His STBXW still has a picture of them hugging as profile picture?

[CarolineEsche]

Hi all, I am regular poster on mumnset but also regularly NC for privacy reasons (yes I am a bit paranoid!).

I have been dating a lovely man for 4 months. He has been separated from his wife since December 2018, so coming up 9 months. Mutual decision, very amicable terms, they have two DC together, whom they co-parent 50/50. Divorce proceedings initiated in June. I have been to his flat many times, spent weekends and week nights there, he is undoubtedly living by himself. He also calls and texts me from his place every day even when he has the DC, we go out on dates when he doesn't have them.

I very vaguely know his wife through overlapping social circles. I don't think she is aware of the fact that her STBXH is dating me yet, I respect it is his decision if and when to inform her about his dating life. I have met quite a few of his friends.

However, I have recently stumbled into her SM profile by accident (she came up as a "people you might know" profile) and I realised that her profile picture is a picture of her and STBXH hugging. Clearly a "couple picture", they hold hands and look very lovey dovey. She posts stuff on social media regularly, so she actively uses it from what I can see.

AIBU to think it is a bit weird? I mean they have been split up for a while now, and that picture seems a bit... odd, I suppose? I know it is none of my business what picture she chooses to use on her SM, but to be honest it makes me feel a bit uncomfortable.

Should I mention this to New Man, even though he probably doesn't have any control over it? What a bizarre situation

It’s less than a year since they separated, and less than six months since you have been dating. Still early days.

I don’t think you can say anything. You haven’t been together long enough.

8 months is no time at all.

I instigated my very amicable divorce from my ex husband, it was what I wanted, and it still took a good 2 or 3 years before our relationship was truly in the past for me. He was still the father of my children and a decent man, I respected that and our shared history, I still held some affection for him and it would have been absolutely ridiculous for it to be any other way after 10+ years of being together.

I’d seriously think you were strange if you presumed to tell mr what photo I could put up on my fb. How truly bizarre.

Tbh even when you’re potentially 10 years into this relationship, if he doesn’t end up running at this and likely other huge red flag(s), it’ll still be precisely none of your business what photo his ex wife has on her profile.

Just for clarity, I absolutely understand that she has a right to choose whichever picture she wants for her social media profiles. No one, not even NM, gets a saying in that.

I am just saying that it makes me feel a bit weird, but I appreciate that that is my problem, not hers.

It’s not for you to concern yourself over. Don’t look at her profile again.

I don't think you sound anything other than fair and reasonable. But there is no way of you broaching the subject without looking high maintence. I'd keep it at the back of my mind in the 'mmm red flag?' box.

f you both actually loved each other you both should wait until the divorce to date.
Bc right now,you are technically dating that woman's husband.

Bunch of cunty bollocks!

Caroline lots of possible reasons, but unsurprising you find it a little odd/unsettling, but it’s on HER profile, not his- so I really wouldn’t let it bother you too much 🌷

ExH and I ended in amicable terms. I don’t think either of us were in a hurry to erase memories of the marriage as we were still friends and rubbing along nicely. He had slide show in a photo frame with the person he had done more stuff with on the previous 12 years. I decided to leave the family photos hanging on the wall until they bothered me.

They are all gone now. I can assure you neither of us had the faintest intention or getting back together, no romantic feelings whatsoever. It was our new partners’ insecurities and self righteousness that made us take them down, they didn’t mean to us as much as they meant to THEM

As other people have said it is entirely the wifes business what profile picture she chooses but I don’t think OP is wrong to feel weird about this. I would too, it would indicate to me that for her things aren’t as ‘over’ emotionally as OP and the husband seem to think.

I'd be the same OP. I'd probably check on her page a few more times to see if it changes. Do not tell him though! Not everyone understands a bit of fb stalking.

Sorry OP but whilst you're entitled to date him and he you, you have no input into what his wife does or doesn't do regarding the photo. I think it would be better if you stop looking at her profile (and it sounds like you do it quite often to 'check up').

Nine months is nothing in the scheme of it. The marriage is over, they've agreed that, leave them be to finalise the ending - and stay out of her business because if I separated from my husband and my new man started stalking and making comments about my husband, my loyalty would be to my ex husband. I wouldn't carry on with the new man.

I know you won't want to hear this but you're presumably the 'first date' following the end of the marriage. The odds are not great that you'll be the new One so if you like this guy, keep quiet and don't create an issue that doesn't exist.

She’s still his wife 🤷‍♀️

None.of.Your.Business

They had a pretty long marriage
These things take time
She and he will be forever connected through their children
Maybe she likes to remember the good times.

I think Fizzpopwhizzbang's post is v sensible.
My relationship status changed accidentally from married to single and I got a few messages and a couple of phonecalls!

Whoops! So if XW has some FB "friends" who are actually difficult family members colleagues etc she may just not want to deal with that yet

It is weird and might make you worried but agree it’s difficult to say anything to him without looking like a stalker!! I would just leave it.

I am just saying that it makes me feel a bit weird

So don’t look on her social media? Maybe give her a bit of privacy. She’s not causing you any problems.

Are you sure he she is aware their marriage is over?

A friend of mine recently discovered that her boyfriend of a year was married. He called her every day. She stayed in his flat regularly. They spent time together, he even came away with us all for the weekend.

It turned out that he and his wife just saw little of each other due to work hours, but they were very much still together. It was her social media that revealed it (friend had a bit of a nosy to see if her bf had a type).

Can you see when she made it her profile pic?

Ifpossible yes it was set as a profile pic in 2017.

A friend of mine is mid divorce and her stbxh is on her profile pic. Her reasoning is that a) she doesn’t want to announce it to the world yet (he is pretty high profile locally) and b) it was taken on a really happy day and she loves the photo.

Albert I can see the logic and it is very possible that STBXW keeps the pic for similar reasons!

@Mymomsbetterthanyomom Soapana, is that you 👋

Yes it's potentially weird. But it is impossible to speculate on why she has it - look at the spectrum of responses here.

Annoyingly you can't really ask him without it coming up. I would block her to stop temptation to stalk for a few months. See how things pan out between the two of you and when he tells her. If she keeps the photo up after that you could mention it to him and see how he reacts.

If it makes you feel better I don’t change my Facebook picture for months unless I take a new one I really like. I don’t see my own picture only other people’s so it may be she just hasn’t thought. I go on every day I don’t use it massively though.