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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Am I controlling?

122 replies

Fakehair83 · 20/08/2019 14:46

Can’t figure out if I am controlling in this situation

I am 25 weeks pregnant with twins so I am exhausted and emotional. I have a 6 DD and my partner has a DD 9.

It was meant to be his weekend this weekend with his DD and he had mentioned to me a friend of his was having a kids bday party on Saturday and anlther had said about going to watch football

His Dd can be funny about coming at weekends to stay so I said to him I’d rather know if he was gonna go out if she didn’t come and I could make different plans for
Me and my DD. He said he wasn’t going out for the football.

Anyway DD rang yday she isn’t coming to stay. And this morning DP said to me how would I feel about him going out on sat. I said it’s going back on what he had originally said and he started saying I was controlling and he didn’t want to be in a relationship like this ‘again’.

He said he never gets to see his friends anymore and I reminded him that in June he had a boys week holiday...two nights out watching football and a weekend to do his hobby at end of set coming up. Whereas I haven’t been out at all.

Am I controlling? Have I any reason to be miffed at his change of plan?

OP posts:

flumpybear · 20/08/2019 18:18

Bloody hell my DH does his hobby every day,
Sometimes twice a day and often goes away at weekends whilst I'm home with our kids ... albeit I often go away with my friends sometimes
With or without the kids

It's give and take on family stuff and other stuff that's important to you, husband etc ... and I rarely get notice ... 'I want to go to the gym / sport etc tonight I'll be 3 hours ... ok!
Or going away with scouting trip for 5 days ... fine with me

RightYesButNo · 20/08/2019 18:26

I think you’re being a bit controlling. But this seems a LOT bigger. You sound like you both are completely different types of communicators and I foresee this causing problems about a lot more than the football, unless it gets sorted. For example, you started a thread about the football and have already indicated during it that you have problems about: his contact with his DD and the sleepovers, where he places you on his priority list, how he handles finances, and then obviously differing views over whether you’re controlling (ultimately, it doesn’t matter what any of US think - it’s the fact that you two don’t agree). That’s just one thread.

How long have you been together? You say you haven’t met his friends, except one, and you don’t communicate well. It’s possible that the pregnancy could just be putting more pressure on a long-term relationship and showing you his true colors. The finances and the surprise of having twins (which is usually a shock for people) could both be stressors, too. But I don’t say this to be cruel, based on his behavior, I would be really shocked if you’ve been together more than a year or so. Saying he thinks the world of you and your DD but putting his mates first is fairly early (and not very nice) relationship behavior. I’m sorry, because it may not improve.

EileenAlanna · 20/08/2019 18:27

You're not controlling, or unreasonable.
He's not so much asking your permission to go out but permission for him to blow your money on his social life with his mates, only one of whom you've even met. He doesn't pay his way, you're subsidising him with your wages & your savings.

Original poster

Fakehair83 · 20/08/2019 18:30

The party was an invite for all four of us

I didn’t feel me being disappointed at him changing our plans meant I was controlling. Especially when I had asked him in the original convo may he change his mind if DD doesn’t come and he said no. I just think that if you make plans with someone you stick to them you don’t ditch when a better opportunity arises I wouldn’t do it to friends or my partner. But I’m controlling so I have a lot of thinking to do

OP posts:

RedWoollyHat · 20/08/2019 18:35

My DP has a daughter who stays with us for part of the week. She's 10 and we have a DD as well who is 5. His daughter's mum often changes arrangements/plans at short notice. On one occasion the arrangements changed and his DD was no longer coming to stay. We had planned to go out for the day (nothing particularly exciting - lunch, a walk, etc) but when he learned his DD wasn't coming he then arranged an impromptu night out to the pub with his mates, which is fine mildly annoying, except that when he told me he said that he'd arranged it "now that I don't have any responsibilities". It felt like DD and I were low on his priorities/got dropped for a better offer. I wondered OP if maybe it feels a bit like that? have never let him forget the "any responsibilities" remark

Original poster

Fakehair83 · 20/08/2019 18:38

That’s exactly it!!!!

OP posts:

Croquembou · 20/08/2019 18:47

Spoke to him there and said that I don’t mind him going out I was disappointed he didn’t see time with me and dd the same as he seen with me and both dds.

Hahaha, 'I don't mind you going out, it's fine, you don't love me or my child, have fun!!!'

adaline · 20/08/2019 18:58

I don't know why you're getting such a hard time here.

I get it. You were good enough to go out with when his DD was coming, but as soon as she cancelled, he dropped you for a better offer. That's a really shitty way to behave. I've had it happen to me before and it really hurts.

You mentioned about the takeaway presumably to salvage some of your original plans so you still actually got to see him, and it hurts that his priorities go his DD, his mates, you and your DD.

swingofthings · 20/08/2019 18:59

Fhe didn’t tell me about his weekend awAy in two weeks until three weeks ago and I didn’t say anything nor was I annoyed*
Surely that's much more disrespectful. That's an entire weekend, quite different to one evening.

The truth is that you were looking forward to going to the party and show his friends his new family. You are massively disappointed that he doesn't feel that same sense of pride and takes me you feel rejected.

You're reading too much into it. He wasn't as keen maybe because this kind of gathering is not what excites him and spending a relaxed evening, watching football in comfy clothes, talking rubbish and not caring about making a good impression is much more endearing at the moment. I bet he'll be all different when the twins are born and will want to show his twins, lovely partner and his new perfect family any chance he gets. Right now though, he prefers enjoying his last few moments of being just a lad.

Lifeisabeach09 · 20/08/2019 19:00

I get you, OP.
You barely spend any Saturdays together and your partner wants to spend them with his friends. This, in addition to his week away plus a couple of nights and upcoming hobby weekend, doesn't exactly leave the mother of his gestating twins, feeling prioritised.
Added to which, it's been ages since you've been out.
I'd resent the fucker too.

gamesanddaisychains · 20/08/2019 19:01

You are not controlling, or unreasonable. If anything, it is he who is controlling and unreasonable.

He is not reliable, he is letting you down when you are looking forward to a family outing, and dropping you for his friends. He has arranged another weekend away in 3 weeks time but has no money. He relies on you for financial support.

I wonder how supportive he will be when your twins arrive, I would worry that you and your children will come second to his social arrangements even then.

Jux · 20/08/2019 19:13

I am upset that me and my DD are only good enough to be with if his DD is there.

That's what you need to say to him. And tell him you'd like to go to the party with him.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 20/08/2019 19:23

I have just read your other thread and apologise in advance if this comes acriss as sounding harsh because it isnt meant to be but I am struggling to word it correctly if that makes sense. You seem to have a very conventional view of partnerships/ friendships (which isn't a bad thing) and seem uncomfortable with any variation on this. It was interesting that you turned down a wedding invitation from friends of your exh because the OW was going to be there and also how you say you didn't like seeing her in your place in the photos. I think maybe you and DP need to talk about what you both expect and want from this relationship.

BuildBuildings · 20/08/2019 19:24

Sounds like you are quite low down on his list of priorities op.

gamesanddaisychains · 20/08/2019 19:55

Ravingstarfish

I would have liked to have went to his friends child’s party as it’s in the evening
So you want him to show up and say ‘hi thanks for inviting dd who isn’t actually here but thought I’d gatecrash with the missus and another kid instead’ ?!

No ehere does it say that the invitation was for Partner's DD. I would imagine the invitation was for the family, it just happened to be the weekend Partner's DD was there.

Sandybval · 20/08/2019 19:55

But surely he has to spend time with DD when she visits, otherwise what would the point of her coming to see her dad be? There seems to be several issues here- the spending money, the fact his DD visits, the fact that he wants to spend time with his friends now and then, the fact that although it's only Tuesday you feel that isn't enough time to make plans for Saturday. I hope you can resolve them, I think you are being a bit controlling to be honest, underridden by some genuine concerns and maybe resentment. Either way hope you can sort it :)

Robin2323 · 20/08/2019 20:22

*I don’t think YABU.

He’s got no money.
He told you he’d go out with you and your Dd.

He’s now decided he isn’t going out with you but with his friends.

You’ve got every right to be pissed off with him.*

This.
If you say you're going to do something you follow through.
If not it's just plan rude.

You are not bring controlling.

Just setting healthy boundaries.

Anyone would be upset if this had happened then x

ASundayWellSpent · 20/08/2019 20:29

In our house its a case of whoever gets plans on the planner first. No "allowing" or not involved. I can see why you might not like his DD staying over incase she gets homesick etc but apart from that you are definitely being controlling and I wouldn't want to be in a relationship like that either to be honest

Original poster

Fakehair83 · 20/08/2019 20:40

I love his DD staying over...I am annoyed that he’s not pushing for more access is what I meant because I don’t want his DD to feel like she is not part of our family I’m always asking him to ask can we bring her for dinner after school on the weeks he doesn’t have her and with the issues that have arisen recently between him and his exp I have been told it’s not my business. My advice has been to go the legal route as with holding contact is not fair on DD or him

OP posts:

Louiselouie0890 · 20/08/2019 21:01

I think your over thinking it. I dont think you mean less to him than his DD. I think he has to spend time with his DD as she doesn't live with him that's what shes staying over for. So I think when she cancelled and he lives with you guys sees you guys all the time then he thought hed have chance to go with his mates. Bit like my hubby thinking daytime with the kids in tow is the same as our "OUR TIME", its not.

You coming across as though hes not allowed to change his mind is what's controlling. Do you not have another day that you can do something together. Sounds like you didn't have set plans so he thought hed see what youd say about him going out. Then you just made him feel guilty so now he probably feels pushed into a corner.

YANBU to be upset but you have over thought it in your head and made it all very dramatic. I do not think it has anything to do with you being less than his DD.

That being said I do not know the ins and outs of your relationship only you do.

Ravingstarfish · 20/08/2019 23:59

gamesanddaisychains
I assumed by the ‘I haven’t met his friends bar one’ and ‘his friends party’ etc that it was his friends child’s party and with his dd not attending he didn’t feel he had to go.

Illstartexercisingtomorrow · 21/08/2019 00:07

I don’t think you are controlling OP.

Perfectly reasonable to expect your dp to have a family day as planned, even if dd9 didn’t come.

Bloody disrespectful of him to behave as if you and dd6 are not good enough.

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