His STBXW still has a picture of them hugging as profile picture?

[CarolineEsche]

Hi all, I am regular poster on mumnset but also regularly NC for privacy reasons (yes I am a bit paranoid!).

I have been dating a lovely man for 4 months. He has been separated from his wife since December 2018, so coming up 9 months. Mutual decision, very amicable terms, they have two DC together, whom they co-parent 50/50. Divorce proceedings initiated in June. I have been to his flat many times, spent weekends and week nights there, he is undoubtedly living by himself. He also calls and texts me from his place every day even when he has the DC, we go out on dates when he doesn't have them.

I very vaguely know his wife through overlapping social circles. I don't think she is aware of the fact that her STBXH is dating me yet, I respect it is his decision if and when to inform her about his dating life. I have met quite a few of his friends.

However, I have recently stumbled into her SM profile by accident (she came up as a "people you might know" profile) and I realised that her profile picture is a picture of her and STBXH hugging. Clearly a "couple picture", they hold hands and look very lovey dovey. She posts stuff on social media regularly, so she actively uses it from what I can see.

AIBU to think it is a bit weird? I mean they have been split up for a while now, and that picture seems a bit... odd, I suppose? I know it is none of my business what picture she chooses to use on her SM, but to be honest it makes me feel a bit uncomfortable.

Should I mention this to New Man, even though he probably doesn't have any control over it? What a bizarre situation

Dunno. They were married and living together with their children this time last year. It takes time to untangle these things. If she’s had the profile picture for a long time she might not really notice it anymore. Also, if she is single and doesn’t know he is dating someone else then it might not feel that significant. Hard to say tho!

MYbe she doesn’t know he’s dating someone and is holding out for a reunion.

Op, I'd gently ask him if she knows about you though and if he's going to tell her. She's going to feel like a bit of a twat if he's dating you and she's still got that pic up. For her sake he should tell her.

Also whose idea was the split?

Yeah you'll come across as a bit crazy if you bring this up so I wouldn't. It's ok to feel weird about it though. The "separation " period can be dicey. If you're secure with him, then don't overthink things.

Maybe she doesn't want to "go public" with the divorce just yet. If she changes her profile to exclude him then that signals to everyone that they aren't together anymore. She could be embarrassed, she could still love him, she could have nosey judgemental relatives who are funny about divorce, she could be worried that someone will say something to her kids, or maybe she's found the split really tough and she just can't be arsed explaining it all again and again for great auntie Doris and Susan from yoga class. Maybe she doesn't want to be the subject of gossip.

There are so many reasons that I honestly wouldn't worry about it. You could always ask your husband why she's not changed it but I certainly wouldn't tell him you feel weird about it. It's not your business.

As for the photo . No it's not your business but I completely understand why you would feel a bit strange about it.

Hopefully it's a sign that she is happy with the divorce and holds only good memories of the marriage and likes the photo. This is the situation between my exh and I - and it makes for a great co parenting relationship. So fingers crossed. All so much easier without bitterness.

I once snooped on the facebook page of a man id been on a few dates with. Because wewhatsapped, it came up. I scrolled through, found his wife, and it was obvious they werent separated. So be careful OP.
I cant believe too many separating women would leave a couply photo up.

Sorry I should add that although you say it was a mutual decision, it is always one person who drives it.

I am as sure of their separation as I can be: I have met quite a few of his friends and the fact that he is separated has been mentioned in those conversations. We also have mutual acquaintances who confirmed the separation was real when I checked initially before accepting his invitation to go out.

It is clear that no woman lives in his place, and I have spent quite a lot of time there myself when he doesn't have the DC. Also, he has taken the DC on holidays alone, facetimed me from there (while DC were busy with activities). His STBXW took the DC away on holiday for two weeks so we spent more time together than usual during that period.

All clues add up. I have no reason to doubt his word.

🙄 I’ve been separated 15 years, if people waited until I divorced id never date

I’d leave it if I was you. It’s a bit odd but they do have dc together

OP never mention this to NM as he will pull away from you, I guarantee it.

From what I understood, she initially brought it up as things weren't working and she wasn't happy. They tried to fix things for a couple of years with therapy and more effort, but regularly having separation conversations every few months.

Eventually he pulled the plug because he said he was tired of trying and that if they had continued down that path things would have got acrimonious, and it was best to split while they were still on good terms for the sake of their DC. She agreed with the decision and he moved out shortly afterwards.

I'd hate that. I can understand you are uncomfortable. I wouldn't say anything yet. But if your relationship continues I think I would further down the line.
What if one of your mutual friends think they are still together? That makes you look bad.

Hmmm, so basically he ended it. Maybe she's not as happy about it as she makes out.

Maybe she feels "safer " with a picture of her with soon to be ex hubby?.Not yet ready for a new relationship ,so wants to bat off any unsuitable admirers ?.(friends of mine that are divorced still wear wedding/engagement rings for same reason!).I dont think you have anything to worry about really .you have stayed at his flat ,met his friends etc all looks OK.

Maybe she hasn't told some of her wider family or friends that they separated.
Or maybe she doesn't give her profile picture any thought. As it's an amicable split she's no reason to wipe him off her SM.
As long as you're happy and confident everything is above board then I wouldn't worry.

They've only been seperated 9 months. She may not want everyone to be in her business, asking what's going on, if she changes it to one without him.

You know they did split up.

However you dont know what discussions they have been having about getting back together.

My ex started seeing a OW, split with me (I knew nothing about her then and thought it was for other reasons) then introduced her to his family and friends as his new gf. Meanwhile a few weeks after our split he was contacting me and making it clear he wanted to try again.

So yes, she and his family and friends thought it was a new relationship but he was sending me messages every few days saying how pretty I am and how he missed me.

If you've not seen the divorce papers I'd be sceptical they even exist.

Do the children know that they are divorcing?
Are they old enough to understand what's going on?
Do other family members?

It might be easier for her to keep the picture, rather than tell people, while it's still ongoing.

I started reading this genuinely wondering whether I knew who you were. But in my case, it's a family we know, they split, 4kids,hes been with new woman much longer. She is bitter and twisted, which is why he finally left anyway. She used to make digs about his weight in front of us all, so, he started crossfit, got ripped, got his confidence back, left her and then met someone else and is happier than he has been in 15 years.
Ex's profile pic is the 6 of them together. She said she still has it to remind him every day of what he's missing.

YANBU it is weird,bit nothing you can do to change it.

He's a big part of her life, and she probably loves the photo.
It's not bizarre at all on her end.

And TBH it's really absolutely none of your business. This is why I don't do social media, everyone wants to snoop on everyone else.

Catch yourself on.

Yes DC definitely know as they have been living in both houses since the split (50:50 care). He says both their immediate families know as well as well, but I have no way to verify this.

Not going to RTFT so this is based on OP only,

No of course it’s not bloody weird and wtaf you actually think you should mention this to a man you’ve been seeing for 4 months??

You are the one who is thinking and potentially behaving in a very odd and bizarre way.

Absolutely none of your business and of course you shouldn’t mention it to him.

Maybe she does not go on FB very often so hasn't changed it yet? Maybe she's left it up because she thinks it will be a comfort to the children? Maybe she is embarrassed about announcing that she is separating on social media, to all of her old school friends. Maybe she is having a hard time coming to terms with the break-up. Maybe she is still friendly with her ex and thinks he is a great guy - she shared a big part of her life with him and sees no need to delete stuff.

Maybe, they are 'on a break' and he's making out it's final?

Who knows? You probably won't get to the bottom of it, so just leave the issue and time will tell.

@LadyOfTheCanyon