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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not expect father to turn up at play date venue and stay all day

149 replies

whatislifenahnah · 16/08/2019 20:43

My son had a friend over for a play date last week. The child's parents knew where we were going. Both parents work part-time and I had said to the mum when I invited the child that she was welcome to join us if she wasn't working. I don't know her terribly well but the venue has an entry fee for non-members and I can get friends and family in on my membership. She declined and said she would be working.
The child was dropped off at my place with a bit of pocket money by the dad. He said that he could give us I ride to the park area to which we were going but I said no thanks as my son wanted to show his friend his room and toys.and we wouldn't be going straight away.
When we arrived at the playdate venue there was the dad and the younger sibling. It was very awkward. I don't know the father and he is not very talkative. He stayed there all day, mostly on his is the phone.
My son's friend was going to come back to our place afterwards for something to eat and a bit more playing but plans were changed after the boy said his dad would have to take him to somewhere else at 4.
I found the whole day hugely stressful and felt really angry. I can't imagine turning up at a playdate of my son's unannounced and staying all-day. The boy is in my son's class and I will see the parents regularly so I didn't pretty much bit my lip. I did say to the dad that I didn't realise he and his daughter were coming.

OP posts:
SallyWD · 16/08/2019 23:15

I can imagine the younger sibling kicked off in the car and wanted to go to soft play because their big brother was. Dad thought "Why not?" and off they went. The dad wasn't bothering you but looking at his phone. I don't know why you're so angry.

ItsLateImTired · 16/08/2019 23:25

How old are the kids? (maybe if it's a first playdate and parents didn't know you, and you were taking kids out somewhere bug where they need close supervision, the child's parents thought they shouldn't leave their child with someone they don't know and should hang about just to check all is ok??)

HobbyIsCodeForDogging · 16/08/2019 23:31

You're being a bit weird about this OP.

In my mind, the likelihood is that the mum mentioned to the dad that you could sign in a visitor, he came along understanding it was possible that you could all go, but then you gave off the vibe that he was to drop and go so he proceeded to Kew on his own with his other child and you all ended up seeing each other there.

So it's a possibility that it was your own awkward behaviour that led to the situation rather than the dad's.

stressheadd · 16/08/2019 23:32

Maybe the younger sibling wanted to do the same as her brother hence why the dad took her there, don't think that's strange at all, I think YABU OP, if it bothered you so much you should have just asked him why did he not mention he was going to be there too,

minipie · 16/08/2019 23:39

Maybe they are members too OP? His offer of a lift suggests they live nearby, so might well be members. And as a pp said maybe he or the sibling heard where you were going and thought that sounds good, not even considering whether it was odd or not.

Finding it hugely stressful and getting angry is a bit of an odd reaction tbh. A little awkward is all it is.

Proseccoinamug · 16/08/2019 23:41

It sounds like a communication breakdown. Sounds like he thought he was coming with you as you’d told the mum it would be ok for her to come (I’d assume that meant either one of us). Hence he asked you if you wanted a lift etc. Then he probably didn’t quite know what to do.

turfsausage · 16/08/2019 23:50

It's ok for dads to do parenting too OP. I think you should consider your reaction in the context of your views on gender and parenting. Surely you invited the mum because your default assumption was that she was doing the childcare...turns out dad was doing drop off and pick up so i would have thought that the same courtesy should have been extended to him. You're obviously not very reflective.

HeadintheiClouds · 16/08/2019 23:55

He must have felt pretty awkward being glowered at all day, having been invited. That’s probably why he changed the plan and left early.

savingshoes · 17/08/2019 00:06

I would have turned up unannounced just like said playmate's dad along with excuse to be there (sibling) if I didn't trust you.
Perhaps he knows his son gets challenging in certain situations and rather than go into detail about it with you (someone he doesn't know all that well) he thought it best to be there in case.

donquixotedelamancha · 17/08/2019 00:11

Mums who assume they should talk to “the mum” to arrange play dates. Mums who invite a parent along but then can’t understand why the other parent might come along instead.

In my experience as a Dad, a very large proportion (perhaps half) of mums are like that.

Never had another parent turn up unannouced to a venue 7-8 miles from home.

I understand why this would be awkward, his offer to drive suggests to me that he thought you knew he was coming. Both you and he sound quite poor communicators.

I can't understand this still being awkward past 'oh, I didn't realise you were coming'. Sustained anger seems a really odd response- that bit is really not his fault.

PenelopeFlintstone · 17/08/2019 00:12

Proseccoinamug That sounds likely.

MsAdorabelleDearheartVonLipwig · 17/08/2019 00:14

He obviously assumed that the invite extended to both parents and is probably now telling his wife all about the anti social mum who clearly didn’t actually want him there.

kateandme · 17/08/2019 00:17

why are you missing the really big clue here.he asked you if he could give you a lift.you said no saying the kids were palying at yours first.so this probably came across to him bit iffy or he just thought ok ill ontinue on with the dd.
so to me he was already going but this part got lost in communication.he probably decided to go instead of mum when you invited her.that is why he asked you if yo uwanted a lift.
and when you said no he carried on with his dd and that is why he got their first.becasue you were behind playing with the other two first.

HeadintheiClouds · 17/08/2019 00:18

Well, exactly. He thinks you’re a rude weirdo, op

donquixotedelamancha · 17/08/2019 00:27

In this case either of the mum or dad turning up without mentioning it would have been very odd behaviour especially as he then basically ignored you

  • OP suggests playdate's Mum should come along to Kew.
  • PDM is unable to come as working.
  • Playdate's Dad turns up to playdate, offers to drive everyone to Kew together.
  • PDD is knocked back but still thinks he is supposed to come along, or has already promised other child, so goes alone.

His behaviour seems fine to me. I'm not really surprised his small talk was sub-par.

SmellbowSpaceBowl · 17/08/2019 02:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NeelixFelicis · 17/08/2019 03:28

A bit of a shame for the boys too. They were looking forward to coming back here and playing on the ipad for a bit

I imagine he decided at the last minute to take DS straight home from Kew, to avoid the awkwardness of having to speaking to you again at your house later on for pick-up.

NeelixFelicis · 17/08/2019 03:30

*speak, fgs.

NorthEndGal · 17/08/2019 03:46

Why were you angry?

isitfridayyet1 · 17/08/2019 04:00

Hmm nothing really to be angry about, why didn't you just approach him and have a chat. There's no reason why he shouldn't be there especially when you had invited the mum?

my2bundles · 17/08/2019 04:15

Kew gardens is huge and not exclusive to members. Perhaps he felt in comfortable leaving HIS child in such a massive place with someone he dosent know so decided to come along to be close by. His child so his decision.

flamingpink · 17/08/2019 04:24

How old are the kids? You say you don’t know the Mum well. If under 10 years old I’d be staying around to keep an eye or sending my DH too. You aren’t crb checked and they have no idea of your suitability for supervising their child in a large venue like Kew. It’s probably why he offered a lift too. I wouldn’t want some random parent driving my kid around! Remember they don’t know either and in my book he absolutely did the right thing by being there but not engaging just being a safety onlooker.

FuriousVexation · 17/08/2019 04:45

If you are getting angry and stressed over this sort of complete non-event, then I wouldn't want to send my child on an unsupervised playdate with you either.

Mookie81 · 17/08/2019 05:12

Sexism pure and simple.
OP didn't miss the lift cue, and her excuse is bullshit. She didn't want to go with him so made up the bollocks about seeing her kids toys first to throw him off. Then he was there anyway and foiled her lie! Grin
It boils down to OP being more comfortable with a mum stranger than a dad stranger.

Palaver1 · 17/08/2019 05:25

And we wonder why we have become a society that doesn’t talk or look out for each other.
OP you would have come across really badly.
Don’t make things bigger than what they are, being friendly doesn’t cost you anything.
Angry about what exactly.