To ask whether it is usual for married people in their 30s to have friends staying the night?

[noclue2]

My husband insists there is nothing unusual about wanting his friends (not our shared friends) to stay the night every so often, even though we're married and in our 30s. I usually need to get out of the way. No DC yet.

AIBU to think this isn't usual? Not saying it's a problem when it's only every so often, but I do think it's a bit unnecessary, especially when his friends only live half an hour away.

Seems normal to me - I often have the girls round for a wine and pizza night and the ones who would have to pay a bit in taxi fares would just bring their cars and stay over. My hubby would go upstairs and keep and eye on the kids - he's not banished from the coming down but he'd rather avoid the girlie gossip!

My partner grew up in a city about 6 hours away from us - his friends sometimes come up for the weekend and stay over, but I'm very much included (if I want to be, that is!) The idea of having to make yourself absent when they're there is a bit weird, IMO.

I don't think so

but then again I don't like people round so this is why :D

I'm like the scarlet pimpernel lol

Yes, it's usual. but this isn't:

Try being sociable but it is made very obvious that they don't want me around

If that includes your DH, you have a problem, & need to pick it up with him.
If it's only his ill-mannered pals, they need a short sharp shock about whose home they are in.

Has anyone got any thoughts about how to deal with this situation without seeming like they are getting in the way?
Sorry, @noclue2, no - because they ARE getting in the way. They are making you feel unwelcome in your own home. How fucking dare they?
"Hi, RudeFriendOfDH, my name's Noclue & I'm the other person who actually lives here, so can you stop with the ..." (attitude / lack of eye contact / ignoring / not making sofa space for you / whatever).

Repeat until heard & respected in your own home.
They don't need to like you.
They do need to stop making you feel pushed out of your own gaff FFS.

Oh, it IS a DH issue:

I suggested a night this weekend and said I could be out, and come back at 10 or 11. DH asked he was thinking about inviting friend to stay over, couldn't I just stay out?

"No mate, 'cos I live here.
Also no because I do not need to be segregated from your mates like I'm contagious or living under Sharia Law. What are you like, you eejit!?"

• the last bit in a fond & smiley tone, so he sees what a twerp he's being.

I think DH thinks it is a bit awkward me sitting upstairs on my own too, honestly. He'd feel more relaxed if he knew I were off having fun somewhere else. I don't think there is any more to it than that.

There is though, isnt there @noclue2.
There is the atmosphere you mentioned earlier, & the way your polite "hi" is ignored.

Not looking to catastrophise here, because really it just looks like a case of bad manners. But if you continue putting up with bad manners, you will end up with total disrespect.

You also mentioned that DH feels more "comfortable" when you are not e.g. upstairs chilling with netflix. He needs to get over himself.
Stop making excuses about him preferring that you are "out enjoying myself". If your preference is to chill at home - you chill at home.
How he feels about that is his own problem, not yours.

We get people staying every so often, as public transport is crap at night/after 11pm,especially when rail travel is involved. Sometimes I'm sociable, sometimes I'm not. DP is much the same - it's freedom to talk utter shite, write music, watch films, drink alcohol, whatever, without having to dash at quarter to eleven to have a chance of catching a train before 80% of the rail network shuts down until 6am.

I've also gone and stayed at a mate's house overnight/he's stayed over when DP has been away. As has DP. Or decided to/not to stay at another's and fallen through the front door at 5am or limped in at 9.30am wearing sunglasses and nursing a hangover

I'd be pissed off if I were told to go away, but I'd be fine with people staying over in the first place and would happily find something else to occupy myself - if you aren't happy, perhaps make a nice hotel booking each time at his expense?

I'm happy to accept that I'm being a bit unreasonable

& THERE is the nub of the problem, OP.
Because the fact is - your are not being unreasonable.
All you are asking for is that the blokes cocklodging your living room can return your "hi", like civil adults.

And that you are not made to feel like a spare part for using your own bedroom while they game downstairs. That's not an unreasonable feeling or an unreasonable request OP.

The mere asking if it’s “normal” means it’s not a situation you feel entirely happy about. If your home has space restrictions so you can relax upstairs . or he just wants to enjoy quality Manchild time gaming? Seems fairly self-obsessed by your DH.. why can’t they do it ‘online’?

Tbh he should properly check if the night works for you first before inviting mates and bumping you out for the night.

You obviously need to establish some rules for this is to be ongoing. Good lord what will happen when children come along... he may need to grow up a bit...

Amongst everyone I know it is not normal for someone who lives half an hour away to stay over. Especially gamers or if he's coming to fix the car! This is just odd

How is it odd, @babba2014?
When I invite my mates over, I'm offering them hospitality.
That includes alcohol if they want it.
So of course the hospitality includes a bed for the night.

Not everyone lives in walking distance or has access to taxi services. Millions of people live like this - it's part of rural life. Making contingency plans for safe travel/drink/beds is just part of that.

Guests in your home should be respectful and formal to you and ask after you and bring a bottle/ flowers would be nice too, if it grates in you set boundaries for example once s month only

Well, maybe the OP lets it show that she thinks computer games are 'stupid' and the reason the H would rather she went elsewhere is because she keeps barging into the room tutting and making silly remarks. Or, if they want to stay up late, she moans about being able to hear them or stomps about in a sulk.

I prefer to go to my own home after being out with friends but I do have people to stay over sometimes, and my friends still stay the night with each other upon occasion. If my OH has a friend to stay over I would prefer to stay ‘out of the way’ ie have a long bath and watch some tv it play a game/read a book upstairs. We have kids though so it doesn’t happen so often anymore. I’d only take issue with it if you’re being made to stay out of the way if you wouldn’t be doing so out of your own preference.

Did you move into his house OP? Just wondering if that's the dynamic, that when his mates come round he reverts to thinking as a single man in his batchelor pad. I wouldn't want to keep leaving my own house so he can have his friends stop over, and don't understand why the conversation stops when you enter the room- they either sound v immature or dodgy tbh. YANBU

Your dh invites a few friends over for the evening - fine if that’s what he wants to do.

Making you feel uncomfortable and suggesting you stay out is definitely not fine at all.

I could not find it within myself to be married to a man child that wants to spend his life gaming in his thirties. A lack of maturity and manners is a really unattractive combination.

There is no way I would be happy in this situation. Tell him to go elsewhere for his gaming nights, but you should always be able to sleep in your own bed if you want to.

I would be questioning whether they were gambling nights rather than gaming if he is that desperate to be shot of you.

They want to play computer games and it is literally like I don't exist. Try being sociable but it is made very obvious that they don't want me around. This in itself is fine - we don't have similar interests, and I imagine it would be the same with DH and my friends tbh.

OP it doesn't matter how 'usual' it is for other people to have friends staying the night. What really matters is that you are treated with respect in your own home.

Things you've described as being fine and OK would be a massive bone of contention for me. No way would I be OK about having guests in my home, who openly demonstrate contempt towards me by not wanting me to be there and ignoring me like I don't exist. Nor would I be OK with my DH inviting people who behaved like that to me (he wouldn't, he'd rather ditch them as friends!)

I think you need to work on your self-esteem.

If my dh had friends that were disrespectful to me, they wouldn’t be his friends for long. Most dhs would not put up with friends being rude to their wives. It’s unwritten rule that you treat your friends ohs with respect, and that should work both ways.
Why isn’t he pulling them up on this?
Does dh treat you like crap when they are around? Why do they think it’s okay????
It’s definitely not ok op.

I’m with you OP. I don’t know why people don’t just go back to their own homes. I couldn’t think of anything worse than staying out unnecessarily at someone else’s gaff. Get me my bed please.
Plus I’m pretty anti social and hate people under my feet of a morning expecting a brew.
The exception is obviously people who travel a distance specifically to visit.

Well, maybe the OP lets it show that she thinks computer games are 'stupid' and the reason the H would rather she went elsewhere is because she keeps barging into the room tutting and making silly remarks. Or, if they want to stay up late, she moans about being able to hear them or stomps about in a sulk.

This is often a sign of disempowerment and unhappiness in a relationship. The person is unable to communicate and negotiate their preferences and gain respect, so uses the stomping and expressions of disapproval to vent their frustration. Not a good place to be.

It sounds like the gaming is part of a much bigger relationship issue, the OP isnt "fine" , they are questioning their DHs choices. Let's face it someone gaming with their mates in their 30s sounds man-childish, like they'd rather be single.

It all sounds completely normal. This happens in our house and if it's my mates DH would stay out of our way, if it's his mates I stay out of their way. There doesn't need to be an atmosphere.

When I was married, my ex and I had our fair share of friends staying over. If my friends were round, exDH would either cook for all of us or hang out in his man cave to give us space. I never told him to stay away, it was his choice. When his friends came round, we would all hang out together. As with PP I'd say the friends visiting and staying over is not unusual.

We also had some friends who lived 20 mins away from us and they had small kids, they often invited us to hang out and stay the night/weekend so that we could all relax, have a drink etc. It wasn't weird.

What is unusual and quite frankly awful is your DH kicking you out of your own home so that he can hang out with his mate. I also don't understand why they can't be respectful and polite to you. It's fine they want to play games all night, but they can say hello and not cause an atmosphere because they aren't home alone.

When did I indicate that I have been stomping around tutting and expressing my disapproval?! Or that I thought gaming was stupid?

I've only ever been polite, I've sometimes done food for them. I don't think gaming is stupid, I get that he needs downtime. We all do.

I only posted this because I said I thought it was a bit odd. He said he thought it wasn't. There really is no more to it than that. I was curious what other people's experiences are. It's very occasional, and I love him, and we have a good relationship. This is such a small part of our lives. I can put up with feeling a bit awkward once every few months if it makes him happy, just like he sometimes does things he'd prefer not to for me.

DH's mate stays over sometimes, and sleeps on the sofa. They're in their 60's.

It is odd no doubt about it! What are they doing they don't want you in the house for? Is he doing coke? What if you have kids? It's ridiculous

Staying over isn't unusual; I deliberately have sofa beds in the sitting room and conservatory for this as even five miles out of town taxis are extortionate and the bus 3/4 mile away stops around 10pm. Likewise, I go to a friend's house for a dinner and natter evening though we all drive; her husband says hello, joins us for dinner and otherwise takes himself upstairs to his hobby.

However, the expecting you to stay out is ludicrous and rather disrespectful. Most people have different friendship and activity groups as well as joint but it's a question of mutual respect and not taking a loan of the other. It's perfectly normal to enjoy an evening upstairs doing what you want, perhaps watching TV that he hates, but expecting you not to be in the house at all is weird. Have you ever done similar the other way round and how would he react if you asked him to stay out overnight?