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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask MIL to stay out of my dirty washing basket?

153 replies

Wetwashing00 · 20/08/2019 10:15

Housework is not part of my requirements when MIL babysits.

But she separated my darks and put a wash on.
Whilst it’s very lovely to do that for me it’s quite personal isn’t it?
I don’t want her going through my crusty work socks or period stained pants (they were all in there)

My DH said she’s just trying to be helpful, which I understand.
But I don’t want her to do it. She’s quite touchy and takes offence really quickly so I’m thinking of just hiding the basket next time.

OP posts:
Stoichiometry · 20/08/2019 16:24

YANBU - I would consider that an invasion of privacy for someone to do that without asking or being asked first. It isn't even especially useful - takes about 1 min to sort out some darks to put a load on and potentially damaging if you don't look carefully at the clothes you are bunging in at 60.

I would have no problem at all (thank you!) with some help with other jobs that need doing - they would all be a bit more time consuming though, so maybe that is the point...can feel helpful with minimal effort.

Teddybear45 · 20/08/2019 16:25

@LightDrizzle - that was the part that made the most sense to me lol. In Indian cultures children will often take on more active tasks like sweeping and scrubbing floors etc while parents will do ‘easier’ ones like washing up / cutting veg / limited cooking. It’s not related to health either.

messolini9 · 20/08/2019 16:26

Feeling the pain, @gothicsprout -

“I always felt I was failing as a mother if I hadn’t ironed their clothes” she said. Hmm

"That's so sad, MiL! I always feel I'm winning as a mother when my children are happy & healthy."
(if only these bon mots came to us unbidden 'in the moment', hey?!)

FairyFavour · 20/08/2019 16:26

Is anyone else seeing adverts for washing machine cleaner over there >>>

My mother is always itching to help me with laundry so she can do it ‘properly’ which clearly I don’t despite being an adult for a very long time.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 20/08/2019 16:27

Yes, this is utterly horrible. I would feel seriously icky about my MIL or any other woman touching our dirty washing. It's private and extremely personal, that's why it's wrong (for some, some don't care and that's fine). I would never allow it.

I always remember a friend of mine regaling a tale of having forgotten something so gone back into the house where MIL was babysitting, and finding MIL pulling out friend's knickers and 'examining them'. For what, I don't want to even think, but it disgusted me. I also think that it's not just men who sniff knickers. Makes me feel sick.

I think posters have fenced around a bit, understandably, but I expect there may be some fears in common there. Personally I think it has some basis in Oedipus and some mums just not wanting to hand over to another woman.

TomHagenMakesMyBosomTremble · 20/08/2019 16:27

It's a lovely thought but in practice it often upsets the balance of things, which I think is why people get annoyed. My washing basket has bags in it, which I put different loads into, but my handwash/cold wash/pre wash items aren't necessarily obvious to someone who isn't me and I live in dread of someone helpfully machine washing my bras. I'd also be a bit mortified at someone handling my period pants and my work shirts which need a good armpit sort out before I wash them (which someone else wouldn't necessarily know to do, either).

I live in a house share which has a tumble dryer but I only do my sheets & towels in it. Similarly, the fabric softner in the cupboard by the machine isn't mine and I'd not be pleased to find my clothes had been fabric conditioned or tumbled. Which would probably happen as people always think it's a "nice surprise", never ask & ruin stuff.

It's a lovely thought in theory but other than my own mum doing it, likely to be a nuisance in practice.

Nicolamarlow1 · 20/08/2019 16:28

I would have no problem with a MIL putting washing on for me. Get over it, she's being helpful, you should be thanking her.

ChristmasInJuly · 20/08/2019 16:32

When my (now deceased) MIL did this, my friends couldn’t understand why it annoyed me. And I suppose, on the surface, it does sound like a nice thing to do. But I’m with you, OP, I really felt uncomfortable about her going through my dirty washing. It made me wonder where else she’d been in the house, and what she’d been doing / looking at.

messolini9 · 20/08/2019 16:33

I always remember a friend of mine regaling a tale of having forgotten something so gone back into the house where MIL was babysitting, and finding MIL pulling out friend's knickers and 'examining them'. For what, I don't want to even think, but it disgusted me. I also think that it's not just men who sniff knickers. Makes me feel sick

Yeah, @LyingWitchInTheWardrobe.

My DM has form here too.
exDH witnessed her doing similar, re: my sister's pants. When DM asked him if he'd like to put his clothes in with the family wash, he made a polite excuse & retreated.

Later, he whispered to me "no thanks to your mother's offer - ever! - because I've SEEN the way she "does laundry".

People without boundary-less, controlling mater's may not 'get' this - but a few pp's upthread are understanding the psychology ...

AxCap · 20/08/2019 16:34

Maybe I'm just lazy but I'm delighted when I get home and MIL has put a wash on and hung it all up to dry too. She even did some dishes too whilst DC slept. DM also takes any washing left in the basket when we go on holiday away and brings it back dried and folded so I only have the holiday stuff to deal with and DH doesn't mind either.

But if you really don't like it I'd just have a quick chat, not worth falling out over when it seems like she was trying to be helpful.

gothicsprout · 20/08/2019 16:44

@messolini9 don’t worry, I didn’t leave that one unchallenged! Actual response involved a tinkly laugh and head tilt along with “oh dear me no, I don’t have time for that!”

SunshineCake · 20/08/2019 16:59

The OP does not have to count herself lucky. Her being happy her MIL did her washing doesn't make an iota of difference to the fact yours won't help you.

percheron67 · 20/08/2019 17:06

Messolini9 - or is that Mussolini? Not being judgmental - I take it for granted that people soak heavily soiled items if only to lessen the resultant stain! Who on earth would want heavily stained left to fester.

messolini9 · 20/08/2019 17:07

@gothicsprout - nice one!

Original poster
Wetwashing00 · 20/08/2019 17:07

There’s plenty of housework I’m happy for her to do, she can scrub her sons shit stains out the loo to her hearts content.

I don’t soak my period pants for a reason : too tired, too late, will probably chuck them out etc....

She would take major offence if I asked her not to do it doesn’t matter how polite I am. She would probably send her son a shitty message along the lines of ‘wetwashing is very ungrateful, I was only trying to help, I don’t think I will babysit anymore 😭’

OP posts:
messolini9 · 20/08/2019 17:13

Messolini9 - or is that Mussolini? Not being judgmental - I take it for granted that people soak heavily soiled items if only to lessen the resultant stain! Who on earth would want heavily stained left to fester.

@percheron67
Sure. Not being judgemental. Just jumping on a message board to completely miss the OP's point & instead take a chance to berate her.
And then compound the offence in your "no I never!" follow-up post by suggesting that the OP's laundry is "left to fester" ...

I sincerely doubt OP's laundry basket is actually festering, or that she is such a tramp that she'd allow it to. Some imagination you've got there. Nasty.

lboogy · 20/08/2019 17:15

Put the laundry basket in your bedroom. She has no reason to go in there and can't do the laundry. Sometimes if a person is that touchy there is no point in mentioning it

messolini9 · 20/08/2019 17:15

She would probably send her son a shitty message along the lines of ‘wetwashing is very ungrateful, I was only trying to help, I don’t think I will babysit anymore 😭’

Which I trust your DH would interpret as - 'is the bossy old mare still trying to control my wife by making the babysitting conditional on my wife's absolute subservience to her edicts?'

lboogy · 20/08/2019 17:17

My MiL when I lived with her used to examine my underwear. She didn't see it as intrusive but then she doesn't have boundaries generally

PanamaPattie · 20/08/2019 17:25

When these strange individuals examine other people's underwear, what exactly are they looking for?

ArgumentativeAardvaark · 20/08/2019 17:26

I don’t soak period stained pants because then they would be sitting out in a sink/bucket for all to see! A wash gets the stain out enough for them to be used as period pants.

Original poster
Wetwashing00 · 20/08/2019 17:50

So many MIL inspecting knickers, WTF!

To all of you that are disgusted that I don’t soak my blood pants, guess what?
I don’t wear a panty liner every day either 😂

OP posts:
uppershopping · 20/08/2019 17:51

Urgh noooo. YANBU

Dungeondragon15 · 20/08/2019 18:00

I soak them in cold water before washing because it works. It's not disgusting to do otherwise but why not prevent stains?

Original poster
Wetwashing00 · 20/08/2019 18:04

@Dungeondragon15
Probably because when I finish work at 3am I’m too shattered to bother with all this when I’m up again after 4 hours sleep.
Plus, my pants are from Tesco’s so who cares.

OP posts: