To be so angry and upset at this?

[inthedarkx]

So just a quick back story to anyone who doesn't know my situation. Husband left me with 5 kids, was pregnant with 6th. He got a new gf within 4 weeks of leaving, introduced her to my kids ect. And has been seeing his kids when he sees fit ect

Anyway fast forward to today I've had baby 12 days ago, she was prem. And he told his employer he will need paternity leave off so he booked it from 8th September according to him as that's when i was supposed to be due. But I asked him to now take it when she was born because I needed help with the others and he said no he won't he will keep of for September ( when I won't need his help then!)
So my mum was left with them for a week as i was in hospital a week, he came now and again to help. My mum spent loads of taxis when he drives. He didn't come to the birth, said he shouldn't have to as it's my 6th and not a novelty and my birth was traumatic

Anyway this week he's only come to see his kids wed 7pm and saw them 2 hours max, thursdsy 7pm and saw them 30 minutes and Friday came at 7 and saw them for around 3 hours. But last week he told me he would have them all day Friday (yesterday) but then this week told me he's booked a job(for yesterday) and can't have them till later.

Anyway the thing I'm angry for is he's dedicated all today to spend with his girlfriend and hasn't worked today which I've found out but cancelled his kids Friday!!! Every Saturday he has free now he spends with his gf because he kids stay out with their dads/family members. So I never get a Saturday off from the kids. He hasn't stayed to bond with the baby. Yes picked her up a few times and that's it. Baby stopped breathing the other day and he didn't even come here to have the other kids whilst I went to the hospital.

I'm dreading what next week he enlightens me with.
And even though he's got his own flat now he said he will have kids overnight when he gets a bed sorted ect but he will give me different nights every week and I will never have a schedule. And he will always work it around what his girlfriend wants. Every time I complain about this to him he says 'you wanted these kids so deal with it' and I said why have you not been here to bond with the baby and he says 'when you behave i will ( what he means by this is when I stop telling him how wrong he is for doing this)

Now he's said he will come tomorrow and have the kids all day but I know he will be here later than what he's said. How can I have a life.

I also don't trust him and his girlfriend to have the kids together because I don't think they will put the kids first

Thanks again everyone. So ive spoken to him again, and asked him for complete set days. He says its impossible because he works shifts and i have to accept the different days he can give me or else im spiteful and angry. Says the kids will hate me and he wont see them if i want set days so he expects me to come to him every week asking him what days hes having them. And im expected to do this 'for a while' ive told him how does he expect me to move on and have a life like that
He said 'you dont work so dont need set days' 'you wont have a life now anyway you have 6 kids'

Ive spoken to a solicitor and theyve said all i can do is ask him to be reasonable and if he isnt then i should go to mediation and last resort court. Am i really being spiteful? Why should i have to constantly wait for him week by week to tell me the days hes having them. Ill constantly have to work my week around him why just because i dont work i deserve that. Oh and apparently ill never have a life with 6 kids. Im really upset

Make an offer each Sunday night for the next week. If he doesn't show then unfortunately you can't force him. See a solicitor for mediation, if he won't go then it's to court. A judge won't agree to his logic that your life is at his beck and call.
And I met my dh when I had 10dc so he is wrong about that too op!!
Get a cheap phone and use it just for him and block him on your proper number. He has no right to harass you. Send your offer on a Sunday then put the phone away..
Keep all messages and whether he shows or not.

Shift work can make things difficult for access schedules. The usual 'EOW and a weekday' sort of has to go out the window if someone doesn't work a set schedule.

But even a shift worker will know their schedule ahead of time. First thing to do is find out (if you don't already know) exactly when he gets his schedule and how many days it encompasses. For example, he's told on Thursday his schedule for two weeks beginning that following Sunday. I'm sure there is some 'lead time'. I doubt very much that he's told on a Sunday that his shifts begin the next day!

Once you know that then you should be able to start figuring access out. He tells you on the day the schedule is set what his days are for that period and you tell him what days the DC are free. You shouldn't have to cancel plans already made, but it would be good to let him know of them as soon as possible so he can try to schedule his work days around them.

He won't do any of this of course, but YOU doing your part will make you look reasonable and cooperative in court.

Again how will court help. An order obliges you to make the children available it does not force him to take them. Please don’t waste your money this way

@Skittlenommer

Why would you have 6 children? confused

Why would you bother making such a shit comment?

Yeah, Court is no use to the OP at all here. Court won’t make him turn up. It can order set days but he doesn’t have to turn up. The only thing the order will do is restrict OP to being available on those days, getting her kids ready for him and then sitting at a window watching for him to arrive. Which he won’t. The order only restricts OP and the DC. Not him.

OP I advise you stop contacting him. Ignore any contact from him. When he asks to see the kids, either ignore him or tell him they aren’t available. Repeat repeat repeat. Either he will be so angry about this he will go and see a solicitor and arrange mediation at which point you can negotiate the contact arrangement with the mediator present or take it to court if no agreement is made. Or he won’t care that he isn’t seeing them, in which case they’re better off not seeing him.

In the nicest possible way OP....

You have 6 kids. One of which is a newborn! Put aside thoughts of having your own life, social life etc. That time will come. But you made your bed - having 6 children with a weasel and now is the time that you just have to focus on parenting.

OP all you are coming back to us with is how awful it is and its not fair. Yes, we know. He knows too. He's always going to treat you like shit.

Decide what you want to do, get maintenance from him. Go to court so you have set contact times or take part in this for another 18 years. Its only going to get worse. As for him bonding with the baby - really?

Your expectations are reasonable but he will never meet them so you need to stop or you will be let down and disappointed over and over again.

Make all contact with him through text or e-mail, contact CMS asap, STOP LOOKING AT HIS AND OW'S SOCIAL MEDIA. It will drive you mad.

Text him asking which days, overnights he will be having the children. Do not let him into your house.

Good luck to you and your children.

I would contact his employer and let them know, he’s making life shity for you, so feel free to do the same to him. I think you need to be prepared with yourself he isn’t going to be any help to you and his kids. I would give him a month to step up, if he doesn’t cut ties as the kids are just going to end up getting hurt.

I read your other two threads and I have sympathy for you op, I really really do but you have to let this go. He does not want to be a father to your 6 kids and nothing you can do will make him want that. Unfortunately men can walk away like this and you are going to have to accept it.
The best thing you can do is pretend he doesn't exist. Plan your life and your childrens life to suit yourself and then if he contacts you requesting access get him to go to court for it. Make him prove he wants it and if he thinks it will spite you and that you don't want him to see the children he may actually comit to seeing them on his days.
You can't make him be a good father. All you can do is be the best mother possible to your children and live in the knowledge that when they are older they will know you were always there for them.
Also unfollow him and his girlfriend on facebook. There's nothing you can do about him choosing his girlfriend over his kids but you can prevent yourself being upset by not having to see it.

You need to stop whingeing and make an actual DECISION OP.

I don't even have kids and i've no patience for this kind of malarky so god knows how the hell you find the energy for it with 6 kids!

If it were me -
I would communicate via text/email only so there is a written record of the communication, if you need to phone then TELL HIM the call is being recorded for your own safety.
If he refuses to arrange set days/times for contact - i'd stop all contact with the dc and tell him to take it to mediation/court. IF/when it gets there, you will have proof of his dickhead attitude and behaviour which has brought things to this point.
Apply for maintenance and ask them to take it directly from his wages because he isn't trustworthy or reliable.

Build your life without factoring him into it.
He's going to come and go and mess you about as and when he pleases - so YOU NEED to take full control of your life NOW.

It's hard but as PP have said, you need to look at moving forward and what's best for you and your children. If you don't work then surely the non-set days aren't a big issue? Make sure you don't cut your nose off to spite your face, you'll get some help that way. If that doesn't work for you then don't do it. Definitely go to court for maintenance but don't expect fair decision of labour between you, it just doesn't go like that sometimes and its unfair on you but that's the way it is.

How can I have a life.

You have six children, including a newborn, and a father who doesn't care about them. You're not going to have a life. I know it's harsh, but it's the fact, and it will be better for you if you accept it and plan on that basis rather than pour energy into being angry with their dickhead father.

OP I'm sorry this dickhead has entered your life but I think you really need to let go of any image of him as a father to your children. He has no intention of doing right by them. He just enjoys the occasional contact and he's only capable of thinking with his dick which is why the new GF is flavour of the month. Don't worry in a few years she will discover what a deadbeat he is.

You need to start getting your life organised as if you are totally alone. Don't depend on him for anything. He will only let you down. Once baby is a bit older and youre feeling stronger, take him to court.

Stop torturing yourself with what he is up to with his new gf. Block all their social media accounts and if anyone tries to tell you what they're doing say you're not interested. He told you he would leave if you went ahead with this baby and you must have known it would leave you with six children without a job. Concentrate on what you have in front of you. You can't force him to have the children full stop so I think you have to accept what time he is offering but he does need to financially support them.

If I'd seen him check into a restaurant when he had cancelled looking after his own children, I'd be tempted to drive to the bloody place and if he was there just dump and run

If he was a rational person I'd say that perhaps explain to him that set days are best for children to establish a routine especially if you are taking them to extra ciric classes / sports / baby classes etc. If he really can't do set days then he needs to give you his rota as soon as he gets it and make the kids a bloody priority not last on his agenda. He sounds like a cunt tbh.

If you don't work then surely the non-set days aren't a big issue?

Of course they are. How long do you expect her not to work for? She is now a lone parent with 6 children to provide for. Should she put her entire life on hold incase he wants them on Friday? Should she not be able to arrange play dates, days out, holidays etc incase he wants them? Set days benefits everyone. Everyone knows where they stand and what days they will be where. Non set days only benefits him. He gets all the flexibility with no commitment to actually turning up.

If you don't work then surely the non-set days aren't a big issue?

OP deserves 'downtime' too and the chance of a social life, even if it's just doing a hobby/going to the gym/whatever.
She needs a routine with the dc so that she can make plans for this...this way she can be a mother of 6 and still have a 'life'.

If the babies were due very close together, was he hoping for double paternity? Anyway, he’s missed the first two weeks now, so if you phone work they should stop him taking it in September.
He’s not up for living with six kids, I doubt he’ll step up to maintain a relationship as a single dad. I’m so sorry. Concentrate on the kids for a bit, and your life will eventually return

I'm sorry op your going through a shit time I echo what other people have said. Stop looking at social media, you know he's a grade A shit. It will only make things/you worse. Your dcs in time will learn what a shit excuse of a dad he is

My dad left my mum with 5dc, we had contact with him maybe twice a year. We all resent him now and barely see him. She never bad mouthed him, she didn't need too. We all learned what a shit dad he was for ourselves. My mum is amazing for bringing up 5 kid by herself. I don't know how she done it but she did and you will too! You will have a life again op

The court order posts are well meaning but they don't work that way. This guy doesn't want to fight for his time with the children. I used to wish mine would have any desire to be a part of his children's lives but he only wanted to be in a long list of women's lives. Much more fun for him, you see.
You need to wise up like I did, and soon for your own sake. If you don't then week after week, you'll be heartbroken all over again for your children and driven mad wondering why he won't step up. There is no need to wonder: some men just don't have it in them. He's one of many deadbeat fathers out there. Lower your expectations dramatically.

I would contact his employer and let them know, he’s making life shity for you, so feel free to do the same to him. I think you need to be prepared with yourself he isn’t going to be any help to you and his kids. I would give him a month to step up, if he doesn’t cut ties as the kids are just going to end up getting hurt.

And the award for the shittest advice on this thread goes to....

PPs have told you what to do OP and you keep ignoring it. You seem to enjoy the drama. Stop contacting him as others have said. You can't force him to see the children. You can get a court order for some money.

And you don't seem to have taken any personal responsibility for this.
While we live in a society where you are the victim and everyone says "poor you" you will never change and that will not be good for your children. You really should be focussing on them as they are having to face with a new sibling, a mother who has been ill and the loss of their father. THEY need you. Stop thinking about yourself and concentrate on them.