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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not expect father to turn up at play date venue and stay all day

149 replies

whatislifenahnah · 16/08/2019 20:43

My son had a friend over for a play date last week. The child's parents knew where we were going. Both parents work part-time and I had said to the mum when I invited the child that she was welcome to join us if she wasn't working. I don't know her terribly well but the venue has an entry fee for non-members and I can get friends and family in on my membership. She declined and said she would be working.
The child was dropped off at my place with a bit of pocket money by the dad. He said that he could give us I ride to the park area to which we were going but I said no thanks as my son wanted to show his friend his room and toys.and we wouldn't be going straight away.
When we arrived at the playdate venue there was the dad and the younger sibling. It was very awkward. I don't know the father and he is not very talkative. He stayed there all day, mostly on his is the phone.
My son's friend was going to come back to our place afterwards for something to eat and a bit more playing but plans were changed after the boy said his dad would have to take him to somewhere else at 4.
I found the whole day hugely stressful and felt really angry. I can't imagine turning up at a playdate of my son's unannounced and staying all-day. The boy is in my son's class and I will see the parents regularly so I didn't pretty much bit my lip. I did say to the dad that I didn't realise he and his daughter were coming.

OP posts:
SconeofDestiny · 17/08/2019 13:56

My DH is retired so we actively co-parent although it's usually me that organises play dates with other parents but DH tends to supervise a bit more when the play date is at our house.

I really don't understand why the OP felt angry that the dad went along to the same venue with his other child without obtaining her permission first? He obviously wasn't there to interfere as he was sat glued to his phone. Chances are, the younger child made a fuss when they realised they were missing something that their older sibling was doing and dad thought it easier to take them to the same venue.

Presumably, the OP wouldn't have been bothered at all if the mother had turned up with their second child but she's bizarrely territorial about the venue when it comes to dad's going along.

OP, do you feel intimidated by the other dad for any reason?

username678889 · 17/08/2019 14:19

I wonder if it's a miscommunication thing you invited the mum she declined so suggested to get dh to take other dc . The dad went assuming that his wife had said he's coming , he offered you a lift you declined not realising he was coming and it was quite awkward for both . He may think why didn't she want a lift if they were going to same place but didn't think to say that .
I can understand not wanting to go somewhere with someone you hardly know you'd think he would too especially if had phone calls to take , I agree quite odd .

Funnyface1 · 17/08/2019 14:24

It sounds like he thought it was a joint playdate where you all stayed together and instead you uninvited from your home when you said you weren't going straight to the venue and then acted weird when he met you there.

Either that or he didn't feel totally comfortable with leaving his child with you after meeting you, which is fair enough.

NeelixFelicis · 17/08/2019 16:18

The sexism between men and women regarding childminding/children is clear here, but isn't isolated by a long shot.

DS attended a nursery which employed a male nursery nurse. A few Mothers said they'd specifically requested the other group. One woman actually left the nursery because he was too nervous to ask for a switch. She said she didn't want to leave DD alone all morning with a man, because "a bloke who wants to spend every day surrounded by little kids is just a bit strange, I don't like it".

Lumene · 17/08/2019 16:36

I agree there’s a lot of sexism about childcare.

However in terms of risk of child abuse it is statistically true to say a male is far more likely to perpetrate sexual abuse. It is also true to say abusers are likely to be attracted to childcare jobs and other roles where they may work with children. So I understand the parents’ point of view too.

mathanxiety · 17/08/2019 18:56

Wondering what parent, man or woman, who only knows another parent very slightly, takes an invitation to hang out all day at a playdate literally?

I know absolutely nobody who would take this invitation seriously.

HeadintheiClouds · 17/08/2019 18:58

He wasn’t hanging out with op, he went to a bloody park with his other child. A gigantic park.

mathanxiety · 17/08/2019 19:04

Yes I know Kew is huge but they stayed in the playground area and then went to the Climbers and Creepers area. The OP was able to observe that the dad was on his phone the whole time so he didn't head off on his own with the younger sibling in tow. He stuck around close by.

She doesn't say who supervised the younger sister. Not sure how supervision of a young child is compatible with constant attention to your phone.

HeadintheiClouds · 17/08/2019 19:08

Well, they were both in the play areas because they both had young kids with them who presumably weren’t that interested in checking out the rare lilies. Not that strange, really.
And the climbers and creepers bit is indoors and op admits she went in there out of the rain.
So too, presumably, did he.

mathanxiety · 17/08/2019 19:12

Why go to the same place and basically blank the women who was looking after your child for the day?

spongedog · 17/08/2019 19:17

I dont recognise most of the posts on this thread. A playdate round my way is, and always has been, the hosting adult in charge. Occasionally if a child was anxious, SEN etc the parent might be invited to stay but not often. In your situation I think it is very odd that neither the other mum OR dad communicated to you that he would be going to the same place with the other sibling. That is wierd. I think you are right - it changed the dynamics of the play date totally.

Reasonable communication from the mum would have been "Sorry I cant go but DH is off that day and would love to come with sibling. Would that be OK?"

I would keep a ear out and see what has happened on other play dates with that child. (I really dont mean for you to ask questions about it). Perhaps she needs a friend.

HeadintheiClouds · 17/08/2019 19:18

Maybe because, under the impression he’d been invited along and offering to drive them all there, he’d had the door slammed in his face with some guff about one of his children having to see op’s child’s toys first. So he’s left standing there with his other child who thinks they’re going, and no option but to go by himself.
He was probably afraid if he’d approached op again after that she’d call for a copper.
Don’t forget, due to the doorstep antics he’d had to pay the full entry fee for himself and his child, too, having been told op was happy to bring them all in free!

HeadintheiClouds · 17/08/2019 19:22

It wasn’t a real play date. It was a trip to a “venue” (op’s wording) where she had promised to get them all free admission.
I honestly don’t know how she’s so mystified at how it all played out, it sounds like a proper comedy of errors a la Frank Spencer.

mathanxiety · 18/08/2019 07:53

But who horns in on someone else's plans like that, expecting to be able to take over the ferrying around?

Did he intend to take them all back too, at 4, instead of going to the important thing that they had to go to then?

And if there was somewhere important he and his DS needed to be at 4, he should have told the OP that the day before so she wouldn't have bought or prepared anything special for dinner for his DS.

It wasn't 'guff' about playing at home for a while before setting out. It was part of the DS and OP's plan for entertaining the friend.
Should she have dropped everything and done what she was told?

Mummyoflittledragon · 18/08/2019 08:23

@Bertieandernie
Yes, I find the lack of communication to op bizarre.

As you were communicating with the mum, I think she should have explained prior to the play date. He turned up and as nothing had been said prior or there and then, you naturally assumed it was a drop and run. Ywnbu to be confused and feel awkward when you arrived to see him there.

Perhaps just send the mum a text to say you were surprised to see him at Kew when you arrived. You thought it was a drop and run playdate. You could add that had you known his plans you would have invited him in and taken him up on his offer to drive you to Kew or just leave it at that and see her reply. Maybe she had a brain fart.

NoSquirrels · 18/08/2019 08:53

Sounds 100% like a miscommunication over plans for the day and as uncomfortable for him as for you.

You invited play date DC’s Mum along (aka a parent). You must’ve known they had another DC who’s need to come too. Play date Mum is working but Dad’s on childcare.

Dad gets message from Mum that Play date DC is invited to Kew along with a parent, and you can get everyone in for free. He ships up expecting to go with, you bat him back. He’s expecting the day out ends in time to get DC to the other activity he’s supposed to take them to this afternoon.

At that point, he should have said something. But, awkward situation? So he didn’t. Heads on to Kew anyway having said that’s what he’s doing (you didn’t ‘hear’ it that way but you weren’t expecting to).

When you turn up with the boys he’s feeling a bit awkward still - is he supposed to be hanging out with you or not? And now he’s got to negotiate the getting his DC to next activity on time. Double awkward.

Again, could all have been solved with a cheery “I think my wife and I have git out wires crossed a bit about plans for today”. For some reason that didn’t happen but I don’t think he was being weird - I think he was just socially awkward.

I’d send an apology text, if I were you, saying you think maybe wires got crossed but your DS has a great time and if they fancy another day out sometime soon to let you know.

mathanxiety · 18/08/2019 16:28

No apology needed. What did the OP do that warranted one? She failed to read minds?

The other parents can apologise to each other if they feel like it. They can also apologise to the OP in case she went to any trouble to get dinner organised for her son.

JoySuckClub · 18/08/2019 16:45

I agree with you math Smile not 1000% Wink but 100% aye Grin Brew Cake

PettyContractor · 18/08/2019 16:51

7 whole miles away. You mean like 10mins car journey!

I get the feeling you aren't too familiar with London. I'd guess a random 7 mile journey would take 45 minutes to an hour

MorganKitten · 24/08/2019 02:05

I get the feeling you aren't too familiar with London. I'd guess a random 7 mile journey would take 45 minutes to an hour

No it doesn’t

OkPedro · 24/08/2019 02:15

Did the op say she lives in London?

wotsittoyou · 24/08/2019 02:26

It seems pretty obvious that he planned to come along in his wife's place. Op, you need to chill out, he didn't do anything wrong.

MyOtherProfile · 24/08/2019 05:53

It was Kew Gardens maybe 7 or 8 miles from my home

She didn't explicitly say she loves in London but she's clearly very close if not.

MyOtherProfile · 24/08/2019 05:57

Actually @OkPedro I just checked on Google maps and 7 miles from Kew is still well within the M25 so yes she did say she lives in London.

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