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Original poster

to keep outings secret from my daughter?

101 replies

Wetwashing00 · 17/08/2019 14:54

My DD age 11 sees her dad EOW, during the summer hols we do a week each.
My DS is 5 and lives with me & his dad.
We all do a range of things together as a family. Swimming, parks, day trips, travelling, cinema, holidays, parties.
We also chill at home, go to the library, make up tutorials, pamper nights, movie nights,Lego, bike rides etc..

If the particular activity doesn’t appeal to one child they will get to choose something next time.
Both kids also get to do an activity with me alone.

My daughter seems to think it’s unfair that her brother gets to do things when she’s at her dads. She expects us all not to do anything or go anywhere because she can’t come.
Her dad also does things with her and his family although probably not as much as us.
He is taking her abroad this year so they haven’t had any outings so far this summer holiday. Which sucks a bit I suppose to an 11 year old. But she gets free range on her dads compound, hangs out with her mates all day etc.

I have started keeping some things secret from my daughter so i don’t spark jealousy in her. She could completely kick off at the thought of her brother getting a McDonald’s whilst out shopping.

Some of my friends said that she needs to learn that her time is spent with her dad and it’s unreasonable to expect us to sit at home thumb twiddling. But I can’t deal with the headache of her tantrums.

Should I continue keeping it a secret?

OP posts:
Skang · 17/08/2019 14:58

I definitely wouldn't lie if she asks and most definitely wouldn't ask your DS to lie. I'd maybe not offer the information up voluntarily though.

JasperTheFriendlyGhost · 17/08/2019 15:02

Personally i wouldn’t keep it a ‘secret’ as such, just don’t mention it to her or when she’s around. If it does come off just brush it off as no big deal and tell her that her brother deserves to have fun too.

Not sure if that makes sense, I mean don’t keep it a complete secret and actively hide things (leaflets, souvenirs, rubbish even etc) from her because if it comes out further down the line it will blow up 10x bigger than usual.

DisplayPurposesOnly · 17/08/2019 15:07

Agree with the other posters and your friends.

Some of my friends said that she needs to learn that her time is spent with her dad and it’s unreasonable to expect us to sit at home thumb twiddling. But I can’t deal with the headache of her tantrums.

Of course you can. You're the parent.

Cohle · 17/08/2019 15:09

I think finding out that you and her brother have secrets together and that she is being lied to will be far more damaging and hurtful long term than accepting that life goes on when she is at her dad's.

Sometimes the path of least resistance is tempting but I really don't think it's a good idea in this case. She likely already feels left out and anxious - lies will only make her feel more excluded and insecure.

PotteringAlong · 17/08/2019 15:11

Don’t lie to her, you are storing up a whole heap of trouble for the future.

LG93 · 17/08/2019 15:11

As someone who grew up in a similar family dynamic, I think she's old enough to learn that life will go on while she sees her dad. While I wouldn't arrange massive day trips like a theme park or similar while she was away, shopping, parks etc are fair game. I'm sure she won't be worrying about whether it's fair on her younger brother while she is being treated on holiday, or in other years when she has more day trips with her dad. She needs to learn to accept that we can't all have everything all of the time, and I don't think that's unreasonable to expect of an 11yo.

Bookworm4 · 17/08/2019 15:11

I wouldn’t lie as it’s then expecting your DS to lie. Your DD sounds like a spoiled little madam, absolutely no way I’d have a child dictating what I can or cannot do. Tell her the things she does with her dad evens it out, should her brother get the equivalent of what she does with her dad?

MulticolourMophead · 17/08/2019 15:12

I think you need to take any tantrums on the chin and deal with them. I wouldn't be keeping it a secret. After all, she's getting outings, treats, holidays, etc, when she is with her dad. She needs to understand life doesn't stop just because she isn't there.

Fizzpopwhizzbang · 17/08/2019 15:13

You don't need to keep it a secret, just don't bring it up. If her brother mentions something or it happens to come up in conversation then don't hide it. She needs to grow up a bit.

TimeIhadaNameChange · 17/08/2019 15:19

I'd deal with it now rather leaving it til later, which is what you'll end up doing.

My sister was like that, but when she was 18 and had gone to university. Tried to dictate what my mother and I could do when she wasn't there. It was fine for her to go off places with her friends, but she expected my mother and I to sit at home waiting for her to visit. Needless to say that didn't happen, but I'm still (30 years later!) not allowed to mention something my mum and I did without her within 100 years of her presence, in case she hears and it upsets her. Even things that she was invited to but refused to come to. Of course she's allowed to talk about stuff she did with mum without me though.

In your shoes I wouldn't deliberately bring it up, or allow your DS to make a big deal of it, but she has to learn that life continues without her. Big up the holiday she's going on with her dad instead.

JayDot500 · 17/08/2019 15:20

Don't lie to her. Yes, the family dynamic she has is different to her brother's, but she has to learn that life goes on for both of you. Take an interest in what she does when she's away, and if she asks what you've done, do not lie. If she sulks, just leave her to it and focus on upcoming activities. There's no competition and she needs to learn how to handle her jealousy.

Original poster
Wetwashing00 · 17/08/2019 15:22

I don’t lie to her and I certainly don’t ask my son to lie either. But like a pp said I just don’t openly say what we have been doing. I won’t post on anything on social media what we are doing, as I don’t want her to find out that way.
If she asks or finds out I do tell her what we’ve done. I try to brush it off.

She doesn’t accept that she gets to do things with her dad aswell.
Most of the time she will be ok after a bit of sulking. But my god the moaning and whinging is headbanging.

OP posts:
Summerunderway · 17/08/2019 15:22

Ime it isn't fair on your ds to live half a life... Exh refused to let me take our dc away. I still took my other dc away /outings.
As adults my older dc are fine!

Userzzzzz · 17/08/2019 15:24

There is quite a big age gap so I’d have thought it would make sense for the 5 year old to do younger things while she’s not around that she wouldn’t have wanted to anyway. Life can’t stop. Are there other children on your ex’s side?

Derbee · 17/08/2019 15:24

I think the PP saying she’s a spoilt little madam is ridiculous and unkind. It’s not easy for kids to navigate these situations with separated parents and new families etc.

She’s probably nervous/worried about being left out of your new family. Don’t lie about outings, but don’t tell her about them unless she asks. She needs to understand that her brothers life carries on whilst she’s with her dad, and it’s not reasonable to expect him to do nothing whilst she’s away. Be kind, and sensible. And give her a safe place to express her emotions and worries.

But of course you are going to have fun outings with your son

TimeIhadaNameChange · 17/08/2019 15:27

Actually, going against what I just said, I wouldn't brush it off too much. What sort of a lesson is that to your DS? That what you do with him isn't much fun / very interesting? Especially if the way you talk about things you do together with your DD is much more efusive.

I realise I am seriously projecting here, but if you don't find the right balance your son could suffer.

Aquamarine1029 · 17/08/2019 15:28

Don't pander to your daughter's selfishness and jealousy. The world doesn't revolve around any one of us, and she needs to learn that.

Mrsjayy · 17/08/2019 15:32

I wouldbe breezy and light and say well next time i will ask your permission --your highness Grin she has Fear of missing out but the world doesn't stop because she isn't there.

I used to say to dd1 she was a bit like this if i could come with her when she meets her friends or why didn't she ask me and dd2 if we wanted to come to x y z with her she would look at melike i had lost the plot but it hit home how silly she was being.

kiki22 · 17/08/2019 15:32

Your setting her up for failure if you don't teach her the world doesn't revolve around her. She needs to know that life goes on and she wont be involved in everything with everyone.

HaileySherman · 17/08/2019 15:32

It's fine, in my opinion, as long as you aren't lying, which you said you're not so, no issue. Don't feel guilty for trying to make your life a little bit easier. She's young so she's going to feel like she's missing out, but as you pointed out, she gets to do fun stuff with her dad. I'd say just don't do anything that she could construe as a lie. That could be destructive.

diddl · 17/08/2019 15:33

Tbh, kicking off over a McDonalds is a bit much, isn't it?

I would have thought there's quite a bit that the 5yr old might like to do that she doesn't anyway, so that she wouldn't even be missing that much.

But if she's counting McDonalds then she's surely looking to get upset!

adaline · 17/08/2019 15:33

To be fair, it can't be easy for her - especially if she's not done much with her dad this summer and she knows you've gone out with her brother a lot more.

Walnutwhipster · 17/08/2019 15:36

It's a mistake to pander to your daughter. She is going on a holiday abroad your DS isn't getting. Has she refused to go because DS can't do that? Life isn't always fair and equal and that's an important lesson to learn.

sonjadog · 17/08/2019 15:37

I think she of an age when she needs to learn that life does not revolve around her. It's a very good life lesson to learn. I don't think you need to go out of her way to talk about what have done, but you don't avoid the subject either. Ignore the tantrums and whining.

diddl · 17/08/2019 15:37

"especially if she's not done much with her dad this summer"

That's often the case if there's a holiday abroad in the offing though, isn't it?

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