to keep outings secret from my daughter?

[Wetwashing00]

My DD age 11 sees her dad EOW, during the summer hols we do a week each.
My DS is 5 and lives with me & his dad.
We all do a range of things together as a family. Swimming, parks, day trips, travelling, cinema, holidays, parties.
We also chill at home, go to the library, make up tutorials, pamper nights, movie nights,Lego, bike rides etc..

If the particular activity doesn’t appeal to one child they will get to choose something next time.
Both kids also get to do an activity with me alone.

My daughter seems to think it’s unfair that her brother gets to do things when she’s at her dads. She expects us all not to do anything or go anywhere because she can’t come.
Her dad also does things with her and his family although probably not as much as us.
He is taking her abroad this year so they haven’t had any outings so far this summer holiday. Which sucks a bit I suppose to an 11 year old. But she gets free range on her dads compound, hangs out with her mates all day etc.

I have started keeping some things secret from my daughter so i don’t spark jealousy in her. She could completely kick off at the thought of her brother getting a McDonald’s whilst out shopping.

Some of my friends said that she needs to learn that her time is spent with her dad and it’s unreasonable to expect us to sit at home thumb twiddling. But I can’t deal with the headache of her tantrums.

Should I continue keeping it a secret?

You need to nip this in the bud now. She’s behaving like a spoilt little madam. She’s 11, she should absolutely be able to understand that her brother shouldn’t have to sit around waiting for her to return while she’s at her dads whether that’s on days out, holiday or just at his. She’s being incredibly selfish and you need to be the parent, don’t tolerate the tantrums which frankly she shouldn’t be having at the age of 11.

Don't lie, don't emphasise. There's a difference between a trip to town and a McDonald's, to a theme park visit, but also with a big age difference it's possible to choose outings more suited to the younger age when you only have one child. I think it's common by the way, and expect jealousy in reverse in the future

She needs to understand that there are 6 yrs between them.
Therefore you do different things and honestly you are not answerable to a child and you aught to tell her so.
She comes across as a spoilt brat.
God knows what she will be like when she reaches puberty.
Feel sorry for you already.

Is it jealousy of the actual things that you do though or more about her brother living permanently with both of his parents?

Does her dad also get the same complaint?

Well there are a certai number of weekends and therefore a certain number of outings. Your DD thinks she should get to do something every weekend (one wknd with you one wknd with her dad) but that her brother should only be allowed to do something on the weekends she is at home. So he gets half as many days out/trips etc.
I'd point this out carefully to her and sak her if she thinks that her brother getting half as much fun trips as her is fair.

She doesn't get to decide what to you do whne she is at her Dads anymore than her brother gets to say what she can do when she is at her Dads. Her dad might plan a huge treat of some kind for her and her brother would just have to suck it up.
I think it is probably not the fact that he is doing stuff as much as the thought that he might be doing something more exciting. Inr eality she would probably choose a weekend with her Dad over shopping and a McDonalds or whatver your DS has done.

I'd explain that she doesn't get to decide what you do when she isn;t there, but I would take the opportunity to do things with your DS that are age appropropriate for him that probably wouldn't interest her because that will benefit both of them. And if she moans that he has been to a Thomas The Tank Engine Show (Or whatever 5yr olds like ) offer to take her next weekend - she'll soon realise she doesn;t actually want to do what he is doing.

I wouldnt lie but I wouldnt rub it in her face ethier. I also wouldnt plan big outings

Prob not a popular opinion but the next time she throws a fit I'd tell her how spoilt and bratty she sounds.

She has a brother on her dads side too, doesn’t seem too fussed that he does things with his mum and her dad.
I’ve bigged up the holiday she’s getting,
I’ve reasoned with her, explained, reassured, brushed it off, been sarcastic, tried to joke it off.

She is like it with her friends too now I think about it.
She got jealous that 2 girls from her school went out together. She’s not particularly close to either of them but was annoyed that they didn’t invite her.
She is very attention seeking and I find it difficult to satisfy her with my time.
My son isn’t too bothered about her tantrums and I usually talk to her without him around.
But she will get jealous over such silly things, my son spent his pocket money on one of those train carousel thingys like that you find at fairgrounds but only really suitable for toddlers and little kids. Didn’t hear the last of that all week.

She sounds hard work I am not being sarky it must be exhausting dealing with it all the time, have you asked her why she feels like this and if she thinks she is being fair ?

"She has a brother on her dads side too, doesn’t seem too fussed that he does things"

Well she isn't with them that often so perhaps she doesn't feel left out when they do stuff without her?

It can be a hard age-still getting upset by stuff that shouldn't matter, not grown up enough to just shrug it off.

Maybe she finds it difficult to be part of two families?

Or she could just be making a scene for the sake of it!

@Derbee
It’s not u fair or ridiculous saying she’s spoiled. New family? I’m guessing it’s been like this awhile; her brother is 5!
Can we stop the MN way if anyone under 18 is a child like toddler and everything is analysed. She IS behaving like a spoiled entitled horror, she even does it about friends, sometimes shock horror a child is just an unpleasant jealous person; no reason just them.

I think a good dose of “tantrum ignoring” is the best way forward. Don’t try to justify or explain yourself to her if she gets to hear about something you’ve done without her. Let her have a massive strop if she needs to, but just walk out the room or carry on with your life without reacting to what she’s doing.

She sounds like she needs reassurance that she is loved as much as her brother. Sounds like she is looking for you to help her with these feelings. Yes, she's attention seeking - this is natural and not a bad thing!

Don't stop having outings with your son/partner, and don't hide these from her, but you need to talk to your dd about feeling jealous. Allow her to have her feelings, listen to her, spend time, etc. Is she worried about something in particular? How are things with her dad? Can she tell you about insecurities or fears she has?

Have you tried making 'dates' with her, just the two of you? Maybe try the 'special time' or 'love bombing' idea, I think that could make a huge difference to your relationship.

I think 11yrs of age is quite old to be having a tantrum, especially over such minor things.

I wouldn't pay her any attention when she goes off one.

It must be hard and lonely for her. She see's her two brothers who always have two parents and she has to leave each parent for significant periods of time.

Perhaps you could take her out on her own doing something she likes and during that time talk about what is on her mind. Maybe she is stressed by something else like moving school and new friends.

I'm sure she will not mind others doing their own thing in her absence in time, given some compassion and tlc.

Perhaps there are other issues at play too such as perceived inequality or unhappiness moving between two homes or emotinal distance from a parent etc.

puppymonkey is right let her get on with it but do remind her that tantruming is ridiculous at her age,

It sounds as if maybe your dd is scared that she doesn’t have such a high place in her mum’s family. Take it as a compliment. I think perhaps has some big and difficult feelings, which are hard to understand and she can’t leading her to maybe decide she’s undervalued. This is not because of anything you’ve done wrong.

My dd is also 11. Her friend having the hardest time with other friends doing things without her is the one with the most disruptive home life. She is bring absolutely horrible to all her friends as a result.

I don’t think your dd is a madam - neither is this girl. It’s a symptom. I think it may be time to have a chat. Nothing formal. Maybe when you’re doing her hair or cooking together about how it’s tough to be away from you and her brother even though she loves her dad and his family very much. Plan some girlie / more grown up things without her brother together at the weekend or get someone to take your ds on a play date.

That's often the case if there's a holiday abroad in the offing though, isn't it?

Maybe, but she's 11. She's a young child who sees her mum and younger brother going out while she's stuck at dad's house doing nothing exciting. She won't see it like an adult sees it.

She has a brother on her dads side too, doesn’t seem too fussed that he does things with his mum and her dad.

But you're her main home/family unit. She then has to come back to that and hear what she's missed out on.

My son isn’t too bothered about her tantrums - or he's hiding the fact the he is because he doesn't want to cause more upset.

What was your reaction to the train ride tantrum, and was she with you when it happened? Because if she was I'd have told her to then spend her own money to go on it like her brother had.

You really do need to nip it in the bud now. Not sure how, but it needs to be done. Otherwise there's the danger you'll get to the position my family is in now, 30 years later. My sister STILL can't stand me doing anything or going anywhere she hasn't done or been. I can't share plans with my mother for fear she'll have to tell her (because the poor princess can't be left out of the news, now can she?), which will then mean my sister will do her best to do the same thing or go to the same place before me. She refused to come on a family trip to Legoland when I was young, but then took her pals there the week before purely so that she could brag about having been before I got there,

Her acting the way she does has not only ruined my relationship with her, but also my relationship with my mother, because she spends so much time and energy appeasing her that I just get walked over. My mother would no doubt say that it doesn't bother me, and that we have the best relationship, but we really don't. My mother would be horrified, and upset, if she found out how much about me she didn't know.

" She see's her two brothers who always have two parents and she has to leave each parent for significant periods of time."

Yes I think so.

At her dad's there will be stuff that has happened between visits that maybe gets mentioned which she has obviously not been a part of & marks her out as not being there full time.

And then she gets back to find out that she has missed out on something there also.

@Bookworm4 it is unfair and ridiculous. It’s not always easy for a child to work out the relationships/circumstances of being part of two families. Empathy and compassion are much more effective than nasty name calling to an 11 year old.

Each to their own, but I prefer the route of love and compassion towards an 11 year old rather than dismissing a child as an “unpleasant, jealous person” 😳

You carry on as you are, I’m sure you’re right 🙄

@Derbee
Again she’s lived like this for at least 6 years I think that’s plenty time to accept and not be jealous and entitled or will that take until she’s 25? 30?

@Bookworm4 - or, in my sister's case, nearly 50!

You need to parent her through this! She’s old enough to deal with these emotions. It will be tough but then it we be easy.

Explain she’s feeling jealous and that’s ok but it’s not ok to sulk or tantrum. Discuss how she can deal effectively with those emotions.

Maybe find out some things that would really upset her if you did do them without her (we all have these things/super special stuff that are her ‘thing’ .... it drives me mad when my husband watches a certain program without me) but that everything else is ok to do with out her.

@time
Jesus wept, that must be exhausting!
Too much pandering and hand wringing just breeds these awful people.