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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Hubby not invited to best friends wedding

150 replies

Georgina25 · 19/08/2019 11:36

My best friend of 13 years is getting married next year and she's just told me and our other bestie our partners are only invited to the evening.

Now I got married this year and she was my bridesmaid, her partner and her baby were invited for the whole day, they got along well with the other bestie and everything was grand.

I've told my partner there was a chance he may only be invited to the evening and he was really put out which I was a bit too, they're not super close but they've known each other 7 years! We even looked after her baby overnight a few weeks ago so they could go to a party

Do I say anything to her? If my husband went to his best friend's wedding and didn't even question why I was only invited to the evening id be upset. She said it's to keep numbers down but even so, surely it's just the done thing that your husband is invited when you are?

OP posts:

StroppyWoman · 19/08/2019 16:42

I’m sorry your DH was hurt.
So, you just go to the evening thing with him, go on your own with your other pals during the day and your husband in the evening, or risk damaging a friendship by confronting the bride about why DH is excluded and how hurt you feel.

Personally I’d be fine about it, put it down to budget constraints and family/in-law pressures I can know nothing about. Revise my expectations of the day, and have a damned good shindig with my pals.

It’s not only about you and your DH, she’s got the expectation, conflicting demands and preferences of 2 whole families to juggle.

brassbrass · 19/08/2019 16:42

Yes, a wedding is the joining together of two people - it is distinctly odd to celebrate it by insisting that other couples are unjoined for part of the celebration of joining!

Some people just can't fathom the point of a wedding celebration!

Eustasiavye · 19/08/2019 16:46

Whilst I would not expect my best friend to come without her dh, I would just go along with it. Little else you can do about it.

brassbrass · 19/08/2019 16:46

she’s got the expectation, conflicting demands and preferences of 2 whole families to juggle.

Doesn't every bride I'm sure OP would have faced the same at her wedding but she managed to invite her 'friend', her friend's DP and their baby!

Lweji · 19/08/2019 17:05

I'm sure OP would have faced the same at her wedding but she managed to invite her 'friend', her friend's DP and their baby!

For all we know, she had a bigger budget or smaller family or less friends.

brassbrass · 19/08/2019 17:08

She's certainly got one less friend now! 🤣

Witchinaditch · 19/08/2019 17:08

There was a thread the other day from a bride to be saying she’s not inviting partners to the wedding is it the same wedding?

AlmostAJillSandwich · 19/08/2019 17:10

She isn't obligated to invite your partner just because you invited hers.
If they need to keep numbers down, it is much easier and fairer to cut a friends partner, than a family member.
Afer all, YOU are her friend, she wouldn't know your partner otherwise so he wouldn't have been invited anyway.
If i could only afford a certain number of people in order to have the wedding i really wanted, i'd cut none family members partners first (well, after kids) rather than leave out an uncle, cousin etc.

stucknoue · 19/08/2019 17:31

Depends what she means by limited - 30 people, all family apart from you, or 80+ "close" friends

Trafalger · 19/08/2019 17:44

I think its very poor manners. I have been to a wedding alone before and it was shit. Really shit. Yes I knew other people there but most of then had other family members there that I had never met and they wanted to catch up with them. I ended up by myself a lot of the day. I would always refuse a single invitation now incase it happened again. I also refuse evening only invites unless very local.

Coconutbug · 19/08/2019 18:30

I think weddings are really difficult sometimes and you are entitled to have who you want their. I have been married 5 years and I recently had a wedding of a friend, originally partners weren't invited at all but bride decided they could come to evening. Along with cost she doesn't know some of the partners that well and didn't necessarily want people she didn't know there along with having a big family and other people to invite. She explained all this to us and in all honestly I didn't really mind from the beginning. We don't really socialise with our partners as such it's mainly just us girls, we were sat on a big table of us girls and had a lovely time. Some partners came on the evening but we all agreed it was nice to have some seperation.
Im sure she has her reason and you never know they may end up being invited or upgraded to the day. I know we had about 10-15 family members etc invited to the day of our wedding, which we couldn't not invite but they couldn't make it for various reasons so we ended up 'upgrading people' and they all understood.

stoplickingthetelly · 19/08/2019 19:12

I find things like this totally bizarre and unnecessary really. Have a wedding you can afford without leaving people out. Of course your dh should be invited all day, I find it really quite rude of your friend. When me and dh got married, dh’s cousin had a boyfriend who we had never met, but who the cousin lived with so we invited them both - as a couple. It would never have occurred to us to invite the cousin on her own because we didn’t know her boyfriend. Your friend has known your husband for quite a while which makes this situation even stranger.

Original poster

Georgina25 · 19/08/2019 19:29

Wish I did not expect this many replies..just left work and found over 130 messages!

I get that every wedding has a budget, we had 50 at our day, but I feel like she's my best friend and has been for 13 years! When speaking about my wedding she was always very sure that partners should be invited because it just makes sense.

She's inviting around 40/45 to hers and has a big ish family, so I get it's tricky and that's why I'm torn between saying something and just getting on with it. My priorities have always been different and I'm more of a people pleaser whereas she will say/do what she feels to look after herself..which I do admire a bit. Even if it makes me feel a bit forgotten when she was a part of my day. Which i add was not my idea, both best friends insisted I needed them as bridesmaids

OP posts:

Original poster

Georgina25 · 19/08/2019 19:29

Woah**not wish

OP posts:

Ginger1982 · 19/08/2019 19:34

I think if she is your best friend you could just casually and nicely drop it into conversation somehow?

GPatz · 19/08/2019 19:35

Thank God for all sorts or we would all be boring.

HariboBrenshnio · 19/08/2019 19:40

I don't see any problem with this. My best friend of 10 years gets married next month. Both she and her boyfriend came to my wedding. She's just invited me to hers, and not the kids who she's very close to, because they are going super small and my friendship with her is the important part on her wedding day. It doesn't change the fact she has a great relationship with my husband and kids.

I think you're both taking this too personally and you should be doing whatever she wants for her wedding, you're different people with different ideas of what your wedding looks like.

NeelixFelicis · 19/08/2019 19:50

YANBU.
Weddings are a great way to find out where you stand with friends and family.

It's one of those occasions where those people who know "the cost of everything and the value of nothing", will always let you know.

TanMateix · 19/08/2019 20:03

Considering all the hassle and money you will have spent as a bridesmaid by the time the circus is finished... would it be far less than a plate of food for your husband?

It is as simple as that, if she is asking for so much but giving nothing in return... hardly a best friend, isn’t she?

Ellmau · 19/08/2019 20:20

When speaking about my wedding she was always very sure that partners should be invited because it just makes sense.

Well, that really makes her seem unreasonable.

Can you ask in a non-judgmental sort of way why your DH didn't make the cut?

WelcomeToShootingStars · 19/08/2019 20:42

I think it's very rude to shun partners. For me, either invite the full couple or neither.

WhereYouLeftIt · 19/08/2019 20:47

"When speaking about my wedding she was always very sure that partners should be invited because it just makes sense. "
Well at YOUR wedding, such a statement was in support of HER partner. Whereas at HER wedding, YOUR partner just doesn't matter.

"I'm more of a people pleaser whereas she will say/do what she feels to look after herself..which I do admire a bit."
You need to be less of a people pleaser, you really do! She needs to be less self-centred and selfish.

Blondeshavemorefun · 19/08/2019 20:58

If she’s having 45 then assume no partners are going

Oneborneverydecade · 19/08/2019 21:02

We had a small wedding - only 20ish guests - on a weekday afternoon and didn't invite any of my friends husbands. I've known one husband 25 years but we don't socialise regularly with any of them. I think all of them were pretty glad not to be using up annual leave to attend a wedding out of politeness, my friends had fun together and we kept costs down

TeaStory · 19/08/2019 22:57

Have a wedding you can afford without leaving people out

Sometimes those things are mutually exclusive.

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