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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I controlling?

122 replies

Fakehair83 · 20/08/2019 14:46

Can’t figure out if I am controlling in this situation

I am 25 weeks pregnant with twins so I am exhausted and emotional. I have a 6 DD and my partner has a DD 9.

It was meant to be his weekend this weekend with his DD and he had mentioned to me a friend of his was having a kids bday party on Saturday and anlther had said about going to watch football

His Dd can be funny about coming at weekends to stay so I said to him I’d rather know if he was gonna go out if she didn’t come and I could make different plans for
Me and my DD. He said he wasn’t going out for the football.

Anyway DD rang yday she isn’t coming to stay. And this morning DP said to me how would I feel about him going out on sat. I said it’s going back on what he had originally said and he started saying I was controlling and he didn’t want to be in a relationship like this ‘again’.

He said he never gets to see his friends anymore and I reminded him that in June he had a boys week holiday...two nights out watching football and a weekend to do his hobby at end of set coming up. Whereas I haven’t been out at all.

Am I controlling? Have I any reason to be miffed at his change of plan?

OP posts:
AryaStarkWolf · 20/08/2019 15:37

YABU, I can understand why he would feel more obligated originally not to go out with friends for two reasons 1 because he would be leaving his pregnant g/f look after his child along with her own while he goes out and 2 he only has limited access to his DD so he'd be giving up part of that to go out. Now that she isn't coming I can see why he might feel like he can go out with his friends instead.

SmellbowSpaceBowl · 20/08/2019 15:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Shoxfordian · 20/08/2019 15:38

If he's the second man to say you're being controlling then maybe you are

SmellbowSpaceBowl · 20/08/2019 15:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

fromdownwest · 20/08/2019 15:40

You are literally listing to him and counting when he has had time with his friends outside of the family home, you are being super controlling.

Flip the script and people would be telling you to run for the hills.

How very kind of you to 'let him go' - horrible behavior that will ultimate manifest into a very unhappy relationship.

Original poster
Fakehair83 · 20/08/2019 15:41

The reason I didn’t think I was being controlling was because I didn’t say he couldn’t go out. I am upset that me and my DD are only good enough to be with if his DD is there.

Also he has worked last two Saturdays he’s off this then working the next two then away for the weekend. So spending one Saturday with me out of six I didn’t think was unreasonable

OP posts:
Original poster
Fakehair83 · 20/08/2019 15:42

Again he said let him go NOT me

OP posts:
dollydaydream114 · 20/08/2019 15:42

I don't know if controlling is the right word but I do think you're being clingy and inflexible.

All this talk of 'going back on what he said' is really disproportionate. People shouldn't need to plan everything a week in advance and people can change their minds on things. It's only Tuesday and he's given you several days' notice for the weekend.

Also 'He went away with friends in June' is hardly a reason for him not to go out for one night with them two months later.

If you'd made plans to, say, go to the theatre or meet up with some other friends as a couple, then yes, it would be annoying for him to want to change his mind, but you were just going to stay in really it's not that big a deal for him to go out if he's got the opportunity. You can still do something with your DD as you had originally thought you would anyway.

I think it's incredibly inflexible, basically, and a bit suffocating, to say that someone can't possibly ever suggest a different plan to one that was discussed, or that a Tuesday is too short notice to tell you about something really inconsequential is happening on Saturday. I would honestly struggle to be with someone who didn't allow any kind of spontaneity about what we did at weekends.

Shoxfordian · 20/08/2019 15:42

There's no indication that the op is in an abusive relationship. All I was doing was pointing out if more than one person has said she acts in a certain way then maybe she does. It obviously doesn't excuse her ex cheating on her.

Laiste · 20/08/2019 15:42

Well there's a lot to pick over here. Finances ect. But sticking with the thrust of you not wanting to be called 'controlling':

I can understand why you're touchy about being called controlling if it's what your ex husband accused you of being. However your DP is his own person and he's using his own language.

Are you being controlling? Well, you say

''I am annoyed that he wasn’t just honest about his thoughts when we had the convo the other day.''

Was he being 'dishonest' about his thoughts or has he just changed his mind and fancies going to the football on Sat? Will he be home with you on Sunday?

''I felt like we did have plans to have a family weekend this weekend''.

Not sure what the whole convo was, but it doesn't sounds as if this was a firm plan which he's cancelled.

NoSauce · 20/08/2019 15:42

You asked him to met you know if he was doing anything if his DD wasn’t coming, he did? What’s the problem?

dollydaydream114 · 20/08/2019 15:44

I am upset that me and my DD are only good enough to be with if his DD is there.

I'm sorry, but that's a really melodramatic reaction to someone wanting to go out with friends.

HeyMonkey · 20/08/2019 15:45

Well, if you didn't already have plans with him, and he doesn't have his DD I don't see what the problem is?

It's not like you had a pre-arranged night with him and he's cancelling on you.

It does sound like you feel he should discuss his plans with you before making them.

Original poster
Fakehair83 · 20/08/2019 15:47

Ok so this is how the convo basically went...

DP- bills daughters party is on sat evening kids can go we could bring the girls...Simon was saying about going to watch the football but I’m not fussed.

Me- ok well we could go to the party but if your DD isn’t coming this weekend are you gonna want to go out to watch the football

DP- no

Me- are you sure because if you are gonna change your mind if she doesn’t come I’d rather know so I can make plans for me and my DD

DP- no I’m not going out to watch the football if DD doesn’t come well either go to the party of do something else

OP posts:
LoudBatPerson · 20/08/2019 15:48

The reason I didn’t think I was being controlling was because I didn’t say he couldn’t go out. I am upset that me and my DD are only good enough to be with if his DD is there.

^ I think this might be partially his issue. You may not have said he couldn't go, but you have made him feel uncomfortable about going, by using the whole "going back on what you said" thing. You have made it clear you are not happy with him going without actually saying "you can't go". The message is still the same.

Have you actually told him you are feeling he doesn't spend enough time with you and your DD? Does he know you are upset about the amount of family time you are all having? Or does he think you are just upset because he is out with friends?

If he doesn't actually know what is upsetting you, it's easy to see why he feels controlled.

SeaSaltandLime · 20/08/2019 15:56

How long have you been together? It sounds as though you are on totally different wavelengths.

YABVU but I suspect (hope) you know that. Please don't use pregnancy as an excuse to be controlling - it's nothing to do with the fact that you're carrying babies.

You've been given plenty of 'notice' - not that he should even need to mention it in any way, other than to let you know that he's going.
It's still perfectly acceptable for you and your DD to do something together while he's out.

Laiste · 20/08/2019 15:56

OK. So there was lose plans to do something together if DSD pulled out.

The this morning ''DP said to me how would I feel about him going out on sat. I said it’s going back on what he had originally said''

and he said you're being controlling. ect ect.

Could it be how you're wording it? It sounds daft and petty but both DH and i get a bit snappy if we're talked down to by the other. We're both a little careful how we word things to each other. Sounds awful but it's really not. It's easy - i know what phrases wind him up and vise versa. If i said to DH he was ''going back on what he'd said'' it would make him get a bit shirty. I know it would.

Laiste · 20/08/2019 15:59

Also wanted to ask - much is being made of Saturdays here. Working Saturdays and football Saturdays. What about the Sundays? Is he with you for those?

AryaStarkWolf · 20/08/2019 16:03

Op it sounds a little bit like you're jealous of his DD, he has limited time with her so it's understandable that he would prioritise time with her when she's with him

sweeneytoddsrazor · 20/08/2019 16:07

You have listed a fairly small number of occasions over the course of 4 months where he has seen his friends. And then added that you haven't been out. Why havent you been out. If he hasn't stopped you and it is your own free choice then you have no need to reference it.

Thornhill58 · 20/08/2019 16:14

I personally wouldn't care if he wanted to see his friend as very soon you'll have your hands super full. Neither of you will ever see anybody for a while.
Have a great day with your DD and he can enjoy his day too.

whattodowith · 20/08/2019 16:18

Biggest issue for me is his DD’s reluctance to stay with her Dad, why is this? Do you and your DD get along with her or does she feel pushed out?

Vesperia · 20/08/2019 16:19

OP I don't want to be mean but if people keep saying your controlling maybe your controlling?

Your example above - if I was in your position i'd more than likely have a bit of a go & be extremely pissed off so I do understand but then again, I am controlling Smile

Original poster
Fakehair83 · 20/08/2019 16:21

I’m not jealous of his DD im actually annoyed isn’t being done to sort out the sleepover situation but I’m told it’s not my business

OP posts:
RedForShort · 20/08/2019 16:22

It's not as simple as the OP being selfish and controlling.

It sounds like an unhappy relationship, you do not feel appreciated and low on his priorities.

Was the pregnancy planned? (You don't have to actually answer that btw - it's your business.) If it wasn't I can only assume that you feel you're life has been restricted and his hasn't. Hard to not to feel resentful of someone who commitment to a change in life is optional, when your change isn't. This situation can make you behave in a controlling way.

I'd suggest in future don't have alternative plans in case his daughter doesn't come (and so he doesn't spend time with you). Make the alternative plans your actual plans, he and his daughter can slot into them instead

(I'd also strongly recommend not losing contact with your friends btw. Don't only socialise together with his.)