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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be so angry and upset at this?

107 replies

inthedarkx · 17/08/2019 15:46

So just a quick back story to anyone who doesn't know my situation. Husband left me with 5 kids, was pregnant with 6th. He got a new gf within 4 weeks of leaving, introduced her to my kids ect. And has been seeing his kids when he sees fit ect

Anyway fast forward to today I've had baby 12 days ago, she was prem. And he told his employer he will need paternity leave off so he booked it from 8th September according to him as that's when i was supposed to be due. But I asked him to now take it when she was born because I needed help with the others and he said no he won't he will keep of for September ( when I won't need his help then!)
So my mum was left with them for a week as i was in hospital a week, he came now and again to help. My mum spent loads of taxis when he drives. He didn't come to the birth, said he shouldn't have to as it's my 6th and not a novelty and my birth was traumatic

Anyway this week he's only come to see his kids wed 7pm and saw them 2 hours max, thursdsy 7pm and saw them 30 minutes and Friday came at 7 and saw them for around 3 hours. But last week he told me he would have them all day Friday (yesterday) but then this week told me he's booked a job(for yesterday) and can't have them till later.

Anyway the thing I'm angry for is he's dedicated all today to spend with his girlfriend and hasn't worked today which I've found out but cancelled his kids Friday!!! Every Saturday he has free now he spends with his gf because he kids stay out with their dads/family members. So I never get a Saturday off from the kids. He hasn't stayed to bond with the baby. Yes picked her up a few times and that's it. Baby stopped breathing the other day and he didn't even come here to have the other kids whilst I went to the hospital.

I'm dreading what next week he enlightens me with.
And even though he's got his own flat now he said he will have kids overnight when he gets a bed sorted ect but he will give me different nights every week and I will never have a schedule. And he will always work it around what his girlfriend wants. Every time I complain about this to him he says 'you wanted these kids so deal with it' and I said why have you not been here to bond with the baby and he says 'when you behave i will ( what he means by this is when I stop telling him how wrong he is for doing this)

Now he's said he will come tomorrow and have the kids all day but I know he will be here later than what he's said. How can I have a life.

I also don't trust him and his girlfriend to have the kids together because I don't think they will put the kids first

OP posts:
MyCatHatesEverybody · 17/08/2019 18:03

Don't listen to the posters telling you to get a court order - why should you pay for something you can't enforce? A court order will only dictate the times you need to make the DCs available for access but he can still choose not to turn up at the last minute, if at all, and there'll be nothing you can do about it. Instead decide what reasonable access days you want to offer and stick rigidly to it. Then if he doesn't agree he can pay to go to court.

JoxerGoesToStuttgart · 17/08/2019 18:04

What the actual fuck at some of these comments!! Shock what’s wrong with you people?

OP he is a shitstain.

He isn’t it worth a single second more of your stress or emotional energy. Judge Judy would tell you to get down on your hands and knees, kiss the ground and thank god he is gone from your home. And I would second that.

Seriously, he will mess you around for as long as you allow it. What you need to do now is speak to a solicitor about formalising contact and child support payments. You cannot force him to see the children, but equally he cannot force you to even available as and when it suits him. Children benefit from a regular routine of knowing when they will see each parent. He won’t provide this unless he is forced. You need to go down the formal route for arranging contact. Don’t engage with him anymore.

Whosorrynow · 17/08/2019 18:05

this man is only going to bring more trouble and problems

Skittlenommer · 17/08/2019 18:10

I think for some of you it’s your first day on the internet!

thenightsky · 17/08/2019 18:17

Any chance he's booked a holiday for his supposed paternity leave?

That would certain explain why he won't change the date.

Bluntness100 · 17/08/2019 18:22

Op, he was clear here he wanted you to stop having babies and felt you were selfish having so many, and wouldn't be involved if you had the sixth, I don't know how you keep falling pregnant or how this situation occurred ie a repeated contraception failure, but you knew he was going to leave as he couldn't take any more kids.

I do think uou need to adjust to this reality of he will only part time see the kids as it's too much for him now.

Hoppinggreen · 17/08/2019 18:29

news thank you, I can see that now
Apologies to OP

Original poster
inthedarkx · 17/08/2019 18:34

Thanks everyone

Just to clarify if he didn't want any more kids then why has he gone one to have one with his gf?
He always gives me dates and changes them when he changes plans with his gf. His gf also posts stuff as 'public' on Facebook to' gloat' at how happy they are and today with the 'check in' to the restaurant. Instead of posting it as ' friends' she vindictively posts as public. They are both toxic. And I only looked at her page because I knew he was messing me about with contact and I wanted it confirmed. I know i can't rely ok him anymore for anything. I get told a few days before on when he's seeing the kids and it's always dependent on him and her schedule. He was supposed to come tomorrow but I'll cancel with him, do my own thing and give a break to decide how I'm going to change all this so he doesn't have the control

OP posts:
SparklesAndUnicorns · 17/08/2019 18:40

I have this exact same issue but I only have two children and he never even just pops in it is beyond shit I totally understand why you are so upset by this. I don't have a lot of advice I just wanted you to know you aren't alone. No excuse for it you can't just be a parent when you feel like it

Lovemenorca · 17/08/2019 18:42

Just to clarify if he didn't want any more kids then why has he gone one to have one with his gf?

Because he’s a toad OP. And after 6 children it is truly astonishing you have not grasped that fact.

RB68 · 17/08/2019 18:43

I would be of the mind to refuse all access to force him to court if he wants to see them. He may or may not go to court but if he does then you agree when the kids will be avail and he has to stick with that. If he doesn't then you know how much it all means - and yes get cms involved although they are about as useful as a chocolate teapot most of the time it means he may take it seriously and contribute

Bluntness100 · 17/08/2019 18:44

His girlfriend is pregnant? Hmm

JoxerGoesToStuttgart · 17/08/2019 18:51

Just to clarify if he didn't want any more kids then why has he gone one to have one with his gf?

Or not had a vasectomy.

Brakebackcyclebot · 17/08/2019 18:52

OP, I'm going to be fairly blunt here.

STOP looking at Facebook. All you are doing is poking the wound.

STOP expecting him to be anything other than a shit dad. You can't control his actions and trying will use up all your energy. It is a waste of time.

Focus instead on what YOU can do to improve YOUR situation. Put your energy I to that.

What choices do you have?
Who could help you?
Do you work?
Can you claim benefits if you aren't already?

Contact the CMS re maintenance.

A court order would be expensive and quite possibly futile, since it cannot force him to see the children.

CallMeRachel · 17/08/2019 19:01

Urgh... Hmm

Sebw · 17/08/2019 19:03

This is an awful situation for OP, but surely shopping her ex to his employer could backfire if he loses his job. How will he be expected to contribute for 6 children then? Maybe he wouldn't lose his job, but is it worth the risk. I hope things work out for you.

WatchingFromTheWings · 17/08/2019 19:06

His girlfriend is pregnant?

If I remember correctly from a previous thread there will only be a couple of between the 2 babies.

Poppi89 · 17/08/2019 19:14

What is the gf like? Could it be a good idea to message her if he doesn't turn up and explain (nicely) that he was meant to see his kids and your concerned that they're not spending enough time with him. She might not know that he's choosing her over them so might encourage him to do more, especially if hes trying to impress her she might have more luck than you.

Bluntness100 · 17/08/2019 19:29

Eh.,I don't think it needs to be said, but don't message the girlfriend as poppi is suggesting, that might be thr worst advice ever posted on here. And that's an achievement 😂

MollyCuddle · 17/08/2019 19:39

He's a waste of time.
Look at your children and think what advice you would give to them.
You can't expect them to grow up into well adjusted adults when all the see is a waste of space father and a mother who is only interested in what their dad is doing.

Do your best by them and leave him to it, it's out of your control.

Poppi89 · 17/08/2019 19:49

@Bluntness100 Why is it the worst advice ever?
Op doesn't have to take my advice or anyone elses but it's just a suggestion as her asking him to see the kids isn't working and going through courts is going to cause a lot of time and stress. Not every other female is someone that you need to hate, it says she got with the ex after they split so it's not like she was the OW or anything.

My dds dad didn't see her until his new gf found out and said she wouldn't be with a man who didn't see his kids and I would be exactly the same if I met a man with kids from a previous relationship.

Candymay · 17/08/2019 21:17

Please don’t message the gf!
You need to let go of this ‘man’ as painful as you will find it to do.
You are on your own with the children. He doesn’t want to be a father. In my opinion you are blessed because you are the one with the children but it will be very difficult and excruciatingly painful whilst you are in this phase and still desperate for your husband to take a role in your lives.
He doesn’t want to. That makes him a pretty awful father and not someone you need now.
If you have parents and friends who can help then keep those relationships strong.
Try not to look at social media. It’s just torturing yourself. One day you will wonder what you ever saw in him and you will recognise the favour he’s done you by leaving.
I’m a single parent and I’ve been through a lot. Single and happy is a bloody good way to be.
Congratulations on your new baby!

Jamiefraserskilt · 17/08/2019 21:55

So, start making arrangements for two weeks of kid free days in September. Tell him which children he will have and when. Some one on one with the baby to be included. Then watch him squirm out of it because he has booked two weeks holiday with his gf.
He helped make them bit is not going to step up and face his responsibility. Get it all formalised via a court order asap!

Skittlenommer · 17/08/2019 22:54

Just to clarify if he didn't want any more kids then why has he gone one to have one with his gf?

He’s produced 7 children!? Has he ever used contraception or does he have any knowledge of its existence?

Amioverreacting123 · 17/08/2019 23:00

Tell him to fuck off. Sounds like your well rid of him to be honest.

You need a break but sadly it sounds like he isn’t going to step up to the mark and be there consistently for his kids.

Set days that are good for both of you and don’t be dictated to by him. If he wants to act like a dick then let him but your kids will know that it’s him who’s put the bare minimum effort in.

Maybe a court order would be a good idea? Hope you get it sorted and congrats on the little one Flowers

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