Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to not expect father to turn up at play date venue and stay all day

149 replies

whatislifenahnah · 16/08/2019 20:43

My son had a friend over for a play date last week. The child's parents knew where we were going. Both parents work part-time and I had said to the mum when I invited the child that she was welcome to join us if she wasn't working. I don't know her terribly well but the venue has an entry fee for non-members and I can get friends and family in on my membership. She declined and said she would be working.
The child was dropped off at my place with a bit of pocket money by the dad. He said that he could give us I ride to the park area to which we were going but I said no thanks as my son wanted to show his friend his room and toys.and we wouldn't be going straight away.
When we arrived at the playdate venue there was the dad and the younger sibling. It was very awkward. I don't know the father and he is not very talkative. He stayed there all day, mostly on his is the phone.
My son's friend was going to come back to our place afterwards for something to eat and a bit more playing but plans were changed after the boy said his dad would have to take him to somewhere else at 4.
I found the whole day hugely stressful and felt really angry. I can't imagine turning up at a playdate of my son's unannounced and staying all-day. The boy is in my son's class and I will see the parents regularly so I didn't pretty much bit my lip. I did say to the dad that I didn't realise he and his daughter were coming.

OP posts:
number1wang · 16/08/2019 21:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Drabarni · 16/08/2019 21:14

I don't get the problem, tbh. There's no difference in the mum being there than the Dad.
If the mum had been off work maybe she would have come with her dd as well.

HeadintheiClouds · 16/08/2019 21:16

Honestly, your op made it sound like he showed up at your house and drank coffee in your kitchen all day

Hello1290 · 16/08/2019 21:17

Maybe it was the younger sibling who wanted to go to the play venue so the dad took her without meaning to infringe on the play date.

Mummyoflittledragon · 16/08/2019 21:19

Did the younger sibling tag along with your ds and his? Did he ignore his dd? I think he should have explained his plans.

JoySuckClub · 16/08/2019 21:21

Miscommunication I think - Mum should have told you Dad wanted to go instead or could he use your discount for his other son (but he had work to do on his phone so would be there in body only to supervise the second one and stick to that of course rather than lumbering).

It is more awkward when co-hosting a playdate witth someone you barely know - that goes for both sexes actually.
I have ended up having a mum come to soft play I barely knew as her other daughter was jealous. Had to make small talk for hours. Bloody awkward as unexpected.
I had a father from DD's school invite himself to coffee at the local library telling DD to go and play with his child. DD and I had been having time together but she is kind and respectful to adults so said okay then (he addressed her directly - that has happened twice to me with two different parents and I hate it. It feels like the adult addresses the kid directly to get their own way as I might have turned down the request politely. Third time it happened - Oh Joy, our kids have decided they want to go swimming (not how it went down) I said that wasn't for them her to decide): fait accomplis, gatecrashing, arriving unannouced...I hate all that. Feels like an imposition or a chore.
Anyway random Dad manspreads, sits at the table, grabs coffee and talks at me for an hour and a half about various things including Brexit. I was polite for the sake of my child but small talk, making chit chat with someone you have nothing in common with except your kids attend the same school (in this case not even the same class!) does my head in.
So I can sympathise.

Yabbers · 16/08/2019 21:25

How did he get in if you need to be a member and he is not?

MyDcAreMarvel · 16/08/2019 21:26

Your thinking is bizarre op.

HeadintheiClouds · 16/08/2019 21:26

It’s open to everybody, no need for membership

CookieDoughKid · 16/08/2019 21:29

I think you need to be a bit more open minded and relaxed op. The dad had a right to go wherever he wanted. And SO WHAT? Aren't you confident enough in your own skin and enjoy the moment without having to think about him?! Gawd this is exhausting.

JoySuckClub · 16/08/2019 21:31

But your situation sounds worse - because you have his child. He's there with his other child. You studiously ignore each other.
Elephant in the room - he paid his own entry, you'd refused a lift as hadn't known so hadn't accommodated admission.
Co-playdate that's not a co-playdate - is he keeping an eye on you? Were the plans in his head different to yours? Are you expected to go over or ignore each other?
Ugh. Nightmare. Then his presence does actually impinge on your plans for dinner. But we might be overthinking it OP in terms of etiquette - he probably hasn't given it or you a second thought.
If he was taking his wife's place she should have relayed this by text - changes the whole dynamic.

CookieDoughKid · 16/08/2019 21:32

Dad's or mum's honestly does it matter male or female at the playground?. I love a good political , work, Brexit, current affairs whatever debate with anyone at the playground. Shame I don't get to do it enough. .Gives my brain an exercise.

imaflutteringkite · 16/08/2019 21:32

I don't understand the issue. He took his child to a public play area and didn't impose on your plans. He kept himself to himself but yet you're really angry. Were you angry about all the other people who were there minding their own business as well?

JoySuckClub · 16/08/2019 21:41

cookie I'll chat with any random - I'm on here way too much! Grin and I can happily discuss random shite over a Brew and have done often.
I do that with mates I plan to meet and with people who are just friends I haven't met yet but there's a difference between chatting and pre-arranging something/suggesting a spontaneous chat and being hijacked while sat in a cafe having mum-daughter time with my middle child (time was precious as youngest has SN and eldest has huge age gap). So I can see the OP's predicament to be fair - of all the places you can entertain your other kid it happened to be where she was at. Hopefully she'll come back and confirm but I got the impression it wasn't that she wouldn't have extended an invite then had a natter but rather she felt awkward that he had gone from hers to the venue without mentioning he was going or might have needed/wanted admission. Or not. Imho it's a little odd meeting like that.

RubbingHimSourly · 16/08/2019 21:42

You sound Butt clenchingly uptight. It's embarrassing to read Biscuit 😳😶😖😖😖

DonnaDarko · 16/08/2019 21:44

So you invited the mum but got weirded out that the dad decided to go instead with his other child?

Sounds a little bit sexist to me

SmellbowSpaceBowl · 16/08/2019 21:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

minibroncs · 16/08/2019 21:47

I was imagining he'd done something genuinely objectionable like refusing to leave your house and sitting silently in the corner of your living room all day.

Not sure I understand why what you've described was a problem.

whattodowith · 16/08/2019 21:48

Why didn’t you try to converse with him? That could have made it less awkward. You have majorly overreacted, how on earth did this induce anger?

AngelasAshes · 16/08/2019 21:49

My DH has run into mums like you OP. Mums who assume they should talk to “the mum” to arrange play dates. Mums who invite a parent along but then can’t understand why the other parent might come along instead. Mums who are fine with other mums going to play parks but think seeing dads there is awkward, weird and stressful.
Get used to it! Men are being more active parents you will see lots more dads arranging play dates, going along and present in kid areas.

HeadintheiClouds · 16/08/2019 21:51

He offered her a lift, Joy, that should have given her a hint he was going 🤣

BrendasUmbrella · 16/08/2019 21:52

I think he suggested he'd drive you because it would make it easier for him to invite himself along. Or he agreed with his wife that he would go and neither felt like you needed to be informed. Or maybe the younger child made a fuss and wanted to go too.

I do think it's very unlikely though that he intended to go separately.

BrendasUmbrella · 16/08/2019 21:53

He offered her a lift, Joy, that should have given her a hint he was going

Should it? I've given my dc's and their friends lifts loads of times without hopping out of the car and expecting to join them. Sometimes a lift is just that. (Except not in this case evidently.)

MorganKitten · 16/08/2019 21:55

You invited the mum, she probably mentioned it to the dad. The younger sibling probably wanted to go so he took him. You’re making this an issue and it’s very strange.

HeadintheiClouds · 16/08/2019 22:02

But op wouldn’t have had her car to get back if she’d accepted the lift, Brenda, so it’s pretty obvious to me that he was intending to stay there.

Swipe left for the next trending thread