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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask MIL to stay out of my dirty washing basket?

153 replies

Wetwashing00 · 20/08/2019 10:15

Housework is not part of my requirements when MIL babysits.

But she separated my darks and put a wash on.
Whilst it’s very lovely to do that for me it’s quite personal isn’t it?
I don’t want her going through my crusty work socks or period stained pants (they were all in there)

My DH said she’s just trying to be helpful, which I understand.
But I don’t want her to do it. She’s quite touchy and takes offence really quickly so I’m thinking of just hiding the basket next time.

OP posts:
dreamingofsun · 20/08/2019 15:05

my MIL did this....thankfully only the once. she was trying to be helpful but shrunk loads of handknitted baby clothes putting them on the wrong wash and then somehow tumble drying them. thank god my cashmere wasnt in the wash at the time.

can you tell her that you have some very delicate clothes that need washing a certain way or they shrink?

AcrossthePond55 · 20/08/2019 15:08

Hide the 'real' laundry. Leave baskets full of towels and bedding (use clean if you don't have enough dirty. Set up the iron and ironing board next to them with one clean and ironed pillow case on it, neatly folded.

She's not going to want to dig into that.

bellinisurge · 20/08/2019 15:08

My MIL tried this once. And that was the only time. As dh whispered to me one time when I was telling dd to listen to MIL about something " my mum is afraid of you". Grin
MIL is only 16 years older than me and knows I don't take any matriarch shit. Politely and nicely of course.

DarlingNikita · 20/08/2019 15:18

'Please don't take it upon yourself to do the laundry, MIL. You don't need to and we'd rather you didn't.'

Let her be touchy. It won't kill her.

StroppyWoman · 20/08/2019 15:25

I hate doing any of that stuff so I’d be delighted.

But you don’t feel that way so just tell her - I know it’s kind of you but it makes me feel uncomfortable so in future would you mind leaving it be”

Yabbers · 20/08/2019 15:25

She did your washing? What a bitch!

TerrorAustralis · 20/08/2019 15:28

When we were moving abroad, DS stayed with MIL for a few days. Because of said move, I sent him to her with a suitcase full of all his clothes. All the clothes were clean.

When I came to collect him, she proudly told me she had not only re-washed all his clothes, but also disinfected them. I think she was expecting gratitude, but unfortunately my face was Confused and I just asked "Wha.. Why??"

Years later, and I still think it's a weird thing to have done.

AmateurSwami · 20/08/2019 15:29

Why do you leave period stained pants with other washing. Put into soak as soon as you are home. Yucky!!

Unclench.

AmateurSwami · 20/08/2019 15:30

My mil takes my kids clothes to hers to be washed and I never get them all back. When I ask for them she feigns ignorance.

Raaaaaah · 20/08/2019 15:33

Wow, I would be thrilled.

messolini9 · 20/08/2019 15:40

Why do you leave period stained pants with other washing. Put into soak as soon as you are home. Yucky!!

Exactly the kind of judgey, intrusive, bullshit questioning the OP is posting about expressly in order to avoid hearing from her MiL.

Congratulations, @percheron67: 10 points to Slytherin.

Nearlyalmost50 · 20/08/2019 15:40

Both my mum and my cleaner put a wash on if the machine is empty. If it gets really full my mum takes home bedding and washes it (occasionally). I don't find this remotely insulting, if she likes helping and we like clean clothes, everyone's a winner!

If you don't like it though, that's rude and you should just ask her politely not to do that in the future.

shesgrownhorns · 20/08/2019 15:46

God - im sitting here after a car accident battered and bruised sith a broken collar bone and a sling on (right arm) and my mother in law wouldnt even wash my pots let alone handle my mingy laundry! Or babysit for that matter.... Count yourself lucky!

Teddybear45 · 20/08/2019 15:49

I love it when my mil does this. Not sure what’s so horrific about period stained pants compared to the clothes I’m sure your LO ruins on a daily basis. She probably needs to the child’s washing and (quite rightly) thinks she should wash a bigger load.

Azeema · 20/08/2019 15:54

It would not bother me. I am often in hotels and send my laundry out, why would I care what is in there? At least a MIL is a relative not a stranger.

LightDrizzle · 20/08/2019 16:07

I wonder how the mothers and MILs who do this kind of thing unbidden and without asking would react to wondering where their adult child or DIL or SIL had got to one visit to their house, only to find them rooting through their dirty laundry or picking items off their bedroom floor, in order to put a wash on to help.
Doubtless some really want to help, but I think it is often an act of dominance.
I wouldn't dream of doing it without asking, even for a close friend.

gothicsprout · 20/08/2019 16:08

YANBU. Fine if you want and ask for the help, but weird and boundary trespassing if not.

It’s constantly shifting goalposts with my MIL on this stuff. Originally she started making pointed comments (to my DH to be fair) about why we weren’t just using the washing machine for us and the baby when we visited. Ok, so next time we did - including DDs reusable nappies.

Then come the pointed questions about why we used X cycle rather than Y cycle. And why didn’t we put stuff in the tumble dryer. And why didn’t we use the special washing powder. I have given up on this bullshit and just get DH to do all laundry when we visit now.

Oh, most recent ask was whether I wanted her to iron the kids clothes, if I wasn’t going to do it (note, DH does all laundry while at his parents). I said no thank you, life is far too short to iron their everyday things (baby and toddler).

“I always felt I was failing as a mother if I hadn’t ironed their clothes” she said. Hmm

Teddybear45 · 20/08/2019 16:10

@LightDrizzle - I do it at both my mum’s and mil’s. They view it as normal. Perhaps it’s because I’m Indian though - housework is just deemed as something to be done. It doesn’t really matter who does.

ArgumentativeAardvaark · 20/08/2019 16:14

Tell her thanks but she shrunk/damaged an item that was in the basket but you were going to separate out to hand wash only. That will soon cure her of thinking she is being helpful.

AdmiralButterfly · 20/08/2019 16:17

I would hate this!

MedalMedalMedal · 20/08/2019 16:18

My mil ignored the ironing and helpfully ironed the pile of clothes waiting to be washed instead 🤦‍♀️

I suppose to her maybe they didn’t look dirty, but they were.

LightDrizzle · 20/08/2019 16:18

Teddy - yes, I don't think that is as common in families with white British heritage, - not without asking.
If I was visiting a friend or sibling who'd just had a baby or was recovering from illness, I would take food and wash-up after we ate unbidden, but I wouldn't change their bed or touch their washing without asking if they wanted me to.

It's particularly odd when they seem to choose this task in preference to other more obvious ones, as cited by the previous poster whose mother or MIL put her dirty clothes in the wash but didn't bother to sweep up the mess they'd actually created with the children during the visit.
I don't expect visitors to clear up, but if they do, surely they'd prioritise the mess they'd actually made?

Rachelover40 · 20/08/2019 16:19

I wouldn't like it but you could just tell her that you would rather she didn't do your laundry.

percheron67
Why do you leave period stained pants with other washing. Put into soak as soon as you are home. Yucky!!
--

Quite agree, I don't understand why people don't rinse out stuff like that in the bathroom.

BluebellCockleshell123 · 20/08/2019 16:19

I would hate this too! It's just too personal for me.
If she wants to be helpful then she should ask what she can do to be helpful.

messolini9 · 20/08/2019 16:22

@LightDrizzle has excatly WHY it is intrusve & weird spot-on:

I wonder how the mothers and MILs who do this kind of thing unbidden and without asking would react to wondering where their adult child or DIL or SIL had got to one visit to their house, only to find them rooting through their dirty laundry or picking items off their bedroom floor, in order to put a wash on to help.
Doubtless some really want to help, but I think it is often an act of dominance.
I wouldn't dream of doing it without asking, even for a close friend.