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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask whether it is usual for married people in their 30s to have friends staying the night?

149 replies

noclue2 · 20/08/2019 13:04

My husband insists there is nothing unusual about wanting his friends (not our shared friends) to stay the night every so often, even though we're married and in our 30s. I usually need to get out of the way. No DC yet.

AIBU to think this isn't usual? Not saying it's a problem when it's only every so often, but I do think it's a bit unnecessary, especially when his friends only live half an hour away.

OP posts:
matahairyy · 20/08/2019 13:15

Put them in a room playing the game and sit in another? He sounds about 14 tbh

matahairyy · 20/08/2019 13:15

Slumber party. Wtaf

StrumpersPlunkett · 20/08/2019 13:16

No unusual in our family, I meet up with my friends from school each 6 months we take it in turns to stay at each other’s homes. The husbands try to stay out of the way so we can feel free to do as we please.
Dh has friends over as well. We have been married 20 years.

happycamper11 · 20/08/2019 13:17

Before I even read your update I was about to ask if they were gamers.They are there to play not to chat so don't be too offended by the lack of convo. I can't think of anything worse than watching grown men playing computer games so I'd take my self off to my room with a great box set and snacks, but yes this is fairly normal.

Flerkin · 20/08/2019 13:18

Not odd at all.

Also not odd to go out of the way.

I socialise with my best friend and our dps. However, if we were doing something that only me and my best friend were interested in then our dps probably would disappear out of the way.

Usually upstairs to watch sports. Or they go out together.

Me and best friend have disappeared when our dps and friends get together to play cards. Not our bag. She stayed at mine and dp stayed at hers. We could all have a drink and not worry about costs for cabs.

I dont think this is that unusual.

OverpricedFloorCushion · 20/08/2019 13:20

I was going to say it seems normal enough but then our friends live further afield and crash here rather than forking out for a hotel.

My DP is the opposite of yours though and tries to involve me even if I'm not interested... I wouldn't object to a night reading in my room or whatever to give them space.

dreichhighlands · 20/08/2019 13:21

It isn't odd and if they are doing a specific interest then not involving you isn't actually that odd.
I would float around doing my own thing in this situation, have a long bath, read in the bedroom etc.

Original poster
noclue2 · 20/08/2019 13:23

Thanks @happycamper11 - I think this is much the situation I find myself in! I understand why they want to do their own thing, just feels a bit awkward.

The staying over is only occasional, my DH is generally a good egg, and he doesn't see his friends often even without staying over because we're pretty busy. I don't have an issue with it, just thought it was odd. But then I don't drink much, and my friends are very local.

Just before bed the other night we were talking about it, and whether it is usual or not. It appears that the 'staying over' in itself is usual, but perhaps the expecting your partner to be out of the house or out of the way is not. So we're both being a bit unreasonable - which I guess sums up marriage really....

OP posts:
ReanimatedSGB · 20/08/2019 13:24

If it's not frequent, and they are not actively rude to you, the best thing to do would be to arrange an occasional friends' night for yourself, with your own friends.
There will probably be some posts on here from the usual bucketheads about how awful it is to enjoy computer games and how you should immediately smash your H's consoles and divorce him, etc, but it sounds like it's simply an interest of his and his friends' that you don't share. People are entitled to keep up their interests even when married. Would you be whining worried if he, for instance, had the occasional weekend away with friends to enjoy a hobby you don't like?

And FFS lose the idea that it matters whether something is 'normal' or not. There is no inherent virtue in being Just Like Other People when the majority of people are fairly dull and have no interests other than consumerism.

JockTamsonsBairns · 20/08/2019 13:24

I don't think this is unusual at all, but then DH and I have moved around a lot, so our friends are spread out over the UK.
My DH doesn't play computer games but, if he did, and had friends over for a night, I wouldn't see it as me "getting out of the way" - I just wouldn't be interested in sitting with them, so I'd be quite happy to go out, or go upstairs with a book or my tablet.
Same when my friends are here. DH wouldn't want to sit with us chatting, so would be keen to make himself scarce elsewhere.

MinisterforCheekyFuckery · 20/08/2019 13:25

Oh ok, I thought you meant you were literally being told you had to go and stay somewhere else because his friends were coming round. I wouldn't put up with that. But I wouldn't have a problem with going to bed early with a good book, arranging drinks with friends for the same night or watching a box set upstairs for the evening. Any of those is preferable to sitting around watching someone else gaming IMO!

Jamieson90 · 20/08/2019 13:25

Having friends over is not unusual.

You don't need to be glued to each other in a relationship either. I'd see their game night as an opportunity to have some me time. Run yourself a bath, watch some telly or Netflix etc and chill out.

Like you said it's not very often and means he can't complain if you have friends over.

Confusedbeetle · 20/08/2019 13:25

Its not the staying over thats the problem, its playing computer games. Childish and anti social

Original poster
noclue2 · 20/08/2019 13:26

There's definitely a difference between both of us having friends over or having mutual friends over, and him having friends over that are solely his though. I don't think these are comparable. We do have mutual friends over to stay occasionally, but they live further afield.

OP posts:
Walnutwhipster · 20/08/2019 13:26

I even think it's fairly normal to leave them to it but not to feel ignored and certainly not leave the house to stay elsewhere.

ReanimatedSGB · 20/08/2019 13:27

It's actually perfectly 'normal' for a spouse to get the fuck out of the way when a hobby group is meeting up to pursue the hobby, though. They really don't want you wandering in and out, bleating on about something they are not interested in and 'trying to join in the conversation' when you don't know anything about the hobby. That's rude, weird and controlling.

Shoxfordian · 20/08/2019 13:27

He has friends over to play games with so how is it antisocial @confusedbeetle?

Winegumaddict · 20/08/2019 13:28

Yes totally normal to stay at friends. @HiJenny35 do you really always drive home? My friends live up to 5 hours away I'm not driving 10hours just to go out for dinner! We go and stay for a weekend. However we don't get out of the way. I wouldn't stay somewhere else just because DH had a friend over.

Original poster
noclue2 · 20/08/2019 13:29

The expectation has generally been that I go and stay with a relative, as I used to previously (when I wanted to - now it's not necessary). Nothing specific has been said, but there's a bit of an atmosphere when I stay at home.

We do have plenty of time apart and separate hobbies. It's not nice feeling unwelcome in your own house though.

I was genuinely curious whether other people do this, if they do, that's fine.

OP posts:
ReanimatedSGB · 20/08/2019 13:29

Those of you moaning and clutching your pearls - how about if it was a women's book club, wanting to discuss feminist classics and/or chicklit & romance, and the host's H insisted on staying in the room and butting in to change the subject of the conversation to something he was interested in?

saraclara · 20/08/2019 13:30

It appears that the 'staying over' in itself is usual, but perhaps the expecting your partner to be out of the house or out of the way is not.

He expects you to be out of the way? Or you choose to be out of the way?

It's absolutely usual to stay over with friends, especially if people have been drinking and live too far away to walk. I'd never ask my partner to leave though.

Friends who stayed overnight with us used to be friends of both of us though, or arrive as a couple. So I never felt obliged to get out of the way.

finn1020 · 20/08/2019 13:30

It is unusual, it’s only something that kids and teens do. None of my friends stay at each other’s houses at night, we go home to our own.

Ginkypig · 20/08/2019 13:31

We don't have a spare room so it doesn't really happen at mine although it did when I was younger but I do go visit with my friend and when I visit I stay the night but she lives on her own and it's about 2ish hours and 2 buses away. We then obviously have no choice but to eat curry and drink wine Grin

If anyone did stay over here though I would either generally time it so I had the house to myself or if not it Dp would of course be welcome to join us or me him and his friend even though that may be the partner being bored of the activity.

ColaFreezePop · 20/08/2019 13:31

I even think it's fairly normal to leave them to it but not to feel ignored and certainly not leave the house to stay elsewhere.

This.

Some of them will engage you in conversation if they see you about random stuff as that is what polite people do.

Shoxfordian · 20/08/2019 13:31

My dh has some friends who like gaming and I've gone to stay with my parentals before so he can have them down for the weekend. I don't mind as it's very occasional, only once a year if that.

It's different to feeling excluded in your own house though which can't be fun

Can you go out with your friends when he has his over? Maybe time it so you have something else to do