not ever. She’s clearly got issues and unfortunately, you are not in a position to support her. She should be supporting you and your partner. As you said, that’s how friendships work. I would not worry in the slightest about work etc for now. It’s likely you’re not the first one she’s shown this side to and you have different priorities now. Stress will affect your recovery. Try and put it to one side and enjoy every minute with your baby and OH.

Congratulations to you . This friend sounds a bit of a liability and very needy . I would give her a wide berth . You need supportive,helpful,kind friends who can offer you practical loving support for you and your baby .X

She's a selfish fuck pig.

Unfortunately I think you're going to have to spell it out to her that now you're a Mum you're child comes before everyone else and that's that. It sounds like you & your partner have become a bit of a comfort blanket for her but things are different now. She should be bending over backwards to help you right now & her not doing so speaks volumes. Hopefully when you sit down with her she'll be reasonable but that's on her, really. Bless you, you sound like a lovely friend and Mum.x.

I didn't mention any of this to her because it was my problem and to an extent my partners to deal with

IMHO, there are generally two types of people: one like her that make sure everyone knows about how much they are suffering and ones like you who don't like to burden others with their problems.

I had a friend like yours, though our relationship wasn't the same. She was absolutely lovely except that she used up all the charity available in our social circle because she made sure everyone knew about her problems.

You are obviously a good and kind person and I hope no-one takes that away from you, but maybe look at the people who don't shout their problems from the rooftops the next time you want to be kind.

If you haven't already done it, as soon as you feel able ( having babies takes some adjustment ), join a babysitting group nct or any groups where you meet other nuns with babies. Your angry friend must now take a back seat.

Look after yourself and your new baby who will always be your priority. A true friend would be wanting to help and looking for ways to make your life easier in the first few months whilst continuing the friendship. If the friendship is important to her she will realise that things are different and she may need to make compromises now that you have a little one and if she’s not willing then the friendship is not a true one and she’s been using you.

The baby is a new dimension on the relationship which does seem a bit one sided. Just concentrate on your own situation, if the friend is really a friend she will come to realise she has to accept the situation.

She doesn't understand why you've suddenly dropped her because she presumably doesn't have kids. No one understands before they have them how hard work it is. But it sounds to me as if she expected things off you and now she isn't getting them she's thrown her dummy out the pram . So one sided. Try to explain how hard it is & how you feel maybe , how it took its toll physically and how gruelling childbirth is and how traumatic a c section is. If she still doesn't 'get it ^' distance yourself a bit for a while or get rid xx

Maybe shes jealous u had a baby? Does she want kids? She sounds very selfish. Congrats on baby

OP. You are kind and generous.YANBU. Time for you and your family now. There's still time for friendship, just look after yourself and family right now. Then see if she's worth it. Interesting, your further thread points out that she isn't from overseas, so completely understands everything. Save your money that may treat her (prob substantial) and use for you guys.xx

any groups where you meet other nuns with babies.

Groups of nuns with babies are available in every town

@ffiffi8 you're overthinking this in terms of impact at work: she is BVU and is being a bad friend. She is the only person who will think otherwise so don't worry if she goes shooting her mouth off at work... she will just make herself look bad.

Invite her over and tell her how upset you are at her behaviour. Explain again that you're baby is only 8 weeks old you had a very traumatic birth and that you expect better from her and at the very least some understanding.

If she still doesn't get it. Cut her lose.

Worry about work when you get there.

It seems to me she is very jealous of your happiness.

Apologies for bad spelling.