Hubby not invited to best friends wedding

[Georgina25]

My best friend of 13 years is getting married next year and she's just told me and our other bestie our partners are only invited to the evening.

Now I got married this year and she was my bridesmaid, her partner and her baby were invited for the whole day, they got along well with the other bestie and everything was grand.

I've told my partner there was a chance he may only be invited to the evening and he was really put out which I was a bit too, they're not super close but they've known each other 7 years! We even looked after her baby overnight a few weeks ago so they could go to a party

Do I say anything to her? If my husband went to his best friend's wedding and didn't even question why I was only invited to the evening id be upset. She said it's to keep numbers down but even so, surely it's just the done thing that your husband is invited when you are?

They are getting the invite to the best bit. It looks like they are on a budget, of course you and the other friend should be invited to the whole thing as you are all friends, but the partners even though know each other it's prob a different relationship than what the girls have.

I'm sure the men are delighted not to have to go to the whole thing, the cermony and meal is so boring. At least you'll have someone with you that you know, I've been invited to weddings where I didn't know anyone and my dh would come along to the evening. Mind you if he had his way he wouldn't go to any of it as he doesn't like weddings either. 2 extra people will bump up the cost alot, then they'll prob have other people wanting to go to the whole thing.

Just go along with your other friend, have a few drink, a laugh and look forward to your fresh, awake partners who will be ready to party.

I just think there’s a lot that gets lost with weddings these days. A lot of it is about the day and the frills that go with it. I would never dream of not inviting my best friends husband. A wedding is about the people and the celebration. It’s not about offending friends for the sake of the wedding frills. And of course we have no idea what the op’s friends circumstances are. But in my case I cut out a lot of things that other friends and family had at their weddings so that I could
Afford to invite who we wanted. I had no wedding car, no flowers at the venue apart from one on each table, no photographer, no favours, no bridesmaids, no evening do with more food, No photo booth, no free wine.
We couldn’t afford it. But we had the best time with our family and all our close friends and their spouses.
It just makes me sad that a happy occasion to celebrate love can often be difficult for friends and family for reasons like this.

Maybe she did exactly that and just doesn't like him much? This is fine but again not great in someone you consider a best friend who played a role in your wedding and who attended with her DP and baby.

It's not the wedding so much as clearly their friendship isn't what the OP thought it was. So best to decide which bit you're happy attending and demote the friendship in the meantime.

I wouldn't do overnight babysitting which is a big ask for any 'friend' who didn't like my husband!

Maybe she only wants a very small wedding with the people who are closest to her.

Weddings have really become very strange if so many people think this is acceptable. New boyfriends/girlfriends that you haven't met - fine not to invite them. Your best friend's husband of seven years - extremely rude not to invite them! The only way I would think this is accetable is if she was having a tiny wedding with parents/siblings and a couple of closest friends, then a large party for everyone else in the evening.

I'm sure the men are delighted not to have to go to the whole thing

OP's DH is not delighted at all hence this thread. He was expecting to be invited seeing as they are all friends.

The only way I would think this is accetable is if she was having a tiny wedding with parents/siblings and a couple of closest friends, then a large party for everyone else in the evening.

Which is what it sounds like it could be...

Depends on the numbers really. If the daytime ceremony is say 25 max then you can see it might be tight who is included. If the daytime number is say 60 then I would be thinking how many people who have made it on to the list would they trust with their baby overnight?

It’s you who is the friend, not your husband. She has said they need to keep costs down and it’s a pity you obviously don’t understand that their financial situation is not the same as yours, and you could afford to invite all day and she can’t.

You have a choice, accept the reality, ie she can’t afford what you did, she is your friend go and enjoy the wedding and meet up with your husband in the evening, or be petty and decline the invite and not expect the friendship to survive

I think the main thing that your friend has done wrong is not explain. If I’d been your bridesmaid and my partner & child had been invited I’d be embarrassed if I couldn’t reciprocate. I would have spoken to you about it before the invitations had gone out and hopefully any bad feelings/hurt would have been avoided. There probably is a good reason and it’s probably budget related but she’s handled it badly. In fact, she hasn’t handled it at all.

Personally I wouldn't say anything. You've had an invite and it's up to you whether you're able to attend. I think you mentioned there were a few friends invited without their partners, so I don't think it's a personal snub. Do the partners know each other and could they do something together instead?

Going forward, if the daytime is huge and there's loads of people there, I would potentially re-assess the closeness of the friendship. If it's a tiny affair, then I would accept that there were limited numbers and your DH didn't make the daytime cut.

It's tricky, people have different priorities and what you choose for your wedding isn't the same as what other people choose.

If they are having 100+ guests then it’s a bit rude, if they are having a very small wedding with a big evening do then YABU.
People choose to have the wedding they want, some big, some small.

If it's to keep numbers down, would you really expect your DH to be invited at the expense of one of her friends/family?

It's weird that he's not invited. Lots of people saying it might be because the friend doesn't like the OP's DH but I don't think this is the case as the other friend's partner is not invited either.

Just to add that previously mentioned granny may well be doing the babysitting for the evening do that partners have been invited to.

I worked out what venue I could afford based on numbers. Not the other way around

How?
A registry office is the cheapest; the biggest one within an hours travel from mine holds 65 people. According to a leading wedding app, venues around me that hold 100 people average £8k, 120 people or more is £12k. That is an insane amount of money. They don't include canapés or drinks in the prices, so those are extra costs per head (and although they are optional, feeding the guests you have is the least you can do, really!)

For a registry office wedding, I could either invite just family (his side is massive), or he can cull off some of his family and we can do our close friends and their partners, but there's no room for kids. Switching to the £8k venue means we can invite close friends, his family and kids, but you're then looking at £11k for costs before photographer, flowers, evening entertainment, giving notice, what we'll wear...

His parents would be devastated if we eloped, abroad weddings are considered hugely inconsiderate. How do you win here?!

Is your friend normally rude? Is this the trait of her in general or just around this situation?

If it’s not the norm I would give her the benefit of the doubt, yes it is odd especially as you are close friends I had the opposite at my wedding that my best friend and maid of honours partner who I have met twice was invited ( they live together ) and he didn’t come ... I thought that was him being rude to her.

On the same token though I did think well that means I can invite my godmother who I actually know and has meaning in my life.

And that’s what it was boiling down to we had room for 60 and thank god my husband has a small family because we don’t.

Your friend like most will have a budget to stick to ... but also an idea of how the wedding will look.

If you don’t feel happy with her reasons and it’s worth loosing a friendship Over then don’t go, not inviting someone to the main part of a wedding is not meant to be an insult it’s a constraint on budget or space.

Unless your friend is generally a bitch ... then dump her ass you don’t need friends like that

You can find places in your budget. Those aren't great examples. It's possible to put a package together cheaply. If you want to spend 8k that's up to you but don't hide behind venue hire. I've attended weddings in all sorts of locations from function rooms in pubs to grand residences. Town halls are usually able to offer more than one registry room with different capacity seating and fees to match. There's something for everyone.

Agree there is something for everyone and all budgets.
Not all venues are hotels etc anchor

Well... I had to leave my husband at home when he couldn’t come to my best friend’s wedding. I had no kids but I was pregnant, my friend:

1. Called him to tell her she was sorry he couldn’t make it but was very grateful he was happy for me to go, and that he would take good care of me.
2. He sent him a thank you gift via Amazon for the gesture.
3. on the morning of the wedding, I got a huge flower arrangement, bestie sent to say how grateful she was for my effort to be there for her.
4. Next time husband and I were in their city, they took us out for dinner to a mega expensive restaurant, again as a thank you for getting my pregnant self abroad on my own for their wedding. At the end of the day, husband absorbed some of the costs of going to that wedding (I couldn't normally afford £££ to assist to parties without someone helping paying the bills)

If she had said husband was only invited to the evening do.... She would have been downgraded from best friend to inconsiderate bitch on the spot. At the end of the day, it costs abloody fortune and it takes a lot of time to be a bridesmaid

I married in a register office.
I got a lift with my dad, no wedding car. My husband came by public transport.
The evening do was a buffet in a hotel function room with a cheap disco.
No free wine, we had to have a cash bar.
Our cake was off the shelf from a supermarket.
Our photographer kindly cut us a very cheap deal.
I had no bridesmaids.
I had no flowers, not even a bouquet.
I had no table decor, except some hearts cut from tissue paper that I did myself.
My husband wore a suit he already had.
My dress cost £60.

But YEAH I could have cut more corners or got into debt to please people who think I should have had a bigger do!

Of course it’s fucking rude. I hate it when people on mn say it’s about keeping costs down. Bull shit excuse. Never heard of it in real life. Unless the best friend has been slagging off the husband and it’s a way of keeping him out of reach for the day. Getting married should not be a license to piss on other people’s feelings. I’d be upset too.

Ask her for more info Op - if it's genuinely numbers / budget then it's perhaps understandable but in reality, it's extremely rude and it would be a major blow to the friendship for me (& is certainly never be babysitting again!).

You must know millions of people! I had a budget wedding. Small ceremony and big party. Managed to invite and cater for everyone we wanted to. No culling and no hierarchy of friendships. It's doable but sounds like yours was still a struggle despite your efforts.

@LittleLongDog

What was the outcome of the thread @bluetue

The tread got pulled as the op had been identified in real life.