to keep outings secret from my daughter?

[Wetwashing00]

My DD age 11 sees her dad EOW, during the summer hols we do a week each.
My DS is 5 and lives with me & his dad.
We all do a range of things together as a family. Swimming, parks, day trips, travelling, cinema, holidays, parties.
We also chill at home, go to the library, make up tutorials, pamper nights, movie nights,Lego, bike rides etc..

If the particular activity doesn’t appeal to one child they will get to choose something next time.
Both kids also get to do an activity with me alone.

My daughter seems to think it’s unfair that her brother gets to do things when she’s at her dads. She expects us all not to do anything or go anywhere because she can’t come.
Her dad also does things with her and his family although probably not as much as us.
He is taking her abroad this year so they haven’t had any outings so far this summer holiday. Which sucks a bit I suppose to an 11 year old. But she gets free range on her dads compound, hangs out with her mates all day etc.

I have started keeping some things secret from my daughter so i don’t spark jealousy in her. She could completely kick off at the thought of her brother getting a McDonald’s whilst out shopping.

Some of my friends said that she needs to learn that her time is spent with her dad and it’s unreasonable to expect us to sit at home thumb twiddling. But I can’t deal with the headache of her tantrums.

Should I continue keeping it a secret?

@Bookworm4 you sound nasty. I’m not interested in debating whether a child navigating potentially confusing relationships and situations requires a bit of compassion. You have the last word, and then carry on with your life. Because you sound lovely! 👍🏼

My DD gets upset when she hears about my EXH taking his other child on outings when DD is with me. Definite jealousy. I try to nip it in the bud saying as others have said - are they supposed to do nothing - but also I try to have some empathy, explaining that I understand how she feels etc. Compassionate but firm parenting.
Doesn't always work though!

Again she’s lived like this for at least 6 years

That doesn't necessarily make it any easier, though. 11 is the beginning of the teenage years so she's probably got hormones whirling through her mind as well as jealousy that she's missing out all the time.

If she's at mums, she's missing out on time with her dad, and vice versa when she's at dads. Both her brothers, on the other hand, never have to spend huge chunks of time away from their parents because they live with them all the time.

Making out than an 11yo is a spoilt madam because she finds that hard to deal with is pretty unfair.

I wouldn't keep it a secret, that's storing up trouble. She's old enough to be told you won't stop doing things just because she's at her dads. It doesn't mean you love her less.

We have a very close relationship, obviously butt heads a bit as we are both quite opinionated.

But we have our own special things together: our own programme that only we watch together and of course all the girly things that her brother doesn’t want to do.
We do get time alone together too, maybe not as much as she’d like.
She was not even 2 when me & her dad split so she doesn’t really know how awful her home life was then with him around. Her stepdad has always been loving and supportive. We all had such good times just the 3 of us and she really wanted a sibling.
I’ve pointed out to her that she has almost 2 of everything aswell.

I hope she will grow out of this jealousy thing. She seems to be on the edge of puberty.
That weird inbetween stage I call dolls & make up.

If she's at mums, she's missing out on time with her dad, and vice versa when she's at dads. Both her brothers, on the other hand, never have to spend huge chunks of time away from their parents because they live with them all the time

I think this is spot on.

I don’t think she is spoilt, I think she’s reacting to the situation where her half siblings have both parents all the time and life carries on as usual for them which means she misses out.

When you have a 5 year+ age gap the older child often misses out, because they can fit in but the younger one can't keep up with their preferred activity. Plus your DS gets his mum to himself when she's gone, and he lives with his dad, is related to everyone in the family, she is not. She is the odd one out who has to go elsewhere/have two homes.
Are there other children, grandparents, in her dads household? Does she like going there? Does she have step mum, how is that? How do you split Xmas, birthdays etc.
She has a lot to cope with and it all comes out in anger in teenage years, which she is near to. Don't lie, do explain, don't make a big thing of it but say you understand it's hard for her. Don't tolerate bad behaviour or rudeness but have boundaries about what's acceptable. Is she worse if she knows in advance or she finds out later?
It's last chance for her to be your baby, let her sometimes when she is insecure. Pay her a bit more attention, let your ds dad pick up the slack with him for a bit. She is in a transitional stage, probably moving school. It's tough.

I wouldn’t keep it a secret, I’d be explaining life doesn’t stop just because she is at her dads.

She’s old enough to understand that.

" and she really wanted a sibling."

Well she's got two-and she doesn't live with either all of the time!

As a pp has put, she's the only one who spends time at both houses.

She needs to learn, but also surely you would be doing things more suited to your 5 year old so less to her taste. I would keep doing things, but save big trips she would enjoy to do all together.

I think you'd be better off explaining why you are doing it. Listen to her and acknowledge her feelings (The How To Talk So Kids Will Listen sort of technique: Yes, I know it's really hard when other people have fun without us. I wish you could be with us too. But you wouldn't want to miss being with dad. And often we do stuff that your brother likes that doesn't really interest you. The important thing is that when you are here, we do stuff you really enjoy, What do you want to do next weekend?) That sort of thing.

Once you've opened up the conversation, you can explain that it isn't very fair or kind to expect others to do nothing when we're not around. You can use yourself as an example. 'You wouldn't be happy if I shouted and got angry that you had pizza at your friend's house, just because I wasn't invited. I want you to have fun when I'm around and when I'm not.' Just encourage her to recognise it's not the kindest way to treat others, and that you will always make sure she has a her fair share of treats and outings.

Oh, and if her brother goes to something, let him bring back something small for her from the gift shop, so she is still part of it. Can you take her, and maybe a friend to some more grown up thing, overnight perhaps as a special treat.

I agree with Diddl here ,She is 11 yo and already in her short life has had her parents marriage break up to deal with ,and a new younger sibling for each parent!. 11 is a difficult age anyway ,and school changes .oncoming puberty will probably make it worse .Can you take her out alone sometimes on "your" W/E?.Make a fuss of her ,some nice lunch or McDonalds if she prefers that. A sparkly new top perhaps, and just talk to her one to one .See if she has any worries about moving to Big School?.She probably feels she is the only one to have to move around ,and the Brothers get to stay home all the while .Point out she gets to do things with her dad as well and just see what she says .May help !

It is a strange age, even finding shoes, clothes, too big for girls but not grown enough for women's. A child one minute, almost adult the next.
She may not remember bad times as a baby , but it will have had an effect, her relationship with dad was disrupted at a crucial stage, perhaps neccessary, but maybe she doesn't remember living with him.
Model empathy and hope she shows some, but I don't think it's common at the this age.

She could completely kick off at the thought of her brother getting a McDonald’s whilst out shopping.

This is your problem. Not the outings. Her reaction to the outings. But instead of changing how she reacts you are changing how you behave to pacify her. You are pacifying a tantrumming 11 year old.

Oh need to stamp that out now before she is a teenager expecting you all to dance to her beat. She needs to accept that your ordinary family life will continue as normal when she is at her dads. End of story. Repeat as many times as she needs to hear it.

I hope she will grow out of this jealousy thing. She seems to be on the edge of puberty.
That weird inbetween stage I call dolls & make up.

Oh come on now. You need to step up to the plate.

Simply hoping she'll grow out of it is a cop out and to be quite honest, rather unlikely.

Wait til your jealous 11 year old turns into a jealous teenager. She'll probably be much harder to control.

No secrets. Of course find do anything she desperately wants to do as well and is not going to have a chance to do, but DS can't be confined to the house while she's off with her dad because that isn't fair to him.

It’s probably a good time for her to learn the world doesn’t revolve around her and that it’s just life that sometimes you can’t be there for everything, otherwise she is going to spend her teenage years very upset!

*don't not find

I don't think lying to her is the answer, because you're always at risk of your DS dropping you in it. I would probably do more of the things he prefers when she's not with you (assuming from the age gap there are things he enjoys that she doesn't) and save her favourite activities for when you're all together. Smaller things like a Macdonalds I wouldn't even bother to mention but if DS mentions it just let her have a little strop and ignore it!

@WorraLiberty
What would you suggest?
I’m already doing pretty much everything everyone on here is suggesting.

Children do grow and mature, they don’t behave the same all through out their life.

@wetwashing
They don’t all mature look at PP who has a sister like this 30 years down the line. Entitled kids become entitled adults, no secrets just plain speaking. Good luck.

Stop keeping secrets.

Deal with the 'headaches' of her tantrums (tantrums are what kids do best).

Ask her if she really expects her little brother to do nothing while she's away and if she thinks that's fair?

I definitely don’t let her tantrum away whilst I pet her.

But I am just repeating myself constantly.
How does one ‘nip it in the bud’

@WorraLiberty

I do deal with her tantrums, doesn’t mean I let her walk over me. It’s still a headache.

Yes, she does expect us to do nothing whilst she’s at dads. Just like I said in my op.
She’s thinks it’s unfair to her for missing out