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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I controlling?

122 replies

Fakehair83 · 20/08/2019 14:46

Can’t figure out if I am controlling in this situation

I am 25 weeks pregnant with twins so I am exhausted and emotional. I have a 6 DD and my partner has a DD 9.

It was meant to be his weekend this weekend with his DD and he had mentioned to me a friend of his was having a kids bday party on Saturday and anlther had said about going to watch football

His Dd can be funny about coming at weekends to stay so I said to him I’d rather know if he was gonna go out if she didn’t come and I could make different plans for
Me and my DD. He said he wasn’t going out for the football.

Anyway DD rang yday she isn’t coming to stay. And this morning DP said to me how would I feel about him going out on sat. I said it’s going back on what he had originally said and he started saying I was controlling and he didn’t want to be in a relationship like this ‘again’.

He said he never gets to see his friends anymore and I reminded him that in June he had a boys week holiday...two nights out watching football and a weekend to do his hobby at end of set coming up. Whereas I haven’t been out at all.

Am I controlling? Have I any reason to be miffed at his change of plan?

OP posts:
steff13 · 20/08/2019 16:22

*You are being controlling but I would wonder if it's because you don't feel valued.

I don't know that I've ever seen this as an excuse for a man who's being controlling. It's usually just, "he's controlling, LTB."

Ravingstarfish · 20/08/2019 16:23

But he spends most of his free time with you and dd and even more of his time when twins arrive. It’s not a big issue, plans change and it’s not like he’s off to Ibiza for two weeks with no notice, it’s just football on one day and you’ve had lots of notice so you can arrange to do whatever.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 20/08/2019 16:24

Why do you not see your friends OP

Summerunderway · 20/08/2019 16:25

You need to chill op. 2 dc for now, 4 soon - you will be demented trying to plan so strictly....

AryaStarkWolf · 20/08/2019 16:30

I’m not jealous of his DD im actually annoyed isn’t being done to sort out the sleepover situation but I’m told it’s not my business

It was this post made me think that :

I am upset that me and my DD are only good enough to be with if his DD is there.

RedForShort · 20/08/2019 16:33

I don't know that I've ever seen this as an excuse for a man who's being controlling. It's usually just, "he's controlling, LTB."
Probably because there's different reasons for being controlling, and more often than not with men it's not because they are pregnant and feel undervalued .

FrogsAreMean · 20/08/2019 16:34

Fuck off is she being "controlling and selfish"!

He said he would spend time with her and both daughters and now his daughter has dropped out he doesn't want to spend that time with her!

HE IS THE MASSIVE TWAT

Original poster
Fakehair83 · 20/08/2019 16:36

Ok so I’m being controlling...can anyone explain how I am when I’m not stopping him from going out??? I genuinely don’t get it

OP posts:
whattodowith · 20/08/2019 16:37

Why doesn’t his daughter want to spend time with her Dad?

AryaStarkWolf · 20/08/2019 16:40

Ok so I’m being controlling...can anyone explain how I am when I’m not stopping him from going out??? I genuinely don’t get it

"Stopping him going out" in a relationship usually means guilting the other person into not going out by expressing dissatisfaction in their choice to do so, not actually saying "You're not allowed go out"

steff13 · 20/08/2019 16:41

Probably because there's different reasons for being controlling, and more often than not with men it's not because they are pregnant and feel undervalued.

It's not fair to say more often than not it's because men don't feel undervauled - there's no way you could possibly know that.

Is pregnancy an excuse for bad behavior? I've never thought so.

My point is, when a women describes her partner as being controlling, no one jumps in with, "maybe he's feeling undervalued." If it's legitimate for a woman, it's legitimate for a man.

SunniDay · 20/08/2019 16:41

You may not be "stopping him going out" but you sound like you will be cross with him if he does. So "I'm not stopping you going out" (but I am guilt tripping you about it).
Think of something you would like to do for yourself soon and arrange it. Treat yourself (to the time) before the babies arrive.

Ravingstarfish · 20/08/2019 16:44

Ok so I’m being controlling...can anyone explain how

It’s not about going out. It’s about expecting him to make and keep commitments a week in advance and getting mardy with him if he changes his mind

sweeneytoddsrazor · 20/08/2019 16:44

As explained by@Arya. You don't have to actually say no you can't go, complaining its a change of plan, making lists of all the times he does go and going on about how you never go all contributes to somebody feeling guilty about going, staying home out of guilt, and ultimately resentment.

HaileySherman · 20/08/2019 16:45

I think he's trying to paint you as controlling, by saying things like "will you let me go?" As if it's up to you. You're entitled to be disappointed if you had thought you'd have a family weekend and he changed that. Especially if you feel like you're a lower priority. I do thing he's giving you plenty of warning, but it doesn't seem like that's the issue. But for him to label your natural reaction of being disappointed as being controlling, i think verges on gaslighting.

baubled · 20/08/2019 17:01

I don't think you're being controlling, he's said you'll spend the day as a family and then changed his mind.

Fair enough if you have every weekend together but one out of six and he would rather spend time with his pals? I would be disappointed and annoyed too (Unless you can swap to Sunday)

My DP is out all the time and does as he pleases without resistance but if he's committed to a family day then I expect that to stick unless there's good reason.

SilverySurfer · 20/08/2019 17:04

It's obvious from your drip feeds that you aren't prepared to accept that you may be controlling.

He had a week away in June, two nights watching football and a weekend doing his hobby - it doesn't seem excessive to me. Telling you today is hardly last minute - it would have been different if he had told you on Friday. The fact that you haven’t been out at all is your own choice or presumably due to your pregnancy. No doubt you can make up for lost time after you have given birth.

Personally I've never enjoyed being in a relationship with a limpet, adults need to be themselves and do their own thing occasionally.

.

Original poster
Fakehair83 · 20/08/2019 17:06

Spoke to him there and said that I don’t mind him going out I was disappointed he didn’t see time with me and dd the same as he seen with me and both dds. He then said he won’t be going out as I have took the whole shine off it. I just feel now I can’t have an opinion on anything

OP posts:
Ravingstarfish · 20/08/2019 17:08

said that I don’t mind him going out I was disappointed
So guilt tripped him into cancelling.

AryaStarkWolf · 20/08/2019 17:10

I don’t mind him going out I was disappointed he didn’t see time with me and dd the same as he seen with me and both dds

But don't you see why he might see it that way considering he doesn't live with her and by the sounds of it she often pulls out of coming to stay with you, he probably misses her alot and on top of that he probably feels like its his responsibility not to go out if his DD is there because otherwise he's expecting you to babysit her

sweeneytoddsrazor · 20/08/2019 17:11

You have guilt tripped him. You may as well have said no I do not want you to go. Because actually that is what you mean however you dress it up.

EKGEMS · 20/08/2019 17:18

Oh please the man shouldn't be going out when he cannot support his family financially he needs a second job or a better job than what he's got especially with numerous children to support in my opinion

swingofthings · 20/08/2019 17:19

The problem is your reliance on him to entertstupn you and keep you company. He loves you but he doesn't need to spend as much time with you as you need him. He has friends whose company he also very much enjoys. Some men are happy once in a committed relationship to consider themselves an item and doing all or most of everything together. Others, like your OH still consider themselves as one entitity who loves to spend time with you but also enjoys his time without you, maybe because then he can be another persona thst is also part of who he is but can't act up as much with you (boys will be boys kind of behaviour).

You need to really find a middle way whereas he doesn't feel suffocated yet you don't feel neglected. Decide how much quality time a week would make you feel contented. At the same time, maybe you need to see about spending time with your own friends too.

This is going to become much more an issue once the babies are there, you'll need to be clear both of you how much time both of you can have for yourself whilst clearly focusing on your new family as a priority.

dottiedodah · 20/08/2019 17:27

As you are 6 months pregnant with twins .I would say you are entitled to feel a bit hormonal/emotional TBH!.That said ,he did ask you if you were OK with him going out on the Saturday.Its BH this W/E so you will still have Sunday and Monday together .Let him go out with his chums and when Babes arrive you will probably both be too tired for a while !

fromdownwest · 20/08/2019 17:32

The fact that you said that you were dissapointed is a passive aggressive way of making him feel guilty for spending time with his friends.

He probably doesn't see them more often, as dealing with the guilting and inevitable fallout is not worth it for him. Having a healthy relationship with both of your friends, and time apart is key to a healthy relationship.

Sadly, if you keep this up, you know where this ends up.