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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I controlling?

122 replies

Fakehair83 · 20/08/2019 14:46

Can’t figure out if I am controlling in this situation

I am 25 weeks pregnant with twins so I am exhausted and emotional. I have a 6 DD and my partner has a DD 9.

It was meant to be his weekend this weekend with his DD and he had mentioned to me a friend of his was having a kids bday party on Saturday and anlther had said about going to watch football

His Dd can be funny about coming at weekends to stay so I said to him I’d rather know if he was gonna go out if she didn’t come and I could make different plans for
Me and my DD. He said he wasn’t going out for the football.

Anyway DD rang yday she isn’t coming to stay. And this morning DP said to me how would I feel about him going out on sat. I said it’s going back on what he had originally said and he started saying I was controlling and he didn’t want to be in a relationship like this ‘again’.

He said he never gets to see his friends anymore and I reminded him that in June he had a boys week holiday...two nights out watching football and a weekend to do his hobby at end of set coming up. Whereas I haven’t been out at all.

Am I controlling? Have I any reason to be miffed at his change of plan?

OP posts:
Andromeida59 · 20/08/2019 14:48

Honestly, I think you're being massively U. He's giving you plenty of notice. I really don't see what the issue is.

Artesia · 20/08/2019 14:51

* I said to him I’d rather know if he was gonna go out if she didn’t come and I could make different plans for Me and my DD*

But you do know- it’s only Tuesday. How much notice was he expected to give?

inwood · 20/08/2019 14:51

It's Tuesday! He's given you loads of notice. Between June and September a week holiday, two nights out and a weekend for hobby isn't much. He wont be doing anything at all once the twins arrive.

You sound very controlling, and unreasonable. Assuming he doesnt work weekends you've got Sunday and Monday to do something together.

Original poster
Fakehair83 · 20/08/2019 14:53

Yes it just feels like me and my dd were ok to do something with this weekend if he had his dd

OP posts:
Original poster
Fakehair83 · 20/08/2019 14:53

He does work weekends and does his hobby all day Saturday

OP posts:
SirJamesTalbotAndHisSpeculum · 20/08/2019 14:54

But it's only Tuesday, OP.

Get a grip.

Quartz2208 · 20/08/2019 14:55

This isn’t about you being controlling as much as feeling lowdown his list of priorities

BlueBirdGreenFence · 20/08/2019 14:55

I don't think that's a big issue. Not exactly controlling but a bit dependant. Surely the kids will be in bed most of his evening anyway. Invite a mate over or pick a film he hates and get a takeaway to yourself.

Dontsweatthelittlestuff · 20/08/2019 14:55

Yes

whatisit12345 · 20/08/2019 14:56

You are controlling and very selfish

ArkwrightsTill · 20/08/2019 14:56

YANBU - he said you would be spending time with together as a family and now he doesn’t need to entertain his DD you’re not good enough to spend time with. I understand why you’re upset.

Mylittlepony374 · 20/08/2019 14:56

You are being controlling.

Mylittlepony374 · 20/08/2019 15:01

Posted too early sorry. You are being controlling but I would wonder if it's because you don't feel valued.

Talk to him. Tell him him cancelling your plans to go out with his mates doesn't make you feel important and you just need reassurance that you are.

Drogosnextwife · 20/08/2019 15:08

I disagree, I don't think it's controlling to feel like you are coming second best. A week holiday in June, nights out and a hobby at the weekend. Do you go out much?
I bet his ex wasn't very controlling either
, sounds like he's the problem.

Laiste · 20/08/2019 15:11

I've read this twice and i'm not getting it. What has he cancelled?

On Sunday (presumably) you said to him that if he was thinking of going out next weekend if the step daughter doesn't come, could he let you know so that you could make plans for you and your DD. He said he wasn’t going out.

Then Monday (yesterday) Step daughter rang to say she wasn't coming next weekend, and DP said he was thinking of going to the football next Saturday.

You said no because it's different to what he said on Sunday and because he had a get together with his mates in June.

Is that it?

spectacularspectacular · 20/08/2019 15:20

Sorry OP but you being unreasonable - he was originally going to be busy with his DD so you wouldn't have seen him anyway. Let the poor guy go out with his friends!

Shoxfordian · 20/08/2019 15:23

You're being clingy

Original poster
Fakehair83 · 20/08/2019 15:23

I didn’t say ‘no’ I said he was going back on our original conversation about the weekend plans.

Then he started saying that I was controlling and couldn’t give him a straight answer if i would let him go or not.

I said it wasn’t my decision to make but I am annoyed that he wasn’t just honest about his thoughts when we had the convo the other day. And again he said I was being controlling.

Yesterday he complained that we hadn’t much in our joint account to last to end of month and I said I’d put money in from my savings...I put double what he puts in as he can’t afford anymore with maintance and bills. Yet isn’t finding money to go out while I’m trying to make £50 do me and DD for food and petrol for ten days

OP posts:
FudgeBrownie2019 · 20/08/2019 15:26

"Let him go or not" Is he five years old? Of course he can go. And of course you can't stop him. But this isn't control so much as being his priority - do you feel that he does make you his priority or are you just ok for entertainment when he has his DD? Because if that's how you feel, then you're not in the wrong.

LoudBatPerson · 20/08/2019 15:27

Do you not go out much as you don't want to or because you are unable to?

If you are just choosing not to, I don't think you can use that as a stick to beat him with.

I do think listing exact days out going back nearly two months ago sounds quite controlling to be honest, unless he has prevented you going out/having similar amounts of free time.

I think Tuesday is more than enough notice to be going out on Saturday. Unless we have made prior plans I often decide what to do each morning, so my DH only gets a few hours notice sometimes, and vice versa.

Original poster
Fakehair83 · 20/08/2019 15:30

I felt like we did have plans to have a family weekend this weekend after our convo whether he had DD or not

OP posts:
inwood · 20/08/2019 15:31

The very fact you have to 'let him go' is controlling.

Original poster
Fakehair83 · 20/08/2019 15:32

I hate being called controlling because it was the excuse exh gave me after he had two affairs

OP posts:
Original poster
Fakehair83 · 20/08/2019 15:33

He is the one saying about me letting him go...I said it wasn’t my decision if he goes out or not

OP posts:
LoudBatPerson · 20/08/2019 15:34

From your OP I cannot see any actual plans.

Just that is he is going out you were going to do something with your DD, but no actual plans for actually doing something.

Have you had a proper chat about how you are feeling with him?

If my DH pulled the "you're going back on what you said" card on me, when we didn't have any real plans, I had just changed my mind about doing something, I would feel pretty pissed off. It is a pretty PA way of saying I am not happy with you going out.