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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Am I controlling?

122 replies

Fakehair83 · 20/08/2019 14:46

Can’t figure out if I am controlling in this situation

I am 25 weeks pregnant with twins so I am exhausted and emotional. I have a 6 DD and my partner has a DD 9.

It was meant to be his weekend this weekend with his DD and he had mentioned to me a friend of his was having a kids bday party on Saturday and anlther had said about going to watch football

His Dd can be funny about coming at weekends to stay so I said to him I’d rather know if he was gonna go out if she didn’t come and I could make different plans for
Me and my DD. He said he wasn’t going out for the football.

Anyway DD rang yday she isn’t coming to stay. And this morning DP said to me how would I feel about him going out on sat. I said it’s going back on what he had originally said and he started saying I was controlling and he didn’t want to be in a relationship like this ‘again’.

He said he never gets to see his friends anymore and I reminded him that in June he had a boys week holiday...two nights out watching football and a weekend to do his hobby at end of set coming up. Whereas I haven’t been out at all.

Am I controlling? Have I any reason to be miffed at his change of plan?

OP posts:

Original poster

Fakehair83 · 20/08/2019 17:32

I am
Disappointed though that a ‘family’ friendly evening only suited him when his DD would be there now she’s not he’d rather a night out with the lads.

I spend a lot of time without him as he works shifts so I’m not dependent on him for entertaining me and I haven’t overlooked depended on him in this pregnancy either. Even when talking about going out to
Watch tv football I said sure bring home a takeaway after and wel watch a film together and he said when do you expect me home? And I said well I thought u were just out for the football not the whole night so around 10pm? And he laughed saying that’s too easy I’m
Never opening my mouth again about his nights out too much aggro I’ll just smile and nod next time

OP posts:

Miniloso · 20/08/2019 17:34

You need to get some perspective OP. You have twins on the way and I would want both of you to get as much freedom and down time as you possibly can before you no longer are able to when your twins are born.
Why don’t you do something nice with your daughter? She will need some Mum time too before the new arrivals come on the scene.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 20/08/2019 17:37

But you see that again is controlling. You are setting him a very early time limit to be home to spend time with you. A night out with friends is supposed to be fun and easy going not strictly timetabled to a partners agenda

AmIThough · 20/08/2019 17:42

You're being controlling by trying to make him feel guilty about spending time with his friends.

You say you had plans but you didn't.

notsohippychick · 20/08/2019 17:44

Basically, the issue is.........well there isn’t one is there?

It’s Tuesday. Do something with your daughter. Unless you are planning a round the world trip, you can do this before Saturday.

It’s just drama. I would like to say you seem to have enjoyed “tripping him up” with his decision to go back on his decision. I have a feeling you will huff about this for a while in order to make him feel bad.

Just move on. Life’s too bloody short.

notsohippychick · 20/08/2019 17:45

Why are you telling him what time to come home?

Tooner · 20/08/2019 17:45

I don't think you're being controlling at all. I think he's saying that so you won't say anything when he does what the hell he wants.
If he wanted to go to the family do when his dd was going to be there but now doesn't because its will only be the three of you and now wants to go out with his mates then he is being a shit quite frankly

Gazelda · 20/08/2019 17:46

If my DH were going to see the football, I would make other plans for myself. I wouldn't tell him to bring home a takeaway so that he and I could enjoy a film together later that evening. Can't you see that that is controlling what time you're expecting him home?

Don't shut up and say nothing/ nod etc. That very passive aggressive. Find a way to agree how much freedom you each get from each other, how much family time you both feel reasonable, etc.

And find a way to rebalance the finances, because you are obviously storing pent up frustration about that too.

Much better to get these things sorted before the babies arrive, you're going to have so much on your plate once they're born you'll likely not have the emotional energy to tackle issues and your relationship could suffer.

Tackle it now, both talking as adults with listening, honesty and compromise.

AE18 · 20/08/2019 17:48

Reading between the lines I would say he is being unreasonable.

It sounds like he jumped to call you controlling when all you were doing was having a little grumble rather than banning him from going, which you are entitled to do because he's changing plans.

I don't have a lot of sympathy for blokes who go on about never getting to see their mates when they blatantly get to spend a lot more time doing so than you do, either, it sounds like he does loads of things for himself, which is fine but no point whinging that he never gets to.

fromdownwest · 20/08/2019 17:49

'And I said well I thought u were just out for the football not the whole night so around 10pm?'

How can you not see that this is controlling, setting a curfew when he wants to spend time with his friends.

If a husband said to a wife, I expect you back at 10 am when you go out with your girl friends, he would be destroyed.

You have asked, and it appears on the whole that your behavior is deemed to be controlling. You don't think it is, so keep doing what you are doing. Rest assured, there will be a breaking point in the future, it is inevitable if you keep this level of smothering.

Original poster

Fakehair83 · 20/08/2019 17:51

If he had said to me about the football from the beginning as something he wanted to do I would have been fine with it. I am annoyed at how quickly his worrying about finances and wanting family time have changed. He doesnt ask my permission to do
Things he didn’t tell me about his weekend awAy in two weeks until three weeks ago and I didn’t say anything nor was I annoyed.

I’m also annoyed that I’m worrying about money and he is able to find £70 to head out the weekend before pay day

OP posts:

sweeneytoddsrazor · 20/08/2019 17:52

But he may not have really wanted to go to the family party at all. He may really have fancied catching up with some mates preferably with football but as he was having dd then at the party. Now he isn't having DD so he can do his catching up with some mates with the football. It's not that OP is only good enough when DD is there it was about prioritizing DD which he no longer has to do.

LizzieSiddal · 20/08/2019 17:55

I don’t think YABU.

He’s got no money.
He told you he’d go out with you and your Dd.

He’s now decided he isn’t going out with you but with his friends.

You’ve got every right to be pissed off with him.

TORDEVAN · 20/08/2019 17:57

I I don't think you're being controlling at all. I think he's saying that so you won't say anything when he does what the hell he wants.
If he wanted to go to the family do when his dd was going to be there but now doesn't because its will only be the three of you and now wants to go out with his mates then he is being a shit quite frankly

I agree with this

But, he could be feeling a bit overwhelmed at the twins, and feeling like he won’t get this time soon or everything will change soon, and not expressing it well.

AmIThough · 20/08/2019 17:58

If he's not allowed out when he's got no responsibilities god help him when the twins arrive

Shinyletsbebadguys · 20/08/2019 17:58

If I separate the money issue because I do seem to see it as different. You are being controlling by being passive aggressive and melodramatic in such a way that ok fine you haven't told him not to go and you seem to think that's all that matters.

We see men on here described as making it difficult for their partners to go out by sighing and being dramatic. Certainly by founding and saying you'll never open your mouth again is intensely childish and attention seeking.

I actually empathise because my natural tendency is based around control of my surroundings but I work very hard to be responsible about it. I am conscious that it is actually an abusive behaviour if taken across the line.

Your big thing is picking holes in the semantics because ultimately you still believe you are right and the world should see it your way. However you aren't.

Whilst I understand the comment about hormones I don't believe it does you or any woman good to write off bad behaviour due to hormones. If we choose to be taken seriously that includes pregnancy and pmt. It's not a free for all to be an arse.

I will be honest I lose any respect for passive aggressive people. If you cant have a rational direct discussion then you are already wrong.

However the money I do agree, if there is restriction in other areas of life no finding money to go out is not on. However I do think that's a separate issue.

RandomMess · 20/08/2019 18:05

I see it differently to many.

OP is honest with him

She IS disappointed that he wants to go out after saying he wouldn't. That is how she feels.

It does come across that once his DD wasn't there he wasn't fussed about spending time with his pregnant partner. I would find that hurtful.

Why isn't OP allowed to tell her partner how she feels?

The money thing, well I think he needs to grow up tbh.

HaudYerWheeshtYaWeeBellend · 20/08/2019 18:09

So what do you want him to do, if his DD is not coming, and your not going out, are you just expecting him to stay in?

Original poster

Fakehair83 · 20/08/2019 18:10

I understand people on her saying about not having his DD so that’s fine...however if I did what he done I’d be seeen as a bad step mother. He lives with my DD and goes on and on about how she is as much his priority as his biological daughter and the twins...this behaviour from him makes me not see that as true

OP posts:

Original poster

Fakehair83 · 20/08/2019 18:12

I would have liked to have went to his friends child’s party as it’s in the evening and I haven’t met his friends bar one...

OP posts:

Skittlenommer · 20/08/2019 18:12

You’re being hugely controlling!!

AmIThough · 20/08/2019 18:12

Can you tell us what your actual issue is? You bring up a different issue each time someone tells you you're being controlling.

Ravingstarfish · 20/08/2019 18:12

he didn’t tell me about his weekend awAy in two weeks until three weeks ago
So 5 weeks notice that he wanted to go away for a weekend. That’s plenty of time. Do you expect him to have a detailed itinerary of his life years in advance?
He mentioned the football, if he wasn’t interested in it he wouldn’t have brought it up. He lives with you and dd so why would saturdays be special family time? He said he wasn’t going and changed his mind, he let you know well in advance he had changed his mind.
You said you were disappointed to guilt trip him and when he still wants to go you attempt to give him a curfew by ‘suggesting’ home at 10 with takeaway.

NoBaggyPants · 20/08/2019 18:14

He sees your daughter every day, he sees his daughter occasionally. It's not wrong that he ensures he is available whenever his daughter is with you.

Do you work? You object to him working some weekends, working shifts, are you sharing the financial burden?

Ravingstarfish · 20/08/2019 18:14

I would have liked to have went to his friends child’s party as it’s in the evening
So you want him to show up and say ‘hi thanks for inviting dd who isn’t actually here but thought I’d gatecrash with the missus and another kid instead’ ?!

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