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Original poster

To be so angry and upset at this?

107 replies

inthedarkx · 17/08/2019 15:46

So just a quick back story to anyone who doesn't know my situation. Husband left me with 5 kids, was pregnant with 6th. He got a new gf within 4 weeks of leaving, introduced her to my kids ect. And has been seeing his kids when he sees fit ect

Anyway fast forward to today I've had baby 12 days ago, she was prem. And he told his employer he will need paternity leave off so he booked it from 8th September according to him as that's when i was supposed to be due. But I asked him to now take it when she was born because I needed help with the others and he said no he won't he will keep of for September ( when I won't need his help then!)
So my mum was left with them for a week as i was in hospital a week, he came now and again to help. My mum spent loads of taxis when he drives. He didn't come to the birth, said he shouldn't have to as it's my 6th and not a novelty and my birth was traumatic

Anyway this week he's only come to see his kids wed 7pm and saw them 2 hours max, thursdsy 7pm and saw them 30 minutes and Friday came at 7 and saw them for around 3 hours. But last week he told me he would have them all day Friday (yesterday) but then this week told me he's booked a job(for yesterday) and can't have them till later.

Anyway the thing I'm angry for is he's dedicated all today to spend with his girlfriend and hasn't worked today which I've found out but cancelled his kids Friday!!! Every Saturday he has free now he spends with his gf because he kids stay out with their dads/family members. So I never get a Saturday off from the kids. He hasn't stayed to bond with the baby. Yes picked her up a few times and that's it. Baby stopped breathing the other day and he didn't even come here to have the other kids whilst I went to the hospital.

I'm dreading what next week he enlightens me with.
And even though he's got his own flat now he said he will have kids overnight when he gets a bed sorted ect but he will give me different nights every week and I will never have a schedule. And he will always work it around what his girlfriend wants. Every time I complain about this to him he says 'you wanted these kids so deal with it' and I said why have you not been here to bond with the baby and he says 'when you behave i will ( what he means by this is when I stop telling him how wrong he is for doing this)

Now he's said he will come tomorrow and have the kids all day but I know he will be here later than what he's said. How can I have a life.

I also don't trust him and his girlfriend to have the kids together because I don't think they will put the kids first

OP posts:
Summerunderway · 17/08/2019 16:50

Cms on Monday.
And email his boss.
I was a lp with many dc so you have my support op.
And empathy.
But....
You are giving him way too much head space - when you should be enjoying your baby.
He isn't committed sadly and no judge can insist he steps up.
Concentrate on you and the dc building a relationship with the new addition.
Offer ex a set day /times , if he doesn't show then it's up to you to make sure the dc don't care - ime.
Time wasted bitching about him is time you could be enjoying your dc.
It really is his loss if he stays away.
My dc are nc with their df - meanwhile my relationship with them is bloody fabulous!
They need 1 decent stable parent. You!
Flakey fuckwit they def don't.

Bumbags · 17/08/2019 16:52

6 kids......omg

Get him to court immediately

SmellbowSmellbow123 · 17/08/2019 16:59

@Skittlenommer

I missed the part where the op asked your opinion on the number of kids she has.

You are so RUDE.

53rdWay · 17/08/2019 17:03

It wasn’t an attempt to help I’m genuinely dumbfounded as to why someone would have that many children.

So maybe ask somewhere else other than the thread of someone who’s clearly going through a tough situation with her children and looking for support?

Cobblersandhogwash · 17/08/2019 17:04

He won't change.

He's a shit father.

Your dcs will have to bear that bitter disappointment.

I would stop relying on him for anything.

Ellie56 · 17/08/2019 17:06

And definitely shop him to his employers. To be eligible for Paternity Leave and pay employees must be:

taking time off to look after the child or their partner
be responsible for the child’s upbringing

which this wanker certainly isn't doing.

www.gov.uk/employers-paternity-pay-leave/eligibility

littlemeitslyn · 17/08/2019 17:07

How helpful Skipper Hmm

Byorderofthepeakyblinders · 17/08/2019 17:09

I'm so sorry that you are going through this.

I agree with others that you need to stop expecting anything from him, he sounds like a waste of space. Seek legal advice surrounding child support and access as he can't be allowed to continually let his children down in this way

Pollypenguin01 · 17/08/2019 17:12

TBF he did tell you he wanted nothing to do with this child should you go ahead with the pregnancy so he is literally doing as he said he would.
Obviously this makes him a shit parent and pretty shit human but you can’t say he didn’t warn you or show you repeatedly what his true colours are.

You need to take this to court or he’ll fuck you about forever.

Go to court, get it all sorted legally and absolutely sick to the court order rigidly.

I’m sorry you are going to have a very tough time but you’ll get through it. When your kids are older they’ll see what a crap father he has been and I’m sure will appreciate you even more but until then it looks like it might be difficult for a while. Try and rally round as much family/friends support as you can as clearly you will never be able to rely on him.

Yabbers · 17/08/2019 17:14

So maybe ask somewhere else other than the thread of someone who’s clearly going through a tough situation with her children and looking for support?

Usually I’d agree, but there does come a point where straight talking is necessary. As a PP pointed out, at what point does a person realise that their partner is always going to let them down? I’d have thought the penny would have dropped long before nr 6 came along. Did the OP really think this time he’s step up and be a father or has she been living with her head in the sand. How many will it take before she gets it and changes things so she isn’t constantly angry and let down?

gingersausage · 17/08/2019 17:19

Honestly love, he told you what a twat he was, and he’s followed through. It’s obviously difficult but you have to accept that and start learning to live with it.

Fix a day and time for him to see them and stick to it, but don’t tell them he’s coming. Then you don’t have to un-tell them when he can’t be arsed and deal with the fallout. If he calls or texts and wants a different day just keep repeating “no, we agreed Saturdays at 10” or whatever.

You keep letting him in because you hope he will change his mind and come back. He won’t. And even if he does, he will carry on shagging his GF and he will fuck off back to her every five minutes. Is this the sort of chaotic life you want for your children? Sadly I think it probably is.

Carthage · 17/08/2019 17:22

How many of these children did he actually want though? If he only wanted two or three and you had six deliberately, then I have some sympathy with him. Although obviously he could have had a vasectomy or used a condom, did you put pressure on him to have more kids than he wanted? I generally think the person who doesn't want more children should have the casting vote in that situation. I'm saying this not to berate you but maybe if this is the case, he may have a reason for not being so engaged with the kids. Even two children is hard work but six means your life is practically all about children.

It does sound like you have to prepare yourself to go forward as if he will not give you any help and be less bothered about what he is doing. Focusing on him will only stress you out further.

53rdWay · 17/08/2019 17:28

'there does come a point where straight talking is necessary'

What is 'straight talking' about having 6 kids going to achieve here though? She's going to shove a few of them back in? He's a dick, he's going to continue to be a dick, that's the problem she needs to address here. Wide-eyed "please explain to my childfree self why you decided to continue with your last pregnancy, I just don't understand why people do that!" is not going to get her there.

sayhellotothelittlefella · 17/08/2019 17:30

This reply has been deleted

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AcrossthePond55 · 17/08/2019 17:32

You need to manage your expectations. I know, it's not fair and it's not easy in your situation. But you are never going to be able to change him or get him to be a better father or more reliable. So all you're doing is causing yourself stress and heartache. It's not affecting him at all, other than the momentary irritation you cause him when you try to speak to him about it and all he does is turn that into resentment at you 'trying to control him' 🙄. In other words, this is hurting you more than it's hurting him.

Get a court order by all means!!! Set out an access schedule, that's always a smart move. But remember that having an access schedule simply says when he is allowed to see the DC. It doesn't say he has to. So even after the order, it doesn't mean that he will see them more than he already is. It just means that you will know when he is supposed to see them. It will be up to you to decide how flexible you want to be. The downside, of course, is that he will also be able insist that he have the DC on his access days, even if you (or they) have other plans.

messolini9 · 17/08/2019 17:32

I said why have you not been here to bond with the baby and he says 'when you behave i will

So glad he is your ex, OP.
His new g/f is welcome to him - a man who can decide at will whether he will bond or not with his own baby, & uses that manipulation to control you with.

Ensure you get the maximum financial contribution possible from his - CMS if need be - & fuck him off. Don't ever make arrangements which depend on his reliability. Just focus on you & your own little family unit for now. None of you need a 'man' around who can decide that his love for his own children is so coldly conditional.

AcrossthePond55 · 17/08/2019 17:34

And it doesn't matter how many children he wanted or how they came about. They're HERE NOW and that's all that matters.

If by some chance OP 'tricked' him in to having more than he wanted, then he should have gotten the snip after it happened the first time!

53rdWay · 17/08/2019 17:35

When his current girlfriend dumps him and he tries to wheedle his way back into your life again - don't do it. He isn't going to be there for his kids. He isn't going to be there for you. You are in a really tough situation at the moment, and time and energy you spend on trying to get him to behave like a decent human being is time and energy wasted. Go down the legal route for child support and contact and stop expecting anything of him, except "to let you down again at the first opportunity you give him".

HaileySherman · 17/08/2019 17:36

Congrats on baby! You must be friggin' exhausted! What an utter shit your ex is! Now, go directly to court and get child maintenance ordered so you can count on that, I imagine you'll need it. While there, get his visitation court ordered. None of this working around the girlfriend's schedule bullshit. Show up for drop off, wait 15 minutes, he doesn't show, move on and make note. If he doesn't take his court allowed time, it may shift the balance and get you more maintenance money. For your sanity, don't depend on him for shit. Always have a backup unless he proves himself reliable in the confines of the court order. Don't be afraid to use some maintenance money to pay for a weekly child minder for a few hours a week. Really try to buget that if possible so you can get a tiny break. Get ready to really "buck up". This isn't a normal situation with a divorce, you have 6 kids and currently no dependable support. You got to get ready to fight for your life and your kids. Don't allow yourself to get swallowed whole by this situation. Take ANY help you can get, friends, parents, relatives. Screw anyone who has anything to say about it. You got crew of little people looking to you to get them through this, and you can. You didn't choose to have this happen, and after 6 kids it must be a shock to realize their father is a dick. You can do it. Just remember whose counting on you, and that someday they'll be telling their kids stories about how strong you were to get 6 kids through life by yourself.

ukgift2016 · 17/08/2019 17:43

I followed your last thread OP and your ex did say he didn't want anything to do with the new baby and would leave you if you had it - which he did.

Ah I remember that thread. OP, men can choose to walk away and you took that risk when you had your 6th child.

He is a twat, no denying that but personal responsibility must be taken here as well. You had 6 children with a man who has turned his back on his own kids.

If you need support, I would contact other agencies such as social services. There is no shame in that. Focus all your energy on your six children.

Lovemenorca · 17/08/2019 17:46

You can get legal involvement re money

But no court in this country will force a non resident parent to see their child. If he shrugs his shoulder and agrees to £ involvement, then that’s as best you can hope

Hoppinggreen · 17/08/2019 17:49

He sounds like a shit
Are the children all his? It’s just that you mention the children being with their “dads”, apologies if wrong.
If they aren’t then he only really has responsibility to this that are his

Sicktobloodydeath · 17/08/2019 17:53

@Skittlenommer it appears you’re incapable of seeing the point of a thread, let me help you... OP is looking for your advice not your judgement.

OP, he does sound like a sorry excuse for a father I really feel for you. It speaks volumes that his GF as a woman isn’t pulling him up on his behaviour. She’s just as bad. I’d definitely cut contact with him if at all possible.

bluetue · 17/08/2019 18:00

You need to lower your expectations of him I'm afraid he is just a shit father.

If you want him in your kids lives you will have to go to court

Newschapter · 17/08/2019 18:01

@Hoppinggreen I think the OP meant her exdh girlfriend's children are with their dads.

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