To ask whether it is usual for married people in their 30s to have friends staying the night?

[noclue2]

My husband insists there is nothing unusual about wanting his friends (not our shared friends) to stay the night every so often, even though we're married and in our 30s. I usually need to get out of the way. No DC yet.

AIBU to think this isn't usual? Not saying it's a problem when it's only every so often, but I do think it's a bit unnecessary, especially when his friends only live half an hour away.

Your DH Has shitty friends and he is shitty to let them treat you in this manner.

I would flat out tell him that this is your home. And if you had friends around that were rude and disdainful and pretended he wasn't there, they wouldn't still be your friends.

YOu are judged by the company you keep I don't judge your DH highly, OP.

We have friends living a few hours away that we stay with as a couple sometimes, but she was originally my friend and although I really like him, when I stay at hers for a girlie weekend with the others from our uni days, I prefer it when he isn't there. Not because I don't like him, I do, but because it changes the dynamic a bit. When I'm with the girls it's better when there are no men.
When my Dh and I stay with them as a couple, then it's a couple weekend and different.

I think we all feel that which is why we often do hotel/apartment weekends now.

Do you have an open plan living room and kitchen? I ask because if my DH had a mate over gaming in the front room I’d probably be in the kitchen doing some batch cooking, or laundry or tidying, or maybe sitting at the kitchen table reading etc. If you only have your bedroom to go to I can see if might feel a bit like being a teenager who has been sent to her room.

But staying out all night is odd- presumably the mate doesn’t sleep in your room?

I don't find any of that normal tbh. We've had loads of people stay over, but that would be couples or families who live over an hour away and come to stay with us for the weekend or a few days in the holidays, not local friends who sleep over for the night instead of bothering to go back to their own houses!

As for wanting you to leave the house, that's ridiculous! I'm sure you're perfectly capable of entertaining yourself for an evening without wandering in and trying to engage them in conversation while they're trying to play their games fgs!

If is any consolation my husband does this - has his mate over and watches shit TV, they have a drink and his mate goes in the morning (after slobbing in the living room for a few hours)- he lives about 40 mins away.
I do think it’s a bit teenage, especially now his mate has a girlfriend, I invited them round for dinner the other day but he didn’t want to bring her!
If it’s any consolation, it seems to happen less and less now we have a toddler and that the friend has a partner - he’ll grow out of it.

I've only ever been polite, I've sometimes done food for them

OK it's becoming clearer - so they ignore you and act like you're a pattern on the wallpaper, but you dutifully scurry around making food for them. And you're on your best behaviour. Nice.

@noclue2 You are not being unreasonable. Your DH is behaving like a single man. It's fine to have friends round but they should bugger off at a reasonable time. Either they book a cab if they have been drinking, or don't drink. Living a few miles away ought to make either of those feasible.

You need to put your foot down. Tell your DH you are not happy with this arrangement and agree a 'home time' for his friends.

If he doesn't agree, then I'd make myself known to them and sit in on whatever they are doing.

I'd also question the whole marriage if he knows you are unhappy and is not willing to compromise.

I stay at my friends house overnight, he lives on the next street but we have gaming nights. Both in our 30s

It seems like he wants the best of both worlds, marriage and single life at the same time.

I wouldn't bank on him growing out of it.

And who does he think he is, ignoring your discomfort??

I stay at my friends house overnight, he lives on the next street but we have gaming nights. Both in our 30s

Why do you do this? Isn't that a bit odd when your own home is so close?

And does he have a wife who feels a bit put out?

early thirties, we have kids stay over all the time, joint friends, DP's friends or mine? not unusual, some of them live across the country, some of them live in the same city, we have spare rooms why not use them and make a weekend of it haha

by kids i meant friends!!!! not kids god that sounds weird

Mid/late 30s. I stay over at friends' houses and they at mine once every couple of months or so. I have sofa beds and a spare room so that people can stay.

I'd find it much harder to be made to feel unwelcome in my own home. I play board games with my friends and partner. We share friends now to be honest

IMO the thing that's wrong with this situation is that your husband's friends sound like dicks. I'd be happy for my partner to have his friends over for games night; I'd either take myself off upstairs (quite happily) with my laptop, or hang out in the room with them doing my own thing, because he wouldn't be friends with people who treat me like that.

I would never expect to be made to feel unwelcome in my own home.
I've been married a long time and this has never happened nor would my DH ever create such a situation

It's quite usual especially if friends live far away and are passing though your area. Of course, it depends on the extent of it: one night is pretty common; several weeks would be less so! What does seem strange is the expectation that you should get out of the way. Is that your dh's expection or your own?

I’ve never stayed at a friend as an adult and never had an overnight guest but I don’t think it’s a problem and probably is normal

Ag, so it's DH that's the problem not his mates. @messolini9 nailed the response:

*"No mate, 'cos I live here.
Also no because I do not need to be segregated from your mates like I'm contagious or living under Sharia Law. What are you like, you eejit!?"

• the last bit in a fond & smiley tone, so he sees what a twerp he's being.*

I think we all feel that which is why we often do hotel/apartment weekends now.

Ha ha, classic MN, where "we all" simply assume everyone has ample funds for hotel/apartments every weekend we want to meet up with friends :)

Not that I'm not pleased for those that do, but this maybe explains why a fair few pp on the thread seems to feel it's odd to have friends over for the weekend once you hit the advanced old age of 30 ...

the reason the H would rather she went elsewhere is because she keeps barging into the room tutting and making silly remarks

Don't be daft @ReanimatedSGB.
OP is coming across as so mild-mannered she won't even reprimand the boorish behaviour of DH-mates who are unable to make eye contact with her or return her friendly "hi".

Far from silly remarking, she's holed up in her bedroom, imagining herself "unreasonable" for not wishing to comply with DH's oh-so-kindly-meant-&-only-for-her-own-good-you-know preference that she arranges to vacate her own home for the entire night.

I don't think there's any barging going on either.
Although even in the unlikely event if there were, it's her own feckin' living room. She can enter it in any style she chooses, wearing a feather boa & clown suit if she wishes.

I'm baffled as to how anyone could feel this thread is somehow a call to arms for male entitlement apologists.

I wouldn't be into it unless they were visiting from far away.

But just crashing here, like we're students? No. I need my space.

I was asking about it because it seemed to me a possible explanation for why the H didn't want her there on what she describes as rare and infrequent gaming nights rather than her being shooed out of the house like a stinky cat on a weekly basis.

A lot of people hate computer games and adults who play them, in the usual small-minded unimaginative way of people with no interests of their own, and it was possible that the OP felt and showed contempt for her H and his friends which made them uncomfortable.