To ask whether it is usual for married people in their 30s to have friends staying the night?

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My husband insists there is nothing unusual about wanting his friends (not our shared friends) to stay the night every so often, even though we're married and in our 30s. I usually need to get out of the way. No DC yet.

AIBU to think this isn't usual? Not saying it's a problem when it's only every so often, but I do think it's a bit unnecessary, especially when his friends only live half an hour away.

We don’t do this, but I probably wouldn’t have a problem with it. If he’s pushing me out of the house, I’d be a bit suspicious (are they going to have sex??) but if they’re just not very sociable then I’d assume they’re keen to get gaming, and I’d go upstairs with a good book/film on the iPad.

I don't see why you can't just watch TV or read a book in another room, it sounds like you've done it before. Maybe have a friend over to chat too. Or go out, whatever you prefer on the night. TBH it sounds like it's just you and your DH being a bit weird about it.

This is usual in my circles. The lads come over drink stay the night whatever. The girls either stay in bedroom watching crap tele which they can’t watch whilst hubby is hoggin remote or go out with the girls for a couple of drinks

I can't see anything wrong with it. He's not demanding you are not there but he feels more comfortable not having to worry about you feeling uncomfortable in your own home.

We've done this often. As long as no one is outright rude to you, chill. If you don't want to stay away then be cheerful about staying out of the way. Then he'll stop worrying about you and your reaction.

My partner had his friends round and I couldn't get out the house fast enough! He said I didn't need to leave but no way did I want to be home when they came back from the pub!

My friends and I do this all the time. I'm not paying £50 for a taxi home when they have a parking spot and a spare bed!

I don't think it's so bad. A small group of female friends and I used to take it in turn to host dinner at our houses and husbands/partners/lodgers weren't invited. But we used to make it clear: 'I'm doing dinner for Sally* and everyone next Thursday, so could I have the place to myself?' etc. My DP used to arrange an outing with a friend for the evening.

*made-up name

I guess the difference, though, is that our partners/lodgers etc weren't made to feel unwelcome if they did happen to be there for a bit of the evening – one of the group would include her lodger in the dinner part and then he'd go off and leave us to it, and if my DP got back and we were all still there, he'd join in the conversation for a bit.

So I guess I'm saying the concept isn't weird or wrong, but it's the way your DH does it that is raising my eyebrows a bit; you seem to be actively unwelcome. I know you also have the practical problem of not really having any nice alternative options.

Having friends over is not unusual, but I wouldn't be happy with a man child gamer and being left out, whatever the age.

Every month or so DH has friends over to play board games all day, though they don't stay the night. I keep out of the way. One or two are old friends so I usually join them for (pizza) lunch and we catch up a bit but mostly I leave them to it and get on with my own day. It isn't really a general social event it's a gaming session and I'm not part of it.

So, why is there an "atmosphere"? Is it that DH wants to stay up all night? Or are they all crashed on the sofa and you want to use the living room in the morning?

I suggested a night this weekend and said I could be out, and come back at 10 or 11. DH asked he was thinking about inviting friend to stay over, couldn't I just stay out?

Now that's not on. It's your home and your choice to be in or out. Not his.

He'd feel more relaxed if he knew I were off having fun somewhere else.

Well that's his problem not yours. Tell him to get over himself. If he feels guilty about ignoring you he can take you out some other time.

I end up having to go out/stay with a relative or hide away upstairs though

You don't have to though. You're choosing to. Now, I'd probably choose to also rather than sit in a room full of DH's hobby-mates (not gamers, it's a sport). It's boring as hell listening to them jaw on about the latest equipment or their latest 'feats'. And of course I wouldn't try to change the subject to 'chat'. But it's my choice, DH isn't shooing me upstairs or out the house and he'd get a flea in his ear if he tried.

I just stock the bedroom full of snacks and spend the evening watching telly/streaming video or reading books in peace.

Yes it's normal and why don't you entertain yourself?

Them staying is normal, you needing to be out of the way is a bit odd.

I suggested a night this weekend and said I could be out, and come back at 10 or 11. DH asked he was thinking about inviting friend to stay over, couldn't I just stay out?

I do think the DH was very unreasonable to say this. Having said that, I'm ancient and boring not a late person, so if I came back at 10pm I'd only be able for a quick hello while I made my herbal tea and then I'd be off to bed with a book

He want you out of the way so he doesn’t feel guilty about ignoring you.

If you had a girls’ night, how would you feel if he were there?

Normal in this house before DC. If either of us had a friend staying we'd probably stay out of each others way.
I wouldn't want to sit with DP having a beer with his pal, he would definitely be put out of the room if I invited a friend for gossip and wine.
Not out of the house but watch movies upstairs etc.
There is no spare room for any overnight visitors now.

I think this is pretty normal. Both me and my partner have friends to stay as our friends live all over the world, barely any of them are local/within 20 miles. (not married but im in my 30's he is 40 and together 4 years)
I adore his friends and I'd like to think they are my friends too but I don't kid myself, when they come to stay they come to see him. I'm really not fussed if they want to do their own thing either at home or out to the pub etc.
3 of his closest friends are female too, which should raise some MN eyebrows, more than happy for them to stay and go out for dinner etc. I don't own him.
Plus I don't feel any need for us to live in each others pockets or have to do everything together.

I just get a load of pizzas crisps and beer in, cook and shove them on plates/bowls, and then say enjoy.
Then I spend the evening having a long soak in bath, girlie crap on tv with pizza chocolate and a bottle of wine. Shove a ton of sausages in oven in morning put them in rolls, mug of tea and off they go, it’s less than 24 hours once in a blue moon. No risk of drinking driving, no getting stupid, and it’s cheap. When the girls come he does the same but with boys crap tv, mind you he doesn’t cook our pizzas.....think I need to review that!!!

I'm surprised so many replies are that it's normal.

Amongst everyone I know it is not normal for someone who lives half an hour away to stay over. Especially gamers or if he's coming to fix the car! This is just odd.

Eg guys friend comes to fix some things in the house. He gets dropped off home for the favour. We feed him some nice food etc and off he goes with a lift.

I don't get why he is giving you funny looks for saying you are coming home.

My DH doesn't enjoy the thought of me sitting around in the bedroom on my own or with the kids (small house) so he doesn't make any deals with people staying over or even coming over for too long. That's the sort of reaction your husband should have especially as he's local. I don't have anything in common with most of his me friends interests so I don't even want to sit with them and get bored but the odd hi and bye is fine. Same the other way round. He shouldn't be reacting like that. Something very odd...

Thanks folks. I'm happy to accept that I'm being a bit unreasonable, and he is too on some bits. There really is no issue in the longer term. We'll keep doing what we're doing. Just wondered if it was a bit odd. I do (obviously) entertain myself, but I'll try and chill out a bit more so I'm not contributing to any atmosphere.

It's normal if they live a distance (say over an hour)

My DH’s friend lives about 45 mins away and he stays over every few months or vice verse so they can have a drink/night out and don’t have to worry about getting home. We have one DD so he gets woken up early like the rest of us. I don’t have to “get out of the way” though, that sounds odd.

Normal if they drinking & live a distance away. This happened more pre kids to be fair. I'd never feel like (or be made feel like) I had to get out though!

Is your house very small, OP? If so, it might be just that - there isn't really room for both you and the friends.

Or, alternatively, have you been in the habit of hanging around wittering at them when they want to get on with the games?

My friendship group do this a lot. I don't see what's weird about it. My husband when he was alive, would always go and make his own plans when we had girls nights. Boys nights I usually stuck around for as I was interested in playing poker etc. He was less interested in face masks, getting smashed on cocktails and talking about cock.

What has being married got to do with it?

We have friends stay quite often - I'd say maybe once every 3-4 weeks?

I am over 40 and stay at friends house when we have cocktail evenings, she is 40 mins away so it would be a nightmare getting there under own steam and over £60 taxi, it is not odd imo