To ask MIL to stay out of my dirty washing basket?

[Wetwashing00]

Housework is not part of my requirements when MIL babysits.

But she separated my darks and put a wash on.
Whilst it’s very lovely to do that for me it’s quite personal isn’t it?
I don’t want her going through my crusty work socks or period stained pants (they were all in there)

My DH said she’s just trying to be helpful, which I understand.
But I don’t want her to do it. She’s quite touchy and takes offence really quickly so I’m thinking of just hiding the basket next time.

YANBU

My MIL used to do this amongst the many other things I didnt like and had to repeatedly ask her to stop. In the end I took away the key we had given her and stopped getting her to do anything for us as it felt like she was trying to insert dominance, not be helpful.

@Sallyseagull
I feel this is my MIL real meaning.
I can certainly hear her say:
Why should I not wash my darling sons clothes? He works so hard.

I usually have a bath/ shower at night as I don't like going to bed a bit sweaty. I use a bidet on a morning that I would not be without. I can't imagine doing my son's washing or his girlfriend's washing if at his flat without asking and find it odd that some people find this unnecessary meddlesomeness harmless, especially when washing powders/ temperatures/ washing machines vary so much. It sounds as though the people keenest to do other people's washing are those doing it for the wrong reasons as well.
Quite happy for babysitters to do dusting, vacuuming or cleaning the oven, just leave my washing alone.

Wetwashing00
@Sallyseagull
I feel this is my MIL real meaning.
I can certainly hear her say:
Why should I not wash my darling sons clothes? He works so hard.
-----
Not your dirty knickers though! They are solely your business, no one else should even look at them unless you are old and ill. Where's your self respect?

Are you having a pop at the OP, MoaningMinnie? The reference to 'you' and 'your' in your comment is confusing.

It's MIL who is after the dirty washing.

So MIL rocks up at 8am to look after your child/ren and does your washing?

She sounds lovely.

Get this OP, if you do something for another person and they don’t tell you to stop they think you’re ok with it. I know weird right. But if you talk to them and explain kindly that you don’t like it then they know not to do it!!

Try it. It’s life changing.

Many of us, NoSauce, wouldn't need to be told that dirty washing is 'off limits'. We'd find something less personal to 'help with', cleaning toilets is generic, as is doing a bit of washing up and ironing. Would anybody be complaining about that? I think not.

Delving into somebody's washing basket it not that. It's got connotations of control - and worse. Why risk it? If you've (general) not asked if it would be helpful - or receive positive feedback about doing it then, just bloody don't.

The emotional intelligence/checking-acceptance door swings both ways.

Yes I get that Lying. But this MIL doesn’t.
That’s why a word in her ear would do the trick.

It might but OP's first post says how prickly she can be.

I think a person would have to be completely lacking in intelligence to believe, or not realise, that they are intruding on a personal task. I mean, what's next? Going into the bedside cabinets to retrieve any 'toys' and give them a good old scrub? Going into drawers to see if the 'dear children' are keeping up with their obligations to creditors? I mean, it's so helpful to do that and be able to give advice.

I mean, if DIL is so cowardly as not to say something directly and thwart this utterly controlling and frankly, creepy behaviour, then MIL/DM/any other nosey-parker who happens to be in the house is free to do it, yes?

Not in my book. If you are in somebody else's home and you actively want to do something (that you don't already definitely know would be welcomed) - check first. Your job, not theirs to pre-empt you and tell you not to do it.

For anybody with a thinking brain-cell, they'd naturally have the cognisance to shy away from personal things. For those with the inclination, this is what they live for.

Try not to let the childcare aspect cloud your judgement of what's decent. It shouldn't need to be a 'trade-off' to have to put up with personal intrusion, it really shouldn't.

It's hard to know the MIL motivation as I don't think that everyone does dislike the idea of someone else doing their washing. Most of the laundrettes near me seem to do "service washes" for example, so clearly some people aren't bothered although I suspect the majority are men. I have noticed that DDs friends (young adults) don't seem to mind putting their washing in my wash basket for me to do either.

I just said that I get it. I do. I wouldn’t want anyone doing my washing either and I certainly wouldn’t be doing anyone else’s ( unless they’d asked ) but some people don’t understand that it’s personal and think they’re being helpful.

Some people do understand that it’s personal and do it anyway. As we don’t know the MIL nobody can say which one she is, right?

All we do know that whatever her motive is the OP (quite rightly) doesn’t like it and wants it to stop so the only way this is going to happen is if she talks to her MIL and explains that she appreciates everything she does for her and the family but she’d rather her not do the washing.

If she’s offended then so be it. But at least the OP will have told her and won’t have the embarrassment of her MIL doing her dirty washing!

Some people are not comfortable with 'confrontation' or feeling that they have to put people straight, particularly family.

If MIL, or whoever, would have the wit to think about the task, realise that it's a personal one - and then actively ask DIL, "Shall I pop on a wash for you?" - to be kindly told, "Oh please don't bother, MIL, thank you" - and read the inherent and very clear message in that - 'stay away'. Then all of this would be avoided.

Why should OP have to actively stop somebody from doing something that they a) have no mandate to do and, b) there's no helpful reason for them to do it, unless it's been pre-established as an acceptable activity?

I'm nearly always defending MILs on this site - but not this one. This one is intrusive and interfering - however helpfully intended. It's not helpful if it causes angst to somebody else and a thinking/genuinely wanting to be helpful person, wouldn't do that.

My mum is going abroad to help my brother and sil when their new baby is born. They've already stopped doing any laundry in anticipation of her arrival
Some people genuinely wouldn't mind this. I'm always happy if my mum cleans and tidies while I'm away. I guess the thing is to know whether your kids want this level of help or not.
I think for some parents they show love by doing these things and it's hard to stop.

Exactly so, Aderyn19.

I guess the thing is to know whether your kids want this level of help or not.

And, if you don't know, ask first.

Congrats on your imminent new nephew or niece!

Bllody hell Lying you’ve got it on you this morning

At the end of the day if the OP or her H doesn’t tell her to stop doing the washing it isn’t going to stop. Whether someone doesn’t like confrontation or the that the MIL is being a nosy, interfering cow is beside the point.

She IS doing it and the OP wants her to stop. The only way it’s going to is if someone tells her.

We can go round the houses saying yes but she should know better, it’s controlling, it’s this, it’s that, till we’re blue in the face, she still needs telling.

Oh god, this brings back memories of the days when my MiL used to babysit at my house.

She used to do the ironing without asking if it was ok. The ironing board and iron were located in my wardrobe so she had to go in there and root about for them. She’s then stand and iron in my room and leave all the ironed things piled up over my bed.

I didnt like the way she ironed my stuff. she put creases where they didn’t need to be, or folded things that needed hung up etc but I just really disliked the idea of her standing in my room for that length of time and having a peek into drawers and things.

What bugged me even more was that I told her every single time not to do anything, that i was grateful for the babysitting and to spend time with the DC. Instead they would play in their room next door while she stood and ironed!

And i’d come home after a really long day to a disaster of a kids room from unsupervised play and a bed covered in piles of clothes I didn’t want to put away before I could get in!!

Grrrrr!

I always wore black pants when I had a period. Stains don’t show.

I have, haven't i?

The thing is, we have our own MILs/Mothers in mind. Mine is great, wouldn't do it. I'm therefore appalled on OP's behalf and miserable for her that she thinks hiding the washing basket would result in MIL playing 'hunt the knickers'! Poor OP!

Can you put the washing on before you go out and ask her to hang it up when it's clean? She'll feel like she's helping and you'll be ahead with the washing.

Congratulations, @percheron67: 10 points to Slytherin

NannyOgg To which post are you referring? Why the Harry Potter mania from certain posters?

Weirdos.

She's being helpful, unless there's a massive back story.

I was heavily pregnant and came into the kitchen to find my 70 YO MIL scrubbing my kitchen floor on her knees - I bought her a gin.

She does my washing every time we're home. It's brilliant.

She's most likely trying to help but some women are weirdly controlling about housework and are making some kind of point, i.e. putting you down or implying you're lazy or don't 'take care' of your DH enough; is your MIL one of those? I've certainly come across that before. Also if she is anything like my DM she will not be washing stuff correctly so she's actually creating more work as you have to do it all again (or worse still, clothes are ruined). If none of these apply then I wouldn't mind TBH but only you know your MIL. I think like you say it's weird that she didn't clean up her own mess and chose to do this task unbidden instead, surely it wouldn't be the first thing someone would think to do (unless your dirty laundry is literally all over the house!)

My MIL takes offence really easily,
The kids miss out on seeing her whilst she’s sulking and waiting for an apology for upsetting her. Or we get days of really long texts describing how she feels, ‘not having a go’ in her words but is very much a blame text.
So I would rather hide the basket than actually tell her not to do washing.

She did hang it out and fold it all which is nice of her, I did say ‘you don’t have to do any washing, but thank you’
She just commented that my basket was full. But it was full for a reason, the last darks to go in were what I was wearing that day. Which then meant I had to wash 1 pair of trousers and 1 jacket as all the other darks were done.
Waste of a wash in my eyes.

My MIL is probably very lonely on her own, and can not cope without doing these mummy duties for all of her boys. Even though they are all in their 30’s with wives and kids.

One DIL literally lives in a pig sty so I can understand why she does it at her house.

I will ask her not to do it in future but I feel I’ll just be ignored.
So the basket will hide on the days she babysits.