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AIBU?

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Original poster

His STBXW still has a picture of them hugging as profile picture?

110 replies

CarolineEsche · 17/08/2019 13:23

Hi all, I am regular poster on mumnset but also regularly NC for privacy reasons (yes I am a bit paranoid!).

I have been dating a lovely man for 4 months. He has been separated from his wife since December 2018, so coming up 9 months. Mutual decision, very amicable terms, they have two DC together, whom they co-parent 50/50. Divorce proceedings initiated in June. I have been to his flat many times, spent weekends and week nights there, he is undoubtedly living by himself. He also calls and texts me from his place every day even when he has the DC, we go out on dates when he doesn't have them.

I very vaguely know his wife through overlapping social circles. I don't think she is aware of the fact that her STBXH is dating me yet, I respect it is his decision if and when to inform her about his dating life. I have met quite a few of his friends.

However, I have recently stumbled into her SM profile by accident (she came up as a "people you might know" profile) and I realised that her profile picture is a picture of her and STBXH hugging. Clearly a "couple picture", they hold hands and look very lovey dovey. She posts stuff on social media regularly, so she actively uses it from what I can see.

AIBU to think it is a bit weird? I mean they have been split up for a while now, and that picture seems a bit... odd, I suppose? I know it is none of my business what picture she chooses to use on her SM, but to be honest it makes me feel a bit uncomfortable.

Should I mention this to New Man, even though he probably doesn't have any control over it? What a bizarre situation Confused

OP posts:
Moominfan · 17/08/2019 16:59

Maybe they're not actually separated?

Willyoujustbequiet · 17/08/2019 17:46

The simplest answer is usually the right one.....they did split but something has rekindled.

If she is as active on social media as you say the profile pic is a message. A warning to other women that things aren't cut and dried like you've been told.

I got back together with my dp after a 6 month break. He'd got close to another woman after we split and told her that there was no going back for him. There was no malice in it but the time apart focused his feelings and we are happier than ever before.

Im surprised you're so trusting.

Tyersal · 17/08/2019 18:30

I would find it a bit creepy if my ex had kept a pic of the two of as a profile pic for more than a few weeks after we split and we were together for years

lilyflowerbloom · 17/08/2019 18:33

I don't understand how you've got any right to feel anything about what him and his ex wife do.

He dated you 20 weeks after he ended his marriage... And you've been together just as long.

What do you gain from her changing her profile picture?

You clearly just want an excuse for your boyfriend to tell her about you.

QueenOfPain · 17/08/2019 18:37

I wouldn’t expect any warm rational reception on MN with regards this particular dilemma.

Don’t you know that you and everyone else will forever have to bow down to this woman’s inappropriate behaviour and whims as is her right as the “first wife and uterus”?!

ScreamingLadySutch · 17/08/2019 18:46

@CarolineEsche please don't underestimate the depths of pain 'discarded wives' feel.

Nobody wants to get separated. They do it because they have to. And men seem to be able to move on (replace the appliance) very quickly.

I have to be honest with you. I am heartbroken. Fukkin heartbroken. No amount of time alleviates this sadness. Him? On to his 4th soulmate. Here is the bummer: it doesn't stop my pain and sadness AT ALL. No matter how much I logically 'understand' anything.

QueenOfPain · 17/08/2019 18:48

Also, maybe she has actually already heard about you via all of your mutual friends and has deliberately put it up to make you feel insecure about your relationship?

Perhaps she’s a sad cow that needs to move on with her life and go on some dates herself?

itwasalovelydreamwhileitlasted · 17/08/2019 18:53

Perhaps the break up wasn't as mutual as your DP has led you to believe

WorraLiberty · 17/08/2019 18:54

Should I mention this to New Man, even though he probably doesn't have any control over it?

Can you explain what you mean by 'probably'?

WorraLiberty · 17/08/2019 18:56

But I meant to say, as he hasn't told her he's dating, there is a small chance they're still having occasional sex.

I know many couples who have done that and still continued with the divorce.

If that's the case here, the profile pic doesn't seem so strange.

ScreamingLadySutch · 17/08/2019 18:57

"Perhaps the break up wasn't as mutual as your DP has led you to believe"

This.

Iggly · 17/08/2019 18:57

I would wonder about the terms of the separation to be honest.

HeckyPeck · 17/08/2019 18:59

I would find it a bit creepy if my ex had kept a pic of the two of as a profile pic for more than a few weeks after we split and we were together for years

Same here!

It’s weird. I take down couply photos straight away. Who wants their ex’s mug staring at them when they log in? Bollocks to that.

I would say something, but in a “that’s weird, I always take them down” way rather than “tell her to take it down.”

Lucie8881 · 17/08/2019 19:26

I'm surprised by the amount of women on here who wouldn't be even a little weirded out by it.

If it was role reversal and an ex-husband was keeping a couple photo his profile picture, I'm sure there would be comments as to this having possessive qualities about it. I know I would not have been comfortable with my ex doing this regardless of his motivation.

Sadly, there's not much that can be done your end. As time goes on I can only see it raising eyebrows from FB "friends" who know they have split irl but she keeps up the couple type photo.

KCM99 · 17/08/2019 19:50

The reason why you're feeling weird about it is because you are jealous. It's a normal reaction. You want him but you are not married to him, she is.

Original poster
CarolineEsche · 17/08/2019 19:52

You want him but you are not married to him, she is.

Uhm she is legally married to him yes, for another few months, but they are not together and their marriage is over. Otherwise I would not be dating him!!

OP posts:
ethelfleda · 17/08/2019 20:22

I think you need to grow up and find something else to do with your time. It’s just a picture.

sincethereis · 17/08/2019 20:58

I hate how PP are leaving comments like “you need to grow up” or “ you want him”. It’s typical mumsnet really.

OP, irl she is very very odd to have a photo of her ex.
You’ve explained how it’s very unlikely there a still seeing each other, so the only plausible explanation is she not over it yet. Getting over a marriage can be harder for some people than others.

I would ask NM to maybe let Ex wife know that he is in a new relationship e.g dropping it into a conversation or making it clear.

SelenaMeyer2018 · 17/08/2019 22:24

Lol OP are you dating my husband?? those timescales are very nearly a match... and I still have ‘us’ as my profile pick!

Maybe it will help you if I explain why though. My spilt is not without arguments and is very difficult although I suspect my husband is probably saying that it is fine and amicable.

My husband has also accused me of meeting someone else and dating. Whilst I suspect he is projecting his new situation, as me seeing someone would be easier for him, I am not giving him any reason to think that this is the case (which is the truth).

My husband is a nasty piece of shit at the moment accusing me of all sorts. For my own sanity and the stability of my DC everything will remain as it is until I have my Decree Absolut. Then I will feel free to be able to update my profile, but more importantly live my life as I want without being subjected to his cruelty and selfishness.

I sincerely wish you well OP. You’ve actually made me think that there might be a lady out there looking at my profile and it causing an issue. If that is the case I wish that person well :)

IceAndASlice123 · 17/08/2019 22:46

I know a couple who separated last year, both have new partners who they say they are blissful with but yet still have old photos of the both of them. Do find it odd as they despise each other.

swissmilk · 17/08/2019 23:33

It's still very early days in their breakup op. The h might be dating you, but a marriage breakup (if amicable) takes time emotionally. The fact that you have looked up the wife's FB profile says it all.

Sotiredofthislife · 18/08/2019 00:22

I wouldn’t expect any warm rational reception on MN with regards this particular dilemma

What ‘dilemma’ is that, exactly? That the OP is snooping around her partner’s ex’s social media and seeking some kind of validation about her piss poor behaviour from strangers? I can only imagine the comments about the ex if the tables were turned and she was digging around the OP’s life.

Does it cause the OP any problem whatsoever if the ex has a photo of her ex on her social media? Will she be in any danger if it isn’t removed? Do you think any adult gets a say in what is on another adults social media (assuming it is ‘clean’ and inoffensive)? You realise in the big scheme of things they haven’t been separated very long, that the ex may have her own (valid/not valid at all) reasons, or that things really aren’t amicable at all? That she may not even be on her social media very much to even think about it as problematic?

And I say all that who took her wedding rings off, changed the locks and blocked the ex and all known friends and associates on social media within hours of realising he was having an affair. My life, my choices. There are other areas of joint life I wasn’t so quick about. But what has that got to do with anybody at all?

IceAndASlice123 · 18/08/2019 08:06

Validation about her piss poor behaviour? She facebook stalled the woman. Hardly crime of the century is it?

Shouldbedoing · 18/08/2019 08:12

You can't divorce 'amicably ' after 6 months, you have to wait 2 years though change is coming to make it 1 year. Before that you need 'grounds'.

Original poster
CarolineEsche · 18/08/2019 08:54

Shouldbedoing we live overseas and here you can file after a 6 months waiting period for a"no fault" divorce.

OP posts:
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