Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be so angry and upset at this?

107 replies

inthedarkx · 17/08/2019 15:46

So just a quick back story to anyone who doesn't know my situation. Husband left me with 5 kids, was pregnant with 6th. He got a new gf within 4 weeks of leaving, introduced her to my kids ect. And has been seeing his kids when he sees fit ect

Anyway fast forward to today I've had baby 12 days ago, she was prem. And he told his employer he will need paternity leave off so he booked it from 8th September according to him as that's when i was supposed to be due. But I asked him to now take it when she was born because I needed help with the others and he said no he won't he will keep of for September ( when I won't need his help then!)
So my mum was left with them for a week as i was in hospital a week, he came now and again to help. My mum spent loads of taxis when he drives. He didn't come to the birth, said he shouldn't have to as it's my 6th and not a novelty and my birth was traumatic

Anyway this week he's only come to see his kids wed 7pm and saw them 2 hours max, thursdsy 7pm and saw them 30 minutes and Friday came at 7 and saw them for around 3 hours. But last week he told me he would have them all day Friday (yesterday) but then this week told me he's booked a job(for yesterday) and can't have them till later.

Anyway the thing I'm angry for is he's dedicated all today to spend with his girlfriend and hasn't worked today which I've found out but cancelled his kids Friday!!! Every Saturday he has free now he spends with his gf because he kids stay out with their dads/family members. So I never get a Saturday off from the kids. He hasn't stayed to bond with the baby. Yes picked her up a few times and that's it. Baby stopped breathing the other day and he didn't even come here to have the other kids whilst I went to the hospital.

I'm dreading what next week he enlightens me with.
And even though he's got his own flat now he said he will have kids overnight when he gets a bed sorted ect but he will give me different nights every week and I will never have a schedule. And he will always work it around what his girlfriend wants. Every time I complain about this to him he says 'you wanted these kids so deal with it' and I said why have you not been here to bond with the baby and he says 'when you behave i will ( what he means by this is when I stop telling him how wrong he is for doing this)

Now he's said he will come tomorrow and have the kids all day but I know he will be here later than what he's said. How can I have a life.

I also don't trust him and his girlfriend to have the kids together because I don't think they will put the kids first

OP posts:
Ravingstarfish · 17/08/2019 15:50

Might it be worth seeking legal advice to get a court order in place so he doesn’t keep letting them down. Also contact child maintenance so he provides financially. However with 6 kids I think it will be a while before you ‘have a life’

JontyDoggle37 · 17/08/2019 15:51

Court. Go to court and get a set contact order. It’s the only way.

flumpybear · 17/08/2019 15:52

Get legal help, he's a shit father

sweetkitty · 17/08/2019 15:54

I agree go to Court get a contract for contact and maintenance

HaudYerWheeshtYaWeeBellend · 17/08/2019 15:55

Arrange times, he can’t just pop in when he feels like it.
If he’s late then he doesn’t get to see the kids.

You can’t force him to have his kids, but you can set boundaries, I’d also not be allowing visits to be at home.

If he wants them then he takes them out.

Contact child maintenance

ElleDubloo · 17/08/2019 15:58

Tell his employer everything - this “paternity leave” is fraudulent.

Frouby · 17/08/2019 15:59

Contact CMS if you haven't already.

Then you need to accept that he is a wankerbastard, will let you and your dcs down and probably lose contact with them. All you can do is protect your kids as much as you can. It's fucking shit, he's a fucker and he should be helping with his dcs.

But he won't.

Original poster
inthedarkx · 17/08/2019 16:00

I've just found out he's at a restaurant with his gf when be said he couldn't see his kids today coz he was working
Honestly it's upsetting

OP posts:
blackcat86 · 17/08/2019 16:03

Stop contacting him. Why are you keeping this debate going. You know he's a shit dad and you would almost be better off knowing you have no help and getting support from friends or your mum than waiting for mr wonderful to swan in for half an hour. He has no interest in your DC or what he should do so stop letting him hold you for ransom. If he wants to see them he can go to court and get a proper contact schedule.

blackcat86 · 17/08/2019 16:04

Isn't that the issue though OP. You've got 5 kids and a new baby but your obsessing about what this waste of oxygen is up to.

Skittlenommer · 17/08/2019 16:06

Why would you have 6 children? Confused

It’s literally making a rod for your own back and choosing to have a far more difficult life for no good reason!

SombReroIguana · 17/08/2019 16:06

But even with a contact order he can’t be forced to see them can he? Not sure how it works
Get him for as much maintenance as possible and use it for childcare etc if you need help if he won’t. He sounds lazy and selfish

SombReroIguana · 17/08/2019 16:08

why would you have 6 children

There’s the answer OP! Can you return a few of them ....Hmm
Honestly not sure how that kind of comment helps in the slightest as OP was pregnant with the youngest when they split up

Skittlenommer · 17/08/2019 16:12

@SombRerolguana There’s the answer OP! Can you return a few of them ....hmm
Honestly not sure how that kind of comment helps in the slightest as OP was pregnant with the youngest when they split up

It wasn’t an attempt to help I’m genuinely dumbfounded as to why someone would have that many children. There is no guarantee (as is the case here) that you and your partner will always be together. That has to come into consideration when planning how many children to have... you may end up doing it alone.

AloneLonelyLoner · 17/08/2019 16:12

I think it's reasonable to wonder at what point this man turned into the sort of shit you wouldn't have one kid with let alone six!!

How does that happen overnight.

In any case, get to a lawyer ASAP.

And contact the CSA or whoever deal with it now.

YABU to have 6 kids with this knob.
YANBU to want to take him to the cleaners and complain about his treatment of his children.

Bridget1983 · 17/08/2019 16:13

Can’t imagine how hard your life must be right now - focus on your new baby and the other kids and be kind to yourself - you’re doing an amazing job 😊👍

ICouldBeSomebodyYouKnow · 17/08/2019 16:20

I think as long as you keep expecting to act reasonably, you will be disappointed. So, reset your expectations of him based on how he actually behaves now, rather than how you would like him to behave.

Assume he doesn't want to be involved, and take it from there - you an then see that any support he provides is a bonus, rather than a right that you have.

It's tough, it's shit, you have a lot on your plate. Don't make it even harder for yourself than it already is by expecting more from him.

CallmeAngelina · 17/08/2019 16:22

Any chance he's booked a holiday for his supposed paternity leave?

MollyCuddle · 17/08/2019 16:23

He's a shit dad, it's hard now but honestly stop obsessing over what he's doing and why he's not with you, you can't make him be a good dad or force him to see the dc.

I've got a big family and someone once told me that although it's hard when they're little what you give to them you get back tenfold when they are older and it's true mine are all young adults now and honestly it's brilliant most of the time.
Imagine when they're older and they want you there for the important days and he will feel like a spare part if he's there at all.
Just concentrate on making a lovely little bubble with the people you love .
Just do it by yourself and with the support of your mum and friends it will be worth it in the long run.

Would definitely ring his work though and say his paternity leave is fraudulent.

CSIblonde · 17/08/2019 16:29

He's not going to change, so cut your losses as its going to impact on the children when they're overlooked & let down over & over. Get a set contact schedule via Court Order & if he's late or wants to change it then its tough.

Cannotresist · 17/08/2019 16:33

Unfortunately you cannot force someone to have contact so there’s nothing a lawyer can do, why are people suggesting this ?

Maintenance is through cms and court only gets involved if exceptional finance

Poochandmutt · 17/08/2019 16:37

Are you just on here to have a moan ? And have us all pat you on the back and agree ,yes it’s awful how dare he
Well yes it’s awful .pat on back it’s awful ,we all agree
Now what are you going to do about it?
You need regular maintenance from him ,6 kids should be a fair wack of his salary.
That’s your first battle
Second.stop letting him in the house,stop worrying if he has boned with baby .hes a shit dad ,she has you ,that’s enough.
Come on honey fight for your rights and stop making things easy for him

Poochandmutt · 17/08/2019 16:37

Bonded

redexpat · 17/08/2019 16:39

Wait 15 minutes after the agreed time and then go out. Dont let him control you and the kids.

Write a timeline of previous arrangements - the agreed time, and the actual time he showed up.

Congratulations on number 6!

TeachesOfPeaches · 17/08/2019 16:40

I followed your last thread OP and your ex did say he didn't want anything to do with the new baby and would leave you if you had it - which he did.

Have you come to terms with being a single parent OP? You have a number of very tough years ahead of you. Unfortunately men can opt out of being active parents so I think you will need to plan for this.

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.